Hi, my name’s Earl. I’m an alcoholic. Hello, Earl. Morning, guys.

Uh, happy birthday, Sonny. That’s, uh, that’s big, man. I love that. I don’t know what it is, man.

You know what I mean? Spend your whole life trying to look cool and, you know, don’t, don’t care about anything, and, you know. So-and-so’s getting married. Yeah, whatever.

So-and-so died. Yeah, he was a rotten SOB anyway. I don’t care. Just being the tough guy, tough guy, tough guy.

Come in here and it’s like, just like, “He’s got a year. Yeah.” And it’s like, get cracked open, you know? And I mean, and I think that for me, there was so much time and energy in my life spent in the pursuit of building a mask, you know, a facade, a false self that I presented to the world that I had absolutely

no concept of what it really meant to be human, to be a man. What w-w-what in reality makes up, you know, being a man. And once you figure out just the basics about what it is to be a man, what is it to be a good man? What’s my concept of being a good man?

What’s– but what does honorable mean? What does respect mean? How do I implement or apply these principles, these concepts, these ideas in my life? I didn’t have any markers.

Y-you know what I mean? So it wasn’t even like you could say, “Well, there– here’s five examples of being a man.” I couldn’t pr- I couldn’t tell you which one applied to me, which one was a good… I had n- I had no concept of how I was gonna function as a sober man. Then it came to AA, you know, and there were sober men, and they were doing things

right off the bat that I found confusing, yet I was oddly drawn to. That I couldn’t understand. I could feel it, but I couldn’t identify the feeling. I could understand on a certain level that this clearly based on my culture, uh, s- my society, that

that was a better idea than that. But I didn’t know how you incorporated that into self, how you made that a part of how you, uh, um, dealt with the world. Didn’t know. Um, I didn’t know that I had been reacting to life and everything that was going on in it my whole life.

My r– I was reacting to you. Which in my case, as an example, meant that my, um, my… I was at the mercy of fools my whole life. Absolutely at the mercy of fools.

Which made me a fool. I, I mean, by nature, I believe I am not a violent man. It is not– Uh, that’s not the first card that I go to. I’m a frightened man and, as a result, I have been very violent in my life.

But as a sober man, it, it, it’s not my… I, I, I get internally, it’s just me, that violence is something I don’t wanna be a participant in. I mean, I’ve made a commitment to non-violence for a long, long time now. It’s just not how I wanna live.

Um, having been involved in all that and seen it for what it is, I don’t want any part of it. And, uh, um, but as an example, I’d be standing outside a meeting and some guy would walk by and say something to me that I considered on s- uh, uh, based on my criteria for what these things meant, disrespectful. That I had been publicly disrespected.

And for me, there’s no greater, there was no greater sin. To speak down to me or publicly humiliate me, I was willing to die. Just bam, rather than allow anything like that to happen. So I could be standing around thinking, “You know, I’d like to be a non-violent man.” In AA a year or so thinking, you know, “I wanna be a non-violent man.

I wanna make a commitment to that.” Having no idea how to do it. And some guy walks by and says, uh, uh, you know, something that I don’t like, and in my mind, my mind automatically would go to, “Well, man, that’s a shame, you know, ’cause I was really into that non-violent thing.” But, but now it’s on, you know.

And, and, and I thought along the way, how many guys go to sleep in prison at night thinking, “Really wish I hadn’t done that. Really didn’t wanna do that. Really didn’t wanna do that.” But didn’t have a way available to me, a way out that was available to me. Didn’t have an alternative.

Didn’t have an option that was available to me. And I, and, and, and I so easily could see me as being one of those guys. And so w-what, when I started to think it through and sought the, the counsel of my elders in AA, it’s like, you know, describing a situation like that, and the guy’s saying, “You’re li– you’re at the mercy of fools.” I said, “What do you mean I’m at the mercy of fools?

I don’t even like that,” you talking to me like that. He said, “Well, so apparently your commitment to non-violence is contingent upon what somebody else does or doesn’t do. If you’re gonna make a commitment to a way of life, Earl, it’s gonna have to be a commitment that you decide that’s how you’re gonna be. And then people are gonna be rude to you, and you’re gonna be a non-violent man.

People are gonna be aggressive and assertive towards you, and you’re gonna be a non-violent man. You make that decision, that’s who you’re gonna be. It’s not contingent upon what other people do or don’t do. It’s w- how you’ve decided to live.” Dr.

Paul was a perfect example of that on the highest plane. In my opinion, the greatest compliment I can pay any man in this society is that he is kind. That he is overtly kind. And Dr.

Paul was one of those guys. He was a kind man. People would walk up to Dr. Paul, whose story was in the Big Book, is in the Big Book, doctor, addict, alcoholic.

And, uh, for page 449, a famous page in the book about acceptance is the key, was, is a, is a part of Paul’s story. He had written that. And people would come up to Paul all the time and say, “Paul, I can’t thank you enough for, you know, your contribution to Alcoholics Anonymous.” He’d say, “Thank you. That’s very nice.

Thank you.” And other people would walk up and say, “Paul, I’ve been reading this, and I can’t disagree with you more, and I think it’s terrible.” You know, and they’d just start gr- barking and growling and being flat-out rude to Paul. And when they were done, Paul would say, “Oh, I appreciate you coming over and talking to me. Thanks a lot.

You have a wonderful day, man.” And I’d… You know? It’s like, “You want me to hit him for you? I guess I could.” “Because I’ve lost…” You know.

“You can say what you want. I’ll smack him for you. That was… Pissed me off, man.” And he just…

Paul just said, “No, no, no, I’ve decided to be a kind man. It doesn’t have anything to do with what anybody else is doing.” And I mean, that is so samurai to me. You know what I mean? That’s what I call my sponsor, Luther.

My current sponsor, Luther, is the samurai. Luther’s nice to people regardless of how they behave because Luther’s decided he’s gonna be a nice man. He’s gonna be a kind man. That’s what he’s gonna bring to the table.

You bring whatever you want. This is what he’s bringing. And you can’t knock him off of that. You can’t knock him off center.

Uh, he just… I mean, I’ve, I’ve seen him respond afterwards to somebody walk up and say something terrible to him in a meeting. And Luther… And he’ll say, “Okay, well, thank you.” You know, you know, “Okay.” And then I walk up and say, “How do you do that?” And he says, “Well, you know.” He said, “It was…

At times it is not easy.” And I said, “Okay, I get that, the humanness of that, that it’s not easy,” but he’s made a commitment, and he’s sticking to his commitment. S- Luther’s the kind of guy that Luther walks in a room, and everybody goes, you know? He’s the kind of… It’s, it’s like the greatest thing a samurai can do is sheath his sword.

Not draw it, not fight, but be the guy that’s got such a sense of balance, such a sense of peace and centeredness about him that just being in the presence of that smooths things out around him, that there’s an energy there that is, is remarkably powerful. And it’s an attitude… It’s an, it’s an attitude and an energy that I believe stems from the code that we practice here.

Love and tolerance of others. And, and, uh, so in, in my exploration of trying to discover what it is I want to be as a man, I had to let go of a lot of preconceived ideas, ideas that were passed on from my grandfather to my father to me. Uh, my grandfather was a violent, racist, bigoted man.

A lot of hate in his heart, my grandfather. A lot of hate in his heart. He was a mean, nasty little man, man. And, uh, so how we talked about him is we talked about him as, as, you know, Grandpa was a tough old guy, you know?

That’s how we’d… He was a tough old guy, right? Because w- we didn’t want to say, “Yeah, Grand… Yeah, Grand…

Have you met my grandfather? He’s a mean, racist, bigoted S-O-B,” you know? You know. Um, and I saw my grandfather commit some severe acts of violence as a small boy when I was four years old.

Um, and my father, as a result, was a, uh, uh, a fear-dri… God bless him. My father was a very successful man and, um, but he was a fear-driven, shu- emotionally shut down, racist, bigoted man. And then they had me, and all bets were off on me.

I mean, I don’t know how I ended up the way I did in those respects, but I saw the… I got shipped off to boarding school at age 12, and I’m going to school with guys from Thailand and Japan and, uh, um, uh, a Black friend of mine, Marvin Parker, was, was the first Black kid in the, in the 50-year history of the school. And he and I became good friends because we were the out…

The, the… We were the, the outcasts. And, and I, uh, the racism wasn’t a part of my thing. And, and the, the bigoted nature of my father wasn’t a part of my thing.

And I grew up kind of in opposition to him in that regard. And then I became an alcoholic and a drug addict, um, which further isolated me from the clan. And I had to reevaluate everything. What does it mean for me to be a man?

Getting sober, my belief is this. I want to be strong enough as a man to be gentle with myself and with other human beings. I want to bring kindness to the table. The thing that I see as being the most elusive thing in my society is a consistent and ongoing kindness.

I want to s- I want to bring forgiveness to the table, um, a concept I had n- I had no understanding of when I got here whatsoever. Forgi- And, and the, the… We were talking about amends last night. I think Don was talking about amends.

By the way, happy birthday, Don. 25. Yeah. Happy birthday, Don.

He’s, he’s talking about amends and this idea of forgiveness and, you know, not needing forgiveness from the other person when making amends. And my feeling about that is, is that I agree with that. Now, that’s that person’s side of the street.

What they do with my amends is their business, and I’ll not trespass on that. I would hope that they would forgive me. I would hope that they would forgive me, not for me, but for them. Because I believe to forgive someone is to release them from the prison of your mind.

And I would hope that this person that I have harmed, who has resented me all this time, is able to release me from the prison of their mind so they no longer have to carry around the me and the baggage of that event any longer, so that by forgiving me, they benefit. Being able to consider others. I think it’s real simple being a man.

I don’t, uh, um- I don’t wanna present myself as a tough guy anymore. It’s a worn-out mask . I’m no longer interested in it. Um, I’m interested in being the kinda guy that if you get to know me, you would imagine if I have children, I know where they are.

I think a lot… You know, I, I, I like kindness in every direction. I like being strong enough in my commitments that I do not need to impose or inflict them upon you. That I can just simply…

I’m a free man now, and I wanna walk the earth as such with my head up. I don’t bow or kowtow to anyone, as the book suggests, but neither do I trespass in their lives. It’s a fine line to be an honorable man. I wanna be an honest man.

And these are– And you gotta understand, these are absolutes, and a lot of us have a tendency towards perfectionism. And I don’t… The idea is to be moving in the direction of these ideas. Do I wanna be an honest man?

Yes. Am I 100% totally an honest man? Without question, no. Um, am I a forgiving man?

Yes. Am I always like that? No. Um, are my actions always beneficial to self and others as opposed to harmful to self and others?

No. Does fear jump up and bite me in the ass and suddenly self-centered fear’s activated several of my defects of character, and it’s all over the room before I can gather it up and hold onto it? Happens. It happens.

I’m moving in the right direction. I use the tools. T- uh, Don… Which leads me to this, I guess.

Don, well, I think, was gonna talk about ten, 11, and 12, which he referred to as the maintenance steps but was not given an opportunity to do that. Ten, 11, and 12 are the steps that keep me in the game. Me, God, and you. Nobody else to play with.

That’s the whole game. That’s everybody involved. Me, God, and you. Ten, me.

11, God. And 12, you. Nobody else to play with. As I have worked through the action-oriented steps, about four through nine, four and five, me.

Six and seven, God. Eight and nine, others. I have worked through those steps and I have gotten to 10, 11, and 12. I have scratched the surface of a very, very, very, very deep experience in moving through that process.

And as I now turn towards others in step 12 to, to be of service to them, I begin to go through this process with other individuals again and again and again. And the cool thing about the steps is this: If you’re new and you’re thinking, “Okay, you got 12 steps. You go through ’em. That’s it.

Are you really kidding me that I’m gonna go back through these same 12 steps over and over again? That sounds like the most redundant, unnecessary, crazy-making experience I can imagine.” If anything’s gonna get me drunk, it’s step eight for the 15th time. I respectfully, based on experience, beg to differ. I can understand why one would see it that way.

That’s certainly the way I looked at it, right? Just the same things over and over again. Really? Great.

There’s worlds within worlds here, and this is how it works. If I go through the first 12 steps, these are actions that bring about change that are afoot in these steps. If I do them, I change. Not just in what I do, but how I perceive being here, how I perceive my life in this world.

You take– You go through that change and go back to step one. It’s a different step now. The step is essentially– It’s the same words, but I perceive it on a fundamentally different level. I have a new experience with step one.

I remember going to a meeting. I was 11 years sober, and I’m going to a meeting. I’m gonna go meet this girl at a meeting. And I get there at the last minute thinking to myself, “Please, God, don’t let Donald Madden be there.” See me shooting into a meeting at the last minute, right?

Shoot in. She’s sitting in the front row. There’s a table like this with a leader and a speaker. I slide in.

The seat right there is available. That’s the only seat available next to her. I slide in, sit down in the seat in the front row. The leader says, “Our speaker will now be discussing step one.” And I just slump over in my chair.

Just, “Ugh.” Step one? Come on. If there’s a step I’ve got knocked, it’s step one. I’ve gotta sit here.

This guy’s gonna talk for 30 minutes on step one. How do I get this, h-how do I get this time back? How am I gonna get this hour of my life back? This is ridic- I hate…

I mean, I was w-went into having just to quietly sit there going, “Yeah, hi, how are ya?” And having, having a fit inside my head. I’m, I’m already not liking her. One? We gotta do…

Great. All right. Arrogant in my 11 years regarding step one. Turns out the guy’s name was Jack Prose.

Jack, at the time, had 43 years of sobriety. Uh, he’s gone now, but he had 43. And he talked for 20 minutes on step one and blew the top- my head off.

And people said to me, “What’d you think of the meeting?” I said, “Well, apparently I’m back at step one ’cause- I had no idea all that was going on in there.” I, stuff that had never occurred to me, and I’m not an idiot. I was looking at it. I was reading that book.

I’m studying. This guy, another level. That’s one of the guys that was at a meeting, I was 11 years sober, who said he went to the… He had a men’s stag he went to, invitation only.

Um, you had to have 25 years to go to the meeting. And I heard that and I went, “What are those guys talking about?” Just based on that 20 minutes on step one, what are they talking about? I thought, I had this image of this house somewhere where these guys drive up and they all got sunglasses on, and they go in the house and they close all the doors and pull all the blinds, and they sit down and take their sunglasses off, and light beams are shooting out of their head, you know.

These guys are so evolved, they’re just different now, you know. I made a vow when I’m 25, I’m going to that meeting. Girl said, “That’s 14 years from now. The odds of you getting from here to there are…

” There isn’t any more talking about it. And all those guys are dead, and I can’t find… I think, I, I haven’t been able to find the meeting. I’ve been, I’ve been a- eligible to go for over five months now, and I can’t find the meeting.

And if I can’t find it soon, I’m gonna start my own. More sunglasses. But my point is, I mean, that’s a perfect example of whatever you know, there’s more. Whatever you know, there’s more.

Whatever I know, there’s more. And there’s these pops in consciousness that occur, right? There’s that hearing the, hearing a portion of chapter five a thousand times, and then you’re sitting there and all of a sudden just you’re ready to hear it, man. And, and there’s the information.

There’s some new information. There’s a new understanding, a new l- perception that comes with suddenly in that moment. And we think of it as this major upheaval, and I think of it as the thousandth step. You’ve taken 999 steps.

You’re just going to one more. Chopping the wood and carrying the water, and one more step. One more step. It’s like the Japanese rock garden.

Somebody say, “Hey, I got a Japanese rock garden. Come over and take a look at this,” right? And you go over and look at the Japanese rock garden, and you go in, “This guy’s got a g- he’s got a yard full of rocks.” “Yeah, it’s beautiful.” So standing there in your head, you’re going, “This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen in my life.

Rock garden.” And he goes, “No, no, wait. Just sit in this chair and stare at the rock garden for five minutes and tell me what you think.” “Fine. How am I getting these five minutes back?” “Jesus. As if these people sucking my life away one hour at a time.

It’s unbelievable.” And so you say, “All right, I’ll stare at your damn rock garden.” And you’re sitting there and you’re thinking, “Yeah, yeah, a bunch of rocks.” But, well, you know, that’s kind of interesting over there. You know, and if you just kinda go like that, look at that, that’s pretty cool right over there. All of a sudden it’s like, “Hey.” Kinda taking on its…

It’s like a little, it’s like a little city. Like a little rock city. You know, you go, “How long I’ve been doing this? A minute and a half.

Wow.” Went to a rock city in a minute and a half. What’s this… Hang on a second. Next thing you know, by the time you’re done, you’re like…

And the guy goes, “How you doing?” You go, “There’s an entire universe over here.” “This thing is amazing. Where do I get a rock garden?” Perception, altering your perception. It’s just these little consciousness pops. It’s, I get it looking at orchids.

I love orchids now, right? Mo- I say, “I love orchids,” most people think, “Mm-hmm.” “He likes flowers now.” Yeah, I do. Like flowers, like orchids. Most evolved form of plant life on the planet.

Species of, of plant life on the planet. It’s an absolutely remarkable thing. You look into an orchid long enough, you’ll fall in there and find yourself in another world. It’s the most amazing meditative process I’ve ever known in my life.

Got it… There are orchids in every room in my house. My wife’s hysterical. I come walking in the house, I go, “You got me some new orchids.” She goes, “Yeah, yeah, yeah, I thought you could use some new orchids.” I go, “That’s really cool.

Thanks,” right? She’s looking at me like, “I have no idea how to explain you to people.” I said, “Stop trying.” And w- right? And you find your own stuff. What I’m saying is, is that who you get introduced to in he- yours, i- in here is you, right?

Not all the who you think you gotta be, the masks. It’s no, really you. Get to find out what being a man’s like. It’s about being available to the people around me.

It’s about feeling a sense of responsibility and connectedness to those around me. It’s about concerning you before I concern myself. It’s about looking at my wife and not thinking, “How am I gonna get her to do what I need her to do?” Or, “How am I gonna get her to submit to me or be sub- submissive to me?” It’s more about, “How can I serve her?

How can I serve her as her mate? How can I serve her? I’m responsible to her. How do I serve her?” Luckily, I’ve got the kind of spouse who’s, has the exact same opinion about me.

Her attitude is, “How do I serve him?” And by serving me, she encourages me to serve her. And we got a nice thing going here like this, as opposed to two people in opposite camps lobbing stuff over the wall, seeing what’ll stick, right? You know what I mean? I don’t want the kind of wife who’s on the phone with her friends going, “Yeah, you heard, should’ve heard what I said to him in the morning.

Shook him up, man. Scared the hell out of him. It was great.” No. I got…

It’s, we got a give and a take that works beautifully between us. I tell people all the time, because I’m in the relationship, we’re always at risk. I mean, I tell p- people say, “How’s your relationship going?” I say, “Well, as long as her denial holds, we’re fine.” You know, it’s that morning where you expected to wake up and go, “I know who you are.

I’ll call for my things.” He’s gone, man. Like, “Oh, well, that was nice knowing you. That was cool.” Am I making sense? Yeah.

Yeah. All right. I wanna be strong enough to be gentle with self and others. Step 10 tells me I need to continue to take personal inventory, and when I’m wrong, promptly admit it.

It does not say eventually. It says promptly. It didn’t say when you’re wrong, admit it. It says when you’re wrong, promptly admit it.

There’s a reason for that. If I… I- it’s a… It’s, it’s amazing how I…

I- it’s amazing. Alcoholics, man, I can borrow $1,500 from you tell- promising you I will pay you on Tuesday. Tuesday comes, so you call me up and go, “Hey, it’s Tuesday, man. You got my 1,500?” I’m…

And my response is, “Why are you treating me like this?” “Why you wanna disrespect me like that?” It’s absolutely absurd, and I can… I resent this. I have a re…

I have borrowed $1,500 from you, and on the day I am to repay you, I have developed a huge resentment towards you. Unbelievable. And I… And so i- instead of me saying, “You know what?

I know it’s Tuesday, and I’m… you know, and I’m sorry I don’t have all the money, but here’s some of the money that I have. And, and, and, and, and I’m gonna honor this. And, you know, keep m- you know, work on my side of the street over here.” No, no, no, no.

Now I’ve got the opportunity to make it about you, and given any opportunity to make it about you, I will, right? Continue to take personal inventory, and when I’m wrong, promptly admit it. Because I’ll turn it, m- my wrongs into resentments towards others, and I will fester, and I will die. If I’m engaged in something to you where I’ve fallen short and I feel ashamed, I will hold you responsible for the shame or res- that I am feeling, and I will

kill myself w- with my alcoholism. I gotta get it out. Yeah, ooh, you know what? I’m wrong.

Or, uh, i- in the middle of a conversation, how many normies do you see? Or how many times in your life have you been in a conversation with somebody and they said, “Well, yeah, I was over here, and I went down over there, and then I did that.” Wait, time out, time out. That was all a lie. Let me start over.

I was actually over here, and I went over that way, and I was talking to that guy, right? And w- w- well, you do that with normal people, and they go, “Wait a minute. What just happened? I don’t understand what you just did.” Well, I was lying to you, and I decided I don’t wanna be that guy, and I wanna apologize for that.

And I’m going this way. And obviously, how I live my life and, and, and, and being able to make amends quickly and get out of this lie that I’m in, how you feel about me is really less important than me continuing to stay on the path I need to stay on to survive, right? We’re so concerned about what other people think about us.

Most of the time… Don’t you know that most of the time when I’m telling the lie, “Well, yeah, I was over here going over here, and I went over here, and I was talking to that guy,” lie. They’re sitting there going, “Why is he lying to me?” They know you’re lying. My sponsor told me when I was sober, he said, “If your lips are moving, you’re lying.” We know that.

How are you? Fine. No, you’re not. What are you doing?

Sitting here. No, you’re not. You’re 100,000 miles from here in your head. You’re not here.

S- what are you doing now, Earl? I’m just gonna shut up. I can’t, I can’t… I got nothing to say ’cause it just…

10, continue to take personal inventory, and when I’m wrong, promptly admit it. That’s keeping my side of the street clean ’cause it just scratched the surface of my side of the street in four and five. Six… 11, I seek God.

Gonna get into the God thing now. I seek God. How do I seek God? Through prayer and meditation.

All right. What do I pray for? Knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry that out. Okay.

You believe in God? Nope. All right. Lucky for you, that’s not necessary.

Just do it anyway. But that seems so fraud-like. Yeah, which has always been a big concern of yours, Earl. Suddenly, you’re on higher ground.

I don’t think so. Right? Just do it. All right.

You voiced your, you voiced your concern about this, Earl. Yes, I have. All right. Have we?

We have. We’ll table that, and now you’ll just do this, right? So you’re gonna pray for knowledge of God’s will for you and the power to carry that out. Fine.

Why am I meditating? Says I got to prayer and meditation. Do I have to meditate? What’s meditation?

Why do I have to do that? That sounds foreign. Well, you’re gonna meditate, Earl, to quiet the mind so when the answers come, you can hear them. Really?

All right. How do you meditate? Well, we’re gonna do something completely unnatural. We’re gonna sit still and try to quiet the mind.

Uh-oh. Uh, I don’t think that’s a good idea. Why is that? Well, every time I sit down and get quiet and close my eyes, really weird things start to happen suddenly, and I jump up and go running out of the house.

We’ll get over that, Earl. Just sit… It’s not natural for the body to be still. It’s not designed to be still.

It’s designed to be in motion. Not in… It’s not natural for the mind to be quiet. The mind is constantly moving.

The mind is constantly busy. So we’re gonna do this unnatural thing, and we’re gonna sit still and meditate. So how am I gonna… What do we do?

Okay, here’s what I want you to do, Earl. I want you to sit still, get comfortable. Right. Right.

What does comfortable feel like? Well, that looks pretty close right there. All right, good. So are you comfortable?

I guess so. I don’t know. All right, now I want you to close your eyes and I want you to slowly breathe in through your nose. Right?

Okay. All right, I can do that. And then slowly breathe out through your mouth. Like, you know, so that you don’t even really feel it, so that it’s just a I

went… Did you see how the room kind of slowed down? Did you feel the room just kind of go boom. Right?

I went, I went… This guy over here went That’s the idea, man. You’re onto it. That was classic.

I love that. The guy just went, “Jesus, pick it up here, Hightower.” Right? So I said, “All right, I can do that.” And he said, “And you’re gonna breathe, and you’re gonna count to four. You’re gonna breathe in, one.

Gonna breathe out, two. Gonna breathe in, three. Gonna breathe out, four. And I just want you to focus on the number.” And I said, “I am gonna be great at this.” “Watch me.” “All

right, here we go. One.” There are no women at this deal. God, Jesus. All right, let me try that again.

“One.” I wonder what kind of case Don’s working on. Damn. All right, I got it. Hold on.

“One.” Back’s a little tight. I suck at this. I don’t wanna do it anymore. And everybody thinks I just keep flashing off into these thoughts, into these things.

My mind won’t be quiet. It just keeps flying around. I can’t stay on one. I can’t even get to two.

I hate meditation. Vicodin is quite a bit like meditation, isn’t it? That’s when your sponsor just socks you in the head, right? “Snap out of it.” All right, what are we doing now?

All right. See, here’s the deal, Earl. You’ve got it… One more time, you’ve got it completely ass backwards.

It’s not about staying here, because you’re never gonna do that. Me- effective, successful meditation is simply acknowledging the fact that you wandered again, which is what you do, and you acknowledge it. Try not to place any judgment on it.

You don’t sit there and go, “Wandered again. Bad, Earl. Bad, Earl.” No. Just wandered again.

Acknowledge it and come back. Effective meditation is just simply being willing to acknowledge you’ve gone off and come back. Just come back. One.

Off I go. Oop. Come back. One.

Off I go. Oop. Come back. And then, inexplicably, you go one, two

The first two is a very isolated experience ’cause it completely blows your mind. It’s like, “Two? I got to two.

Oh, I’m off again.” All right. One. And it may be a while till you get back to two because to get back to two you have to let go of the con- the idea of getting back to two and just be with the one.

And then… And what you’ll do is as you figure you’re bad at this and you’re wrestling with it, and you’re doing five to ten minutes of it in the morning… And, and, and hear what I’m saying. Five to ten minutes in the morning will change your life.

It’ll change how you look out of your skull. It’ll change how you perceive things. It will expand your impulse control. It will clar…

It will simplify and clarify your decision-making process. It will allow you to focus or let go of focus much more effortlessly in every single thing that you do. It’ll bring a centeredness and a balance to your life that is a mind blower. It is an amazing thing to, over a period of time, develop a skill that s- that allows you to, no matter what is going on in your life, stop, quietly breathe in,

breathe out, open your eyes again, and you’re coming from a different place. That’s an amazing, powerful consciousness altering skill that’s in step 11. In the effort being to open myself up and allow consciousness beyond my own, God consciousness, God, into my life.

That’s how it works for me. I pray to a God I don’t understand. Mm. They say find a God as you understand Him.

I have a God I don’t understand. I’ve tried to wrap my head around the infinite. Won’t go. Just I get out there, out there, out there, out there, kind of freak myself out and snap back in the room.

Wow. Right? I don’t understand God. See evidence of God on a daily basis.

You see those two little dogs running around in here? Cute little dogs. I love dogs. I have absolutely no idea how to make one of those from scratch.

Woo! Consciousness beyond my own, man. Seeing the trees around here, these stands of trees, it’s absolutely amazing. Absolutely amazing.

They are alive. We’re walking around in the midst of… We are heavily outnumbered around here. A lot more of them than us.

Luckily, they not, they don’t move quickly. They’re just kind of here, you know? I mean, if you think about a tree, that’s a pretty cool consciousness. What are you doing?

Standing right here. If I come back later, are you gonna be here? Probably, yeah. And you’re good with that?

Couldn’t be better, man. Couldn’t be better. Stuff seems that the world keeps going by, man. I stand right here, and stuff comes by and goes here, and it goes there.

You’re here. You’re not here. You’re here. You’re not here.

It’s all good with me, man. I’ll just stand right here. Cool, right? Have no idea how to make one of those either.

No idea. Consciousness beyond my own. And as I tap into this stuff and, and as opposed to trying to think about me, find my way, find my way, how do I fit in, what’s going on with me, why are you looking at me, what’s going on, how am I doing this, how come there’s all you out there looking at me and there’s only one of me over here looking at you?

What the hell’s going on? Instead of getting into all that stuff, you know what I mean? It’s noticing that that guy’s awake again. Uh, you know, and, and that guy’s smiling over there, and that guy over there is going, “Yeah, I’m with you.” Ah, that’s nice.

And this connectedness starts to occur. ‘Cause I’ve dealt… In 10, I’m continuing to take personal inventory because I get it that I have not completed the task at hand. This is an ongoing process, man.

And what I need to be willing to do is not get into the end result, the stat of the end result, the stat of the goal, and I just need to be on the path. And 10 says, “Settle down. Just be on the path, man.” You know? Let it get a little bigger and a little brighter each and every day, and that’s enough.

That just means that there’s more hope, there’s more love, there’s more dignity. There’s a better understanding of what honor means to me. There’s a bigger understanding of respect that’s coming with each and every day. It’s just gonna get better and better and brighter and brighter if I just do these simple things.

11 says, “Keep into the medi…” You know, pray and meditate. Okay. Thy will not mine be done. Whatever, enough.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. That, that, that, that particular prayer gets discussed a lot. The thing that doesn’t get discussed in that prayer a lot is the first three words.

God grant me. Where am I going for this? It’s outside of self. It’s out of self.

It’s consciousness beyond my own. I gotta pop to the next level. I gotta pop to the next level. I gotta be grateful for the pop and try to implement it in my life.

That’s what I gotta do. That’s why when people say to me, “What are you gonna talk about?” I say, “I don’t know.” ‘Cause whatever plan I got, I get up here, look at all you, it’s gonna get erased from my brain anyway. ‘Cause I get up here and it’s like, we’re here now. We’re not where I was walking on that path trying to figure out what the hell I was gonna talk about.

Right? We’re here now. And here now, apparently, it seems to be ta- it comes to mind that Don’s gonna talk about 10, 11, 12, and he can’t do that, so I’ll talk about them. So I seek God through prayer and meditation, praying for knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry that out.

12, having had a spiritual awakening, is the result of the steps. It’s the whole point. To be relieved of the obsession of the mind, the greater aspect of my disease. I can practice these principles and carry the message to other alcoholics.

How can I help? Service. Out of self. Out of self, more God.

Out of self, consciousness pop. D– I– It’s such a wonderful thing to be in the body of Alcoholics Anonymous and to have a multitude, a never-ending supply of positive distraction from self. What are you doing?

Thinking about me a lot. New guy over there. Where? Get him.

You, come here. Who is that guy? You, come here. What do you, what do you want?

I’m getting out of myself. How you doing? I’m okay. No, you’re not.

Talk to me. How do you know I’m not? ‘Cause I’ve been you. If you got 30 days…

How are– are you fine? No. If, if you got… Clark, you got what?

Fifty-four, fifty-five? Fifty-four. Fifty-four days today. Not bad, huh?

Clark is sitting over there going, “Why is he talking to me?” What the hell just happened? Right? Right? Yeah, Clark.

Yeah. Yeah, that’s right. That’s exactly what I’m thinking. I know that feeling.

Sitting in a room and having a speaker go, “Earl, what do you think?” I’d like to run and hide. You know? But I remember Clark’s name because I met Clark when I got here, and I thought, “Wow, how cool is that, man?” To be under 60 days, shooting for that 60 days, man, shooting for that 60 days, and to be in an event like this in the company of g- men like you, right?

I mean, you gotta… I mean, at 54 days, you gotta be looking around going, “Really?” “I mean, you guys don’t really just talk about this for the weekend, you know, go home, do a couple of pops, and beat the wife?” “You really are intending to implement this in your lives.

Have I got this right?” “Yeah, that’s actually what we’re trying to do.” I’m gonna get on a plane later today, and I’m gonna make a concerted effort not to frighten anyone else on the plane. ‘Cause it’s in my head. Buckle up.

Buckle up to me means no longer feeling the legs, just voot. Turn to the person to my right. ‘Cause I, for some reason, I like to be in the aisle as if I can get away faster, you know? Like that’s gonna work, right?

Sit as close to the front as I can so that the… I understand that whatever happens to the pilot happens to me, right? If he’s gonna make it, so am I. Turn to the person on my right and say, “You know, this plane works 99.9% of the time.” “Gravity, on the other hand,

100% of the time.” You know? Do I see a spark of fear in your eyes? Good. Let me expand on this.

Yeah. And people be looking at… I actually started talking to a guy once. We hit that turbulence thing.

Bad word, turbulence. We’re in the turbulence. They say… And then people say to me, “Well, just remember it’s air.” Yeah, but it’s very hard air apparently ’cause it’s- -banging the plane.

And I turned to a guy and I said, “Uh, you know, my name’s Earl, and this is really, really frightening to me. 1974, plane crashed, boom. Bad thing, bad thing, bad thing, you know what I mean? And now we’re on a plane again, and this kind of freaks me out, and I don’t know.” And I’m looking at the guy, and all of a sudden realize this guy’s Korean.

He doesn’t speak English. Perfect. As I was saying He’s looking at me like… Pushing the button, right?

I’m not gonna do any of that today. I’m gonna get on the plane. How you doing? Good to see you.

So you’re going to LA? Obviously. That’s where the plane’s going. Yeah, yeah, right.

Okay. We’re works in progress, works in process. We’re doing the best that we can. We’re trying to move this thing forward one idea, one contrary action at a time.

Great news is this. When I need to get out of self, when I need to find another contrary action to expand consciousness so I can find a new excitement, a new passion for the day, a new belief that there’s more in the world for me, it is always there. It is always there.

You don’t… You will never run out of things to do. You will never run out of opportunities to have a new, a heightened experience of life ’cause it’s always getting better. Ten me, 11 God, 12 you.

Trust God, clean house, help others, man. I remember five years sober… Did I tell you about going to the conference? Yeah.

I did. And the guy s- and Franklin W. I told you about, and then, and Searcy in Texas, right? Trust God, clean house, help others.

That’s the core of what we do here. That’s what the steps are about, me, God, and you. It’s about finding balance in those relationships. If you’re talking about…

You go to a workshop and they say, “We’re gonna talk about relationships,” my hope would be that they’re gonna talk about the steps because that’s what the steps are about, the only kind of relationships I can have as a man. If we’re gonna talk about recovery, we gotta talk about the steps. If we’re gonna talk about any aspect of recovery, we go back to the steps. So what you know is whatever problem you’re having in your life, whatever, and you’re looking for a solution, but you haven’t been able to clearly define what the problem really is, it’s

just this sense of dis-ease, disharmony in your life, and you go, “I don’t really know what’s going on, but I’m out of sorts,” it’s a really, really good bet that if you go dive back… If you grab a newcomer and start working the steps with them, that being engaged in that process of the steps will bring solution to whatever problem you have. That’s what it’s designed to do. It’s a remarkable base starting point for the human experience, for the entire human experience.

I, I mean, for, since man started writing things down, man has been writing stories and telling stories to explain the experience of being a human walking this earth. All the stories that we tell revolve around that idea, right? And always in those stories what we find men trying to overcome is conflict with self, conflict with others, and conflict with God, and coming

to terms with those conflicts. And in the face of that conflict, how do I function effectively as a human being in this life? That’s what it’s always about for us. You take any problem you’ve got, and it seems to fall within that basic theme.

The steps address that. So however y- it manifests in our lives, I’m at odds with the wife, I’m at odds with women in general, I’m gay, I’m, I’m, I’m a, I’m an attorney and I wanna be a, a, a horticulturalist You know, um, I’m at odds with God. I can’t find that spark to a pow– that way to have a power greater than myself in.

I’m at odds with my family. I’m at odds with my workplace. I’m at odds with myself. Whatever it is, go to the steps.

Go to… Grab another person and go to the steps. Because when you grab– If you sit in self and go to the steps, that d- definitely has value, certainly, and it’s the, it’s the place we begin. But when you go get that other guy and go to the steps, look what you did.

You’re out of self. You’re over there now. You’re making room for something else. There’s a remar– When I do that, when I disengage from self and actually move towards you in an effort to be of service to you, however initially self-serving that

desire or need may be, when I do that, I create room, and I get to move into something else. It’s crazy. It’s kinda something else. Right?

Right. Right? Right. Yeah, buddy.

I mean, that’s an amazing gift to have something that, that is that far reaching and that simple. I mean, when you look in the world and you’ve seen… A- as you move through your lives and you’ve seen… Every once in a while you see something or you hear about something, or somebody says something and you think, “Genius.

That’s genius.” It’s usually something really simple, where you can’t believe nobody’s thought of that before. It’s usually something that’s simple, right? That’s brilliant. ‘Cause anybody can go, “Hey, listen, I got this thing I’ve been working on, and if you’ll just sit still for 12 hours, I’ll map it out for you.” You know, that’s just like, great.

Ugh. Right? But there’s the other guy says, “You know what? I figured out, you know,” and it’s like water.

And you go, “Wow, that’s good.” “That’s excellent.” Or the guy that said, “What are you, what are you, what are you work…” I mean, when you look at the things that have advanced us as, as humanity, well, I gotta go with the wheel. Fire. Right.

Wheel, fire, the written word. The written word. ‘Cause now we got this written word, like the big book, which is what was so genius about Bill and these guys going, “You know, we can go around talking to people about this, but the really, really big move would be to write it down so that it’s always available.

So you don’t have to run into us, you can just go get this thing.” And there it is. It’s always there. There it is, right there, right? So they wrote it down.

It’s c- And, and here’s the world. Here’s the experience. Here’s the magic. What appears to be magic.

You guys can go access it anytime you want. There it is, right? And a- along the way, we meet the storytellers, and we meet the speakers, and we meet the guys who are going, “Hey, look at this. This is my experience of this.” And then that gets shared with the next guy and the next guy and the next guy.

This has only been going on for 70 years, right? This June, it’ll be 71 years. Just 71 years. That’s a blink of an eye.

Just a blink of an eye. And look, two guys. I remember in 199– Um, 1995, I went to the, uh, uh, AA International Conference in San Diego. Went to Jack, Jack Murphy Stadium.

There’s like 70,000 alcoholics at a meeting. That’s an intense experience. When they have the flag ceremony, they’re bringing in the flags from the, what? 120 countries, I think, at that one that were, was represented there.

And we’re sitting there, and they bring out… And the last flag out is the… And the, and the birthplace of Alcoholics Anonymous, United States. And we’re just crying and clapping and cheering, and it’s this huge, monstrous experience.

The next– I left there, got on a plane and flew to East– to Albany, New York. Got in a car and drove to Eastbor- Dorset, Vermont, ’cause there were some guys that wanted me to take them through the steps. And we were at Wilson House, where Bill Wilson was born, where, you know… And, and, and we were in the house, and we did this, uh, workshop on the steps.

And we went to Bill and Lois’ gravesite. And you go to this little cemetery, and it’s all this green g- grass, but by these two graves it’s so– it’s worn to dirt. And just these two graves, and you go in, it’s Bill and Lois. There’s no mention of AA at all.

There’s just Bill and Lois’ graves, and there’s a, a brass plaque commemorating Bill’s military service that’s there, you know? And I’m standing there with these guys, and there’s a bowl at the top of Bill’s grave. And in it are AA, NA, and CA chips, 30, 60, 90 day chips, where people have gotten their chips and they’ve gone to pay respect to Bill, and they put their chips in the bowl.

And there’s a s- Stick that’s stuck in the ground at the head of Bill’s grave, and there are hospital… hundreds of hospital bands wrapped around this stick, where people get out of the hospital and they go. They are compelled to go to the beginning and put…

Now, I’ve gone from 70,000 people, come from all over the world to celebrate the 12-step path, right back to this one guy with these other four guys who are kneeling around Bill’s grave doing their third step prayer. And I’m struck with what really happens around here. When they say it’s one alcoholic sharing his experience, strength, and hope with another, that they may rise out of a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body, that’s exactly what it is.

And it’s never, ever anything more than that. ‘Cause I’m not sitting up here talking to 120 guys. I’m sitting up here talking to one person at a time. The experience is individual, right?

There’s an energy behind that that’s of a group level, that’s of a group nature, but it’s an individual thing that occurs in here. Each man experiences this moment, this day, him- in his own terms, in his own way, and incorporates that into what’s going on. We’re all here with the same thing in mind: celebrate recovery, have a new or energized experience of recovery, and that’s what we’re trying to do. But it’s really one-on-one.

I mean, that’s what we do here, right? When we leave here and we turn to the buddy we came with and we say, “What did you think of that?” And then the discussion begins, right? Speaker boy gets left behind, and the experience carries on between those two individuals and what it’s doing to their consciousness and what’s happening to them and what they take back to the guys they sponsor or their, to their sponsor.

I learn from the guys I sponsor all the time. All the time. We’ll be sitting in a meeting going through the book one more time, and we’re on page 11 in Bill’s story, and a guy with 14 days’ll go, “Well, you know, I’m just reading this for the first time, but it seems to me,” and he’ll say something.

And a guy with 38 years sitting over there’ll go, “Wow, I never heard that before.” And you’d think, “That can’t be possible.” “That can’t happen.” Happens all the time. Happens all the time to all of us. The st- uh, you know, the, the student is ready, the teacher appears.

It’s not always the guy with more time. It’s the guy with 30 days or 60 days or 90 days, right? It’s in… m- the meeting for me was when Sonny got up, you know, and took his one-year chip.

I mean, how amazing is that? He’s an alcoholic. Alcoholics don’t stop drinking for a year. And if you’re, and if you’re s- if you’re sitting out there, you know, like…

If you’re sitting out there and you think, “Well, I don’t have anything to give anybody,” the hell you don’t. New guy walks through that door right now and says, “Having a little drinking problem.” “Had bourbon for breakfast.” “Suddenly occurred to me this is not normal.” “Mir- I have no idea how to not drink today. Anybody in here got any ideas?” And some guy with 15 days runs back to that guy and goes, “Yeah, it’s great.

Listen, we got Earl H. here, famous in an anonymous program.” Very strange thing. Guy throws it down. He got this stuff knocked, man.

“We gotta… Let’s g- come on. Let’s go talk to him.” And that guy walks up and he goes, uh… I go, “How, how long you sober?” And he goes, “Zero.” “How long you sober?” “I’m sober 25 years.” He just goes click.

‘Cause it… where he’s at, you can’t be so… That’s ridiculous. It’s impossible.

Either I– you didn’t drink like him, or you’re lying. Gotta be a lost weekend in there somewhere. Right? But he’s got this…

“How long you got?” “15 days.” He goes, “Really? 15 days? How did you do that?” You can… He’ll listen to you.

Won’t listen to me. He’ll listen to you. You can help him. You’re the one.

Now, what are you gonna tell him at 15 days? What are you gonna tell him? ‘Cause at 15 days, if you’ve been in here listening to Don or me or anybody else that’s talking around in here, you know this. You know that we work– we go to regular meetings regularly.

You don’t have to understand it necessarily, but you can drag him to those meetings so you can both find out. You can– you know that we work the steps as outlined in the big book, and we get a sponsor to help us with that process. You know that. So you can take him and tell him, say, “Man, we gotta go get us a sponsor.

Come on.” And you go get a sponsor. You don’t know what you’re doing, do you? You, you’re doing it. You’re doing it.

You’re out of self and you’re being of service. You’re doing the whole deal. You’re in the game. You’re in the game.

It’ll never be any more than that. Your experience of it will deepen and become more and more and more intense and enlightened and revealing and meaningful and purposeful. And on, and, and there will be many, many, many moments in your life where you will just, out of the sheer weight of the beauty of it, drop to your knees and weep like a child. ‘Cause you’re so overwhelmed with the gift that’s been given to you, that you know you don’t deserve, that you’ll never be able

to repay, and you got it from what the rest of the world sees as the dregs of humanity, the broken ones, the ones that are damaged beyond repair, right? The alcoholics and the drug addicts. The worthless ones who are like the phoenix, man.

See, I think the difference between… W- the gift here is this: we are forced to lead exceptional lives. The normal man can go to normalcy. The normal man can go out there and, God bless him, experience resentment, fear, ha- you know, hang on to stuff, and it won’t kill him It’ll cause

him to have a lesser life, less freedom, less magic, less reward, but he can survive it, and so he’ll do it ’cause it’s not gonna kill him. We can’t afford it. We has to ri- we have to rise to a higher state of consciousness, or this illness, this disease will kill us.

So we have to embrace a spiritual path. We have to get out of self and be of service to others and, as a result, attach to family, attach to friends, develop a commu- a sense of family and a sense of community. We have to participate on a higher level ’cause if we don’t, our alcoholism will… It’s nipping at our heels, will jump up, catch us, and drag us back down into the mud.

So we have to lead exceptional lives. And if you look at the people around here, that’s what they do. Find the ones with the light in their eyes. Find those people.

They’re all over the place. Do not look at the s- cut of the slacks. Do not look at the sport coat. Do not see if it’s this season’s tie, if he’s got the great sports car, the beautiful blonde on his arm.

All great stuff, but that’s not where the magic lies. That’s the way we get deceived. Look deeper. You gotta look deeper.

And the, the key is the eyes. Look them in the eyes. You can see the magic. You can see the dance that’s going on.

You can see the lightness, the magic that’s happening in the eyes, and you can find the man who’s really experiencing life on a profound level, who is enjoy… The only thing in the book that’s insisted upon is that we absolutely insist upon enjoying life. Find the ones that are doing it. And go to them and say, “How did you get that?

I am now willing to do what you did to get it. I am now willing to take this action. Give me the direction. Point me in the right direction.” And you will hear him say things that make no sense.

Makes absolutely no sense. “All right, here’s what I want you to do. You see that maniac standing over there in the corner occasionally barking at people?” “Yeah, I’ve been avoiding him since I got here.” “I want you to go over and ask him if he’d like a cup of coffee.

And if he says yes, ask him if he wants cream or sugar. And when he tells you, go get it for him, bring it to him, and then come back over here.” “Well, what the hell? Fine.” “Okay, you got a big book?” “Yes.” “Do you know where it is?” “No.” “Locate the big book and call me.” Right?

And it begins. And people think, “Well, that’s just such simple, mundane stuff.” No, it’s not. No, it’s not. It’s the path to freedom.

It’s absolutely the path to freedom. And if you’re in this sitting here going, “Is this guy nuts? Is it s- sleep deprivation. That’s what it is.

That’s what’s got him talking like a lunatic. He’s having an acid flashback.” No. Look around the room. There’s guys in here right now going, “Yep.” Spot ’em.

They’re in here. The Magi, man, they’re in here. The teachers, they’re in here. They’re guys that you’d never even a million years look at and think, “That guy’s onto something.” Right?

The storytellers, you heard ’em. There’s a guy here from Montana. Pay attention. Sitting back…

He’s easy to spot. You think that’s some big cowboy dude, probably knows more about people– horses than people. Think again.

There’s magicians in here. They’ll restore you to sanity, soundness of mind. They will leave you the obsession to drink and use. They won’t do it personally, but they’ll be the messenger for you, and they’ll show you the information.

Messengers are gonna come and go. The information’s there. And they will give you the path to it. They’ll give you the key to the kingdom.

They’ll show you the way. But you gotta do the thing. See, you gotta come get it. You gotta come get it.

We’ll give you the key, but you got to come walk up to the lock, put the key in the lock, turn the lock, open the door, and take what’s there for you. You gotta come get it. We– And we’ll not rob you of that experience. We want you to come make it your own.

We want you to come wrestle with it your way. We will not rob you of that. We will not chase you around. You don’t see meeting halls, right, with newcomers circling it, and occasionally a guy runs out and grabs one and drags him back into the meeting.

We’re not out trolling in front of bars, tripping guys as they come out, throwing them in cars, and dragging them to meetings. We’re not doing that. That’s not what AA does, right? We’re, we’re here.

We’re not gonna rob you of the experience. Some guy like me, right? I couldn’t stop drinking. I was intervened on.

I’m now an interventionist myself. I do the same thing to others that was done to me. Couldn’t stop. Guy came, had a conversation with me.

I said, “That makes more sense than anything I’ve ever heard,” got in the car, and went to treatment. Treatment center broke down my resistance to being involved in a 12-step process of recovery ’cause I had con- much contempt prior to investigation. I’m known to have contempt during investigation. And

the spark happened for me in the first AA meeting I ever went to. I’m a very, very, very lucky man. And I’ve never left you. Never left you.

See, that’s the thing about this that’s at– that’s so astonishing to me is here it is. Here it is. Pay attention if you do. How many people are handed the gift and say, “Thank you, no,” and go die?

So many people are handed the gift, say, “Thank you, no,” and they go die. I have that disease. My disease is no different. I remember taking a, a panel, brand new, fresh, gr- wet behind the ears, first panel, real excited.

Gather up my little lunatics, get in the car, drive down to USC County Hospital. County Hospital, alcoholism unit. End of the line, man. End of the line.

That place is the end of the line. Go in, the old nurses in there with the 1,000-yard stare, man, ’cause they’ve just seen too much of the ass end of this deal, right? Yeah. And they look and see us coming in.

“Hi, we’re the guys from AA.” And she’s looking at you, “Yes you are, baby. Go on in.” And she’s looking at us like we’re gonna feed a few more AA guys to these guys. Just feeding us to the wolves, right? And we go rock- trotting in there, you know, and the other guy– They’re all looking to me as their leader, right?

But, which is a really bad idea. We go run in there and I find this guy laying in a bed. He’s in four-point restraints. He’s a color I’ve never seen a human being before, including the whites of his eyes.

Never seen a person that color, except I was close. But this guy, wow. And it looks like there’s a football under the sheet where his liver is. I mean, it’s, I mean, it’s blown out, right?

I find out later this guy’s never leaving. He’s dying. He’s dying of alcoholism. He can stop drinking right now, it’s not gonna make a bit of difference.

He’s dead. He’s a dead man. And he’s laying in the bed and I said, “Listen, we’re gonna have us an AA meeting. And, and, and I, I see that you can’t get up ’cause they got you strapped in.” “We’ll get our chairs and we’ll spring them and set them around the bed here and then we’ll have a meeting with you.

How, what do you think of that?” Man looked me right in the eyes. This is 23 years ago. Looked me right in the eye, I’ll never forget it, and said, “Why? I don’t have a drinking problem.” And I went .

Just sucked all the air out of the room. And I– ’cause it hit me. I have that disease. I have exactly the same disease that guy does, and I’m sitting here sober?

And earlier today I was complaining about having to drive down here to talk to these people? Shame on me, man. Adjust that attitude. New consciousness.

Thank you very much, sir. That guy was pivotal in my staying sober. Pivotal. It was one of the last things he ever did, was give me a real good look at alcoholism.

I’ll thank him till the day I die. Which, uh, which hopefully won’t be like that, because I come in here. As Don said, the maintenance of my spiritual condition. The maintenance.

So to wrap it up, what I do is I go to regular meetings regularly. It’s what I do ’cause that’s what works. Say whatever else you want about it, that’s what works. I have a sponsor that I am in contact with on a regular basis because that’s what works.

I read the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. I sponsor a legion of guys, take them through the steps. Why? ‘Cause that’s what works.

When asked to speak at events like this, I do so intermittently. Do I turn down AA requests? You bet. W- you show me where it says I shouldn’t turn down AA requ– If I don’t turn down AA requests, I’m not married, that’s for sure.

I don’t have a job, that’s for sure, because I’m an AA gypsy. From weekend to weekend to weekend, flying around the country. I’m booked into 2008, but I’m booked once a month, tops, to leave town. The rest of the time I’m in town being a good AA member, working with the guys I sponsor, putting chairs away, going to my meetings, doing the deal.

I don’t wanna be a special alcoholic flying all over the damn place all the time. “Hi, I’m an alcoholic in Bangkok.” I’ve done that. Been to Reykjavik. Been all over the– Been to– I’ve been so far away if you go any further, you’re on your way back.

That’s how far I’ve been. But what I do in my day-to-day life is what everybody else does, what the late, great Donald Madden told me to do, and every right-thinking, right-minded, spiritually centered, gentle, kind man I’ve met in AA. The guys I look at as the guys I wanna be, those are the guys that I follow.

They’ve all told me to do the same thing. Trust God, clean house, and help others. Go to regular meetings regularly. Work the steps as outlined in that Big Book with the guidance of a sponsor.

When you’ve got the– When you’ve been relieved of the obsession of the mind, the greater aspect of the disease, when you walk the earth a free man, hang on to that by giving freely to those the same thing. Give it to other people. Sponsor people and be of service to others. That’s the deal.

Out of that springs a remarkable life. I’ve had a blast being here with you guys this weekend, and I, I don’t know enough of you to like you, but I love every single person sitting in this room. I wish you peace. Thanks.