Hi, everybody. My name is Earl. I’m an alcoholic. Hi, Earl.

Hi. I’d like to thank the committee. I always forget that part. I’d like to thank the com- the committee for asking me to speak.

I’d like to thank, uh, Patrick and his wife, Andrea, for keeping an eye on me. Um, Jim and Patty for a lovely dinner tonight. Thank you very much. Great conversation.

Had a great time. Uh, Paul and Max for speaking last night. That was great. Um, if you weren’t here last night, they– it was a tremendous tandem talk.

What? Paul, Max, why don’t you stand up, please and- -take a bow? Payback. They’re heroes of mine, actually.

I, uh, I was, uh… Paul and I, we, we run into each other, or Max and Paul and I run into each other a lot doing this stuff. And, uh, one time I had to make amends to Paul because, uh, I spoke at a conference one time, and after I spoke, they did the countdown, and there was a guy there with one day, so I was the only speaker he’d ever heard.

And they brought him up and gave him a big book, and the guy, uh, took the big book and held it up to me and asked me if I would sign his big book in front of everybody, right? Well, what am I doing signing a big book, you know? I mean, I didn’t know what to do, and everybody thinks that was just really nice and everything. So I didn’t know what to do, so I just opened it up, turned to page four forty-nine and wrote, “Keep coming back.

Love, Dr. Paul.” And I’ve been doing that ever since. Oh, God.

Uh- Let’s just start ripping here. Let’s get sober as soon as we can. Um, I started drinking when I was twelve years old. I had been restless, irritable and discontented for some time.

And, uh, I had been sent away to boarding school, and I, uh, some guys I’d gotten into a fight with the… I was the smallest kid in the school and the youngest kid in this boarding school. This other kid found me, who was the biggest kid in the school, and, uh, he found me, beat the crap out of me. Actually, he made a crack at me, so I hit him, and then he beat the crap out of me.

And then, uh, I went to my room, and word spread across this campus, you know, “You gotta watch out for this little Hightower kid. He’s a maniac. He attacked Tiny,” the, the big kid, right? So I was, like, instantly famous at this school and, uh, had absolutely nothing to do with who I was.

All I was was an absolutely terrified human being. I didn’t hit him because I was a tough guy or a bad guy. I hit him ’cause I was terrified of him. Basically, my first tool for living, when in, when in fear, attack.

That was my mode of operation. And, uh, the cool guys started coming around ’cause they wanted to find out who I was. And they came up to my… Matt, Matt came to my room and said, “You wanna smoke a joint?” And I said, “Well, yeah.” You know, and I had, I had no idea what he was talking about.

I didn’t know what that was. All I heard was, “You wanna come with us?” And feeling like I’d been, you know, thrown away by my family and thrown into this school, I figured I’m alone in the universe. You know, I gotta hook up. So I went with Matt, and Matt, we picked up Steve, and Steve had a Tupperware container, you know, wrapped in aluminum foil, and I didn’t know what that was, you know.

So we go behind the dorm, and Matt fires up this joint, takes a hit, and hands it to me, and I just did what he did. I’m twelve, these guys are thirteen, and Steve carefully unwraps the Tupperware container, which is filled with cheap red wine. Um, and he took a pull on the wine, and I took a pull on the wine and the joint and the wine, and I have no idea why we’re doing this. And I have no idea who these guys are, but, you know, at least there’s human beings here, you know, and nobody, you know, wants to fight.

I figure it’s getting better anyway, and then we’re going around. And all of a sudden, I mean, just, just like that, it happened. That thing that makes me bodily different from my fellows occurred. And this kind of feeling just wafted up over me.

And suddenly, for… uh, inexplicably, I was comfortable standing where I was standing, doing what I was doing with the people I was doing it with. And I had never felt like that in my life. It was just bliss.

I had found the secret to life. Now, I don’t know, is it the pot? I don’t know if it’s the wine. I don’t know if it’s the fact that I’m standing here talking to my two closest personal friends, Matt and Steve- – ’cause I’m feeling a strong kinship with these guys suddenly.

I don’t know what it is. All I know is, is that all those warnings I’d had early in life, you know, pot leads to heroin. You know? You know, you have a drink, go live under a bridge.

I mean, all that stuff just went poof because I was fine. And I got to remember that to this day. In the beginning for me and my drinking, were– there were, there were no consequences to it. It was the greatest thing I had ever felt in my life, and I paid no price for it.

So why the hell not do this? Go for it. And I made a serious commitment that day, that I’m gonna do this every single opportunity I get, and I got an opportunity to every single day, no matter what, for the next sixteen years.

Despite the fact that that not paying a price part, uh, slowly but steadily changed for me. It got progressively worse and worse and worse. But by the time that was occurring, I had crossed the line, and there was no turning back. So it was humble beginnings for me.

Thirteen was pills, and the only reason I ever took a pill was because I was… A guy walked up to me and said, “Would you like a couple of these?” And I said, “Well, yeah.” I see no harm in that. Took a couple of pills, and twenty minutes later, I was laying on the floor, and I was very happy down there. This is all right.

This feels fine. A- and that, you know, so the third… It was just, you know, two-and-oh, second on, let me talk, you know All kinds of interesting things. 14, I, I started taking psychedelics simply because a girl said to me, “Would you like some acid?” And I said, “Well, sure.” And

I took it, and she said, “Did you take that whole thing?” And I said, “Well, yeah, it was a very small thing.” You know? I’m, uh, I’m used to these, you know, capsule things. And she said, “Well, that was three hits of White Lightning.” Ah, a little identification over here. Oh.

I just went, “Oh, no.” Needless to say, the next two days were very interesting for me. That was indeed a life-altering experience. For some reason, we went to the supermarket in the midst of this, and to this day, going into a supermarket takes a real commitment on my part. It’s like, “All right, we’re going in.” It was…

You know, there’s… You make a lot of decisions in there. You know what I mean? You do.

You know, you just kind of take these things for granted, most people. I don’t take them for granted. I mean, you go in there, you know, if you like corn, do you have any idea how many kinds of corn there are? And you’re looking in the corn section, and suddenly you have the realization, “There’s corn on the cob somewhere else in here.” “And that’s just too many.

I’ll come back later. I can’t do this.” I mean, I really like… You- you’ve seen the abandoned shopping cart in markets, right? I identify with that guy.

I understand. Just I’ll come back later. And so 15, I started shooting drugs, only because I was at a party and a girl said, “Would you let me stick this in your body?” And I said, “Well, yeah.” And she did, and I did one of those, you know, headfirst into the table things.

You know, I went . And on the way down, I just remember thinking, “Oh, yeah.” “That’ll do.” I just saw that as another color in the paint box. You know what I mean? It’s just like, what, what colors are we gonna paint with today, you know?

I mean, we’ll get a little of this. We’ll get a little of that. You know? And, and I, I identify as an alcoholic, and here I am talking about drugs.

And to show my respect to Alcoholics Anonymous, I must say, you know, I’m a child of the ’60s, and we were very, very focused on the drugs. Our parents were the alcoholics. We weren’t gonna drink ourselves to death. We were gonna kill ourselves in a whole new way.

Carve out our identity, you know? And, uh, so we were very focused on the drugs and, and, um, but ha- in retrospect, you know, the only time I’ve had any clarity as far as viewing my own life is concerned has been while I’ve been a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. And having done my inventory work, I look back on my life, and yeah, the drugs would come and go.

But there was only one thing that was always on the table, always, and that was alcohol. Alcohol was in the game for me every single day, and the other stuff would come and go. And my drug of choice was what you got. I mean, I was not a specialist.

You know what I mean? I was not committed to one thing. It was just, you know, I’d go to go get some heroin, and they didn’t ha- and it wasn’t that good, I’d buy the cocaine. I didn’t care, you know.

All planning to go down, not available, fine. Up is good. Oh. We’ll go up.

I would– It didn’t make any difference to me ’cause all I knew was is I gotta get out of right here right now. I gotta get out of here right now because right now, right here, being in the moment, all the things that we learn in Alcoholics Anonymous, being right here, being comfortable, standing where I’m standing, doing what I’m doing with the people I’m doing it with, I can’t do that sober. I can’t.

I’m way too self-centered, frightened, fearful of everything and everybody. I, I, I thought very early in my life I’m missing a piece somewhere that other people have. ‘Cause when I walk into a room, I’m the odd man out ’cause my, my insides never matched up to your outsides. I was a loser everywhere I went in my own mind.

I was afraid I couldn’t measure up. It w- I was a mess, but you threw the, throw the chem– you know, you medicate me appropriately- -and severely. And I could jump in. I could be in the game.

I could leave the house. So booze was it. I mean, booze was the great equaliz- was my best friend. Booze was the thing I could rely on.

Drugs are extremely unreliable. You never know what you’re… There’s no quality control, uh, going on out there. You know, you don’t know what you got till you got it in you.

And I was forever overshooting the mark. You know what I… The alcohol was the thing that I could count on. You go get yourself a quart of gin, you know what you got.

You know what you got. You get a fifth of Jack Daniel’s, you can count on Jack. You can count on him. You do so much cocaine, you can’t get your mouth open anymore.

You suck a little gin through your teeth, and you can go on with the party. You’re all right. Not enough heroin to get you where you’re going, which for me is that cool, quiet, dark, heart and lungs only working place. You get there, and you have not enough heroin to get you there, don’t worry.

Jack Daniel’s will get you the rest of the way. He’ll get you home. They’ll get you there. So I, I relied on alcohol every single day.

And in the end for me, um, the last four years of my drinking, um, it was just alcohol, Valium, and cocaine. And the, and all– the only reason I was, you know, three, four grams of cocaine a day was just to keep me on my feet, so I could keep drinking the way I needed to drink. And the Valium was just so when I got so sick I couldn’t drink anymore, I’d take about 150 milligrams of Valium a day just to get me well enough to go back to drinking. It was never for me about getting sober, ever.

So those were my humble beginnings. 16, I hit the nuthouse for the first time. Um, attempted to escape. Didn’t know about Thorazine.

You know, so when I was, you know, sitting at lunch during my little, you know, having my lunch with Kilday, who I always had lunch with Kilday in the nuthouse ’cause Kilday was really crazy, and you could just, if you– all you had to do was just start talking just a little bit too fast, “Kilday,” and Kilday’d, “Ah,” and Kilday would just spin like a top. And it was very entertaining. He was very– Every meal was like Dinner in a Shell, you know?

You have your little meal. And you watch Kilday flip out. So I used her as a diversion to escape, and I got Kilday spinning that way. And they had the exit signs just like they have here, the green ones that are lit up, Exit, and that’s what I wanted.

It was just, it, it boiled it down to one word for me, Exit. That’s what I wanted to do. So I had Kilday spinning that way, and I, and I made my break from the nuthouse, and I just, “Go.” And I’m hauling ass.

That’s all I got, you know? And I got the arms working and, and like your brain’s working fine, and I’m looking down going, “Something’s wrong.” And over the, the loudspeaker from the nurse’s station, you hear, “Uh, Lou, when you got a minute, you wanna grab Earlie? He’s making a break for the door.” And Lou’s in there having a sandwich going, “Yeah, yeah, I’ll get him in a minute.

Hang on.” Very demoralizing. I mean, at this point I’m like 16 years old. I’m, uh, and I know that, I know, I know I’m an alcoholic. I’m a drug addict.

I’m a high school dropout. I mean, you know, I know that that’s all true for me. The next thing they threw, and you know, I need tools. These are my tools for living: drugs, alcohol, violence, and run.

And I had to add to the mix now, if you’re gonna throw, if you’re gonna get thrown in the nuthouse, you gotta get out before they get the Thorazine in you, ’cause if you don’t, you leave in an asay. So the next time I got thrown in the nuthouse, I escaped the s– very first day, and I blew out of that joint, and I’m running for the fence, and all I’m thinking at that moment, and my life’s getting bad already. I’m estranged from my family.

Um, I’m a high school dropout. I had a very high IQ back then. You know? I don’t have it anymore, so I’m not bragging.

It’s all gone. You know, I mean, I had a lot going for me, and nothing was happening. It was just all going south. I, I had a b– had a wonderful education up to that point, held me in good stead to this very day.

But, uh, it was just all about medicating myself on a daily basis. I couldn’t be in the world without it, and I couldn’t miss a day, and the drugs that they gave you in the nuthouse just weren’t any fun. So I blew. All I knew was I’m running for that fence.

If I make it over that fence, I’m fine. I don’t have any problems because I’ll be drunk within twenty minutes, and that’s all that matters ’cause I drink and use no matter what, which is the difference between me and a problem drinker. You give a problem drinker a good reason to stop, they can actually do it. You know, you get, problem drinker gets a five oh two, a drunk driving charge, goes before the judge.

Judge says, “You know what? I’m sick of seeing you. Y- I see you one more time, you’re doing a year. We’re not gonna talk about it.

We’re not gonna discuss it. You’re just gonna do a year.” Problem drinker hears that and goes, “Well, I don’t wanna go to jail,” actually stops drinking and driving. Me, I start wondering what it’s gonna be like in jail ’cause I know I’m going. You know, thank you, Your Honor, for the information.

I’ll just pencil in a year here ’cause it’s- -bound to happen. I got lots of good reasons to stop but never could. Never could. Fifteen to 19, I, I spent out on the streets doing what you do up and down the Western Seaboard, doing what you do to stay drunk on a daily basis.

Nineteen, I, I met this woman at a party. We talked twenty minutes, so we were in love, and we decided that we had to g– you know, I had to go to college. I didn’t even have a high school diploma. But I went on an interview for a business college in Northern California, and based on that interview, they accepted me to the college.

You know, one more time I’m walking out of a room thinking, “Okay, now how am I gonna get myself out of this one?” So I, I went back. Hadn’t seen my father in, in quite a long time, um, not of any substance. There was nothing, any substance between us from, a, my age 12. I pretty much left home when I went away to school, and I never really went back.

And I went back to him. I said, “Look, I got accepted to college. Don’t ask, but if you write me a check for a year’s tuition, I’m leaving town.” He said, “Fine,” wrote me a check, and me and this woman piled all our belongings and eight pounds of hash in the back of this truck and drove to Northern California, go to college.

And she got a straight job, and I was going to school during the day, and I became a drug dealer, and I was dealing drugs on the campus and studying marketing and production and distribution in college. My business was booming, and I had no problem with any of this because, I mean, I had no sense of family. I had no sense of community. I had no ethics.

I had no morals. I had no sense of right or wrong. Um, I was a liar, a cheat, and a thief, and I had no problem with any of that. The only problem I had was if I ran out.

That was it. That was the only problem I could see. Uh, 20 years old, they diagnosed me with having malignant cancer, so I flew back to LA. They did major surgery on my upper back, told my family I was gonna die, told me I needed to prepare myself, and I remember just thinking, “You have no idea who you’re talking to.” You know, that comes up like

twice a week, the way I’m using these days. I was already starting to, uh, take ambulance rides to hospitals to get my stomach pumped, overshooting the mark. And, um, so they put me in the nuclear medicine program down in Santa Monica, California. I was going and getting injections of this stuff, and I hated it, so I just stopped.

I just walked away and, uh, went home and got loaded the way I get, which was, and it was getting pretty vicious at this point. And I beat the cancer then. And basically I beat it, I believe, because at that point my body was so toxic cancer could not live in my body. I had…

It was bad. It was very bad. It’s amazing what the human body can take. So I, uh, beat that and went back up to college.

And, uh, my mother called me. I was, uh, 21 years old, junior in college, editor-in-chief of my college newspaper, early acceptance to go to USC law school. Um, everything was looking good out here, and, uh, but it was going, it was getting real bad inside. It was getting real bad inside.

I was chasing the beast real hard and trying to, trying to win every day, trying to get just a, just a couple, two, three hours where there was any kind of peace, any kind of ease or contentment at all before I blacked out or went into the insanity of, uh, uh, that it can produce. And, uh, my mother called me and said, “Look, we haven’t been anywhere as a family in 10 years. Your 22nd birthday is coming up.

We’ll go anywhere you wanna go. Let’s just go as a family.” And I said, “Fine.” And I flew back to LA, and we took off the next morning to fly to Guadalajara. On the way there, the plane crashed, and everybody got killed but me. My mother, my father, and my little sister all died, and I didn’t.

And I woke up on a mountain in Mexico, and I had a, my skull was fractured, and my back was broken in three places, and the leg crushed, arm crushed, internal. I mean, I was a mess from head to toe. I couldn’t move my legs at all. And I, and my, my mother was laying over there, and my little sister was laying over there, and my father was laying right there.

And I couldn’t get to them, and I couldn’t do anything for them, and I just laid there and watched them all bleed to death right in front of me. And I, uh, I rolled over on my back, and I just laid there, and I s– and I thought, “You know, I have no interest in a God that would do this.” I mean, uh, take a gentle, kind, loving creature like my little sister, Kimberly, and leave a lying, cheating, thieving, dope-fiend alcoholic like me on the planet. I, uh, I had no, wanted no part of a God like that, and I renounced God.

And, uh, several hours later, I just kept banging myself in the side because it hurt so bad. The only thing I could move was my right arm, and every time I hit myself, it hurt so bad that it, the pain would keep pulling me up out of the shock ’cause I figured I was gonna shock out and die if I didn’t. So I just kept hitting myself. And some guys came up, and they scavenged the plane wreck, took the money out of my wallet, and then left me up there to die.

So I had no more use for you either. I had no love of God. I had no love of my fellow man. I was out of the game.

And I swore I was gonna get down off of this mountain, and I was never gonna love another human being again as long as I lived, and I was never ever gonna tell you who I was, so there’s no way you’re gonna love me. I’d been underground basically for a long time anyway. I hadn’t been a part of society. I hadn’t been a part-

Of a family. There’s no more need for the pretense, though, in my life. I’m going at it hammer and tong, and if you don’t like it, you can just get out of the way. Um, I felt like a loveless, soulless human being, and I found out years later that I was suffering from, uh, real severe survivor’s guilt.

I felt like I had no right to be on the planet at all. Everybody was dead but me. I had no right to even be here. So with the, um…

They finally got me down off the mountain, and they took me to a hospital in Los Mochis, Mexico, and, uh, they found where they got my ID, and they, and they… I’d had some problems in Mexico earlier on. That’s another story we don’t need to get into. They wanted to know what the hell I was doing in Mexico.

So I, when I finally came to in the hospital, there was an interpreter and a, um, a bunch of federal, armed federales guarding me, and they interrogated me for three and a half days and wouldn’t give me anything for pain. And every time they’d get pissed off at me, they’d just sit me up in bed, and my back was busted, so I’d just pass out, and they’d lay me back down, and I’d wake up, and they’d talk to me for a while, and I just kept saying, “Pilot error, pilot error.” Then they’d sit me up, and I’d pass out.

And finally, I called a buddy of mine that I was doing business with, um, up in Northern California, and he called his family in Mexico City, and they flew the co- the family plane and, and paid off a bunch of guys, and I basically smuggled myself out of Mexico. Ended up in a hospital in Santa Monica, California. Stayed there for quite a while, um, and came out of there as, uh, crazy and angry and hostile and nuts and strung-out as I ever been in my life.

And I had nothing in the way. I had a lot of money, a place in Bel Air, view of the city, cars, cash. Threw a party that lasted for three and a half months to kick it off and, uh, used for the next four and a half years. Um, hell-bent, man, just there was no slowing me down.

Uh, the only time I drew a sober breath in the last four and a half years was when, uh, I’d go into this little, little illegal sanitarium in Hollywood where I’d give them a hundred and fifty dollars cash, and they’d take me and strap me to a table, shoot me full of anticonvulsants, and let me ride. And you’d walk in, and you’d give them your bottle of Valium and your car keys and your gun and your wallet, and they’d go and strap you down, and you, they, they didn’t really care what happened to you. They were either to send you home or the morgue.

They didn’t care at the end of your, at the end of your seventy-two hours. And we’re all laying there kicking and screaming like dogs and swear– you know, reintroducing ourselves to God. You know what I mean? “You get me out of this sane and alive, and I’ll never drink again, man.

My ass is kicked. Never drink again.” I had stopped using all the heroin and all that stuff because I kept overdosing all the time. And for now, for me, it was just about alcohol. I mean, it’s the, the problem with drugs, I think, is that, you know, you get a good enough habit going, eventually you get to the point where you gotta kill yourself to get off.

You know what I mean? So- Enough of that. So I was just drinking. And boy, that’s when it got real bad.

And I was coming to in different cities and coming to in, in, uh, alleys in, in Venice with four police officers in front of me, and I don’t even know what we’re talking about and on the… I mean, just cra– it just, I mean, I got war stories like everybody else. I mean, it’s just violence and sev– the severity of it, it got extreme.

I was dying. I didn’t know what to do. Every time I’d leave that detox center, I went there three or four times, I would be drunk before I’d get home. I couldn’t even get from there home without getting drunk ’cause I had no idea what I was dealing with.

I didn’t know… I knew I was an alcoholic. I’d known it for years. So?

It’s me. It’s what I do, you know? I’m, I’m used to it. I’m not gonna do what everybody else does.

I’m never gonna be a part of a family. I’m never gonna have friends. I’m never gonna be lo- do that loving and being loved thing. I’m out of that game.

I’m gonna drink and use till I die, and that’s just the end of this story. And I accepted that. But the, it was really getting nuts, really getting nuts. And I came out of my last blackout, and I was, um, twenty-eight years old.

I had hair out like this. I had a beard out like this. I was bright yellow. I weighed two hundred and fifteen pounds.

I was psychotic, and I do not use that term loosely. I could not distinguish between fantasy or reality. I’d come to, and I, and I’d th-think of something, and I didn’t know: Did I dream that? Did I do that?

Did somebody tell me that? Did I see it on TV? I didn’t know. It was just a big, mad blur.

And again, at that point, at that point in my life, I’d broken seventy-five bones. I had a, I’d been stabbed twice, shot at. I’d had, I had between six and seven hundred stitches in me. Um, my family was dead.

I had no friends. I had no place to live. It was over. I had burned my life to the ground.

It was over. And I was in a lot of trouble ’cause apparently I had attempted to murder the landlord, and he wasn’t happy about it. All this in a blackou– as told to me. I had no memory of any of this.

I do, however, remember him, and I… Still seems reasonable to me. No, it doesn’t. Anyway, I, uh, I threw up two broken hands.

I don’t know how I broke my hands. And I said, “Help.” And they took me by ambulance to a hospital, an emergency room. They pumped my stomach and said– I’d had my pu- stomach pumped so many times I could talk to you while you did it. They could run the tubes, and I’d say, “How you doing?” “Uh, it’s a bad day.” It’s bad.

And they said they just laughed at me because I was a pathetic drunk. I was twenty-eight years old, and I looked like I was a sixty-year-old dying man. They said, “Get him out of here. He’s gonna die.” And they took me to another place, Olive View Medical Center, and they kept me for five days and said, “Get him out of here.

He’s getting worse.” Then they took me down to a free bed in a place called Long Beach General Hospital under the care of a lady named Dr. Vicki Fox. And she kept me for another twelve days of detox and a thirty-day program. I’ll never forget that woman, man.

She was from Georgia. She had the hair piled up on her head with this pencil stuck in it and the glasses on the chain. Always had a bunch of files under a sweater, and she had a cigarette stuck out of the corner of her mouth that never left there. She’d smoke it right there, and there was always ashes on the files and on her sweater.

And I’m sitting in detox trying not to throw another seizure. I’m just hanging onto the chair I’m sitting in, just tweaking And she came– she knows there’s, like, eighteen, nineteen of us in this pla– in the detox part, and she comes blasting in through the swinging doors. And everybody, I mean, we all just stopped breathing when she walked in, man, ’cause she had a energy and a air about her that just commanded your attention.

And she had mine, man. She scared the hell out of me. And she walked in, and she scanned these guys, and she looked over at me, and she walked right over to me, and she patted me on the cheek and she said, “Baby, you really do need to be here.” And I just went, “Yeah.” And she walked out, and that was the first direction I got.

And I– yeah. There was just– There wasn’t anything left to get around it. There was nowhere to go. There was no, “Yeah, but I’m going this way.” It was just, “Yeah, I’m just sitting in this chair tweaking- -until I’m not sitting in this chair tweaking.” You know what I mean?

Till somebody says, “Get up and go over there.” And when they said, “Get up and go over there,” I did. ‘Cause I didn’t have anything left. It was over. My life was over.

And I got out of there, and through a series of circumstances, I ended up in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. And that was on a Friday night. It was an eight-thirty meeting. It was in the b-basement of a church over in West Los Angeles.

And I walked through the door, and I sat down in the back with my arms folded, with my best tough guy look on my face, man, just to keep them off of me. “Don’t come up on me. I’m too afraid. I’m too afraid.

No, don’t come up on me ’cause you might get hurt. Don’t come up on me ’cause I might get hurt. I might get– I’m like glass, and you’re gonna ask me a question, and I’m not gonna know the answer, and I’m gonna go run screaming into the night, and I can’t do that ’cause I got nowhere else to go.” If there had been any place else on Earth left to go, I’d have gone there.

This was the last stop for me. And I didn’t want what you had. I didn’t know anything about what you had. All I knew was, was that people came here, and they didn’t drink.

And that– And my counselor at the hospital, Ray W., had said, “Earl, if you don’t wanna die, you’re gonna have to go to AA.” And I said, “Okay, Ray.” And I ended up there. And I sat in the back. And all the guys with some time, I mean, they knew who I was.

They knew how scared I was, and they knew how dangerous I was as a result of that. They didn’t come up on me. They read me right. And they just said, “Coffee’s over there, brother.

Get yourself a seat. We’re glad you’re here.” And they did it from across the room. You know, and I just grunted at them and went over. I mean, they weren’t stupid.

They knew. Just give them a little time. You know? Give them a little room.

But every meeting’s got a guy with nine months that just caught fire with Alcoholics Anonymous- -and will be giving it away tonight, you know? And all he saw was newcomer. “This guy’s coming at me.” And I thought, “Oh, Jesus.” And I’m mad dogging this guy, right? Trying to throw him off, you know?

He don’t see it. He just sees a new guy. And he comes up and he says, “Hi, I’m Vegas. I’m an alcoholic.” And I said, “So what?” “Me too.

It ain’t exactly the highlight of my life. I don’t know what you’re so thrilled about. Get away from me.” And he looked at me, and he said this, and if you’re new here tonight, I know there’s a bunch of you, stick with me on this one. He said, “Keep coming back.” Now, I don’t know about you, but my reaction to that was not

a positive one. I remember thinking, “Oh, beautiful.” At about four AM when I’m losing it, ’cause I’m getting about a hour sleep a night right about now. That’s gonna come in real handy, pal.

Keep coming back. Apparently, there’s some deep spiritual significance to this that you all know and I don’t. So I’m loving AA so far. You all win.

I’m the loser. I’m very comfortable being here now with the keep coming back thing. If you’re new, step up to the plate. First guy that walks up to you and with that all-knowing expression says, “Keep coming back,” or, “One day at a time,”- -or my personal

favorite, “Just turn it over, buddy.” When they do that to you, when they do that to you, just say, “Excuse me. I don’t understand the deep spiritual significance of just turn it over. Would you mind expanding on that for me a little bit?” Well, my neck of the woods, if they’re honest, about seventy-five percent of them would say, “You know, I don’t know what it means either.” “They said it to me when I got here, and I’m just passing it on to you.

I don’t have a clue what it means.” But there’s a guy over there that reads the big book. Maybe we should go ask him. So if you’re new, don’t let them wow you too quick. You know?

If you’re anything like me, you’re not sure about anything. You know what? That’s fine. That’s fine.

When I came in, I was so scared. I was so crazy. I didn’t say a word in Alcoholics Anonymous for the first two and a half years I was here. I wouldn’t recommend that to anybody.

That’s just my story. That’s what happened to me. I was a slow, slow, slow learner. I was quite impaired when I got here.

I never took a thirty-day chip. I never took any chips. I didn’t take a cake for a year s– uh, worth of sobriety until I was three years sober. I didn’t say a word till I was two and a half.

And as a result of that, when you guys are at these meetings, and those of you that got up in that first year and stood up and said, “Yeah, I got– That’s my amount of time, and I’m here,” I have tremendous respect for that. Tremendous respect for standing up and going, “Yeah, this is me, and I’m here.” It’s an– I couldn’t do it. And I, I, I love watching– I have more respect for a thirty-day chip than I do for the sixteen-year cake I took last November.

More. Because, I mean, for me, it’s gotten– Because I’ve, I’ve got the groove going in here. You know what I mean? If I’m willing to avail myself of the tools I’ve been using on a daily basis for this time, I can get through all kinds of stuff with minimum of wreckage.

Guy comes walking in the doors, h-he– I mean, m– y-you know, I, I do understand the spiritual significance of one day at a time, just turn it over, keep coming back, those things. There’s tremendous weight and validity and power to those things for me now. But I’ve been given a lot of time to, to slowly incorporate those things into my life, to read about them, to talk about them, to, to, to, to fi– and to finally experience those things in my life.

Somebody’s walking in new doesn’t know what those things are. You’re living in a state of grace walking through that door. You’re just– You– It’s so scary out there that you’re in here, and that’s pretty much the reason. You know, until you can stay long enough to finally get some of these tools working in your life.

So it’s from– I mean, to be in that first thirty days is a remarkable state of being, and I respect it immensely. It’s funny, I wasn’t waiting for you to clap, just the screen went blank for a second. That’s all that happened up there.

So anyway, I went to this first meeting, and this guy blew my mind, and he gave me something that I had not had for years when I came here. Um, he talked openly and honestly about his feelings as a man, and I was incredibly impressed with that. I had never heard anybody do that with the kind of grace and dignity that he did it with. And then he s– And then it was like he looked right at me and he said, “And I don’t care whether you like what I got to say or not.

If you don’t like it, go to another meeting.” And I loved that. And I did, man, ’cause it was like, “I’m not selling you this thing. I’m sharing it with you, and if you want it, cool, it’s yours. Take whatever you like of it.

It’s for free. And y-you don’t like it? Go to another meeting, man. You’ll hear somebody you can identify with.” And I thought, “This is very cool, and I’m coming back.” And I came here hopeless.

I had no hope left. I had no life of any kind. And I left thinking, “Maybe. Maybe.” And I don’t– I can’t imagine anything you could give an alcoholic that’s greater than that.

You know what I mean? Than to give– than, than to have the pilot light just kind of pop up just a little bit more. So I cried all the way home and got my hour of sleep and got up and You know, and people were telling me you need to get a sponsor. And I said, “Okay, what’s a sponsor?” And they said, “A sponsor is somebody who’s got what you want.” Hear that all the time, you know?

And I remember thinking, “You know, I think it’s a little early to be throwing the ball back in my court, you know?” And to this, you know, “So maybe you ought to pick one for me. I don’t, you know, I’m– ’cause, you know, what I want is to drink.” And I looked around for a sponsor and, and this woman said to me, “Have you ever heard of this guy by the name of Donald Madden?” Which was real creepy because I had met him a year and a half before I got sober at a business meeting that he had shown up for. And during the course of that meeting, he had, he had been working with these people with his film company for six and a half years and had been do– had been doing so anonymously.

They had no idea he was a member of AA for six and a half years. And he broke his anonymity with those people that night to tell me that there was a program called Alcoholics Anonymous, and if I didn’t get there soon, I was gonna die, and gave me his card. And I was shocked and impressed and thought it a little dramatic, but And who keeps a business card when you’re out there in it, you know what I mean? You say, “Thanks for the card,” you know.

And this woman says to me, of all the people in Alcoholics Anonymous, mentions that man’s name to me, the f-first and only name mentioned to me in terms of sponsorship. And I thought, “This is weird. I’m going home.” And I went home, and I went, and I went and got my phone book, my ratty old phone book, and I turned to the M page, and there was one business card paper-clipped to the page, and it was Donald Madden’s card. I thought, “This is getting spookier by the minute.” And I just said, “I’m calling.” And I called him up, and he answered the phone as only he could, “Donald Madden.” And I said, “Hi, Donald.

My name is Earl Hightower. You probably don’t remember me.” And he said, “Oh, yes, I do.” Oh, great. And I said, “Well, I’ve been going to meetings, and they tell me I’m supposed to get a sponsor, and I wonder if I could come talk.” And he said, “Be in my office at nine AM.” Click. And I went there, and I asked him to be my sponsor, and he was my sponsor, and I talked to him every single day.

And I did everything that that man told me to do for the next fourteen years, right up until the day he died. And that man saved my life. He was as fine an example of Alcoholics Anonymous as there ever was ’cause Donald Madden didn’t tell you to do something.

He showed you how to do it. He said, “Go pick up a newcomer and bring him to a meeting,” and you’d go pick this guy up, and you’d take him to the meeting, and there’d Donald be with another newcomer setting up the meeting, yelling at me, “You’re late!” And no one went to kick me in the ass, and no one went to love me and throw his arms around me and give me a hug. I was with him longer than I was with my parents.

I left home when I was twelve. I was with him for for– almost fourteen years. And, I mean, he– I have a higher power in my life because of the, the grace and the dignity of that man and his willingness to share his higher power with me and his friendship and his concern. He was so far beyond the call of duty of a sponsor.

It’s absolutely remarkable. He used to do things like, he gave me the coffee commitment at a Friday night meeting. Not commitment– I, I mean a cleanup commitment. And the cleanup commitment started at ten fifteen.

The meeting ended at ten, and you started cleaning up at ten fifteen. And I would show up about six twenty with the coffee guys because I didn’t have anywhere else to go. And I was so scared that somebody– ’cause I’d never been violent in AA. I had, I had been peaceful ’cause they told me we don’t do that here.

And I was just really working on not being so scared that I attacked people. And I would get there at six twenty, scared to death somebody was gonna say, “What the hell are you doing here? Your commitment doesn’t start for four hours.” And I’d have to hit them ’cause I didn’t have an answer. I couldn’t admit I don’t have anywhere to go, you know?

And I walked into the back of that meeting at six twenty PM on a Friday night, Ohio Street meeting. And, uh, walked in there, I’m scared to death. And Donald Madden walked up to the podium with a microphone, and he said, “Earl, you’re late.” But you see what he did? See what he did?

He knew who I was, and he knew how I felt, and he knew how scared I was. And he let everybody else in that room that was working there with a commitment know that he had expected me to be there, and that was the reason I was there. So now I had a reason to be there. He did that so many times.

I was standing in the back of that same meeting one night just caving in on myself. I mean, I was just in the back of the room just caving in. Main speaker’s up wailing away, you know, and I’m down there just, “No good. I’m never gonna be any good.

It’s never gonna work. I can’t do this.” “I’m going crazy. I’m never– I can’t do this another day. It’s just, I’m, you know, I’m just, the pain’s too, I’m, you know,” blah, blah, blah.

And he saw me back there just caving in. He got up, walked up to the dais, excused the speaker, interrupted the speaker. The speaker stepped aside. He walked up to the microphone.

He went, “Earl.” And I’m in the back of the room, and I just Whoa. And of course, I haven’t talked to a soul, you know? And so everybody in the meeting’s going, “Who the hell’s Earl?” And they’re looking around. And he looked at me, he said, “We’re having a meeting.” And I went, “Right.

Right. Okay.” And then he stepped down, and the speaker came back up, having no idea what had just happened and went on with his talk. And he did that stuff all the time. I mean, he saved my life.

He was Alcoholics Anonymous to me for a long time. He was the only person on the face of the earth I trusted for the first two and a half years I was there, until he pointed across the room one day and said, “You know, I sponsor that gentleman over there. His name is Christopher. You two are very much alike.

Go talk to him.” It’s like, “Fine,” you know. We went, “Hi, I’m Earl.” “Hi, I’m Christopher.” We’re both standing there thinking, “What the hell am I talking to this guy for?” You know? And somehow we managed to find a way to become friends, and we’ve been the best– We’ve been like brothers ever since. It’s been about fifteen years.

And, uh, talked to him on the phone today. Told him about the remark– the, the miraculous day I had today. And I had to share it with him ‘Cause it just wasn’t enough to just have it.

I had to tell Christopher about it. And, uh, and I stayed here, and I did everything that you told me to do. Everything. Kicking and screaming and complaining the whole way, but doing it.

Doing it. It ain’t what you know around here, it’s what you do. It ain’t about knowing it, it’s what you, what you gonna do with it. It’s a…

I was told it’s a program of action, which mean… And I mean, my current sponsor used to tell me, “If, if you sit in a closet and turn your will and your life… If you turn your will and your life over to the care of God and sit in a closet, what you get is coat hangers.” Promise, never promised me any– uh, did promise me one thing. They never said, “You’re gonna, you’re gonna get sober and you’re gonna get rich.

You’re gonna get sober and you’re gonna find her. You’re gonna get sober and you’re gonna ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba,” the stuff that flies through my head. “You’re gonna get r– uh, stay, you stay sober and do the things in Alcoholics Anonymous that are suggested to me,” if I do those things, what I get is I get to stay in the game. I get to be in the game, and I get to take it as it comes, man.

I get to do life on life’s terms, and I get to participate as fully and completely as I want to. So I stayed in here, and I did everything he said to do, and I, I, I got up to six and a half years, and I was seven to nine meetings a week. Talked to my sponsor every day. Taking out two panels, one to the juvenile hall, the beginning of the disease.

One to the county hospital, the end of the disease. Got to see that every month, right? Doing that stuff. Going to my meetings.

Sponsoring guys. Speaking when I was asked. Having commitments at meetings. Never turning down a, a request.

They started asking me to speak at these kind of deals, and I was about five years, five, at meetings, I was about five years sober. And about eight years sober, they started asking me to fly places. And as you know, I mean, as a result of the plane crash, I’m absolutely terrified of flying. Terrified.

And I said, “Do I need to do this?” And he said, “We go to any lengths, brother.” And I said, “Okay.” And I would get on airplanes scared out of my mind, and I would fly places. And I would do it the… I wouldn’t sleep Thursday night.

I’d fly Friday. I’d speak Saturday. I wouldn’t sleep Saturday night. I’d fly Sunday.

I’d be a wreck Sunday night. I’d get up Monday, and I’d go back to work. Nuts. “How are you?” “Fine.” “You have a good weekend?” “Yeah.” “Where were you?” “Iowa.

Idaho. Kansas.” I mean, just all these places. “Where, where, where were you?” “Biloxi.” “Where the hell’s Biloxi?” “Mississippi.” They say it different there. Biloxi, Mississippi.

Going to all these places, and I’m speaking, and, and I’m meeting people, and in my… I mean, I’m getting okay. And then they say, um… I said, “You know what?” My friend Christopher called me up and says, “You know what?

I found something amazing.” I said, “What is it?” He said, “It’s this blue book they have.” “It’s remarkable.” I said, “Let’s check it out.” Went in the book. Remarkable thing. The big book.

Little circle with a triangle in it. Ancient spiritual symbol. Been around for thousands of years. Mind, body, and spirit brought together as a whole human being.

Therein lies the balance I’ve sought as a man my whole life, and never had, drunk or sober. Alcoholics Anonymous adopted that symbol. Unity, recovery, and service. It’s the same thing.

Unity is the body. I bring it here. I can’t get sober, but we can. I can’t do it by myself.

I tried. Never could. I gotta be with my fellows. I gotta see it across the room from me.

I gotta look in your eyes, and I gotta have you looking in mine ’cause nobody understands my eyes like you do. I could sit there, and you come up to me, I can lie with the best of them. You walk up and say, “How you doing, Earl?” I say, “Great.” My people go, “Yeah, come on.” “What’s up?” And they call me on it. They, “Nope, come on out, Earl.

Come on out, Earl. You got… Be real. Be out here with us.” And they drag me on out, and we go to meetings, and I get things in my life that I never knew were available to a human being ’cause I’d never had ’em.

I’d seen them on your face. I’d seen you talk about ’em, but I’d never felt ’em. I’d never experienced them before, and I’m an experiential kind of guy. I mean, that’s like Joseph Campbell talks about.

He says, “I don’t want,” you know, he… Great, great mind. Joseph Campbell said, “I don’t want to understand my life. I want to experience it.” That’s me, man.

I want to experience it. That hasn’t changed. I’m still after the buzz. Bring me the biggest buzz you got.

And I’m telling you, if you’re new and you’re thinking, “Oh, man, the party’s over.” Guess again. Buckle your seatbelts, kids, ’cause it gets real interesting out there sober. I didn’t know how cosmic it could get to be standing where you’re standing, doing what you’re doing with the people you’re doing it with right now in this moment, how intense and remarkable that feeling could become.

That you could call upon that at any moment. Like my new sponsor says, trying to get between these, just get between those. If you can get in there, it’s right now. Right now.

Just right now. You got enough money right now? Just right now. Got, you got enough food?

You got enough air right now? Just right now. Not talking about… Just now.

Only now. Now. And become– and this is– n-now is what I avoided at all costs, ’cause that’s way too real for me. Now, to get comfortable in that, amazing to me.

Amazing. But Unity was the body, and I bring it in here, now. The recovery is of the mind. I gotta work those steps.

That’s the m-greater aspect of my disease, so that I can stay right here right now without the obsession of that disease trying to get me back, get me back, get me back. Doing that euphoric recall. Calling back, “Remember what good…

Remember that feeling. Remember that. Remember that. Remember that.” Yeah, I remember that, but I also remember that and that and that and that- -that went right along with it.

So I gotta do that recovery of the mind and work the 12 steps. That’s the whole point of it, to relieve me of the obsession to drink. Step one is what’s the problem? Can’t figure, can’t get a s-good solution unless I know what the problem is.

Problem, my problem is lack of power I’m powerless over this thing. My whole life’s unmanageable as a result of it. If lack of power is my problem, what’s my solution? Step two.

Great, that could I come to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity, soundness of mind, relieve me of the obsession to drink? Yeah, I’ll go with that. Now notice I haven’t even got off the couch yet. Is that point the problem?

Yep. Two, solution? Gonna have to be. Well, you better make a decision to do something about it.

All right, what do you want me to do? Step three, get down on your knees, say the third step prayer, means to the best of your ability, and get back up on the couch. So I did. Then they told me, which I think is a humor in the book, they said, “We hope you were serious about that.” Well, now you tell me, right?

‘Cause they said, “You know, this is all for naught unless you embark upon immediate program of, uh, uh, the action plan, four through nine.” It’s just me, God, and you, and there’s nobody else to play with. Four and five is me, six and seven is God, and eight and nine is you. So I did a thorough inventory in four. I read it before God to another human being in five.

Six and seven, hooked it back up with God. Eight and nine, lot of conversation in the book about it, hooked it back up with you. Went out, left the house for the first time. Said, “I’m very, very sorry.

Here’s your money,” and went back in the house. And they said, “Okay, now, Earl, we’re gonna let you loose, but we’re gonna let you loose with these last three steps, ten, eleven, and twelve,” which is, again, me, God, and you. Ten, me. And they say, “Now, Earl, we want you to continue to take personal inventory, and when you’re wrong, promptly admit it, ’cause we know you’ll wait several months and develop a resentment at the person who actually helped you.” You

know? And you’ll poison and you’ll fester and you’ll die. So promptly admit it. A- and, Earl, we want you to continue to work on your relationship with God.

It’s an action step for you. We want you to seek through prayer and meditation to improve your conscious contact with God. Well, what do I pray for? Knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry that out.

Why do I meditate? To quiet the mind so that when the answers come, you can hear them. Be still. I don’t know anything about being still.

Be still. Meditation has been a tremendous, valuable asset in my life, particularly over the last year. And the 12 steps, the third side of the triangle, having had a spiritual awakening as the result of the steps, the whole point of it, I practice these principles and carry the message. I can be of service to my fellow man, something that never even occurred to me before I got here.

Never even occurred to me because I was self-centered and afraid. So now things have to begin for me with how can I help? Not ’cause I’m a good guy, but because I wanna stay sober. So I did that stuff, and it changed my life.

It changed my life. I mean, couple of years ago, there was an 18-month period that started, and during that 18-month period, you know that list of the top 10 most stressful things you can go through? I did seven of them. I got divorced.

Um, my sponsor died. Um, I was a pallbearer at seven funerals. Couple of people were murdered. I mean, you know, I got sick and almost died.

I moved. You know, um, a business went south, and I began a new career. I mean, it was just, you know, I was so stressed out. I didn’t know what to do.

And I remember the day I cracked. I mean, it was like, it was just one thing after another. It was horrendous. And I’d had it, frankly, and I looked up at God with my fists up, and it was like, just about to say, “Okay, make your point.” “Just make the point, and we’ll all move

on ’cause this is ridiculous.” And as I’m going to be defiant one more time, you know, you just, it’s the bitch of enlightenment. Once you know better, you’re stuck with it. And as I’m going up, I know I can’t go up, and I just hit my knees, and I just said, “F- okay. Just tell me what to do.

Tell me what to do.” And the phone rang. And I picked up the phone, and there was this guy who’s, and this guy in the program called me and said, “Oh, so and so,” and I said, “Hi, how are you?” You know, “You’re c–” And I was about to say, “You know, you’re calling at a really bad time.” And he said, “Listen, I’ve been thinking about asking you to sponsor me for the last couple of years, and I’ve been really, really afraid to do so. But I’m just calling you now and asking you if you’ll sponsor me.” And I said, “Yeah, come over tomorrow night, and we’ll start.” And I hung up the phone and went,

“All right, I get it.” Just keep doing what you’re supposed to be doing. Keep it simple. Just stick with the basics. Stick with the basics.

And you know what? I made it out of the, the depression, and I made it out of the madness, and I made it out of the insanity, and I had no wreckage. I had no wreckage ’cause I had some tools to use in my life to get on through, to get on through. January, my life turned around completely again.

I’ve had a great year. Great year. It’s been stressful, a lot of work, a lot of travel, a lot of this, a lot of that, a lot of that, a lot of joy, a lot of peace, a lot of meditation, a lot of opportunities to be of service and carry the message, a lot of opportunities to demonstrate for myself and my life that I have a purpose in life, and I didn’t have one when I got here, a lot of opportunities to experience the fact that I have a sense of community, I have a sense

of family, I’m loving and being loved, that that old promise I made on a mountain in Mexico is over. It’s over. I’ve moved into a new way of living and a new life because I’m a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. The amazing– You wanna know what my life is like?

Let me tell you what happened today. I’ll just do today. I don’t need any more than today to show you it’s amazing being in here, and the buzz is available. I’m, I’m in Chicago working.

They send me the plane ticket to come here. My work takes me from Chicago to Massachusetts to Connecticut back to LA. Now I’m in LA, and I got a ticket leaving from Chicago. I call up the airline and say, “Any problem?

I’ll just have them FedEx me the ticket. I’ll leave from LA to go to Monterey and then back and into Chicago.” And they said, “Nope. If you don’t start the ticket in Chicago, the ticket’s no good.” Beautiful. I’m tired.

I’m stressed. I’m thinking, “This is really going well.” So what are you gonna do? So I’ve worked it out, this traveling, so I get in the truck, and I drive up here seven hours, and I get here last night, and I’m grumbling and thinking, “This is great. Okay, what’s this gonna cost me?

Got four hundred bucks, five hundred bucks to go to a conference. I don’t need to spend four.” And I just, “I’m tired. I should stay home. Just the hell with it.

I’ll call them. I’m not going. Nah.” And then I hear Donald Madden, “Just get in the car.” So I drive up to the thing and just to see what happens. So I drive up here, and I’m still kinda grumbling and, you know.

It’s not the committee’s fault. It’s nobody’s fault. Nobody did anything wrong. This is on me.

I’m, wasn’t where I was supposed to be. I was just gonna have to eat this one. So I get up here, call this lady up here that arranged for the tickets. She gets me a ticket.

I got, it cost me, you know, the Get a ticket to Chicago, so I gotta drive, leave here at 3:00 in the morning tonight and drive back to Los Angeles and get on a plane and fly to Chicago. I’m thinking, “What the hell?” You know, and, and I get up to– And I go last night and hear Dr. Paul and Max speak, and I’m thinking, “Okay, well, that makes up for the drive up ’cause that’s worth seven hours in a car.” To hear the two of those two talk. So I’m just about to br– I’m just about to break even, but I’m not getting even on this thing ’cause I won’t let it go.

I’ve been chewing on this for a couple days. I’m tired, I’m cranky. It’s like, come on. You know, I’m getting childlike about this.

I get up today, and I’m kinda shuffling around, you know what I mean? And, and Patrick took one look at me, and he knew just I’m leaving him alone. You just let him sleep, right? So I get up and I’m shuffling around.

I go, “I gotta go get my ticket, Carmel. I gotta get in the car again.” So I drive down to Carmel today around noon. I meet the lady. Not her fault, and she’s very nice to me.

And I thought, “You know what? This is a beautiful day. It’s a beautiful day, and I gotta let go of this. I gotta let go of this and have this day ’cause it’s a nice day.” I’m full of Max and Paul, right?

Everybody’s been so nice to me. Miriam has been so nice to me, keeping track of me, making sure I get up here. I mean, e-everybody’s been so nice, you know? And I just let them be nice and let it be nice and let it– let’s have some fun.

And I got it all off of me, and I’m just– And I say, “Any place to eat around here?” She goes, “Yeah, a little fish place over here. Grab a nice piece of fish.” I said, “Beautiful.” So I’m walking around. I’m in Carmel all of a sudden now. What the hell am I doing in Carmel?

I think it’s nice. Who knew I’d end up in Carmel? And I’m walking around, and I don’t know anybody, and there’s this little jazz station right down in the deal. There’s a guy sitting in the window on the air playing a little Miles Davis.

I’m right in that groove. All right? And he’s got the old-fashioned mic with little call letters on it. I’m standing watching this going, “This is cool,” right?

And I’m hanging out, and I’m watching this guy. Now, flashback ten years ago. Ten years ago, when AA first said, “Get on a plane and go somewhere,” right? I was so terrified to fly, so terrified to fly.

Didn’t know how I was gonna do it. And I used to carry a cassette player with me with headphones, and I would sit in the plane, long time ago, would sit in the plane, and I would play this one album that this man, his s– He just sings and play, and he was a very famous artist, and, and I would listen to his music. And he played it.

He covered a song that, that was my song to my little sister, You Are, You Are So Beautiful. And he would play this, and I would turn it up full blast, and I couldn’t hear the engines of the plane. And I would take off, and I would know whatever happened, it was gonna be okay because this man sang to me, and it was just, it was, I knew I had a God, and I knew I could f– I felt so identified with this guy.

The way he sang, I knew there was inside him something that was inside me, and I just, it was just perfect for me. Ten years later, I’m in Carmel standing in front of this little– Today, this afternoon, standing in front of this little, little jazz shop. This guy walks up to me and says, “Who, who are you?” And I said, uh, “My name’s Earl Hightower.” And he gets tears in his eyes, and he throws his arms around me, and he says, “You know, I’m two and a half years sober, and I heard you speak in the San Fernando Valley one time.

And I’ve been listening to your tape a lot, and I just love you, and you helped me a lot.” And I went, “Wow, man, that’s really nice,” he said. And I said, “What’s your name?” And he said, “My name’s Kenny.” And I looked at him, and it was the guy who sang on that tape- Wow … ten years ago that I used to listen to. And here he is standing in front of me telling me that I helped him, and I got burst into tears and grabbed him and said, “I gotta tell you how much you helped me.” And we got to sit and commiserate and exchange phone

numbers and talk to each other and share our experience, strength, and hope with each other and talk about things like trust and humility and dignity as a man and stuff like that, that guys like he and I nev- never knew existed. We’re hanging in Carmel talking it up, and we go in the station and introducing this guy, and he brings out his guitar he’s been playing for thirty years, hands it to me, and I’m sitting playing, Kenny on his guitar, and we’re talking about sobriety.

He says, “I gotta do a little radio thing on the thing, but let’s hook up when you’re back in LA.” And I said, “Thank you, brother,” and we hug, exchanged numbers. And I’m, I’m walking through the mall, and the radio station is playing. And I hear Kenny say, “I just want to put a shout-out there to my buddy Earl Hightower, uh, that I just saw outside for the first time, and it was a good thing.” And I just smiled, and I went, “You know what? If I wasn’t sober, if I wasn’t putting one foot in front of the other, if I wasn’t walking through doors just ’cause they opened up, I’d have never got a chance to thank that man for all he did for me

in my life.” I’d have missed the buzz. I’d have missed that ten-year circle coming around and just clicking like that. And if you don’t think there’s a high on that, stick around. ‘Cause they happen all the time in here.

If you guys are new, if for you guys that are new, don’t worry about finding the magic. Just do the footwork. If you do the footwork, the magic will happen.

It’ll just happen. It’s the nature of being alive and being in the moment and being on the planet with the rest of us. This crowd, they’re all sitting upright, looking forward, pretending they’re paying attention and acting like they got all the faculties about them. You know what I mean?

But let me tell you something, it ain’t like that. The whole world, the whole world run– They all b– Everybody’s a big party animal. Everybody’s a crazy man, right. You know, they, the whole world runs up to the cliff, and they all just go “The cliff,” and they jump back.

This room is filled with the people that ran up to the cliff and never even slowed down, man, just jumped. That’s who’s in here. Don’t look at their clothes. Don’t look at their cars.

It’s all the stuff we look at to size up. Don’t ask them what they do for a living. I mean, we are so funny how we try to get to know somebody. “Well, what do you do?” Like that’s gonna tell you anything, who that person is.

Don’t look at the cars and the, the woman on his arm or the guy on her arm or, or, or the cars or the houses or the money or any, or the rings or the bejeweled boogie that goes on. Don’t look at that. Look in their eyes.

Look in their eyes and see what’s going on. There’s a, there’s worlds within worlds within worlds here. It’s a mystical journey, man. And if you stay here and just do the one thing in front of you, you only got two things to do, contrary action on the inside and contrary action on the outside.

Outside stuff is you go to meetings, and you get involved, and the opportunities to be of service that abound in meetings. Commitments, picking up newcomers, asking somebody else how they are, and when they answer you, listen to them. Just doing those little things in here. Get a cleanup commitment.

Get a coffee commitment. Get a greeting commitment. Help pick up chairs at the end. If you’re afraid to talk to anybody about it, just do it.

Don’t even tell them. Just get, when it’s time to pick up the chairs, just start picking them up, and you’re in. You’re in. That’s the outside stuff.

On the inside stuff, all you gotta do is work the 12 steps as they’re outlined in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. You do that, you can’t help but change. You can’t help but change. And amazing things will come to pass for you, just as they have for thousands and thousands and thousands of others.

It’s an amazing process, and I am, I am privileged to be a part of it and to– And I’m so grateful to be a member of Alcoholics Anonymous ’cause, um, I’m having a really good time being with you. Peace.