What the hell was that? Um, thank you very much, uh, for having me here. My name’s Earl. I’m an alcoholic.

Hi, Earl. Hi. Uh, it is indeed an honor to be here, um, at an event such as this. Um, the esteemed nature of this gathering, uh, is known far and wide.

Um- Actually, that’s true. And, uh, and, and I am honored to be here. I was supposed to be here last year, but I was having heart attacks or something. I don’t know what I was doing.

Couldn’t make it. And this year, I gotta tell you, it was like payback already, right? You know, for not… I, I should’ve just said, you know, “I’m, I’m, I’ll be, I’ll…” Then I’m gonna have a heart attack on my way to Nashville.

Because this year, I get on the… My dog wakes me. I got, I got two dogs. Dogs are great for people.

It’s just unconditional love sitting right there. And, uh, Lulu woke me up this morning at 4:30 and just said, “I know it’s not light, but get up.” So we got up, packed, went to LAX. LAX on a Friday morning is this nightmare. Get up, then they tell us the plane’s not coming.

No, wait, it’s coming, but it’ll be late. So the plane finally showed up. We get in the plane. We start flying here.

And those that know my story, I, I was in a plane crash in 1974. I was the only member of my family to survive the crash. My mother, my father, and my sister all died, and I, uh, I didn’t. Well, I did, actually.

I got tagged dead in Mexico, but woke up and, uh- Much to the surprise of all the people standing around me They already tagged me dead. They weren’t bothering with me anymore. And, um, so flying for me is, uh, not the first thing on my list of things to do.

You know what I mean? Not a big flying fan. You, you, you know Scott, right? Loves the flying.

Complete other end of the spectrum, Earl. No, thank you. So we’re flying out here, and I hear the words that I always love to hear, um, from the pilot. “Ladies, uh, I’m gonna have to ask the, uh, flight attendants to strap into their seats, please.” “Suspending service.” I always love to hear that.

Right? Whatever I’ve been reading has immediately been erased from my brain- -from the jolt of adrenaline that shoots through my body And I go right to fight or flight, you know? And oddly enough, on an airplane, nobody to fight, nowhere to run.

So you just kinda sit in your own juices, just… Read the same paragraph 300 times. And then they said, “There’s little pockets of weather between where we currently are and Nashville, so we will be flying around those.” I thought, “Good plan.” Or Baltimore.

Let’s go to Baltimore. You know, I know I can call Scott. “I’m in Baltimore. Don’t ask.” So I land, then I find out that there have been tornadoes touching down, so now I have no, I have absolutely no respect for the people

in the cockpits of American Airlines ’cause they just lie right to your face. Tornadoes. What? Anyway, here.

Glad to be here. And, uh, I love Alcoholics Anonymous, and that is something I never in a million years I w- I thought would ever come out of my mouth. Um, I start…

I didn’t, I did not start drinking until I was 12 years old. I waited as long as I possibly could. I had been restless, irritable, and discontented for some time. And, uh, um, I had been shipped off to boarding school.

I was five feet tall, 104 pounds, um, 12 years old. My father decided it was time for me to become a man because manhood was just right around the corner for me. And, so I got thrown in a car and driven off to boarding school and dropped off, and I got out of the car, and nobody else got out of the car. My father got out, set a bag down next to me, shook my hand, said, “This’ll make a man out of you,” got in the car and drove off.

I was like, “Huh?” And what would happen over the next four and a half years is that I’d be given an opportunity for a wonderful education, wonderful education, um, tells me he gets that to this very day. The fact was is that I was getting a good education. The feeling was is that I’d just been thrown away by the people who knew me best, and I didn’t know why.

Launched out into the world 12 years old, no tools for living. What 12-year-old has tools for living? You get up when they say, “Get up.” You go to school. They ask you questions.

You answer them. You go home. You learn some more stuff. You go back the next day.

They ask you more questions. You answer them. You go back. You know, it’s just real simple, real straightforward.

And I, uh, I was good at that. So I end up in this boarding school, and it turns out I’m the youngest in a school of 250 boys. They’d scoured the Earth to find 250 of the brightest, most disturbed young men they could possibly find. It’s like Lord of the Flies in this joint.

And I’m the youngest and the smallest kid in the whole school. I’ve got an IQ of 168. I don’t have it anymore, so I’m not bragging. And, um- It’s just a bad situation.

It’s a very bad situation. Uh, meet a guy named Tiny. Every high school’s got a guy named Tiny. He’s, like, 6’4″, 240.

Plays guard on the football team. Actually, Tiny found me. And he saw me, he said, “How you doing, punk?” And he slapped me in the back of the head and sent me and my books flying. And I had this, like, out-of-body experience where you’re watching yourself do something while your head is saying, “I don’t think this is a good idea.” And that was me walking up and hitting Tiny as hard as

I could. So I walked up and popped Tiny one, which had no effect on Tiny whatsoever. And Tiny looked down at me and said, “You got a lot of guts, kid.” And then he beat the crap out of me right on the spot. And as I’m taking the beating, I’m thinking, “This is going pretty good.” You know?

Because I’m actually terrified of this guy, right? But he had said, “You got a lot of guts.” My violence had masked my fear. So my first tool for living was, when frightened, attack. No one will know you’re afraid if you just attack, right?

So I go back to my dorm room, and I’m sitting there waiting for the bleeding to stop, thinking my life sucks. And, uh, word spreads across this campus like wildfire, “Watch out for this little Hightower kid. He attacked Tiny,” right? And I go– So now I got this reputation as this little wild man, which has absolutely nothing to do with who I am.

Nothing. I’m a frightened child. That’s what I am, right? But now I’m, you know, “Ooh, gotta watch out for the Hightower kid.

He’s a maniac,” right? So the cool guys came around. This guy named Matt stuck his head in my dorm room, and he said, uh, “Hey, you wanna smoke a joint?” And I said, “Yes, I do.” And I didn’t even know what he was talking about.

All I heard was, “Do you wanna hook up with us?” And I felt like I was alone in the universe. And the answer was, “Yeah.” He could’ve said, “Listen, we’re gonna go kill the Spanish teacher. You wanna come?” I’d have said, “Yeah, I’m with you. I’m taking Latin,” you know?

So we pick up, uh, uh… We swing by and we pick up Steve. And Steve had a Tupperware container full of cheap red wine. That no grapes involved red wine, you know what I mean?

The cheap stuff, the fortified stuff, right? The Mad Dog. And we, uh, we went behind, uh, the dorm, and it’s two 13-year-olds and a 12-year-old. Three children standing behind a dorm room by a tree.

And Matt lights the joint, takes a hit, and hands it to me, and I take this, pull off this thing, and burns my lungs. And I, “Whoa,” you know? “That sucks.” And then the wine comes around. I take a big pull on this wine.

It rolls down into my stomach and, you know, those vapors kinda come back up over you and I went, “Whoa,” right? And I’m thinking, “I don’t get it,” right? People are attacking me, family’s throwing me away. I’m standing here with these two idiots doing this stuff that burns my…

Uh, uh, it happened. That thing that makes me bodily and mentally different from my fellows occurred. Suddenly I’m comfortable standing where I’m standing, doing what I’m doing with the people I’m doing it with. Never felt like that before in my life.

Just, just, just that giant cosmic right? And I don’t know, is it the pot? Is it the wine? Is it the fact that I’m standing here with my two very close personal friends, Matt and Steve?

I don’t know and I don’t care, man. I never… My whole attitude and outlook upon life changed Right? I mean, there was an ease, a comfort, an ease, a contentedness that came with that that was absolutely remarkable to me.

Right here, I’m good for the first time. I’m not trying to get out of right here right now. I’m g- I’m okay, you know? And, you know, I, I thought I…

Nobody died. Nobody went to jail that night. No blood was drawn. Nobody went to the nuthouse.

All those things were gonna happen, but they didn’t happen right there, right then. So my experience was, in that moment, feel better than I’ve ever felt before in my life. Nothing bad happens. I’m in.

I am in. I need to find out where to get more of all of this. So it was humble beginnings. A little pot and a little wine, you know what I mean?

And I’m on a mission, man, on a daily basis. You know, pretty, you know, pretty… That’s thir- 12 years old. Thirteen pills.

Only reason I took a pill was a guy came up to me and said, “Would you like a, a pill?” I said, “Well, yes, I would.” So I took two pills. You know, 20 minutes later, I’m laying on the floor, and I’m very happy down there. Guy rolls by and says, “How you doing, man?” I said, “Uh,” what do you call that? It was more like, “Aah.” But he understood.

And he said, “Well, that’s Tuinal.” So I got strung out on Tuinal, Placidyl, Seconal, all that junk, right? Fourteen was psychedelics. I’m a child of the ’60s. We were very, very focused on the drugs.

Now, the fact is, the only thing that was on the table every single day was alcohol. That’s why I identify as an alcoholic, and I’ll get into that. But, uh, um, 14 was pills. And when we started…

Took a psychedelic once as I was, I don’t know, 10 hour past a girl named Debbie. Bad girl, Debbie. She was a bad girl. I had nothing but respect for Debbie.

And an older woman, she was 15 and a half And Debbie said, “Would you like to drop some acid?” And I said, “Yes, I would, Debbie.” Again, having no idea what we’re talking about. And I say that ’cause I don’t want you to get the impression that I had a plan here. I had no plan.

I had no plan. This was just coming at me, and I was rolling with it the best I could. So I took three hits of white lightning. Eee.

Yeah, a little identification right over there. That guy’s face went, “Oh, mm, no.” “No, that’s not right. That’s definitely not right.” And you’re correct, that was not right. Two…

Uh, 650 hits later, I got classified legally insane by the military, but that’s a whole other story. Fifteen, I started shooting dope. The only reason I did that was a girl in Marina del Rey on a boat, named Cammie. Lovely girl.

Said, “Would you like me to stick this in your body?” And I said, “Well, of course I would, Cammie.” And she did, and it was one of those where you just go . And on the way down, I’m thinking, “If I’m not dead, I am doing this again.” Right? ‘Cause that was just instant, what problems? Just…

Developed a little problem in that area. Now, talking about the drugs, child of the ’60s, the drugs, you know, you know, they come and go. My drug of choice is what do you got? It’s all anti-hero medication.

If I can get enough of what you got in my body, the fear, I can kill the fear, and that’s what I’m doing here, is I’m trying… It’s the fear killer for me. That’s what it’s about. The drugs would come and go.

There was only one thing that was on the table every single day. It’s alcohol. Alcohol was on the table every single day, and I believe the reason for that, that’s my opinion, is that drugs are completely unreliable. There’s no quality control going on out there.

You don’t know what you got till you get it in your body. You go get yourself a fifth of Jack Daniels, you go get yourself a quart of good gin, you know what you got here. This is reliable stuff. So you do so much cocaine, you can’t get your mouth open anymore.

You know? And it’s like 7:00 o’clock and the party just started, and you’ve completely overshot the mark one more time. You suck a little Jack through your teeth, it’ll loosen you right up, and you can go on with the party. That stuff’s reliable.

The acid a little too spooky? Don’t worry about it. Jack’ll ease you back into comfort zone. See, my…

I like heroin. I like barbiturates. I love alcohol, down and out. My idea of a good night’s sitting around checking my pulse.

I don’t need a, I don’t need a television. I don’t need a woman. I don’t need a window. You know what I mean?

Just right in here. That’s it. I like that. Heart and lungs working, nothing else going on.

I like it there. I like it there ’cause it’s shut it all down. But if you don’t have any of those, I’ll take a great big bag of the cocaine, please. If we can’t go down, let’s go up, you know?

I’m happy driving the freeways, decoding license plates. Let’s go. Sure, man, I’m with you. Because, because the point is, it’s not about up or down.

It’s about I gotta get out of right here right now, ’cause right here, right now, I’m s- I’m self-centered and I’m afraid. I’m comparing my insides to your outsides, and I’m losing every time. I’m just so uncomfortable. I can’t get all right with Earl.

I, I’m so afraid of you, I can’t get anywhere near you. I’m, I’m a f- I mean, I’m 12, 13, 14, 15, 16 years old, and I’m already so damaged. I mean, at 16 years old, the guy called me an alcoholic. 16 and a half years old, he says, “Boy, you’re an alcoholic.” And my response was basically, “What’s your point?” “This is what I do to get out of the house.” “The

only reason we’re having a conversation is ’cause I got a few belts in me. If you wanna call this alcoholism, fine, call it alcoholism, but that’s not gonna stop me from doing it.” I have, I learned in my, in my life that there’s a big difference between knowing you’re an alcoholic and becoming willing to do something about it. For me, it was about a 12-year separation between those two things of daily drinking.

Uh, so humble beginning, 15, you know, 16, started going to mental institutions. Always a pleasant little kinda, you know, rest stop along the alcoholic path, you know? Where you’re, uh, they lock you up because they’ve, they’ve taken a look at you and said, “He’s crazy. We have no idea what to do with him.” And back then, they didn’t know what a 16-year-old alcoholic drug…

They just threw me in the nuthouse, right? So, uh, I tried to escape, as any self-respecting alcoholic would do. Would… You can’t leave.

Really? All right. I’m sure I’ll abide by that. So I’m doing that, you know, three cups of pills a day and a shot if you act out, so my treatment plan is basically just find a new way to act out every day so I can get the shot, right?

And, uh, I’m having my meals. There’s this girl named Kildare in the joint. Kildare’s really crazy. And Kildare oh, man.

Kildare, all you had to do to flip Kildare out was look at her and say, “Hi, Kildare. How you doing?” Kildare just, wow. So every meal you would, like, get your little meal, you know what I mean, and spook Kildare, you know? And every, every meal was like dinner and a show, you know what I mean?

It’s not too hard. So I used her as a diversion for my big escape plan, right? So I got up, Kildare all flipped out, and sent her flying off that way, and I’m sitting at the table. I’m like, “Ready, ready, ready, go.” You know?

And I’m hauling ass. That’s all I got right there. Which was shocking to me. ‘Cause you know, you’re in there shuffling around, getting ready to make your move, you know, and then you go, “Go,” and there it is.

That’s it. You got slow and stopped. It’s called Thorazine. Ugh.

You hear over the nurses station, over the loudspeaker system, uh, “Uh, Ed, you wanna get Earl? He’s trying to make a break for the door.” Ed’s in there having a sandwich, going, “Yeah, I’ll get him in a minute. He ain’t going anywhere.” That’s a demoralizing moment, man. I gotta tell you.

You just, eventually you’re just like, “Ugh.” Shuffle on back to my room with no doorknob, you know? Talked my way out of there, got thrown in the nuthouse again. Learned if you wanna get out, you gotta get out before they got the Thorazine in you. So escaped the first day.

Spent three years out on the street doing what we do to stay drunk on a daily basis. Just staying drunk. My– I, I had no plan. I had no nothing.

I was just loose. Um, through a series of weird circumstances, I ended up in business college. Very weird story. Ended up in business college and, uh, became a drug dealer.

The only reason I became a drug dealer is ’cause it was the only thing I knew anything about. And I had no problem becoming one ’cause I had no morals, I had no ethics, I had no sense of family, I had no sense of community. I was just loose. And this is what I was doing, so I figured I’ll just make a business out of it.

And I’m in business college and I’m studying marketing and production and distribution. My business is booming. I think college is great, ’cause that means my business is flying, right? And it’s getting worse and worse and worse, and we’ve gone from fun to fun with problems.

I’m starting to black out. I’m starting to overdose. I’m starting to take ambulance rides to hospitals. I’m starting to not remember what I’ve done for several days in a row.

I’m coming to in different cities, which is a strange thing. Particularly the first time. You know, you do it– the tenth time you do it, you just kinda go, “Oh. Did it again,” you know?

Take me to the airport. That’s just what you do. But, I mean, it was just– it was starting to really, really start to unravel, and I was, uh, 20 years old. Uh, 21 I got diagnosed with malignant cancer.

Flew me back to LA. They did major surgery on my upper back. They prepared me to die. They prepared my family for me to die.

And I remember looking at them and thinking, “You don’t even know who you’re talking to.” You know, the way I’m using, that comes up like twice a week. You know, just overdosing and going to hospitals. And I really believe that for a lot of us– I was never what, what classically suicidal. I was never suicidal.

I was, however, the kind of alcoholic that for me, dying became an acceptable consequence of the way that I was drinking and using. It wasn’t my goal, but if– I wasn’t gonna dial it back just to avoid that. You know what I mean?

So r- started hitting the wall pretty regularly. Did the cancer thing, did the nuclear medicine routine. Um, beat the cancer thing. I’m a long-term cancer survivor.

Um, 22, just before I turned 22, my mother said, “Look, we haven’t been anywhere as a family in, in 10 years. We gotta put this family back together. We’ll go anywhere you wanna go. We’ve gotta go as a family.” And I said, “Fine.” Flew back to LA, and on my 22nd birthday, we, uh, flew to Guadalajara on the way there.

That was when the plane crashed, and, uh, mother, father, sister died in front of me, and I didn’t. And I, uh… It was a bad time down there, man. Three and a half days getting inter-interrogated through a, an interpreter by the Federales wanting to know what I was doing back in Mexico.

Uh, got smuggled out by some friends. Ended up in a hospital in Santa Monica. Spent a long time in there rehabbing. Got strong

On Demerol in there. Got out and, uh, knew I was a dead man. Knew I had no tools for living, accepted the fact that what I d- I am is a, an alcoholic. I drink and I use.

That’s what I do. It’s all I’m ever gonna do. I’ve got pictures in my head I know I can’t live with. I gotta get so wrecked to deaden the pictures and the pain, the psychic madness that was going on with me.

I knew I wasn’t gonna last long, and I was fine with it. And I went on my last run, and it lasted for six years. And I gotta tell you, during that s- I’m not the kinda guy that had any anchors. I didn’t have anchors.

I didn’t have a career to hold it together for. I didn’t have a family to hold it together for. I didn’t have a wife or a girlfriend or children. I just had other lost souls my- like myself that would flow in and out of my life, like we do.

And, um, so I had no anchors to keep me touched down to earth. And, uh, I got sober in that six years four different times. They were for 72 hours each, and that’s when I’d go to Hol- into Hollywood and there, in California, and there’s a, be a bootleg sanitarium in there where you could give them 150 cash and they’d strap you to a gurney, shoot you full of anticonvulsants, and just let you rock.

And 72 hours later, they’d either send you home or the morgue, and they didn’t really care which way you went. And, uh, you’d kick like a dog. And I, and the last time I was in there was 1978, and I was on that table, strapped down, kicking hard. And, um, I reintroduced myself to the God I had forsaken on that mountain in Mexico in 1974, four years earlier.

And I said, “Look, you know, you get me out of this sane and alive, and I’ll never, ever drink or use again as long as I live.” And I meant it with every fiber of my being. I can’t take the madness. I can’t take the pain of this kinda life anymore. I haven’t gotten high in years.

I’m just feeding the beast, man. It’s all I do is feed the beast. I wake up, and I move through this world, and I feed the beast ’cause I, I, I, I don’t have anything else to do. There’s nothing else that calls to me.

I’m a slave to the beast of alcoholism, and that’s all I do. I don’t get high. I do my best to get to zero b- and just try to enjoy the absence of pain for a few hours before I go into the inevitable blackout, and then whatever happens, happens. And it’s just getting crazier and crazier and crazier, and I’m in hospitals, and I’m, uh, it just…

And, uh, I’m laying on that gurney in 1978, and I said, “You get me out of this sane and alive, I’ll never drink or use again as long as I live.” I’m an alcoholic. I’m a drug addict. I admit it to my innermost self. Just get me out, you know?

Help. Help. And I got up off that gurney and, uh, nurse said, “Now, Earl, you know you’re an alcoholic, don’t you?” And I said, “Yeah.” She said, “You know you’re a drug addict, don’t you?” I said, “Yes, ma’am.” She said, “You know for you to drink or use is absolute madness, don’t you?” I said, “Yeah.” She goes, “All right now, Earl.

Armed with this self-knowledge, I want you to be a good boy, and I want you to go out there, and don’t you drink or use, no matter what.” And I said, “No, ma’am.” And I went outside that door, and I drank for two more years. I couldn’t stop. Couldn’t stop. Came out of my last blackout, it was the day before my nay– my 28th birthday, N- November 6th, 1980.

Both my hands were broken. I’d broken 74 bones. I had over 650 stitches in me. Been stabbed twice, shot at.

Family’s dead. Watched them all die. No friends, no family, no place to live. Um, heart’s swollen.

Thyroid’s shut down. Can’t touch the kidneys. Liver’s cooked. Um, they’re deci- my hands are broken.

They’re deciding to ch- whether or not to charge me with attempted murder. And I c- and I have what they call in here a moment of clarity. I mean, my li- I looked around. There was no place in my life I could look and say, “Well, we’re doing pretty good over here.” You know?

“Let’s just focus on this for a while.” It was just a wasteland. And I realized, the m- the, the moment… My– The late, great Donald Madden used to say to me, “Earl, the bottom for guys like you is dead.” And I believe him. My experience says that’s the truth.

My bottom is of a spiritual and emotional nature. When I had the moment of clarity, it was, “Brother, you’re not connected to another human being on the face of the earth, and that’s a direct result of your actions, your alcoholism. And if you don’t find another way to live, you’re gonna die.” ‘Cause in the last few years for me, it was drinking. That’s it.

I wasn’t wasting time with drugs. Only reason, I’d use maybe three, four grams of cocaine a day just to keep me on my feet so I could drink long enough to try to get some peace, right? That was all that was for. It was just to prop me up.

Um, and I spent 47 days on a free bed. Actually, it wasn’t a bed. It was a cot. Went to this place, Long Beach General Hospital, under the care of a Dr.

Vicki Fox on a free cot. It was a room about half the size of this with 21 cots down each side of the room with sheets drawn between them. And how you got your cot was you got in it, and you stayed in it. That’s how you kept your cot.

And I was there for 47 days. And I came out of there, and I knew one thing ’cause they told me. They said, “We’re gonna keep it simple for you, pal. If you don’t go to Alcoholics Anonymous, you’re gonna die.” And I said, “Okay.” And they gave me a bottle full of Antabuse ’cause we all

trusted my judgment . And they rolled me off up into town, and I ended up in the basement of a church on a Friday night, 8:30 PM, an AA meeting. Walked in the back, out of my mind. Hair out like this, beard like this, eyes darting around in my head.

Psychotic, man, and I don’t use the term loosely. I could not distinguish between the true and the false. I was nuts. And I sat in the back at Alcoholics Anonymous for one reason: I had no place else to go.

If you guys had said, “Earl, AA meetings are from noon to midnight, and you gotta go to one every day,” I would’ve had no scheduling conflicts. I didn’t get here with a day runner. You know what I mean? Not me, man.

Just nothing, nothing going on. And my head ready to just explode. And I, uh, I, I sat in the back of the room, and I’ll tell you what the inside of my… Yeah, I’ll tell you what.

I hadn’t had a drink in 47 days, but I was riddled with the greater aspect of my disease, the obsession of the mind. My alcoholism was in full effect, man. And I sat in the back of the room using an old friend of mine, my best thinking. And I sat in the back and did what I do.

I sit in the back and I go, “Where are the doors and the windows?” Right? Get that all squared away. Sit with your back up against the wall, scan the room, find the guys that got the juice, find the guys that know what’s going on, slide up on one of those guys, burglarize that conversation, find out what the deal is in here, and then out.

Not hanging out with you ’cause you’re gonna come up… Not ’cause I’m a tough guy or a bad guy. I’ve never been a tough guy or a bad guy. I’m a frightened individual, and I have been extremely violent in my life as a direct result of self-centered fear.

That’s the chief activator of all my defects of character. That self-centered fear. So I’m sitting in the back mad dogging everybody. I mean, I’m looking at you like, “What, what?” “What do you want?” “‘Cause I don’t want you to come up ’cause you’re gonna come up and ask me questions

I don’t have the answers to. It’s not that you’re gonna get hurt, it’s that I’m gonna get hurt. I’m gonna get found out. You’re gonna come over here and we’re gonna chat,” something I never really understood, the chitchat.

We’re gonna chitchat. What are we doing? We’re chitchatting. All right.

Why are we doing that? Why aren’t we getting high now? I don’t wanna talk to you. But they come up and ask you the hard questions like, “How you doing?” “What’s going on?” “I don’t know.” “What’s

up?” “Don’t know. Don’t know. I don’t know what’s up.” Have no answers to anything. I’m dead in the water.

Sitting in the back. Do not talk to me, please. Guy comes sliding… And, and the old-timers saw me and they didn’t, they didn’t get near me.

They just said, “Get yourself a coffee, have a seat, man. Glad you’re here.” Right? And then we looked at each other and went, “Oof.” That’s, that’s actually… There’s a woman in AA in, in my town that saw me come into my very first meeting.

She’s still sober. Got like 38 years now. And she, uh… I do…

I’ll take guys I sponsor up to her and I go, “Tell him what I was like.” She doesn’t use words. She just goes, “Oh.” It’s just, it’s still painful for her to think back on it. What a wreck. Ugh.

And I’m sitting in the back and every… But every meeting’s got that guy with nine months who just caught fire with AA and he’s gonna give it away tonight, right? And that, that guy saw me and he just went, “New guy.” And he’s coming. And I’m like, “Mm.

Nope. Mm.” And he’s not seeing having it, right? He just right up on me and he said, “My name’s Vegas. I’m an alcoholic.” Vegas Narbutas was his name.

Vegas N. And Vegas came up and said, “I’m Ara… I- I’m Vegas, I’m an alcoholic.” And I said, “So what? Me too, man.

Ain’t exactly the highlight of my life.” “Don’t know what you’re so happy about. Get away from me.” And he looked right at me and he said, “Keep coming back.” Oh. And I went, “What?” And there’s a couple guys standing over there going, “Hey, did you see that? Vegas, the new guy, told him to keep coming back.

Very cool.” I’m thinking, “What the hell’s going on here?” Okay, apparently there’s some deep spiritual significance to keep coming back. I have no idea what it is. But apparently all of you do. Loving AA so far.

You all know what’s going on. I don’t. I’ve been spotted as the loser in the room. Love AA.

Thank you. Having a great time. And I’m sure tonight when I’m pacing in my little one-room apartment, right, trying to get tired enough to have my one hour of sleep I’m getting these days, I’m sure that keep coming back thing’s gonna come in real handy.

And then sat back down. Didn’t leave. Had nowhere to go. And a guy got up and he shared his experience, strength, and hope, and changed my life.

He doesn’t know that, but he changed my life. Unbelievable thing. Unbelievable thing. I even got to find out later on what Vegas meant.

Keep coming back. You know what? If you’re new and we do that to you, go up to you with the AA slogans, you’re new, your head… eyes are still spinning around in your head.

You know what I mean? Can’t hold a thought, can’t remember anybody’s name, don’t even remember really how you got here. And we come up to you and say, “Hey, keep coming back, man,” or, “You know, one day at a time,” or my favorite, “Hey, just turn it over, pal.” Yeah. Right?

If they do that to you, just step… I hope you have more courage than I did and just step up to the plate and say, “Excuse me. I don’t really understand the deep spiritual significance of just turn it over. Would you mind expanding on that for me a little bit?” Where I got sober, if they’re honest, about 75% of them would say, “Well, I don’t know what it means either.” “They

just said it to me when I came in. I’m just saying it to you. I don’t know what the hell it is.” “Hey, there’s a guy over there that reads the big book. Let’s talk to him.

Maybe he knows.” Just a little opinion of mine. So, and I sat in the back and this, uh, and this guy shared his experience, strength, and hope, and he blew my mind ’cause he talked with a grace and a dignity that I could not put together with the words that he was saying. They didn’t go together in my world.

Men didn’t talk openly and honestly about those things, and they certainly didn’t do it with the grace and the obvious self-respect that this guy had. They just didn’t do it. And it was… But you know what?

S- interesting thing about us, you tell us the truth, whether we like it or not, we can hear it. And that guy told the truth, man. And what he talked about was he talked about how he’d wake up in the morning with his head just chewing on him. Wake up in the morning, just open his eyes and his head would say, “We’re glad you’re up.

We’ve been talking for several hours and we got a few things we wanna go over with you.” First of all, you’re a completely worthless human being, and there’s absolutely no point in you getting out of the bed. So just lay back and listen while we tell you the other things we have to say. I mean, and that was like…

And I’m sitting back there going, “Yeah.” “I know that conversation.” It’s very unfriendly, and it’s in there. And he said he’d just wake up, and he’d get up with this head chewing on him. He’d take a shower, get dressed, go to work, give an honest day’s work for an honest day’s pay, go get something to eat, pick up a newcomer. What’s that?

And then he would take him to an AA meeting, and he wouldn’t go to an AA meeting to take from the meeting. He had worked the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, as outlined in the Big Book. He had had a spiritual awakening as the result of working the steps. He’d had the obsession of the mind relieved.

He was a– He was comfortable sober. He was a free man, and he was now going back to AA to give freely of what w- had been given freely to him. And he would go home and get in bed at the end of the day, two most remarkable words I’d ever heard in my life, “No wreckage.” Head chewing on him the whole way, no wreckage. He had a whole, full, complete day.

I’m sitting there thinking, “Well, you know what? W- if I wake up, wreckage.” “I just can’t help it ’cause I wake up, and I’m afraid. And you’re– you keep coming up to me and talking.” “And it’s just all very disconcerting and freaks me out.” “And I start saying things that offend people and trying to get you away from me, and it just goes bad all the time.” And

I gotta j- uh, I won’t get into that. Anyway, I haven’t s- I haven’t cursed, have I? No. Nice.

All right. Just, was just patting myself on the back there for a second. So- … I went home and paced and got an hour’s sleep and got up and came back to another AA meeting and came back to another AA meeting and came back to another AA meeting, and I got some information

along the way. Slowly, it’s like water over a rock. I’m the rock, and AA is the water. Water over a rock.

The water wins. The water always wins if the rock sits still. And that’s what happened to me. You know, I’d be sitting in a meeting and, you know, I’m five years sober, and a guy gets up to read a portion of chapter five and says, “Rarely have we seen a person

fail who has thoroughly followed our path.” And I look at the guy next to me and go, “Hey, that’s pretty good.” ‘Cause I’m a little compartmentalized. I’m a little shook up, you know. I’m two and a half years sober.

I’ve been going to Ohio Street in West LA Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights for two and a half years. And there’s a, a painting right behind the podium that’s about two feet by four feet in size, and it’s the Serenity Prayer. I’d been going there four nights a week for two and a half years, and I looked up and went, “Hey, now that’s quite a little prayer, isn’t it?” Called up my sponsor and my sp- and I said, “Donald, I found a…

I’m, I’m praying now. I found a great prayer.” He said, “What is it?” I said, “It’s the Serenity Prayer.” He said, “No.” I said, “What do you mean? It’s like the shortest one I could find.” And he said, “There’s way too much going on in there. You’re gonna screw that up completely.” “You want some prayers?

I’ll give you some prayers.” I said, “Fine. What are they?” He goes, “When you wake up in the morning, before your feet hit the floor, I want you to put your little hands up like this, I want you to look up at, up, and I want you to say, ‘Whatever.'” I, of course, said, “Should I be writing this down?” And he said, “At the end of the day, when you’re all done and you go into the back into your little one-room deal you got going over there, you get in the little bed on the floor, and you pull the covers up, and you put your hands up, and you say, ‘Enough.'” “You

go to bed.” And I went, “This is fantastic.” “Thank you.” So like, you know, so for several days, I’m waking up in the morning, “Whatever. Ah, that’s good.” You know? And I go and I happen doing the thing, you know what I mean? Get in the bed at night, “Enough.

This is excellent. I’m having a…” One day, it’s like nine AM, and I’m done. I got up, and I said, “Whatever,” and it went sideways. By nine AM, I’m ready to kill myself and several other people.

Call up Donald, who always answered the phone, “Donald Madden.” Donald was early. He goes, “What is it?” I said, “I’m doomed.” He said, “We’ve known that since we met you. What’s the problem?” An uplifting fellow. And I said, “I’m at, I’m at the wall, man.

I’m at the wall. I can’t go another step.” He goes, “I got the answer.” I said, “Good, ’cause you’re the only guy I’m calling.” And he said, “Take a deep breath.” He said, “Now say enough.” I said, “Enough.” He said, “Take another deep breath.” He said, “All right, now say whatever.” And I went, “You can do that?” He goes, “Earl, Earl, stop looking at the clock, man. At times, an abstract idea.

Don’t get lost in that. You’ll fall into a wormhole and want to go.” “Just, just don’t get into the time thing. It’s an illusion, right? If you need to stop your day, take a deep breath, and start your day over and release, let go of what’s happened up to that point, by all means, go ahead.” And I’m thinking to myself, “Well, if I do this, I’ll

be at, like, whatever, for July 5th, 2040, within a week.” He’ll just use them all up, right? And he said, “No, no, you get as many as you want. You get as many as you need. They’re free.

Just use them up.” And I’m like, “Wow.” And I had, like, a little mini spiritual experience that this was about somehow, some way, this apparently was about getting between those. It’s about now. That this was about now.

I was gonna be given the tools in a way for a guy like me, a completely fragmented, fractured, destroyed human being with no connection to life and the living of it, or no connection to other human beings. I was going to be given the tools that would make it possible for me to live right here, right now, in this moment, in this life. And I didn’t e– I didn’t know what that meant, but it sent a chill through me that I thought…

And I, and I really started getting busy. And I found out that that’s exactly what happens around here because that’s what drinking and using robbed me of. It robbed me of my life one second at a time. It removed me.

It disconnected me from God. It disconnected me from my fellows, and it removed me from any sense of true self. It took it all away. I was absolutely unavailable for every given moment of my life, and I was gonna get it back if I did what A- Alcoholics Anonymous told me.

And they also told me rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. I mean, I’d heard all the terrible numbers and the terrible numbers and the terrible numbers, but I heard that. Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. And I decided I gotta get about the business of finding out what thoroughly means, and I gotta go find the guys.

I gotta stop looking at the outside ’cause they keep saying it’s an inside job, and I gotta go find the guys that got the light in their eyes, the light that comes from within. The guys that are– when they’re looking at you and they’re with you, those guys that you just kinda feel yourself just go because that guy’s right here. And when you walk up on him and look him in the eyes to talk to him, and you’re scattered, and you’re talking, and you know what’s going on, and you’re thinking maybe this and maybe this, and I don’t know. And then you look him in the eye and you go, “Oh, what do you think?” He says, “Well, my experience, Earl, is,” and you feel yourself just go ’cause

you’re safe. Suddenly, inexplicably, you’re safe ’cause you’re in the company of a, of a recovering alcoholic. You’re in the company of somebody who’s caught the big buzz, somebody who’s really in the game, right? And those are the ones…

I mean, there was a guy named Fred Ellis. I used to… At Thursday night Brentwood. I didn’t know why, but I would– at the end of the meeting, every Thursday night, I would go, and there would be his guys.

He would stand up by the podium and talk to, and I would stand right back over there behind him, and I would just stand as close as I could get to him without being noticed and listen to him talk to his boys because that calmed me down. Listening to Fred talk calmed me down. I thought, “Wow, you know, I don’t know why.

I don’t care why. It’s working. I wanna be around that.” And then one day, after several weeks of this, all of a sudden, Fred just turned around real slow with a big smile on his face, and he leaned over, and he went, “Hi, Earl.” And I just froze.

Just, you know, like I, like I’d just been caught with my hand in the cookie jar , you know? Just you know, and I wanna say, “I wasn’t there. I didn’t do it.” Just throw something over the wall going to run, you know?

And I said, “Hi, Fred. I’m Earl.” And he goes, “Yeah, I know. I just said your name.” I went, “Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.” He goes, “I’ve seen you around.” I said, “Yeah, yeah, I’ve been listening to you.” You know? And he said, “It’s all right.” I said, “Really?” He said, “Yeah.” I said, “Okay.” I said, “So I’ll be around, I’ll be right back over here next Thursday.” And he said, “Okay.” So he wa– next Thursday, he’s standing talking to his guys, and I slid up behind him and stood there and

listened knowing that Fred knew I was there. Very different. Connected. Not connected before, connected now.

And these guys taught me it’s real, real simple. See, there’s this mind, body, and spirit brought together as a whole human being, this triangle with a circle. Therein lies the balance I’ve sought my whole life and never had, drunk or sober. And Alcoholics Anonymous adopted that symbol, and it’s unity, service, and recovery.

Same thing. Unity is the body. I bring it here. I can’t get sober on my own, but we seem to be able to.

First word in the steps is we, that we’re in this together. I have to be with my fellows. I have to ha– ’cause I can lie to them all day long, and they don’t bat an eye. They think it’s all just charming.

You know? But y– I walk in to you and you say, “How you doing?” I say, “Fine.” You go, “Yeah, come on.” You haul me off. And c– I need that. I need that shared experience.

I need the guy that knows. I need the guy who sat in the same seat. I need him. Thank God that’s why we have meetings.

The point of having a meeting is to have a place where a newcomer can come and hear a message of hope and a message of recovery. And that’s what I got when I came into Alcoholics Anonymous. So unity is the body. I bring it here.

Recovery is of the mind. I gotta work the 12 steps because the 12 steps are designed to relieve me of the greater aspect of my illness, the obsession of the mind. That’s what they’re for, so that I can walk the earth a free man. Work the 12 steps as outlined in the Big Book.

It’s amazing to me that there’s so many people around here just like me, that when given a Big Book, say, “Yeah, this is Alcoholics Anonymous, and this is the fellowship. This right here, this is the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. Rarely have we seen a person fail who has followed this path.

And here’s the good news. We’re only gonna give you one book. And I got even better news. You don’t even have to read the whole thing.

Read the doctor’s opinion, the first 164 pages, and it’ll blow the top of your head off. Designed for s-specifically for you, my drunken friend.” Right? And they hand it to me and I go, “Well, that’s really nice.” Thinking to myself, “I got a big blue coaster.” It’s amazing.

The persistence is astonishing. Persistence of this illusion, this belief in a lie, that I can drink like a normal man is astonishing. They don’t say mildly entertaining. They say astonishing.

Many of us pursue it to the gates of insanity and death. Not, you know, we do this for a while and go to the hospital and then the carnival. No. Insanity and death.

Right? It doesn’t go well. And we got this book, right? And this really, really simple process, not easy, but simple, that can relieve me of the obsession of the mind, cause me to break free, become a free man, no longer a slave to alcohol and drugs.

So I said, “All right. Unity is the body. I’ll bring it here.” I come into the meetings. They s– what do I do in a meeting?

Get a sponsor. What’s a sponsor for? A sponsor is a guy that guides me through that process. He’s the guy who’s got what I want.

I don’t, see I don’t get a sponsor for w– uh, that’s got what I want. I get a sponsor who’s got what he wants. It’s a much better definition of happiness. So I get a sponsor who’s got what he wants, happy, walking the earth a free man.

How’d you get that? Work 12 steps as outlined in the book. Can you show me how to do it? That’s why I’m here.

Excellent. Let’s get started. Jump in. Work the 12 steps.

Pretty simple. Step one, what’s the problem? Lack of power is my dilemma. I may be capable in, uh, a lot of other areas, but when it comes to drinking, out of control.

Powerless. Can’t tell you when I, how I’m, when, how much I’m gonna drink when I start or when I’m gonna stop. Can’t tell you. Having had it…

Right? Step one, that’s my problem. If that’s my problem, lack of power, what’s my solution? Step two, a power greater than myself which could restore me to sanity, soundness of mind, relieve me of the obsession to drink.

Good idea. Now notice, I haven’t got off the couch yet. Sitting in the house going, “Yep, yep, that’s got it. That’s the problem all right.” And that is clearly the solution to it ’cause I’ve tried everything else.

Gonna have to be something outside me. Step three says I better make a decision to do something about this information. I get down on my knees, say the third step prayer, turn my will and my life over to the care of a god I may or may not believe in. It’s not n- It’s not…

What I love in this is that my approval is not required- … for this to be successful. It’s not required. I, I, I have so many guys I’ve sponsored said, “This is stupid.” Thank you for sharing that.

Get on your knees. Here, I’ll get down there with you. I feel silly. You’re not silly.

You’re stupid. Read this. Why are you being mean to me? Why are you making it so easy?

This will all go a lot quicker and a lot easier if you just be quiet. All right. It’s like I remember with Donald, with me, how he was with me. He kicked my ass when I needed it, gave me a hug when I needed it, told me he loved me when I needed it, told me I was an idiot when I needed it.

I remember sitting around after meeting coffee, and I’m gonna… They’re talking, and I think I have something to offer to this conversation. And I said, “You know, I have a thought on this.” And Donald went, “Ah, uh, no.” “No, no, Earl. We’ve seen the results of your best thinking.

We’re gonna pass on that, all right?” I remember thinking, “That is really rude.” Fair, but rude. So get on my knees, get back up, and immediately embar- embark upon a plan of action, or this is all just a conversation, you know? And I have conversations at the bar, that’s where I am.

So four and five is me, six and seven is God, eight and nine is you, nobody else to play with. Real simple. Real simple. Four and five, do a four-column inventory on resentment, fear, and sex.

There’s controversy around that, which I love. But maybe I’ll get into that later. But it’s a, it, but it’s a really good-natured, loving battle that goes on between me and another guy and it’s hysterical. I say there’s three inventories of four columns each.

He says, “Nope, there’s four inventories of three columns each.” Now, he doesn’t notice that you get, you got 12 columns either way. Right? But he’s fun to fight with, so I fight with him about it . Right?

But I’ll get into that. He talks about other stuff. Swallow large chunks of truth about myself in four. In five, before God to another human being, I read this stuff.

And notice I’m still in the house. I haven’t gone anywhere. Step one on the couch, step two on the couch, step three down on my knees, back up on the couch. Right, step four, guy comes in, I read it to him before God.

He says, “Good luck with all that.” He leaves. I’m still sitting on the couch. Six and seven, I hook it back up with God ’cause I, uh, uh, asking God to remove my defects of character ’cause I’ll remove the wrong stuff. That’s, you know…

Don’t, never leave it up to me, ever. Don’t leave it up to me. Greatest thing I can ever say is, “What do you think?” There’s a guy over here, the guy over here’s going, “Bad direction to be doing that.” Don’t… Don’t ask me what I think, man.

My school of thought. So, uh, eight and nine, hook it back up with you. Very, very sorry. Here’s your money.

Back in the house. And notice they let me out of the house on nine. There’s a lot of conversation in here about eight and nine ’cause they’re gonna let you out of the house for the first time. And you know how we are armed with a little bit of information, man.

We can cause a lot of problems. Hence, step 10. Continue to take personal inventory, and when I’m wrong, promptly admit it. 10, me, 11, God, 12, you.

Same stuff. Nobody else to play with. 10, continue to take personal inventory, when wrong, promptly admit it. 11, I seek God through prayer and meditation.

I pray for knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry that out, and I meditate to quiet the mind so that when the answers come, I can hear them. You know, the answers come… I’m, there’s a moral compass. There’s an understanding of actions that are beneficial to self and others, and actions that are harmful to self and others.

And if I sit quietly and listen, I know what to do. I know what to do, right? 12 is the third side of the triangle, service, the spiritual. You, m- mind, body, and spirit.

Service, having had a spiritual awakening, is the result of working these steps. Having been relieved of the obsession of the mind, free of the beast, I can practice these principles and carry the message. How can I help? Me, God, and you.

Nobody else to play with. I mean, when I was five years sober… How long have I been standing up here? About 10 minutes.

10 minutes. All right. You can please sit down. Here’s the deal.

Fiv- You can plenty of time … five years sober, I hear that there’s a thing called a conference. I’ve just been going to a meeting a day, minimum. There’s a conference, big meeting.

Yeah. Gathering of meetings. Wow. Called my sponsor up and said, “Can I go to that?” He says, “Absolutely, go.” I said, “Great.” Got in my little car, drove down there, paid my little registration.

The guy goes, “The big meeting’s not on right now.” I went, “Ah, the big meeting.” Went in. He said, “Just go in the back, quiet. Be quiet.” I said, “All right, I’ll be quiet.” And I go in and I slide in, I slide in the back and I look up, 2,500 alcoholics in one room. Blew my mind.

And there’s one guy up there talking. My first thought was, “There’s about 2,500 people in here. Who’s that guy?” They got 2,500 people to pick to talk around here, and they got that guy. Who is that guy?

Turns out his name was Franklin W., Franklin Williams from Olive Branch, Mississippi. Your neck of the woods. We’re down- Close … closer than I was this morning, I’ll tell you.

‘Cause where I live, they don’t say tornado. Earthquakes, things shake. Tornadoes, apparently, pick things up and just take them.

What the hell is that? I have no idea what that does to me. All right. Just had a little moment there.

Like tornado. What the hell was I talking about? Ah, I’m at the conference. Franklin W.’s up there.

And Franklin W. says, “I’ll sum up Alcoholics Anonymous for you in six words,” those six words being, “Trust God, clean house, and help others.” Blew the top of my head off. I had a spiritual awakening, another spiritual experience. In Alcoholics Anonymous, there are many available here for those who would like to experience them.

And because all these little things I’ve been listening to for over five years in AA all just went click. It all made sense. It was all connected. I understood.

And I’ll tell you what happened that day. There’s… In my life, there has always been the cocoon nature of self, and then there has been the other, whether it’s you or a family member or a girlf- any other human.

There’s the self and the other, and the only way I could connect at all was to somehow find a way to blur the line, the cocoon-like wall I placed between me and others, right? And I did it initially drinking and using. It would blur the line for me, and I could feel a distorted sense of connectedness.

But it was better than no connectedness at all for a guy like me. That’s why I went so deeply towards it. Alcoholics Anonymous, through service, through God, blurs the line, and I have become connected again, where I have a sense of the distance between myself and that man right there does not separate me from him.

It connects me to him, that we are connected on a very profound and fundamental wa– in a very profound and fundamental way. So I came out of that conference, and I was like, “Pff.” 16 years later, I get asked to be the Saturday night speaker at the Texas State Conference of Alcoholics Anonymous. Big deal.

No big deals in AA. Big deal. Fly out there, scared. Got my little suit and tie on.

Go into the room. Sitting right up in front about a half hour before I gotta get up. There’s a guy sitting there, a guy named Searcy. Searcy at the time, God rest his soul, you wanna talk about a, a legacy.

This guy’s got a legacy beyond presidents and kings. And I’m dead serious. I’m not exaggerating the man’s life. At the time I s- was having this conversation with Searcy, Sear– which was four years ago, Searcy was like 90 years old, been married to the same woman for 59 years, been sober

57 years at the time. Sharp as a tack. If you go to a meeting in the state of Texas, you’re gonna get a little Searcy on you because he was one of the pioneers of AA in the great state of Texas. And can you imagine the legions of people who have been– have come out of a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body because they had some place to go, because Searcy was–

went before him? And the legions of people that that guy helped, it’s just absolutely staggering. And Searcy s– I walk in the room, and Searcy sees me. He goes, “Earl, kid, come over here.

I’m telling these guys a story.” I said, “Yes, sir.” You know? S- Jesus, Searcy knows my name , you know? Go over there and talk to Searcy. I always tell them in Texas, “You gotta get Searcy like a ring or something, so he got something besides his ass to kiss.” You know?

Let’s kiss the ring . ‘Cause, I mean, the guy’s like, wow, I didn’t have any heroes when I got here. That guy was a hero of mine. The guy’s amazing, right?

Great sense of humor, sharp as a tack. He’s telling these guys a story, and he goes, “Yep, so I was sitting there. I was talking to Franklin and Bill.” And I went, “Time out. Franklin and Bill?

You mean like Franklin W., Olive Branch, Mississippi, and Bill W., like co-founder of AA, that guy?” And he said, “Yes, Earl. Now stop interrupting me. I’m trying to tell a story.” I said, “Sorry.” “I’m sitting, and I’m talking to Franklin and Bill, and Franklin says to Bill, ‘Bill Wilson- ‘… what is the heart and soul of this program that we must focus on and r- a-a-and protect for the generations that have yet to come?’

Us. And without hesitation, Bill Wilson said to Franklin W., ‘That’s easy, Franklin. Trust God, clean house, and help others.'” So 16 years later, 21 years sober, blows the top off of my head again ’cause I’m thinking, “All right. Let me see if I’ve got this.” Bill Wilson told Franklin W.

and many others to trust God, clean house, and help others. Franklin W. told me and many others, “Trust God, clean house, and help others.” And I’m telling you and many others, “Trust God, clean house, and help others.” Bill, Franklin, me, you.

Now, my way of looking at it, the power of that group dwindles as we progress . It’s like Bill, Franklin, Earl. You. But

that’s all right. You know why? ‘Cause we’re riding on the shoulders of giants. We’re riding on the shoulders of the divinely inspired.

That’s what we do. I’m walking the earth a free man. I’m no longer a slave to alcohol and drugs because I can wake up, and no matter what’s going on in my life, I can accept that all I’ve gotta do is trust God, clean house, help others. All I’ve gotta do is stand still for a second, say, “Enough,” take a deep breath, say whatover– whatever, start my day over, and move forward.

All I’ve gotta do is get out of myself and be of service to another human being. Help others. That’s all I gotta do. Trusting God, all I gotta do…

Didn’t say faith in God. I gotta trust God. The– trusting God, I gotta make a d- it’s a conscious decision to do so. I trust God, make a decision, “Okay, I’m gonna trust God,” and I go forward in my life acting as if, my approval not required here, to act as if I trust God

based on the experience that I find. I may b- uh, this may bring me to a profound and remarkable faith in a God I don’t even understand but that I see evidence of on a daily basis. That’s me. That’s my– what happens for me.

I don’t understand God. But lucky for me, not required. Does not say God couldn’t, would if he were found. Says God couldn’t, would if he were sought.

My job is to wrestle with the concept of a power greater than myself. Mine is to come to a place in my life… Now I’ve been s- I’ve been sober now 25 years, five– 25 years, five months, and a day, right? And I couldn’t stay sober for the day .

The day, that part. Forget the months and the years. Couldn’t do it. But now I walk around knowing that if a problem in my life confronts me, if confusion, disorientation, doubt, things the Buddhists call the hindrances.

If these things come upon me and I find myself at odds or in conflict with God, self, or others, I have a profound faith that tells me I need consciousness beyond my own. Because I don’t understand here. I need consciousness beyond my own to be brought into this so that there can be some honorable resolve to the situation at hand.

And what I have come to believe based on 25 years of experience is, is that it is always there. All I have to do is get out of the way. That’s my job. So I find myself a married man.

You don’t know how remarkable that is, but I do. I’m married to a woman I actually know. I walk among them out there a solid citizen. No scamming, no playing tricks, no shortcuts, solid citizen out there in the world trying to be of service, right?

I got friends that are in recovery, I got friends that aren’t. I got friends that desperately need recovery, I got friends that are remarkable examples of a path that’s so far beyond anything I could’ve imagined when I got here, it’s unbelievable. If you are new, and I understand that there are some here that are tonight, what I wanna say to you is congratulations and you are loved. Don’t know you well enough to like you.

Wouldn’t lie to you about it, but do love you dearly. Do love you dearly because we know what it takes to get a seat in this room. We know what it takes to get a seat in this room. This is a room full of dead people sitting up pretending they’re paying attention to me.

The promises are in here. They do come true, and they come true for all of us. All we have to do is chop the wood and carry the water of AA. It’s all we gotta do.

It’s that simple daily task of just… And when you’ll say, “Uh, my ass fell off.” Well, you should probably go to a meeting. Um, “I just robbed a bank.” Probably ought to go to a meeting. “My wife just left me for my sponsor.” Two meetings.

You– One foot in front of the other, man. That’s all it is. It’s not mir– It’s not magic, it’s footwork.

You walk the walk with us, we’ll be there with you. We will never ask you to do something we are not currently doing ourselves. That’s the deal. We won’t sh- tell you, we’ll show you.

We will meet you at the meeting. We will take you through the book. When you’re going through the third step with us, guess who’s going through it with you? We are.

Again and again and again, over and… Do you have any idea how many times I’ve heard a portion of chapter five? Sweet mother of God. I’ve had moments where I’ve thought, “This is why you can’t come to meetings armed.” It’s why they don’t let you bear a gun in here.

Because there’ll be the day where the guy would say, “How it works.” And it’d be me, man. It’s not pretty, but it’s real in here. I love you very much. Thank you.