I’m gonna ask Le- uh, Earl to come up at this time and, um, tell us his story. So, uh, this is– his name is Earl, and he’s from, uh, Redondo Beach, California, and I’d like to everybody give a warm round of applause and a Cajun welcome to Earl. Thank you.

Thank you, buddy. Geez. Hi, everybody. My name’s Earl.

I’m an alcoholic. Hi, Earl. Hi. Um, I wanna thank the committee for asking me to come and share.

Um, all the people that I’ve talked to over the last few months on the phone, I’ve talked to a lot of people. Evan, Yogi, Pascal, a few others, I think. Um, and I particularly wanna thank, uh, Pascal for driving me around. We– He picked me up at the airport, brought me back here.

We got up this morning and drove into, uh, New Orleans to the French Quarter. Had a blast. Um, have y’all seen that car he has? Has he told you about his car?

Well, he is no longer known as Pascal. He is known as the Roadmaster. He was flying, man. Oh.

So I drank. Yeah. Um, and it wasn’t a big deal. I mean, the only reason I drank is because, uh, I was– I, I started kind of late.

I didn’t start drinking until I was twelve. And this guy, uh, this guy came up to me and said– I’d been shipped off to boarding school. My, uh, my father, uh, they did a bunch of tests on me. I was sleepwalking and talking in my sleep and scaring my parents and bothering everybody, so they took me to a doctor and had a bunch of tests done on me, and they determined that I, uh, should

be medicated every night before I went to sleep, and that would, uh, take care of the sleepwalking. So basically, from age, like, five, I was drugged every night before I went to sleep. And I think subconsciously I got the information that if you– if things aren’t going the way you want ’em to go, take something. So I filed that for future reference, moved on through my life.

Those tests indicated that, uh, I had a very high IQ. I don’t have it anymore, so I’m not bragging. That’s long gone. I, uh, I, uh– And when I was twelve years old, my father decided it was time for me to become a man, so I got shipped off to boarding school.

And I remember being driven to this place and, um, I didn’t even know where we were going, just everybody was in the car, and we were driving somewhere, and we went to this, uh– went up, drove and drove and drove and drove and drove for hours and ended up at this place. And I got out of the car, and my father got out of the car, and he put a suitcase down next to me, and he said, “This’ll make a man out of you.” And then he got back in the car, and everybody left. And, uh, the feeling was, was that I’d just been thrown away, and I had absolutely no idea why.

I mean, it scared the hell out of me. Uh, the fact was I was being given an opportunity for a wonderful education. But, uh, I don’t deal with the facts. I deal with the feelings.

That’s just who I was from the gate. So what I felt was is that I’d been thrown away. I was terrified of everything and everybody. I was twelve years old.

I had no tools for living. Turns out I was the youngest and the smallest kid in a school of, uh, two hundred and fifty young boys, and they had scoured the Earth to find two hundred and fifty of the most disturbed young men they could find, and they put us in this school together. And I fit right in.

And, uh, I met Tiny the first week I was there. Every school’s got a guy named Tiny. He’s, like, six four, two forty, you know, plays guard on the football team. Actually, Tiny found me, and he walked up to me, and he said, “How you doing, punk?” And he slapped me in the back of the head, sent my books flying, and I had this, like, out-of-body experience, you know what I mean?

Where you, you’re watching yourself do something, but inside your head you’re saying, “You know, this is a very bad idea.” Uh, but you’re not listening to yourself. So I walked up to Tiny and hit him as hard as I could. And, uh, this had no effect on Tiny whatsoever. And he looked down at me, he said, “You know, you got a lot of guts, kid,” and then he beat the shit out of me right on the spot.

And as I took– was taking this beating, I was thinking, “This is going okay.” You know? “This is all right. I know about beatings. I know how to take a beating.” What I don’t– What was more important to me was is that I was terrified of this guy, and he had just said, “You got a lot of guts.” So what

I learned– my first tool for living: violence. Violence masks the fear. If I’m attacking you, it doesn’t occur to you how frightened I am. It occurs to you that I’m attacking you, so we go right over the fear thing.

And that’s what I wanted to do. I just didn’t want anybody to know how afraid I was. Um, so word spread around this campus in, like, thirty minutes, right? “Watch out for this little Hightower kid.

He’s a maniac. He attacked Tiny.” So now I got this reputation that has absolutely nothing to do with who I am. I’m a frightened little boy, right? Now I got this reputation as this little madman.

And, uh, so the cool guys started coming around, and Matt and Steve swung by. And Matt came up to me and he said, uh, “Do you want to smoke a joint?” And I said, “Well, yeah, I do.” And I, I mean, I had absolutely no idea what he was talking about. I didn’t know what that meant.

You know? But what, what I heard was is that, uh, “Do you want to hook up with us?” And as far as I could tell, I was alone in the universe. I needed to hook up now. And he– It wouldn’t have mattered what he said.

He could have said, “Listen, we’re gonna go kill the Spanish teacher. Do you want to come?” I’d have said, “Yeah, I’m with you.” I needed to– So I hooked up with Matt and Steve, and Steve had a Tupperware container full of cheap red wine, and Steve had this joint, and we went behind the dormitory, and, and two thirteen-year-olds and a twelve-year-old standing behind the dorm, staring at each other. And Matt fired up the joint and h-handed it to me, and I just did what he did and handed it to Steve, and Matt took a pull on the wine, and the wine came around.

I took a pull on the wine. I went around, I’m standing there staring at these two guys. They have no idea why we’re here, why we’re doing this. And, uh, all of a sudden, man, it happened.

You know, just the magic happened. It’s just that feeling went down into my shoes and came up over me, and for the first time in my life, I knew everything was gonna be all right. I was comfortable standing where I was standing, doing what I was doing with the people I was doing it with, and I had never felt that way in my life. I always knew something was terribly wrong, and that I was a big part of that.

And I, I mean, and I didn’t know what it was. I didn’t know if it’s this pot, it’s this wine. Maybe it’s my two best friends, Matt and Steve, that I guess, that I’ve known for fifteen minutes. Maybe it’s these guys that I just love dearly all of a sudden and I felt this strong connection to.

It didn’t matter. I just decided I’m gonna do what– I’m gonna do this every day no matter what. And I mean, why not? There was no big price to pay for getting high in the beginning.

There was no big price to pay. I felt more comfortable than I’d ever felt in my life. The magic was there. I got up the next morning, took a couple aspirin, and went to school.

Went to class. No price to pay. Uh, unfortunately, that changed dramatically over the next few years. So I did that.

I got, I, I drank, uh, on a daily basis for the next sixteen years, and I drank no matter what. In my neck of the woods, I’m from Los Angeles, California, and they got a thing they tell newcomers out there. This is just an opinion of mine. They tell ’em, uh, “Just don’t drink.” Me personally, I think that misses the point entirely.

Uh, to tell– If they’d have told me when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, “Earl, just don’t drink no matter what,” I’d have left. I’d have left. If it was that simple to ju– If I could just not drink no matter what, I guarantee you I wouldn’t be here tonight. What the hell for?

I’d be home having a weekend, channel surfing, going to movies, doing whatever I felt like doing. I’d be hanging out, living my life. I just wouldn’t be drinking no matter what. I’m the flip side of that coin.

I drink no matter what. Given a good reason, I don’t stop. That’s the difference between me and the problem drinker. Problem drinker, you give him a good reason, he can actually stop.

Me, I blow right by real good reasons. And I’m not talking about subtle little reasons you gotta pay close attention or you might miss it kind of reasons. I’m talking about right in your face, big as life, can’t miss it reasons, drinking is a bad idea, you shouldn’t do it. Problem drinker gets a, gets another drunk driving charge and goes before the judge, and the judge says, uh, “You know, I’m sick of seeing you, you know what I mean?

I see you one more time, you’re gonna do a year. We’re not gonna talk about it. We’re not gonna discuss it. You’re doing a year.” Problem drinker says, “I wanna go to jail,” and actually stops drinking and driving.

Me, I start wondering what it’s gonna be like in jail, ’cause I know I’m going. I’m going to jail. I said– He just told me. “Next time I see you, you’re going to jail.” “All right, Your Honor, I’ll go to jail next time.” And on and on, examples, examples,

examples. But I mean, that’s the way it was for me. Thirteen was, thirteen was pills. I got into pills, any kind of pills.

Um, the only reason I got into pills was a guy walked up and he had a couple pills in his hand. He said, “Would you like a couple of pills?” And I said, “Well, yeah. Yeah, well.” Took a couple of these pills, and twenty minutes later, I was laying on the floor, and I was very happy down there. I was just- -lay down on the floor.

I was very comfortable there. And when he went by, he walked by again, I said, “Oh, what was that?” He said, “Those are Tuinal.” I said, “All right, I gotta remember that.” So it was any kind of pills. I mean, I’d, you know, Tuinal, Seconal, Placidyl. Placidyl.

Little identification of them right over there. The last time I kicked Placidyl, I don’t think I said a word for two weeks. They’d just come into my– “How you doing, Earl?” “Ugh.” That was bad. Fourteen was psychedelics.

The only reason I did psychedelics was because, um, I was on a ten-hour pass from boot school, and I was seeing this girl, Gabby. Gabby was an older woman. She was fifteen and a half. And, uh, she said, “You want, you, you want some acid?” And I said, “Well, yeah.” And, uh, she

took out a lipstick tube and popped it open and spun the lipstick up, and there was this little tiny pill on the end of it, so I just took it off and popped it in my mouth and swallowed it. And she said, “Did you take that whole thing?” I said, “Well, of course I did.” It was a very tiny little pill, and I’m used to these horse caps. I mean, I, you know, what did she say? That’s three hits of white lightning.

Yeah. Needless to say, the next two days were real interesting. It was, uh- At some point in there, we– all I remember was we went to the market, went to the supermarket, and we were– and we decided we were married, and we were gonna go to the supermarket and get, get, you know, groceries for the house.

We’re just blazing away, little children. And we were going down the aisle, and I looked over at her, and I said, “Are we married?” She said, “Yes, we are.” I said, “Do we have children?” She said, “Yes, we do.” And I said, “Then we’re gonna need these diapers right here.” And I about, I blacked out right about there, so I don’t know really what went on from there. But about, uh, six hundred and fifty acid trips later, I got classified legally insane by the military.

That– But that’s a whole other story. Fifteen, I started shooting dope, and the only reason I did that was because, uh, this, this woman walked up to me and said, “Would you like me to stick this in your body?” And I said, “Well, yeah.” “I would.” And I didn’t want to leave, so she did, and I did this. And as I was going for the table, all I remember thinking was, “Oh, yeah.

This’ll work. I like this.” I said– I mean, if somebody had come up to me at that point in my life and said, “Can we get you anything, Earl? Do you need anything?” I’d say, “No.” “You have any dreams or hopes or aspirations? Any goals of any kind?” “Nope.” “There’s nothing at all you’d like?” I said, “Well, maybe you could send her back around here again and do that again.” That’s about, that’s about as far as I could

see. Now, I’m a child of the sixties, and I’ve been talking about drugs, and I identify as an alcoholic, and the reason is this. I’m a child of the sixties. What we were focused on was the drugs.

Our parents were the drunks, and we were carving out our own identity to break away from our parents. We weren’t gonna drink ourselves to death like they did. We were gonna kill ourselves in a whole new way. We were, we were focused on the drugs.

But I’ll tell you this, and this is in retrospect, and this is a result of my inventory work. The drugs would come and go, and we were focused on those ’cause we wanted to be hip, we wanted to be the bad boys, we wanted to terrorize our community and do all those lovely, wonderful, socially acceptable things that drug addicts and alcoholics want to do. Um, but there was only one thing that was always on that table, and that was booze.

Alcohol was the only thing that was always, every day, no matter what else was going on, booze was on the table. And I, m- and I think there’s a simple explanation for that, and that is, is that booze is extremely reliable, and drugs are not. I mean, you never know what you got till you got it in your body, and then sometimes it’s too late . It’s a little bit too much that day.

You never know what you get. I mean, there’s no quality assurance going on out there in the drug world, you know what I mean? Nobody’s testing this stuff. They’re just mixing it up, you know, bagging it up, and passing it on to me.

I mean, I never went to the cocaine connection and, and said, “You know, I’d like, uh, I’d like, um, you know, and I’d like– give me an ounce of that.” Say, “You know what? It’s really not that good today. Why don’t you come back on, let’s say, Thursday, and we’ll have something a little better for you.” Never happened. Everybody’s always got the best.

It’s the greatest. You’re gonna love it. Be careful with this. It’s, it’ll just knock your socks off, right?

That never happened. You never knew what you had until you got it in your body. You go get yourself a fifth of Jack Daniels, you know what you got. You could rely on that, and that’s why it was always there.

It was the great equalizer. It was the thing that evened everything else up. You do, you do too much acid, things get a little spooky, don’t worry about it. Little Jack will ease you back into the comfort zone.

You can carry on with the party. Jack’ll get done what needs to get done. Not enough heroin to get you through the night? Don’t worry about it.

Fifth of gin’ll get you where you need to go. That nice, quiet heart and lungs working place. There’s nothing else going on. Your heart’s beating, your lungs are working.

Nothing else happening. The gin’ll get you there. You do so much cocaine you can’t get your mouth open anymore- … don’t worry about it, man.

Just suck a little bourbon through your teeth. It’ll ease it back off, and you can go back to the party. Booze is reliable. Ugh.

So that was me. Uh, 16, I dropped out of high school. My, uh, uh, father came back in my life, said, uh, “You’ve obviously gone insane,” threw me in my first mental institution. Uh, they signed me up for three years of ob- uh, three months of observation and a year of rehabilitation.

I tried to escape from there. I failed . I mean, I mean, I was sitting having lunch with this woman. I always had lunch with the same woman in the nuthouse, name of Kilday.

She couldn’t possibly still be alive, so I’m just throwing this around, Kilday. And Kilday, uh, um, was real easy to wind up, you know what I mean? You just ask her a couple of questions, she’d just spin like a top and just… So she was fun.

Every meal was like dinner and a show, you know what I mean? You get your little tray and ask Kilday a couple of questions. She’d just snap, you know, and you’d watch Kilday flip out while you had your din- your lunch. So Kilday was gonna be my big diversion, you know what I mean?

I was gonna sit with Kilday, and I was gonna flip her out in that direction, and I was gonna blow out of there through that door. Uh, but I’d been doing the three cups of pills a day and getting the shot every day, and I, and just shuffling around this place for weeks, and I didn’t know, you know, that I didn’t, I, things weren’t as I, they appeared to be. So when I flipped Kilday out and sent her that way and everybody ran to get Kilday, I got up out of my chair to haul ass out that door, and I was moving like this. You know, and that was it, man.

That was as fast as I could go, and I’m, like, looking down, going, “What the hell’s wrong here, man? I can’t– I’m, um…” And you hear the demoralizing words from the nurse’s station. You hear, “Uh, Ed, when you got a minute, you want to grab Earley? He’s making a break for the door.” You know, and Ed’s over there having a sandwich, just going, “Yeah, yeah, I’ll get him in a minute.

It’s not a problem.” Really bad news when you’re trying to break out of the nuthouse. I learned about, you know, Thorazine Shuffle, man. Y- I learned. You want to bust out of the nuthouse, you get out before they get the Thorazine in you, or you’re leaving when they say.

So the second time I got thrown in the nuthouse, I busted out on the first day. Just did that, “Yeah, yeah, I’m here. I’m glad you got me. It’s really rough out on the street.

Hey, look at that.” Phew. You know? Hit the door. Bells are going off, whistles.

I got an intern right on my tail, chasing me across this back lawn. There’s a 12-foot chain link fence over there, and I’m moving for the fence. And at that point in my life, I’m, like, 16 and a half, 17 years old. I’m an alcoholic.

I’m a drug addict. I’m, at any moment– I’m a high school dropout. I’m, at any moment, hopefully an escaped mental patient. This is, like, my resume, you know what I mean?

This is all I have to say for myself. But I’m thinking, “If I make that fence, I don’t have a problem. I don’t have any problems if I make that fence. I’ll be loaded in 20 minutes, and that’s all that matters ’cause I drink and use no matter what.” The, the, and I, by the time I was 17 years old, man, I had so many good reasons that

said, “You know what? This isn’t working.” You’re completely alienated from your family. You don’t really have any friends. You’re, you dropped out of school.

They’re periodically chasing after you, trying to lock you up. This doesn’t add up to a, a, you know, a good start in life. It just doesn’t add up. None of that meant anything to me because the only thing that killed the fear inside me was alcohol and drugs.

That’s what I needed. I needed that stuff in my body just to even up and leave the house and be out in the world, have a conversation with another human being. I didn’t get how people did what they did. I went underground early, and I stayed there for a long time.

So I hit the streets. I spent three years out on the streets doing what you do to stay loaded, just doing whatever it, whatever it takes. By the time I was, uh, I don’t know, 19 years old, I, uh, I met this woman at a party, and we talked for 20 minutes, and it went pretty well, so we were in love.

Rosemary is a nice woman. And I said, uh, and we hooked up, and I said, “You know, I don’t really know how to do anything. I don’t know how we’re gonna make this thing work.” So I went on an interview to a, uh, a very good business college in Northern California, and I got accepted based on the interview. And I didn’t even have a high school diploma.

Now all of a sudden I got accepted to college, right? So I go to my father and I said, uh, “Listen, I got accepted to college. Don’t ask. You write me a check for the year’s tuition and I’m out of here.” And he said, “Beautiful.” Wrote the check.

So we piled all our belongings and eight pounds of hash in the back of this truck and drove to Northern California to higher learning. And we set up shop, got a little apartment up there by the railroad tracks. And, uh, I was going to college during the day. I gave them a year’s tuition right up front and said, “Transcripts are in the mail.” They said, “No problem.” I started going to college.

Uh, du- during the day, I was going to, uh, got my, uh, high school, uh, equivalency done at night, get those transcripts in, um, and became a drug dealer. You know, I didn’t know how to do anything else. I didn’t know anything about anything else. And on top of that, I had no morals.

I had no ethics. I had no honor. Um, I didn’t know anything about any of those things. I wasn’t a friend.

Um, I wasn’t a son. I wasn’t a brother. I wasn’t any of those things. I was a drug addict, alcoholic, and I started selling drugs, and I was studying marketing and production and distribution while I was going to school, and I was applying these things in my business, and business was booming, and I thought

college was great. Uh, the ne- second year up there, they diagnosed me to have malignant cancer, and they flew me back to LA. Did major surgery on my back, uh, put me in chemotherapy, told my, my parents I was gonna die, told me I was gonna die. I remember thinking, “You don’t even know who you’re talking to, man.

I mean, the way I’m using on a daily basis, that comes up like twice a week.” You know what I mean? It’s why this is not a big deal. And so they were doing the chemo thing, and I hated the chemo because, you know, it’s a ba- it’s a bad high. I didn’t like it.

So I just stopped doing the chemotherapy, and I went home and I got loaded the way I get loaded. And, uh, I beat the cancer thing. Basically, I think that my body was so toxic at that point in my life, cancer could not live in my body. It was bad.

Uh, that was twenty. By the time I was twenty-one years old, I was a junior in college. I had a high school diploma. I was a junior in college.

I was drinking and using like a maniac, um, like a maniac. I’d moved– Rosemary moved out. We moved her back to LA. She was saying things like, “I’m too high,” you know, which is not– you can’t say that.

You ca– if, if you can say it, it’s not true. If you can say, “I’m too high,” then you’re not. She obviously didn’t understand, so she– we moved her back to LA. Um, I married her later for a day.

We got married for one day. Oh, man. So, uh, anyway, um, I had a, I, um, junior in college, high school diploma, editor-in-chief of my college newspaper, got accepted to go to USC Law School, early acceptance to go to law school.

I mean, I had my ducks lined up pretty good, but I was using like a maniac. I was drinking all day, every day. And I got a call from my mother, and she said, “Listen, we haven’t been anywhere as a family in ten years. We’re going where you wanna go.

Let’s just go as a family,” crying, begging me to be a part of this family. And I said, “Uh, yeah, all right, fine.” So I flew back to LA, and, uh, we took off to fly to Guadalajara on November seventh, nineteen seventy-four, and on the way there, the plane crashed, and my mother, my father, and my little sister were all killed, and I wasn’t. And I woke up on a mountain in Mexico and-

Uh, my skull was fractured, my back was broken in three places, my leg was crushed, my arm was crushed. I had a lot of internal injuries. I was paralyzed from the waist down, and I was awake. And, uh, I laid there and I watched them all bleed to death right in front of me, and there was nothing I could do about it.

And, uh, I looked up at– The only thing I could move was my right arm, and I was banging on the ground with my right arm, and I looked up at God, and I had a little chat with God, and I said, “You know what? I’m gonna get off this goddamn mountain, and I’m gonna show everybody in the world how angry I am,” ’cause I have no interest in a God that would take a loving, kind, gentle girl like my little sister, Kimberly, and leave a lying, cheating, thieving, useless, dope fiend alcoholic like me on the planet. There’s no justice in it, and I want no part of a God that would do such a thing.

Kill my mother and my little sister and leave me. It made no sense. I knew I had no right to be on the planet. I had no right to be alive, but I was angry.

A little while later, some guys came up and scavenged the plane crash and, uh, got my wallet out and took my money and threw my wallet back on my chest and then left me up on the mountain to die. They left me there. So I had no more– I had no interest in you either. So you and God were off the list.

I had no interest in any of you. I’d never really been any good at being in the world anyway. I’d never– You know what I mean? I was always self-centered and frightened and fearful and not knowing what to do and having to be a little bit anesthetized or a lot anesthetized every day so that I could just function in the world and be around you

and act like I had a clue what was going on when I never did. So I was out of the game, and I just kept banging myself on my side with my arm ’cause it hurt so bad ’cause I was all busted up. But that kept– The pain kept pulling me up out of the shock ’cause I figured if I shocked down, I was gonna die. And quite a while later, some other guys came up, and they hauled me down, and they took me down to the Mexican Red Cross station, and they tagged my right toe, and they sat down with some cigarettes and waited for me to die,

which I wouldn’t do. And so they finally took me to the hospital, and they– Because of some other things we don’t need to get into right now, the Federales showed up right away, and, uh, and they interrogated me for three and a half days, uh, around the clock, nothing for pain. And, uh, finally, when they figured out that what they needed to do was just get me out of the country, they plastered me from the neck down and shipped me back to the States, and I spent a long time in the hospital,

uh, getting my Demerol, maximum shots of Demerol every three hours around the clock to, like, keep me out of– So I left the hospital on a cane with a brace, and they had told me I was probably gonna have a withered right– left hand, probably wouldn’t walk, and be blind in my left eye, and none of those things are true. And I worked real hard to make that happen ’cause I didn’t want to show you any weakness. I didn’t want you to know anything about me.

I didn’t want you to see anything about me that you might perceive as a weakness of mine ’cause I was an angry little alcoholic son of a bitch, and I wanted you to see that anger, and I wanted you to feel that anger. And I got out of that hospital, and I went on my last run, and it lasted for four and a half years. Um, I got a lot of money out of the plane crash, and, uh, um, I went for it.

And I had a house in Bel Air, California, big Spanish house at the end up on the hill, and a bunch of cars, and a barrel full of cash, and a basement full of booze, and another room full of drugs, and we threw a party, and man, we went for it. And, uh, it got pretty nuts. I mean, you c- you– Anything we could think up, we did.

And, uh, blackouts were the normal fare, and on and on and on and on and on and on. You know what I mean? I got war stories for days. I mean, it went from there.

It went real downhill, real fast, real hard for four and a half years. The only time I drew a sober breath in those four and a half years was I would go into this little sanitarium in Hollywood, California, and they would strap me to a table, shoot me full of anticonvulsants, and let me ride for seventy-two hours. Hundred and fifty cash on the barrelhead, and it w- this was like, wasn’t a hospital. This was just a, a little joint somebody set up.

And at the end of seventy-two hours, they either send you home or to the morgue, whichever was appropriate. And you’d– I’d come crawling out of there swearing I’ll never drink again as long as I live. I can’t take it. My ass is kicked.

I cannot do this. And they’d say to me, “You be a good boy and don’t drink anymore, Roland.” I’d say, “Yes, ma’am, I will not be drinking anymore. I can’t do it.” And they’d give me back my wallet, my car keys, and my gun, and my bottle of Valium, and I’d shake on out to the car, and I’d sit down, and I’d think, “You know what? I need to get rid of these shakes.

I can’t drive real well.” So I’d take forty, fifty milligrams of Valium. And then I’d come to in a bar somewhere two, three days later, having no idea how it happened. I’m like, I’m that guy in the book pounding on the bar. How did this happen?

How did this happen again? I did not intend to do this. And it just kept going and going and going. By the time I threw up my hands for the final time, I was, uh, I was twenty-eight years old.

I was two hundred and fifteen pounds. I had hair out like this and a beard out like this. I was yellow. I was psychotic.

I do not use the term loosely. I had broken seventy-five bones. I had over seven hundred stitches in me. I’d been stabbed twice, shot at, fighting, just a crazy person.

And I was looking for somebody to kill me, and I never– I mean, we’re pretty durable, you know? So they were missing the mark by inches on several occasions. And, uh, both my hands were broken, and I’d been in the last of hundreds of blackouts, and, uh, I had a moment of clarity. My moment of clarity was, I don’t want to die.

When it came right down to it, where there’s nothing left to do but die, I didn’t want to die. And I raised up my two busted paws, and I said, “Help.” And they took me to an emergency room, and they pumped my stomach, and they said, “Get him out of here. He’s gonna die. This guy’s pathetic.” And they took me in the ambulance to another place.

They kept me five days. I got worse. They said, “Get him out of here. He’s gonna die.” And they took me by ambulance to another place, and they kept me for twelve more days of detox and then thirty days of rehab on a free bed.

And I came out of there as crazy as I’ve ever been in my life, and I came out of there with one piece of information, and that was, if you drink again, you’re dead. And I ended up in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I did not come here because I wanted what you had. I had no idea what you had. I just knew I couldn’t live with what I had anymore.

It was over for me. I mean, when I got here, my family was dead. I had no friends. I had no place to live.

I had no money. I had a box of clothes. I had broken everything in my body. My spirit was crushed.

I did not have a relationship with another human being on the face of the earth, and I had no relationship with God. I was completely and utterly alone in the universe. I knew it, I felt it, and I didn’t know how to be any other way. I had no tools for living that worked, and that, for me, was the only way I was gonna get here.

I wasn’t gonna get here with one thing working in my life, not one thing. And all I knew was is that if you drink, you die, and Alcoholics Anonymous is where people go when they don’t want to drink and they don’t want to die. So I came, and I sat in the back with my arms folded, my best tough-guy look on my face. So if you’re sitting in the back with your arms folded with your best tough-guy look on your face and you a badass, God bless you.

Welcome. You’re in the right place. We didn’t all look like this when we got here either, you know?

And I sat in the back, and I mean, I was glaring. I was crazy mad angry. And all, you know, all the guys with time saw those subtle little signals I was sending out, you know what I mean? Which was, “Get near me, and I’ll try to kill you.” They just said– They didn’t come near me.

They just said, “Brother, the coffee’s right over there. Grab yourself a cup of coffee and a seat, and we’ll be– You know, welcome.” They did that from about 20 feet away. But every meeting’s got the new guy, you know, six, eight, nine months of sobriety. He’s just caught fire with Alcoholics Anonymous, and he’s gonna give it away tonight.

And that meeting had one, and his name was Vegas N. And Vegas saw me, and all he saw was a new guy. And he came flying across the room with his hand out and a big smile on his face, and I sat there thinking, “Oh, shit.” “Look at this, will ya? What am I gonna do with this guy?

You know, look, he’s smiling. I hate that.” “And I don’t know. I don’t have anything to say, and he’s gonna find that out, so I gotta back this guy off.” He came up to me and said, “Hi, I’m Vegas. I’m an alcoholic.” And I said, “So what?

Me too, man, and it ain’t exactly the highlight of my life. I don’t know what you’re so goddamn happy about. Get away from me.” And he looked at me, and he did that newcomer thing. You know what I mean?

He did– Oh, man, they do this in my neck of the woods. I don’t know about you people, but he g- he gave me that real knowing look, you know? And a couple guys kind of stopped right there and kind of looked, “Oh, he’s gonna do it to him.” And I looked up like, “What?” And he looked at me, and he said, “Keep coming back.” Oh, man, I was thrilled to hear that.

I said, “Great. Thank you. Let me see if I– Let me– Well, let’s review this here a minute, Vegas, all right? You’ve given me this big look like you’re about to lay this thing with g- deep spiritual significance upon me, a- and, and it’s ‘keep coming back.’ I don’t get it.

I do not see the deep spiritual significance of this, but clearly you and these bozos behind you think this is a pretty heavy statement. So am I wrong in saying that you all know what it means? I don’t. I’m the loser.

You win. I feel much better now. Thank you very much, Alcoholics Anonymous. That’s of tremendous import to me.

I won’t even think of drinking tonight. I’ll just think, ‘Well, I’ll keep coming back,’ whatever the hell that means.” I hated that. I hated it. And in that meeting, they said, you know, “One day at a time.

Keep coming back.” They said all that kind of stuff. Went over my head. Man, I had no idea what these people were talking about, why this was such a big deal. And I’ll tell you what.

If you’re new, I got a suggestion for you. The next time somebody walks up to you and says, “Hey, keep coming back,” or, “One day at a time, partner,” or my personal favorite, “Hey, just turn it over, all right?” They do that till you step up to the plate and say, “Excuse me, but I don’t understand the deep spiritual significance of that. Would you mind expanding on that for me a little bit?” Well, if they tell you, if there’s– My neck of the woods, if they tell the truth, about 80% of them would have to say, “You know what?

I don’t really know what the hell that means either, you know?” “They said it to me when I got here, and I’ve been saying it to people since I’ve been here, you know?” I said, “I don’t know, but you know, there’s a guy over there that reads the big book Alcoholics Anonymous. Why don’t we go ask him? Maybe he’ll know.” So just step up to the plate. Anyway, just an opinion.

Another alcoholic with an opinion. That’s shocking, huh? Uh, so I ended up in the back of the room, and this old-timer got up. He was 65 years old.

He was a skid row bum. He was an ex-boxer, and he was a wino. I immediately noticed those as things I am not, because I am excellent at spotting the differences between you and me immediately. I don’t look for the similarities.

Never did. I do now, but I didn’t then. And he got up, and he said those things, and I thought, “You know what? I’m none of those things.

Man, this guy’s got nothing for me.” I was very good at that. I mean, if you– I, I– Well, before I got here, man, I mean, if you’re a woman, you don’t know about me. You Black, gay, Hispanic, you come up in something else. You don’t, you don’t know about me.

You’re five years older, five years younger, you don’t know about me. You come up in another time and another thing. I spot the difference between you and me immediately. I got so good at circling those wagons as tight as I could, by the time I got to Alcoholics Anonymous, it was, “If you’re not Earl, you don’t understand me.” I just knew nobody understood me, that terminal uniqueness that

is not unique with me. Luckily, Alcoholics Anonymous has robbed me of all of that. If you’re in this room, you know all about me. You know all about me.

You know, you need– You know everything you need to know about a guy like me. So anyway, the beauty of that moment was is that if I had anywhere in the world to go, I’d have gone right then, but I didn’t have any place else to go. There was nowhere to go. What was I gonna do?

I mean, when I got to Alcoholics Anonymous, if they’d have said, “You know what? You go to a meeting a day, and our meetings are from noon to midnight. We have 12-hour meetings every day,” there’d have been no conflict in my schedule. I didn’t have a job.

I didn’t have family. I didn’t have friends. I didn’t even have a place to live. I mean, I was com- I was homeless and didn’t know it.

And he got up, and he changed my life. He got up, and he shared two things that blew my mind. He talked openly and honestly about his feelings as a man, and I had never heard anybody do that before. And I was– I got to sit back there with my arms folded, looking like I hated this whole thing, resenting the whole deal, but inside I just kind of went, “Wow.” And then it was like he looked right

at me, and he said, uh, “And I don’t care whether you like what I got to say or not. You don’t like what I got to say? Go to another meeting.” I loved that. I loved that, man, because it made it clear to me this guy’s not selling me something.

He’s sharing it with me. He’s not selling it to me. He’s sharing it with me. If I want it, I can have it.

If there’s something there I can use, take it. If not, go to another meeting, and eventually you’re gonna hear somebody else say something that you can use in your life. And that blew my mind, and I thought, “You know what? This is cool.

I’m coming back.” And something happened right there that changed my life, and what it was was I am a low-bottom, hope-to-die, dope-fiend alcoholic, and I came here a broken- Soulless, hopeless individual. And that guy shared that night, and a little light of hope went on inside me, and I had hope for the first time that I could ever remember. And I thought, “I’m gonna go back.

Maybe there’s a way a guy like me doesn’t have to go back and dance with the beast anymore. Maybe I don’t have to go back in the madness. Maybe I can stay here.” And I came back, and I kept coming back, and I’ve been coming back ev- every single day since November 6, 1980. And I’ve been– And that, that’s, um, what’s amazing about that to me is, is that I cannot stay sober.

I cannot stay sober. But we can. We can. So I hung with you like my life depended upon it because it does, and little things started to happen.

They said, “Get a sponsor.” I said, “What’s a sponsor?” You know, I never was nice or polite about anything. I didn’t ever talk to Alcoholics Anonymous. I sat in the back all the time, and I never took a chip. I never– I didn’t take a cake until I was three years sober.

I didn’t open my mouth in Alcoholics Anonymous until I was two and a half. The only thing I did was I got a sponsor, and I did everything he told me to do, and I told him everything he told me to do was a bad idea, a lousy idea, and I didn’t understand why he was making me do these things. I got a vicious sponsor. I got an absolutely remarkable sponsor, one of the greatest examples of Alcoholics Anonymous I ever met in my life.

That man saved my life because he was Alcoholics Anonymous to me. He was the only human being on the face of the earth I trusted for the first two and a half years that I was here. I didn’t trust anybody. I didn’t talk to anybody.

I talked to him, and I did what he said, and he just rebuilt me from the ground up. He taught me how to do the simplest things. He taught me– He went so far beyond what you would expect of a sponsor. It was unbelievable.

His name was Donald M., and he was my sponsor up until right be- uh, till July 25th of last year, which was the day he died. That was the hardest thing I ever experienced in my life. That beat the– I was with him longer than I was with my family. I was with him for almost fourteen years, and I left home when I was twelve.

And, uh, he told me what to do, and I did it. And I went to seven to nine meetings a week, and eventually I took out two panels a month, and I had three or four commitments every week, and I never turned down an AA request. And when I was two and a half and said I’d never speak in Alcoholics Anonymous, he said, “That’s a lovely sentiment. You’re the first speaker here next Saturday night.” He was just waiting for me to draw a line in the sand.

And every time I did, he knew it was time for me to step over it ’cause you gotta be willing to go to any length you wanna stay here. They tell you that the only requirement for membership is the desire to stop drinking. However, if you would like to stay, there are a few suggestions that are made in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. They’re just suggestions.

Nobody’s thinking of telling you what to do. You’d probably only react to it the way I would which is with all the defiance I could muster. And he, he showed me how to, how to be in the world. He showed me what to do between meetings.

He showed me about getting up. He showed me about being responsible. He taught me what a friend was by being one to me. And he just kept me going, and he kept telling me, “You’re doing beautiful, man.

You’re doing beautiful. Keep going. Keep going.” I got five years of sobriety, and I came up to him and I said, “Don, I got five years. And you know what?

It’s been a pretty easy five years, hasn’t it?” And he just burst out laughing, and he said, “Earl, you have had the most hellacious time hanging onto this program. It’s been horrible,” he said, “but I guess in comparison to what you went through to get here, it wasn’t that bad of a deal.” He said, “But I gotta tell you, Earl, if you’d have known how destroyed you were when you got here, you wouldn’t have bothered to come. And we know that about you.

You just would’ve given it up.” And I thought, “You know, yeah, I guess he was right,” you know? Because I didn’t know about being comfortable standing where you were standing and doing what you were doing with the people you were doing it with unless you were a wreck. I didn’t know about having friends. I didn’t know about going back to the same place and having people say, “Nice to see you.” Just the little stuff that other people took for granted that live out there in the world I c- I didn’t take for granted.

I was amazed by those things. I was amazed being able to sit in a meeting and just feel comfortable, just be comfortable sitting in a meeting, not thinking about this or worrying about that. I mean, I have to remember what it’s like to be new. I have to remember what it’s like to be new.

Because I sponsor a lot of guys, and I get the new ones, you know? And I’ll take Ed, and I’ll say, “Ed, let’s go to a meet…” And I’ll find out that there’s this guy, Al F., is talking. Al F. is an amazing human being.

He’s got thirty-one years of sobriety, and the pearls of wisdom that flow out of this guy’s mouth are absolutely remarkable. And I, I think, “I gotta take Ed. Ed’s got 90 days. I’m gonna take Ed.

Ed’s gonna hear Al.” What an amazing opportunity for a guy with just 90 days to go hear the ma- the magic that comes out of this man’s mouth. So I go get Ed, and we go run over. We sit down in the front row, and Al’s gonna talk, and I’m thinking, “This is beautiful, man.” And Al gets up, and Al’s ripping one, man. I mean, it is a pitch, and this, the pearls of wisdom are coming out, and I’m sitting there thinking, “Man, this is incredible.

This is incredible that at 90 days he’s being exposed to this amazing talk.” What I have to remember is, is that Ed is not going to the same meeting I’m going to. Ed is having an entirely different meeting. He is– It’s taken me all of the fourteen-plus years that I’ve got to hear what I’m hearing from Al. Ed’s got 90 days.

He’s looking at it from a different angle. He is hearing a completely different pitch, and I have to remember that. It doesn’t mean that his meeting is any less valuable than mine. It doesn’t mean that he’s not getting what he needs.

I remember me walking into a meeting at Ohio Street. It’s a famous club over in West LA where they have a lot of meetings. And I remember me going to my first meetings at Ohio Street, walking up to the building, and what went on in my head as these great speakers were up there doing their thing. I’m walking up to the, the meeting hall, and it’s just Okay, I found the building.

I found the building. This is good. This is good. This is good.

We’re gonna be all right. We’re gonna be all right. Okay, just breathe. Okay, just breathe.

Breathe. We’re going in. We’re going in. We’re in.

We’re in. Okay, now you gotta find a seat. You gotta put your keys on a seat. Where you gonna sit?

Where the hell am I gonna sit? I don’t know where to sit. This is crazy, man. Just find a seat.

There’s a guy with a red coat. Sit next to the guy with the red coat. Just spot the guy with the red coat, and you sit next to him, and everything will be cool. It’s fine.

It’s fine. Go. Put the keys down. Go outside.

Okay, everybody’s outside. We’ll stand outside. They’re ringing a bell. They’re ringing a bell.

Why? We’re all going in. We’re going– Oh, they’re gonna start the meeting. All right.

Sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down. There’s a guy, he’s up, he’s reading, he’s reading, he’s reading. What’s he reading? What is he reading?

He’s reading chapter, chapter something, chapter something. Really? He’s really saying something. I don’t know.

He really saw… I don’t know. I’m having a little trouble keeping track of this. There’s 12 things.

He’s reading 12 things. There’s 12 things I should remember. Remember 12 things. Remember 12 things.

That’s good. That’s good. All right, now we’re gonna go on. We’re gonna go– Oh, he’s down.

He’s down. I missed that whole thing. I had no idea. It says that cha– literally saw something, and there were 12 things involved.

Okay, I’ll hang on to that. That’ll be good. That’ll be good. Here comes another guy.

He’s up. He’s talking. He’s talking. He drank.

He drank. I drank. This is good. I drank.

I drank. Yeah, I like that. I like that. He’s down.

I don’t know any– I miss a lot of that. He’s down, though, and that’s good. Here’s another guy. He says they’re passing a basket.

There’s pa– There’s money in the basket. There’s mo- Don’t take the money. Don’t take that money. Don’t take the money.

Here comes the basket. Don’t put your hand. Just pass it by. Pass it by.

There it goes. Oh, God. Thank you. Thank you.

I didn’t take any money. I didn’t take any money. He’s hitting the gavel. He’s banging the gavel.

We’re all– Everybody’s standing up. What are we doing? We’re going outside. We’re gonna smoke.

I smoke. I smoke. That’s good. We’ll go outside.

We’ll smoke. I’m smoking. I’m smoking. There’s a, the, the bell again.

There’s a bell. There’s a bell. Okay, we’re gonna go in. We’re in.

We’re in. We’re sitting down. He’s sitting there. There’s another guy.

He’s up with the 12 things. Yeah, I don’t think these are the same 12 things. They’re reading another 12 things. 12 things.

There’s… AA has 24 things. All right, remember that. AA has 24 things.

He’s down. He’s down. I don’t remember any of that either. Here comes another guy.

He’s up. He’s talking. He drank. I get that.

I get that. I did that. This is good. I did that.

I like this. I like this. He’s down. Something else happened.

Here’s another guy. He’s up. He’s up. I don’t know what he’s talking about.

Everybody’s standing up again. What are we doing? They got my hands. They got my hands.

What are we doing? We’re… It’s a prayer. It’s a prayer.

It’s the Lord’s Prayer. I know this prayer. We’ve heard this prayer. Here’s a prayer.

Everything’s good. And I walk out of the meeting, and I think, I just did a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. That was me when I was new. That was the inside of my head.

And you know what? That was an outstanding meeting. That was an excellent meeting. I got a lot out of that meeting ’cause I went there, I sat down, I didn’t hurt anyone, I didn’t use any of my tools for living.

I didn’t drink, use, attack anybody, or run. I didn’t do any of it. I sat on my hands, and I made it through an entire meeting, and I left. And people come up to me and say, “How was the meeting, Earl?” And I’d give them the newcomer mantra.

“Fine. Fine.” “Get a lot out of that?” “Yeah. Fine.” See how I did? Now, I’m sitting there.

Now, I’m– Now, I ought to know better. I went through years of that kind of stuff, and I’m sitting here with Ed, listening to Al, thinking how incredible this is, and we walk out of the meeting, and I say, “Ed, isn’t that an amazing meeting? Do you believe the things that that man understands about being alive on this planet?” And you look at me and you go, “Yeah, it’s great. It’s fine.

It’s good.” Ed’s doing– It’s, it’s just Ed’s turn, and I gotta remember that and let Ed have his turn just spinning in a meeting. ‘Cause we all sit there, and we look fine, you know? And we do that, “Fine. I’m fine.

I’m all right. I’m fine.” You know, and we’re just thinking the most insane stuff while that’s going on, and that’s just being new, and I gotta remember what that’s like for that guy. But what I also need to remember is at six and a half years of sobriety, I was going nuts. Uh, yeah.

Your trip, right lady? I was going nuts. I had no idea what was going on.

I was so uncomfortable in my body, and I was doing everything. Seven to nine meetings a week, calling my sponsor every day, speaking when I was asked to speak. I mean, I was actually opening my mouth in Alcoholics Anonymous. I mean, and every– And I had an apartment, I had a car.

Had a better car, had a better apartment. I had some clothes. I was doing the AA dating thing. I’m in love, maybe not.

I’m in love, maybe not. I’m in love, maybe not. Just a boy running around trying to act like a man. God Almighty.

Trying to find a place for me, someplace I belong, right? And I couldn’t find it. I was going nuts. Ugh.

So I went up to this old-timer. If you’re new, be very, very careful around people with time. They will mess you up. They will.

They will mess you up. Man, I walked up to this guy, and I said, “Hey, seven to nine meetings a week, talking to my sponsor every day, sponsoring a lot of guys, taking half panels, got commitments, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. How come I’m still nuts?” He said, “Earl! Saw you come in, young man.

If you don’t get yourself a program, you’re probably gonna die. Go away.” I said, “Excuse me.” Ran down my whole thing to him again. I said, “What are you talking about, a program? I got an excellent program.” He said, “Earl, what you’re describing is the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Vital to your recovery, glad you’re doing it. The program, however, is found in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. I suggest you get the book and read it, or you’re probably gonna die. Go away.” I said, “All right, you old son of a bitch.

Fine, I’ll go get a book.” “I’m gonna work the steps with that guy right over there. I hate that guy.” So me and this buddy of mine, he had eight and a half– eight years, I had six and a half years. Said, “Okay, we’re new. What’s the deal?” Got the big book.

It’s a blue thing about that big. It was n- it was news to me. I had this friend of mine who was hysterical, call me up one day, and he said that– she said, “Uh, what’s step three in the book?” I said, “I’m not gonna ro- rob you of the pleasure of discovering that for yourself in the book.

It’s in the book.” “Read it.” And I knew where it was at that point. I said, “But no, you know, part of the fun of it was finding it for myself. You go in there and find it.” She goes, “Come on, just tell me where it is.” I said, “No! Go in and find it for yourself.

It’ll mean more to you if you do it that way. Get used to going to the book to find what you need.” And she says, “I know. It’s in that chapter, ‘We Antagonists,’ isn’t it?” I said, “Yeah, that’s the one. Go right in there and find that chapter.” And that’s what I was like.

So we sat down, and we got this book, and I said, “You know, this is remarkable.” There was this– On the cover of the book, there was this circle with a triangle in it, ancient spiritual symbol. Stood for mind, body, and spirit brought together as a whole human being. And therein lies the balance that I have always sought in my life and never had. Alcoholics Anonymous adopted the symbol of unity, recovery, and service.

The unity is the body. I bring it here. I must be with my fellows. I must come to these meetings.

Uh, and it’s an interesting circle about coming to these meetings. When I’m new, I come to these meetings ’cause I have nothing to offer anyone. I have nothing to give anyone. My life is completely bankrupt and of no value in any area, and I come here, and I take.

And what I take is I take what the fellowship offers me, and I do the commitment, and I do the thing. And it’s not because I’m the, the new guy that I do the commitment. It’s because I’m the new guy, and they give me the best stuff the program, the fellowship has to offer. They give me the coffee commitment, which is an opportunity for me to get out of myself and be of service to you, something I never knew anything about before I came to AA.

I had never thought about anybody but me. Never. But doing the– making the coffee, I gotta get out of myself and be there for you for your coffee and make sure everything’s done right. And on a big meeting on a Friday night, for me, it was about a four-hour commitment.

And while the coffee’s getting made, I’d help them set up, and I’d get out of self, out of self, out of self, the whole damn point of being of service. And when I came back to me, I’d come back with a new perspective and a new understanding and a little bit healthier view of what it’s like to be in the world. And I got to learn those things being in the fellowship. The unity was the body.

I bring it here. I sit down, I shut up, and I listen, like the old-timers told me to do because what I need is here, not in here at that point. But once I’ve done that, and then the second side of the triangle, which is the recovery of the mind. The recovery is of the mind, the greater aspect of my disease.

I mean, if it was just about the body, if it was just about not drinking no matter what, I could set the bottle down, and I’d be free, right? I mean, if that were true, detox centers would be kicking out winners, man. They’d be seventy-two hours and free. “Thanks for stopping by for the weekend, Earl.

You go have yourself a good life.” I’d say, “Thank you very much, and I go have a good life.” But I got this obsession in the mind that tells me– that says in the book, the persistence of this illusion, this belief in a lie that I can drink like a normal individual is astonishing, that many of us pursue it to the gates of insanity and death. Been to those gates. My head tells me I can have a drink.

It tells me it’s okay, I’m just gonna have a couple, and it doesn’t do like I thought it would do when I was new. It doesn’t– Just walking around, swooping up onto High Street, and all of a sudden, your head just goes, “Drink!” You know? And you just run out, and you go to the liquor store, and you got a bottle, and you’re in the back waiting for that gin to hit and do what it does and wondering where this is gonna take me this time. It’s not like that.

I’m walking around, swooping up on High Street. My head says, “How you doing, Earl? Having a bad day, aren’t we, buddy? It’s a terrible day.

It’s an awful day. I don’t know what it is. People have been treating you poorly all day long, and I don’t know why they do that, Earl, because you’re a wonderful human being. You’re a great guy.

I love you. I love you. You know I love you. I’ve always been here for you, and I always will.

You know that.” It said, “You know why, Earl? You’re very stressed. You’re very tense, and tension is a bad thing. It’s a bad thing.

It’s unhealthy, Earl. Being tense is unhealthy.” “And what we’re gonna do is we’re gonna just have us a couple of little drinks, and we’re gonna unwind that internal spring. We’re gonna walk, we’re gonna walk all the way through this. I’m here for you, Earl.

I love you, and I would not let you down, and I would not steer you wrong. Isn’t that right?” “And you, and you don’t have to tell anybody, Earl. It’ll just be our little secret. Everything will be all right.” Now, I’ve just finished a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I’m swooping up, and I’m going, “Well, yeah. That’s right.” Persistence of this illusion is astonishing. If I pick this up and take a drink, I activate the phenomenon of craving, which is a physical phenomenon. I activate that, and I’m off and running, and I’m, I don’t have the power to choose anymore.

I’m a slave to it one more time. There’s no telling where it’s gonna stop, and my best thinking won’t have anything to do with it. I will not be able to decide a thing. And I understand that, so the recovery of the mind is if I’m sitting in this room, it’s not about stopping.

I’ve done that. It’s about not starting again. How do I not start again? And I address the obsession of the mind.

How do I do that? I work the 12 steps. What are the 12 steps? Step one is what’s the problem?

Lack of power is my dilemma. Left to my own devices, I drink, and i-it’s an absolutely amazing experience. I got 16 years that tell me that. So if that’s– If lack of power is your problem, what’s your solution?

Step two, a Power greater than me is gonna have to restore me to sanity, soundness of mind, relieve me of this obsessive thinking. Biggest promise in the book as far as I’m concerned. Well, knowing that, you’ll get drunk. What should you do?

Well, you better make a decision to do something about it, Earl. Luckily, that’s step three. Got down on my knees, said the Third Step Prayer, made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God. Well, that’s what I turn over.

Turn that over, my life, to the care of God. Can’t kill myself anymore. It’s not my life to take. It says in the book, it tells me once you’ve done that, you better embark upon a rigorous, honest plan of action

that’s gonna bring about that solution in your life ’cause so far you’ve just accepted your problem, accepted the solution, made a decision to do something about it. Now you gotta do something about it so it’ll happen in your life. It’s the only book I know of that’s designed to bring about an experience. So I did this, this, uh, action plan four through nine.

Did a four-column inventory on resentment, fear, and sex. Fifth Step, a guy came in the house. I read it before God to that individual. He left.

Six and seven, I hooked it back up with God. Eight and nine, I hooked it back up with you. And ten, eleven, and twelve keep me in the game. Ten is me, eleven is God, and twelve is you.

There ain’t nobody else to play with. Those are the so, the– Eleven and twelve are the things that I’ve pushed out of my life forever. I swore I would never love another human being again as long as I lived, and there was no way I would ever tell any of you who I am. There’s no way you’re gonna love me.

It was not gonna happen. Wasn’t in the game for me. And all– And, and slowly but surely in the process of Alcoholics Anonymous, all that has become untrue, all of it. So ten, I keep my side of the street clean, and when I’m wrong, I promptly admit it.

That’s me. I c– I don’t worry about what you’re doing. I worry about what I’m doing. I stick to my side of the street, and I try to stay off of yours.

Eleven, I seek God. It’s an action step. That’s my relationship with God, and I seek God. How?

Through prayer and meditation. What do I pray for? Knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry that out. That’s it.

Why do I meditate? So as to quiet the mind so that when the answers come, I can hear them. And the twelfth step is the third side of the triangle. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of the steps, that was the whole point I did it, was to be restored to sanity, soundness of mind, have that obsessive thinking removed.

I could practice these. I could be of service. I could practice these principles and carry the message. You.

So now all of a sudden, I’ve worked these steps. The only reason I’m doing them is ’cause I don’t wanna go back into madness. I don’t wanna drink. I don’t wanna dance with the beast anymore.

That’s why I did it. And now all of a sudden, when I’m dealing with you, I realize that I have to deal with you from a standpoint of how can I help as opposed to what do you got for me? I mean, my entire life, if you had alcohol, drugs, sex, money, or information on how I could get some of the above, I would talk to you. If you didn’t, next.

And now I’m supposed to come at you with how can I help? And I don’t do that ’cause I’m a good guy. I do that ’cause I don’t wanna drink. ‘Cause I don’t wanna drink.

That’s why I do it. I mean, it’s amazing in here. I mean, this thing goes so far past not drinking and using it’s unbelievable. It says there’s a design for living here, and it really, really happens.

Things happen that I didn’t plan on, I didn’t ask for, I wasn’t looking for, I knew I could not have in my life, and I do today. And I do because I keep a clear purpose in here. People– I’d say Alcoholics Anonymous for me is about not drinking. It’s about staying sober.

That’s what it’s about. If people tell me Alcoholics Anonymous is about love, Alcoholics Anonymous is about forgiveness, Alcoholics Anonymous is about acceptance, I disagree. I think Alcoholics Anonymous is about staying sober. If a guy like me is gonna stay sober, there’s certain actions I must take.

It tells me on page thirty, the first, the, the first step in recovery, I must accept to my innermost self that I am alcoholic. That is the first step in recovery. Page twenty-five, it tells me there is a solution to the problem, and I’m not gonna like the three things it lists that are required for a successful consummation of this deal. And I’m paraphrasing.

But I’m close. That’s what it says. I gotta do these things if I want the big buzz. Now, I don’t know about you, but I was a pig out there and nothing’s changed.

I want the whole buzz in here. I want the whole buzz. I’m not, I’m not– Did you ever say out there, “No, thank you. I’ve had enough”?

Did you ever say that? Why the hell would I wanna say something like that in here? I want the whole deal. I wanna find out what’s available in this deal, so I wanna do all of it.

And if I do all of it, in order to stay sober, I’m gonna run into all kinds of love, forgiveness, acceptance, compassion. I’m gonna learn things that I knew nothing about living out there like the animal that I was. I’m learning how to be a man. I don’t thank Alcoholics Anonymous for the best life I’ve ever had.

I thank them for the only one I’ve ever had that’s been of any value whatsoever. It’s just the way it is for me. I mean… It’s hard to express, you know?

I was a dead man just walking around. Didn’t know how to be in the world at all, and I’m doing okay in the world now. I’m pretty c– I’m comfortable being Earl. I’m comfortable standing where I’m standing, doing what I’m doing with the people I’m doing it with.

I do things that I know I can’t do. I mean, an example of how much Alcoholics Anonymous means to me is that I’m here. ‘Cause to get here, I gotta get on an airplane. I don’t get on airplanes for anything.

They scare me to death. I get that airplane starts taking off down that runway and starts to lift off, and that G-force hits my body, and pictures start popping into my head ’cause my brain tells me, “This is dangerous. You die here. You don’t wanna do this.

Remember this, remember this, remember this, remember this,” and some really nasty, ugly stuff goes flying through my head, and the terror hits, and I’m afraid all the way there, and there’s only one thing that will get me on a plane, and it’s Alcoholics Anonymous, ’cause Alcoholics Anonymous told me you gotta be willing to go to any lengths. So now what I– happens to me when I get in an airplane, and it isn’t, “Oh, my God, I’m gonna die,” now I’ve gotten to the point where it’s– as much as I’m still filled with that same terror, it’s like one more time I get to demonstrate for myself that I’m willing to go to any lengths.

One more time I get to demonstrate for myself that I’m earning my seat, that I have a right to be here. ‘Cause remember, I’m the guy that knew he didn’t have a right to be alive. I didn’t have a right to be breathing in and out. I went through all that survivor’s guilt and all that post-traumatic stress disorder and all that stuff.

I mean, I was six years sober, and I was having to pull the car over I was shaking so bad ’cause it was all coming up. And Alcoholics Anonymous showed me how to deal with that stuff and keep giving my life back to God and keep moving and doing the things that I needed to do. Today, I mean, I have an absolutely remarkable life. I run my own business.

I live in a nice place. I do the things that I wanna do. I’m having a good life. I got l– I’m loving and being loved.

I got friends. I have a sense of family. And all that’s available to me, and I’m able to take life on life’s terms, the good and the bad. In nineteen ninety-four, um, my wife had a miscarriage.

We separated and filed for divorce. A guy that I sponsored for six and a half years, who was like a little brother to me, was murdered. Had to be a pallbearer at his funeral. My, um, my goddaughter’s mother was murdered, and they cut my little goddaughter’s throat, and she lived.

Um, she’s thirteen years old now, an absolutely remarkable little girl. Um, and she knows I love her, and she trusts me completely, and she knows I understand where sh- where she’s at, and we have a beautiful relationship. Um, oh, my sponsor died. Donald died.

It was the hardest thing I’d ever been through in my life. I mean, I– he was Alcoholics Anonymous to me, and it broke my heart when he died, and I felt like God broke my heart when Donald died. And you know what? It never occurred to me to drink.

It never occurred to me to use. Um, what I did was I recommitted to Alcoholics Anonymous. I was waiting for them to come get Donald’s body, and I had another sponsor. And I– ’cause I had said in my head, “I’m not– I’ll never be sponsored by another person.

I’ll never betray that relationship.” And I heard Donald in my head, and Donald said, “You’ll have another sponsor right now, you little son of a bitch, or you’ll drink.” And I picked up the phone, and I called somebody that I knew Donald loved and respected, and I c– and that I knew respected Donald, and I called him up and said, “Donald’s dead. Will you sponsor me?” And he said, “Yeah.” He’s been very gentle and patient with me since then while we’ve been going through what we’ve been going through. And I’ve realized at this point in my life, at thirteen months later, after Donald being gone, I can tell you Donald Madden is alive and well because half of the stuff that I said tonight I learned

from Donald. And the guys that I sponsor learn about Donald because I sit with my boys, and I tell them about Donald. ‘Cause we got a path, and we got a way here in this big tribe, and it’s in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, but our history we pass on to each other verbally. We get to gather around the campfire like this, and we share our history and our experience and our strength and our hope, and we tell each other about where we got it and those that have gone before us and what they

gave us, and then we pass that on to the best of our ability, the way that it was handed down to us, so that we remain clear of purpose, so that what Alcoholics Anonymous is about doesn’t change. So I tell people that I’m the son of Donald M., who was the son of Norm A. He was the son of Chuck C. He was the son of Bill W.

And that’s my train, and those are my elders, and those are the people that I try to honor and respect. And I tell all my boys about them, and they go out, and they say, “Yeah, my sponsors are related, and he was sponsored by Don Lim, and these are the things that he told us about them.” And it goes on, and it goes on, and it goes on. And we’re this big, giant tribe, and we stick to the singleness of purpose of this deal. And a guy from Los Angeles, California, gets to come to a place called Homeland, Louisiana, and walk into a room full of people he’s never seen before in his life and feel welcome.

People hugging on me and making sure I got what I need and taking care of me and treating me like a member of the tribe, treating me like a member of their family. And that’s what Alcoholics Anonymous has done for me in my life. It’s given me that. That’s bigger than anything I ever thought was possible being on this planet.

Man, if you are new, check this deal out. There’s people in here with lights on in their eyes that you just can’t believe. And I tell you what, they didn’t look like this when they got here. You’re thinking, “Oh, man, what am I gonna do?

I can’t drink. I can’t use anymore. I’m not gonna have any more fun. Look at all these lightweights sitting around the pool listening to this maniac.” It ain’t, that ain’t the way it is.

Everybody in the world’s got people. They run up to the cliff, and they say, “Ooh, the cliff,” and they take a step back. What this room is filled with is the people who ran up on that cliff, never slowed down, and dove off the cliff into the abyss. That’s what this room is filled with.

We either go… We go to jail. We go to prison. We go to mental institutions.

We go to the morgue, and we come here. Now, if you’d prefer one of those other places, be my guest. Far be it from me to stop anybody. With my history, I’m in no position to judge anybody about anything.

But I suggest that possibly you come in here and check this thing out, and I don’t mean hang back and go to a meeting and go, “Yeah, bullshit,” and leave. I mean, check it out. Challenge us. Be– If you’re crazy, perfect.

Have a seat. If you’re so angry you don’t know whether you’re gonna kill somebody or else or yourself at any moment, I understand you. Have a seat. You’re very welcome here with all those feelings going on inside you.

And you know what? If you flip in and out of this program over and over and over and over again, and you come in here, and anybody gives you any shit at all, you tell them Earl said, “Fuck you.” I apologize about the F-word.

Here’s a dollar for the thing. I have to give a dollar every time I do that now. I apologize. I got a little carried away.

I’m sorry for that word. But the whole point is, is that what the only thing in here is, is that this is Alcoholics Anonymous, and the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. And if you have that, you come in and you take a seat. My job as a member of Alcoholics Anonymous is to extend my hand, say, “Welcome.

Is there anything I can do for you? Here’s a cup of coffee. If you’d like to talk after the meeting, I’d be honored to do that with you.” That’s it. The rest of it’s God’s business.

It’s not mine or the judgmental opinion of another member of Alcoholics Anonymous. That’s not what it’s about. So if you’re in here fighting for your life, sit down and take your seat. That’s it.

There ain’t nothing else going on. And we have to stay that way. I have to stay that way. And I know why people judge people who come back in, is because when you see somebody go out and then come back in, it scares me because that could happen to me.

And if you scare me, I’m going to back you off, right? But I got to get past my fear, my self-centered fear, and I have to be a member of Alcoholics Anonymous and move in that direction. So that’s what I try to do. And if you’re new, try to look at it that way.

You’re just getting your turn, and we will afford you every right to take your turn at being new and go through what you got to go through at the time you got to go through it and the way you got to go through it. All you got to do is try and work the three sides of that triangle. Unity is the body. Bring it here.

Recovery is of the mind. Get in that book and work those steps and find somebody that can show you the way to do that. And once you’ve done that, you don’t come to meetings anymore to take. You come to meetings to give.

Because the reason we have meetings is so that the newcomer has a place to come to get what we now have as a result of having gone through the book, having done the work, having had the spiritual awakening. So I don’t come anymore to take. I come to give. Not because I’m a good guy, because I want to stay sober.

Because it’s the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me in my life. I’m doing the stuff I couldn’t do. All the things that were gone in my life, I have been given back by Alcoholics Anonymous and 10 times more than that. It’s a beautiful, beautiful trip.

Check it out. It’s the biggest buzz on earth for people like us. You’re going to get higher here than you have ever been in your life. The difference here is that when you’re out there using, you get the buzz first and you pay later.

And you pay dearly. Here, we got lucky. You’re going to pay up front. But the longer you stay here, the bigger the buzz is going to get.

And what that suggests is tomorrow there’s more love for you. Tomorrow there’s more dignity for you as a human being. Tomorrow there’s more self-respect. Tomorrow there’s more loving and being loved.

See, I got screwed up in the beginning, man. I thought if I came in these rooms and I was respectful towards you, you would be respectful towards me. It’s not true. What happens is that if I am respectful towards you, I become a respectable human being.

I thought if I loved you, you would love me. It’s not true. What happens if I love you is that I get to be a loving man. I had it all wrong.

The magic in here is remarkable. But you know what? It’s not magic that you get by sitting around talking about it. It’s magic you get by doing it.

It’s in the footwork. So buckle your seatbelt and jump into this game with the rest of us, man. We’ll love you till you can love yourself. And then when you can, we’re probably going to hand you a newcomer and say, “Get to it.” Thanks a lot, Louisiana.

I’ve had a real nice time.