You have our mic there. Oh. There’s a bottle underneath the chair. Thank you.

Hi, everybody. My name’s Earl, and I’m an addict. Geez. Cheers.

Oh, man. Welcome. Thank you. I feel very welcome.

Um, really, to be perfectly honest, I feel welcomed in a com- in, in… I’m overwhelmed emotionally by the welcome I’ve gotten here. I left Los Angeles Tuesday afternoon, and I haven’t slept much since. The jet lag thing just, I have not kicked over.

I’m, apparently I am defiant to my core. Uh, so I’ve been kind of living like a vampire since I got here. I have, uh… I was talking to a guy earlier, and I said, “I feel like I’m gonna faint.” So if I do, there’s some water up here, just splash it in my face, and I’ll get up and keep going.

I, uh, I wanna thank the committee for asking me to come share here. It’s a, it’s a tremendous honor and a privilege to be here with you. Um, I, uh, I also wanna thank Dominic for coming to get me at the airport. That was, uh, that was quite a ride.

And, uh, I wanna thank Steve for his hospitality and Chris for all the correspondence, and everybody that’s been emailing. It’s, uh, I’ve been enjoying you long before I got here. Um, I have a little sadness in my heart tonight because of a, um, uh, lost a brother recently of, in our

fellowship that, uh, I got clean with, um, who just couldn’t surrender. And, uh, he’s one of the ones that just shot dope till, uh… He didn’t overdose. He just stopped.

His body just quit after 23 years of, of using. So this one’s for Jimmy. Um, I did not start using until I was 12. I waited as long as I possibly could, man.

I, I had been restless, irritable, and discontented for a long time prior to that. And I had been shipped off to boarding school. I think you call that public school here, correct? Yeah.

Boarding school. And how I found out I was going to boarding school is my father came in my room one day and said, “Get in the car.” I got in the car. Drove and drove and drove and drove. I got out of the car, and nobody else got out of the car.

He got out of the car, put a suitcase down next to me, shook my hand, said, “This’ll make a man out of you.” Got in the car and drove off. Now, the fact was I was being given an opportunity for a wonderful education, held me in good stead to this day. The feeling was, was that I’d just been thrown away by the people who knew me best in the world, and I didn’t know what I’d done to be, to be thrown away. I was devastated emotionally.

Balance is the key, man. You gotta- And, uh, I’m real raw. I don’t know what’s gonna come out of my mouth tonight. Just in a safe place, my kind.

So, uh, I wanna get sober fast. So I, I met Tiny. Every high school’s got a guy named Tiny, right? He, actually, he found me.

Said, “How you doing, punk?” Slapped me in the back of the head, sent me and my books flying. I got up and, uh, and, and walked over and hit Tiny as hard as I could, which had no effect on Tiny. He was about 100… I was five feet tall, uh, 12 years old, 104 pounds.

I mean, I was, I was afraid of everything and everybody, right? But he scared me so bad, I thought I’d rather die than let this guy know I’m afraid. So I went up and hit him, and he said, “You got a lot of guts.” And he beat the crap out of me right on the spot. And as I’m taking this beating, I’m thinking, “This is going pretty good.” Because he had said, “You got a lot of guts, kid.” And, and my violence had masked my fear.

Um, that was my first tool for living, when frightened, attack. So I took my beating, went back to my room, sitting around waiting for the bleeding to stop and the cool g- It’s word spread across this campus in, like, 30 minutes. “Watch out for this little Hightower kid. He’s a maniac.

He attacked Tiny.” So now I got a rep that’s got nothing to do with who I am. I’m a frightened child. But the cool guys started coming around, and that was the beginning for me, man. Matt stuck his head in my dorm room, and he said, “Hey, you wanna smoke a joint?” And I said, “Yes, I do.” And

I didn’t even know what he was talking about. All I heard was, “Do you wanna hook up? Do you wanna connect with us?” The answer was, “Yeah, man, I’m alone in the universe.” You know, he, he could’ve said, “We’re gonna go kill the Spanish teacher. Do you wanna come?” I’d say, “Yeah.” “Sure.” Uh, so we went, me and Matt and

Steve went behind the dorm. Cheap container, a little Tupperware container full of cheap red wine and a joint. He fired up the joint. I just did what he did.

I took a hit, and that burned my lungs. I thought, “That’s nasty, man.” Then this wine, I mean, cheap, no grapes involved wine, you know what I mean? I took a long pull on the Mad Dog, right? And, uh, that just burned my stomach.

Man, I thought, “This is terrible, man. I got knots on my head. My family… So, I mean, a week ago I was fine.” “You know, this rate, I’m gonna be dead by next Tuesday.

This is not going well.” And I, uh, it ha– I mean, it happened. That thing that makes me bodily different from my fellows occurred, and suddenly I was comfortable standing where I was standing, doing what I was doing with the people I was doing it with, and I had never felt like that before in my life. You know what I mean?

The knots went away. I wasn’t scared anymore. I love the effect produced by alcohol and drugs. Uh, it’s the fear killer for me.

It’s the fear killer. I get enough of what you got in my body. It doesn’t matter what it is. I’m not a specialist, all right?

I didn’t do one thing right into the ground. If that’s your story, you know, welcome. You know? My drug of choice is, what do you got?

I’m particular to down and out. I like heroin, barbiturates, alcohol. These are a few of my favorite things. You know?

And if you don’t have any, I’ll take a big bag of the cocaine, please. You know, we can’t go down, let’s go up. Right? I mean, my idea of a good night is sitting around checking my pulse.

You know what I mean? The way I do things, I don’t need a woman. I don’t need a television. I don’t need a window.

You know what I mean? Just, “Yeah, it’s beating again. All right. Good.” “We’re all right.” But if it’s not there, I’ll– uh, cocaine?

You bet, man. First time I s– I, I, I used cocaine, I was 16 years old. I’d already– I mean, 12 was pot and wine, 13 was pills, any kind of pills. The only reason I took a pill was a guy said, “Would you like a couple of pills?” I said, “Yes, I would.” 20 minutes later, I’m laying on the floor and I’m very happy there.

I got strung out on, you know, Seconal, Tuinal, Placidyl, all that stuff. Fourteen was psychedelics. I did about 650 acid trips. Got classified legally insane by the military a few years later, but that’s a whole other story.

Fifteen, next year I started shooting dope, and the only reason I shot dope is I was on a boat in Marina de– Marina del Rey, California, and this girl, Cammie, said, uh, “Would you like me to stick this in your body?” And I said, “Well, of course I would, Cammie.” And she did, man. And it was a good shot. She hit me, and I just went…

And on the way down, all I remember thinking was, “If I’m not dead, I’m doing that again.” That was- That was excellent. Sixteen, I started going to the nuthouse. Um, they signed me up for three years of, uh, ob– uh, three months of observation and a year of, of rehabilitation.

I thought that was a little excessive. Kept trying to escape, and I couldn’t, ’cause they got those three cups of pills a day and the shot if you act out, act out, right? My treatment plan was to act out in a different way every day so I could get the shot, right? So I’m shuffling around in this joint.

You got ’em here, the green exit signs. They had ’em in there green, and I thought, “That’s it. That’s…” They got it down to one word for me. That’s what I wanna do.

Exit. And I s– and I, uh, I, I, I devise my escape from the nuthouse. Yeah, it’s a very well-planned-out thing. I use this woman named Kilday as my diversion.

Kilday was nuts. All you had to do to flip her out was just say, “Hey, Kilday, how you doing, Kilday?” Wow. So I flipped out Kilday, and she went off flying off that way, and I’m sitting there, you know, my little three cups of pills a day in that joint. Ready, ready, ready, go.

And I’m hauling ass. That’s all I got, right? Out of the, out of the speaker from the nurse’s station you hear, “Uh, Ed, when you got a minute, you wanna grab Earl? He’s making a break for the door.” Ed’s in there having a sandwich going, “Yeah, I’ll get him in a minute.

He ain’t going nowhere.” I don’t got the arms working. Nothing. It’s the Thorazine, man. Thorazine shuffle.

You got two speeds, slow and stop. Finally got out of there. Got thrown in the nuthouse again. Escaped the first day, ’cause that’s my tools for living, man.

You know, you gotta have this information. My tools for living were drugs, alcohol, violence, and run. And if you’re gonna get thrown in the nuthouse, you gotta get out before they get the Thorazine in you, or you’re leaving when they say. So I then scooted out of that place.

Three years out on the street, doing what we do to stay loaded on a daily basis, you know? I mean, I wasn’t a ba– I, I’m not a bad guy or tough guy. I’ll j– I just do what I gotta do, ’cause I’m a self-centered, frightened addict, alcoholic. That’s who I am.

Um, and it runs me. Fear runs me. I gotta get– My thing is, it’s not about down or up like I was talking about before. I– If I’m sitting around all night checking my pulse, great.

Can’t do that? I’ll drive the freeways decoding license plates. Let’s go. Up.

I’m b- I’m happy to get psychotic, ’cause either way, I’m outta right here, right now. Right here, right now, I’m, I’m not enough. I never have been, right? I can’t measure my– I compare my insides to your outsides, and I lose every time.

Sorry. I have a sponsor who says, uh, however long I manage to stay sober, I should never be left unattended. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly for us, right? Anyway, I gotta get out of right here, right now, and that’s what it was all about for me.

It didn’t really matter what direction I was going in, as long as I didn’t have to be Earl. I needed anti-Earl medication. I needed the effect produced by alcohol and drugs, which was to l- deliver me from that self-centered fear. And my world got smaller and smaller and smaller.

Um, a lot of things happened along the way. A lot of things happened along the way that happen to us. The feds had me for 30 years when I was 19 years old. Um, and the only reason I didn’t do the– and in federal time, you do it all.

I, I, I– The only reason I didn’t do it is because they screwed up. Had nothing to do with me being a slick dope fiend, you know, and getting my legal team together, you know what I mean? To- You know? It…

They screwed up, so I walked on it. I’d be getting out about now. Um, a lot of life since then. Um, 21 years old, I got diagnosed with malignant cancer.

Uh, I flew back into LA, and they to- they pr- they did major surgery on my upper back. They prepared me to die, prepared my family for me to die. But I was using so hard, I was starting to overdose quite a bit. And I remember looking at them and thinking, “You don’t even know who you’re talking to.” And when I’m using, that comes up, like, twice a week.

You know? The possibility of dying. I, I just… And they did the surgery, and all.

I’m a long-term cancer survivor. I beat it. The re- reason I beat it is I, you know, I didn’t… I went into the nuclear medicine program, and they were shooting me full of all this stuff.

This is back in the ’70s. And, uh, um, I didn’t like the buzz I was getting off the nuclear medicine thing. So I quit, and just went home and got loaded the way I got loaded. And I, I believe to this day that my body had become so toxic, cancer could not live in my body.

That’s what happened. And I beat the cancer thing. Um, I was in a plane crash. Uh, whole family got killed but me.

Um, woke up on a mountain in Mexico, mother, father, little sister laying on the ground, bled to death right in front of me. I broke everything, skull, back, legs, arms. Um, everything. I couldn’t move anything but my right arm.

And I renounced God right there, and you as well. I had no love of God, and I had no love of you at all. I’d always been afraid of you. And I, uh, I was out right there.

November 6, 1974, I was out. Um, and I… They, they, they got me down off the mountain finally. They tagged me dead.

They finally took me to a hospital in, in Los Mochis, Mexico. And, uh, um, they got my name, and that brought the Federales, and the Federales interrogated me through an interpreter for three and a half days. Wouldn’t give me anything for pain. Wanted to know what I was doing back in Mexico, which is another story we don’t need to get into here.

But I wasn’t welcome. Um, and, uh, I finally called up a buddy of mine who flew in a plane… Called s- the family in Mexico City. They flew in the plane that smuggled me out of Mexico and got me to a hospital in Southern California.

I spent a long time in there, and I came out of there just nuts. Strung out on Demerol, ’cause you know how to… When you got a story like that, you can work the nurses, you know? I was getting maximum shots of Demerol every three hours around the clock.

I came out of there with a good habit already going, and I hit the ground, and I, and I used for another six years. And I’m not a guy with an anchor. I’ve never, you know? I’ve never been a guy with an anchor.

At that point in my life, my family was dead. I had no friends. You know? Um, I didn’t have a career to hold it together for.

I didn’t have a family to hold it together for. I didn’t have, um, hopes or dreams to hold it together for. I was an addict. I was an alcoholic.

Um, and I h- I had a head full of pictures that just were driving me into madness, and I knew I couldn’t survive it. So I was just gonna drink and use until I died. And you live what… You wanna live your life, live your life.

I’m living my life this way. You know? There is no God. There’s no such thing as loving and being loved.

I’m unwilling to do it. The people that I love died. I’m not doing it. I’m out of the game of life.

And, uh, I remember, uh, two years before I got clean, I was in my second detox. And my det- my kind of detox was y- there’s this little bootleg sanitarium in wh- in Hollywood, California, where you go in and you give them your wallet and your gun, your car keys, and your big bottle of Valium, and $150 cash. And you give them the cash, and they take you in, they strap you to a gurney, and shoot you full of anticonvulsants, and let you rock.

And at the end of t- uh, 72 hours, they just send you home or the morgue, and they didn’t really care which way you went. They got their money. And you’d kick like a dog. And, uh, second time I did it, I remember I was laying on there, and it was just ugly.

Mm-hmm. It was ugly. And I reintroduced myself to this God I had renounced, and I said, “You know what? You get me out of this sane and alive, and I will never, ever drink or use again as long as I live.” And I meant that with every fiber of my being.

I meant that as much as I’d ever meant anything in my life. And when they unstrapped me off that gurney and then I went out to my car, and I got in my car, and I went out, and I drank and used for two more years, ’cause I could not stop drinking and using. Couldn’t stop. And the madness was m- By the time I got sober, I was 28 years old.

I was 215 pounds. I had hair out like this and a beard like this. I was psychotic, and I don’t use the term loosely. I could not distinguish between the true and the false, like the book says.

Um, I was yellow. My heart was swollen. My thyroid was shut down. I couldn’t touch my kidneys or my liver.

Family was dead. Had no friends. They were deciding whether or not to charge me with attempted murder again. I’d been stabbed twice, shot at.

The violence in my life had been insane, and I’m just a nice little white boy from the West Side. You know what I mean? But I had, I got, I, I, I was dancing with the beast, man. The beast had me, and I had no tools for living that worked.

Both my hands were broken. I came out of my last blackout, and I had what they call in recovery a moment of clarity. And what it, what clarity was for me was, is I got to see my life as it was for just a second, that God didn’t do this to me. My father didn’t do this to me.

The feds didn’t do this to me, right? Interpol did not do this to me, right? This was on me. And if I didn’t wanna die, I was gonna have to get something that at that moment in my life I did not have.

All I knew was I could not live another second with what I had, that I had to let go of the reins. I had to let go of the reins, and I threw up these two busted hands and I said, “Help me.” And they threw me in an ambulance, and they took me to UCLA Emergency, and they pumped my stomach, and they said, “Get him out, he’s gonna die. He’s just…

You know? He’s like a little old man.” And then they took me to another place, and they kept me there five days, and I got worse, and they took me in an ambulance to another place. I didn’t… And it was a joint that was three beds.

They weren’t beds, they were cots. There were 42 cots in one room. Uh, 21 cots on each side of the room with sheets drawn between them, and how you earned your cot was you stayed in it. And I went in, and I got in my cot.

Man, 42 guys kicking, uh, right? No drugs. If you threw a seizure, which we all did, if you threw a seizure, they’d hit you with anticonvulsants and throw you back up in the cot. Do your vitals, right?

You know what I mean? If you weren’t coding, they’d just, “Okay, he’s cool. Leave him there.” And you just hang on to your cot, and I was in there for 12 more days. And you don’t sleep a wink.

Something I’m re-experiencing here in England. You don’t sleep a wink, ’cause somebody’s losing… It’s like Dante’s Inferno in this joint. Somebody’s flipping out at any given moment.

It’s just… Right? And all I knew was this is my cot. I can’t drink it.

I can’t drink. I can’t use. I can’t use. I can’t use.

And I, uh, I made it out of de- uh, detox, and I was in rehab for 30 days. And I came out of there, I was still so sick when I came out of that joint. But I knew one thing, ’cause my counselor, Ray W., said to me, said, “Earl, it’s real simple. If you don’t wanna die, you better go to AA.” There was no CA then.

And I said, “Okay” ’cause I had been beaten into a state of reasonableness by my alcoholism and my drug addiction. That’s what kicked my ass. And I, uh, so I ended up on a Friday night in the basement of a church, 8:30 PM meeting, and I walked in the back, and I had a h- I, I was s- I had kicked.

I’d been, you know, I was, I was like 48 days clean, but I was, I was crazy. What I didn’t understand c- and no way I could have understood was that I, I did, I, I knew I was an alcoholic, but I didn’t know what alcoholism was. I didn’t know what addiction was. I didn’t know I suffered from an allergy of the body and an obsession of the mind, and that the obsession of my g- mind was the greater aspect of my disease.

Because when I kicked, I felt better. Apparently, we’re on the right track here. This is what you do, you kick, right? But I had to learn this is not about stopping.

This is not about stopping using. That’s not what this is about. It’s about how do I stay stopped, because I stopped 1,000 times, man. Every time I had my head go for the table, I’d say, “This has gotta stop.” But every time my head came back up off the table, right, I had a whole new agenda

because my body was talking. The physical phenomenon of craving was chewing on me, and I was thinking I was making a decision to use, but I wasn’t making a decision to use because I had lost the power of choice. The b- the beast is smooth, man. The beast is smooth.

I used to think he’d be standing around in a meeting when I read that part about no human defense. It’s like, well, that’s great news, right? I’d be ha- standing in a meeting s- with a commitment, sweeping up after a meeting with a sponsor standing right over there, and all of a sudden my head would just go and I’d just drop the mop and, “Well, fuck it. There you go.” “Sorry, my turn.” Right?

And I’d just go and get drunk. And if I get drunk, I head downtown. It’s gonna go bad fast. But it’s not like that.

The beast is smooth. The beast is, “How you doing?” I’m sweeping up in the meeting. I got a commitment. “How you doing, Earl?” “You seem very, very tense.” “And you know why?

You’re a lovely person. I don’t know what it is, man. It’s like you got a bullseye on you. People walking around all day just treating you like shit.

I don’t understand why anybody does this to you because you’re a lovely person.” “You know, it’s a cruel, ugly world, Earl, and I can see that it’s got you very, very stressed out. Very str- And if I’m not mistaken, that’s a medicinal issue. That’s a medical issue.” “And I’m here for you, Earl. I love you.

I’m here for you. I love you. You know I love you. I’ve always been here for you, and here’s what I’m gonna, I’m…

We’re gonna work this out. I mean, when… You’re not alone. We’re together.

Now, here’s what we’re gonna do. We’re just gonna go have a couple of drinks.” “Now, now, now, now, don’t overreact, man. Don’t overreact.” “Just you and me, man.

Just you and me. We’re gonna unwind that spring. We’ll unwind that spring, and we’re gonna work our way through this because I’m here for you. I love you.

You know that, don’t you? I love you. Okay? And another thing, let’s just keep this between you and me.” “Your sponsor’s looking, your sponsor’s looking.

Smile and wave at him. Smile and wave at him.” Very good. Very good. And I’m standing there like, “Yeah.” Cut me a break,

man. That’s the beast. It’s just smooth. The book says that it’s cunning, baffling, and powerful, man, and that is just the truth.

And I got this voice in my head, the great obsession of every alcoholic and addict, right? Is to somehow, some way be able to control and use their drinking and their using. That’s what it’s about, right? It’s the great obsession of my mind, that I can have a couple.

It’s why I have what they call euphoric recall. I don’t see the misery and the madness of the last six years of my drinking and using. When I think about smoking a joint, I go all the way back to that first joint, man, when it worked, when I was in the first stage, fun. I don’t think much about the second stage, fun with problems, and I definitely do not even go near the third stage, problems.

I don’t look at that. I have this euphoric recall. I wanna regain that thing that I once had, that ease and comfort that came ver- right in the beginning. That’s what I’m looking for, man.

That’s what I want, and I’m willing to die to get it because it’s the only relief I know. Using’s like breathing to me. So I come into this meeting thinking, “I’ve stopped. What do you got?” Now, I didn’t come here because I wanted what you had.

I came here because I could no longer live with what I had. I knew nothing about what you had, but that did not… I, I, I am contempt prior to investigation. I had great contempt for AA having never been there.

I knew about that place, that A and A place. I knew about those people. Sad, pathetic sheep. Couldn’t pull it together.

They said go or die, so okay, I’ll check it out, and I’m sitting in the back. But I still got, I still got my mind working. My mind has not recovered at all. I’ve stopped, but I don’t know anything about staying stopped.

That’s the deal around here, find a way to stay stopped, and the only way a guy like me is gonna stay stopped is if I can be relieved of the obsession of the mind. I can’t walk around with that beast whispering at me all the time, huh? Doing my newcomer mantra, man. How you doing?

Fine. How you doing? Fine. I can’t live like that, man.

I gotta be rid of the beast, ’cause someday… Life’s on life’s terms, man, and when the shit hits the fan and I discover I ain’t in charge of the fan- … and there’s, I just g- it’s happening, right? It’s gonna line up just right, and he’s gonna whisper, and I’m gonna listen, and I’m gonna be one of those guys downtown think, “How did my life go away in 14

days? How did my whole life go away, and how did I become a slave to the beast again?” Because I blinked, right? Because I did not address my, the, my illness. That I did not address the obsession of my mind, the greater aspect.

You didn’t see it, but I was here, I wasn’t here, and then I was back. So I’m sitting in the back, and they get up, and they, and they, and this old-timer gets up, and he shares his experience, strength, and hope. I didn’t know that’s what he was doing, but it was like he reached right inside me.

Right? First meeting I went to. Um, he talked openly and honestly about his feelings as a man. He, uh, um…

And he did it with a grace and a dignity that I had never seen. I mean, he was putting things together, aspects of being human together, that I had never seen together before. And then it was like he looked right at me and he said, “And I don’t care whether you like what I got to say or not. You don’t like it?

Go to another meeting.” And I loved that because it made it clear to me this guy wasn’t selling me something, he was sharing it with me. If I wanted it, I could have it. It was for free. If I didn’t want it, that’s cool, go to another meeting.

Maybe you’ll hear somebody you can identify with. And it was like this little pilot light just went on inside me, and I went from a hopeless alcoholic drug addict to an alcoholic and a drug addict with a little tiny bit of hope. And I think that is the greatest gift one of us can ever give to another, is hope.

I mean, if you’re of the hopeless variety, man, you know what I’m talking about. That to, to have hope that maybe somehow, some way, not that you could live a good, meaningful life, but just that you don’t have to go back into the madness anymore. You don’t have to dance with that beast ever again, one day at a time. So, I mean, I cried all the way home and paced in my little one-room apartment, right?

So I got my hour of sleep I was getting by then. Got up and went to work so I could get tired enough to go to a meeting and sit and try to listen, try to retain some of the stuff. I couldn’t retain anything. And they said, “Get a sponsor.” And I said, “What’s a sponsor?” And they said, “A sponsor’s somebody who’s got what you want.” And I said, “Well, I would like to use.” If

I’m gonna be honest around, that’s what I would like to use. So maybe it’s a little early to be throwing the ball back in my court. And I have since come to believe that I want a sponsor who’s got what he wants. That’s a pretty good definition of happiness, wanting what you’ve got.

And this guy… And I found this guy, the Magic Man, man. I mean, the late, great Donald Madden, and he was bigger than life, and he was passionate, and that’s what I wanted. I wanted to feel strongly about something again.

I hadn’t… I couldn’t… I was dead inside. There was nothing going on inside me.

I couldn’t feel anything, and he was so alive, and, and, and this… And, and he wasn’t afraid to say, “This thing, this recovery matters to me.” And I went to him and I said, “Will you sponsor me?” And he said, “Yeah, I’ll sponsor you, and you don’t have to like what I tell you, and you don’t have to think it’s a good idea. You just have to do it.” And I thought, “Fair enough.” Right?

So we went to a meeting and he said, “They make 550 cups of coffee in this meeting every Friday night. You’re gonna make them for the next year.” And I said what any self-respecting newcomer would say. I said, “Fuck you.” I said, “What?

I’m the grunt? I’m the new guy?” Right? “So you bring me in, here’s your free labor. Here’s your slave labor.

That’s the job I get? What kind of outfit you running here, man? I got a few thoughts on this.” And he went, “Oh. Earl, we do not want what you have.” “Believe it’s the other way around.

If you don’t wanna do it, fine, go drink.” And I said, “You see? There’s, there’s no talking to you people. I’m trying to have a-” “… I’m trying to have a little conversation, and you go right to the drinking thing.

Fine, I’ll make your goddamn coffee.” So I start making the coffee. I didn’t understand. He said it to me in a way a newcomer can understand it. “Make the coffee or die, you little shit.” Right?

And I, I was like, “Got it.” All right? “I’m making coffee.” He could’ve said, “Look, Earl, you know, we don’t know you yet. We don’t know you well enough to like you, but we love you ’cause we can see the death in your eyes. We know who you are.

We know where you’ve come from, and we’re gonna do everything we can for you. And right off the bat, we’re gonna give you one of the coolest things we can give you in the fellowship. We’re gonna give you the opportunity to be of service, to get out of self and be of service to someone else. We’ve been around you just a little while, Earl, but we recognize you probably never thought about anybody but yourself your entire life.

We’re gonna give you the opportunity to get out of self, a self-centered, frightened place you’ve lived for so long, that painful, lonely prison of self. We’re gonna get you out of that, and for about four hours every Friday night, you’re gonna be so focused on our coffee and serving the w- the meeting, you won’t be thinking about you. And less you, Earl, more God. Less you, more God.

Less you, more God. We’re gonna make a doorway. We’re gonna open the door up to let something other than self be in your life. And you’re gonna feel better, ’cause action,” this is, by the way, a program of action, “brings about change.” Action brings about change.

Thinking brings about more thinking. I, I got asked early on. I said, well, we… I wanted to talk about it.

And they said, “Earl, do you wanna talk? Do you wanna understand why you feel so bad, or do you want to feel better? Pick.” ” ‘Cause if you wanna talk about all your, the p- if you would like to focus on the problems and really work them out, we can come to an understanding of, probably before you die.” “We’ll come to a pretty good understanding of why you feel so bad.

Or we can take action,” right? “And you will feel better because this action will bring about a change in your life that is directly applicable to the problem you have, Earl, alcoholism and drug addiction.” Right? He didn’t explain all that to me, ’cause it would’ve just gone He just said, “Do it or die, you little shit.” And I was like, “Uh, you know, thanks for the choice.”

And I made the coffee. I did that commitment for six months before I figured out I feel better on Friday nights. When I would drive home, I felt better. I got real crazy with that commitment, man.

I had that stuff laid out. I had my condiment table, and I went out Wednesday with my checklist, and I got my little swizzle sticks, and I got the tea, and the creamer, and the fake stuff, and the real stuff, and I got it all lined up. And I’m making coffee and drinking coffee while I’m make…

you know, for a couple hours. When everybody gets, they get there, I’m so jacked up. I’m like a- Pit bull next to mine. Some guy comes in, gets his coffee, swizzling it, lays it on the table, just like .

That’s not where that goes, bro. People are in the back of me going, “Who’s the coffee dude, man?” “Man’s a l- little tense.” I was a little tense. And I got through, you know?

And I, I mean, by the time… Look Here’s the deal, as far as I’m concerned. This is the heart and soul of all of this, you know? ‘Cause it’s blah, blah, blah, story, story, stories we all heard, all right?

I’m gonna get out of my life. I gotta talk about, um, what Jimmy couldn’t get. What he couldn’t get. See, we got this…

I’ma get to CA ’cause I was at it right at the beginning, first meetings of CA. Um, I was one of the first speakers in CA, about two and a half years clean. And, uh, they had the first meetings, and I went to a meeting, and I was two and a half years clean, and there was a- about 15, 20 people in the meeting, and nobody in there had 45 days. There wasn’t a four– nobody in there had 45 days, and they thought I’s been sober forever.

And I mean, this guy said to me, “Now, they’re looking to you, Earl,” and I’m two and a half years old, and I’m out of my mind. And I’m thinking- “We’re fucked if they’re looking-” And the funny part is, my sponsor thought it was all real funny ’cause he knew. I had no idea what I had yet ’cause I, I didn’t know.

I hadn’t been at the podium, you know what I mean? I didn’t, I didn’t say anything to anybody for the first couple, couple years I was here. I was too sick, too crazy. I didn’t know that I had anything.

All of a sudden, this stuff’s flying out of my mouth from the podium I didn’t even know was in there ’cause I had been listening. Like, it was a lifeline in those meetings, man, listening to what those guys said. And the thing is, is that there’s this circle with the triangle, the original 12-step symbol. It’s an ancient spiritual symbol that stands for mind, body, and spirit brought together as a whole human being, and therein lies the balance I’ve sought my whole life and never had.

That’s what that symbol means, and it’s the same thing in here, the unity, the service, and the recovery, the work that we do, how we engage this path. The unity is the body. I bring it here because I couldn’t get sober, but we seem to be able to. We clean up together.

Couldn’t do it by myself, but I can do it with you ’cause I can look in your eyes, and I know you’re my people. I live in another country. I come here. I don’t c– I know who you are.

I know what– ’cause I know what it takes to get that seat, you know? And I, and I notice the things you’ve been laughing at. You’re a disturbed group. Whoo!

Just like me. The unity is the body. I bring it here. I have to be with my people.

So I go to regular meetings regularly. In my town, you can go to a meeting every night for 10 years and never go to the same meeting twice, and when you go out and use and die, no one will say, “Where’s Ed? Where’s Earl?

Where’s Patty? Where’s Louie?” They won’t say that ’cause no one will know you. I will have not have become a part of the fellowship. I go to regular meetings regularly.

There’s three meetings a week I go to that I’m at every week, and those people know me on a consistent, ongoing basis. They’ve become family for me. They’re the ones that I can go to. I can walk in the door, and they say, “How you doing?” I say, “Fine.” They say, “Get over here” …

’cause they know I’m lying right there. They know me well enough to call me on it, and they’ve earned the right in my life to do that to me. They’ve earned it, to s- step up to me and say, um, “You seem to be unusually full of shit today, Earl.” “You all right? Would you like to talk about it?” So- …

unity is the body. I bring it here, right? Recovery is of the mind, the greater aspect of my disease. If I do not disease with the obsessive nature– if I don’t deal with the obsessive nature of my mind, I will never get comfortable clean, and if I don’t get comfortable clean, I’m not gonna stay.

Sooner or later, life on life’s terms will happen, and the bell will ring, and I’m gone. And I know that about me. I know that. I will not stay restless, irritable, and discontented for the rest of my life, particularly when I know, because there were those who came before me.

Those who came before me looked me in the eye and said, “You do not have to suffer sober. You do not have to. You do not have to wrestle with that beast anymore. If you take this simple program and the toolkit that we offer you, when you do this, Earl, you will not have to suffer.” And I– it was an undeniable truth, and you all know exactly

what I’m talking about. You know when somebody tells you the truth. You may not like what they’re telling you, but you know it’s true. ‘Cause we know the truth when we hear it.

We say it so seldom. When it’s told to us, we hear it. And there it is. I f– I must relieve myself of the obsession of the mind so I can walk the earth a free man.

I don’t want to be a slave anymore. I don’t want to carry the ball and chain of the beast with me everywhere I go, waiting for life on life’s terms to happen, just take my head off. How do I de– how do I– then how– what’s the recovery? It’s working the 12 steps.

That’s what it’s for. Step one is what’s the problem? Lack of power is my dilemma. Left to my own devices, I will drink and use.

It’s just the way it is. If that’s my problem, lack of power, what’s my solution? Step two, that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity, soundness of mind, relieve me of the obsession to use. Free man.

I’m in. What do you want me to do? Well, step three, Earl, pull the trigger. Get down on y– I haven’t even left the house.

I’m on the couch. Step one, that’s the problem. Step two, gonna have to be. Tried everything else.

Step three, get down on my knees, turn my will and my life over to the care of God. Well, we got a problem here. ‘Cause see, I have renounced God. I don’t believe in God.

Now, I’m discussing this with my sponsor and ranting and raving about God, and he, he just turned and looked at me, and I w– I, and he was smiling, and I should’ve known he was about to do something to me he was really gonna enjoy. And he looked at me and he said, “Earl, you can’t be mad at a God you don’t believe in.” And I just went, “I gotta go home.” That just messed up my whole day, man. Gotta rethink the whole God thing now.

Ugh. So I ended up– I got on my knees, and I turned my will and my life over to the care of a God I did not understand and I do not understand to this day. I don’t pretend or profess to understand God. I see evidence of God in my life on a daily basis.

I do. Doesn’t mean I understand what’s going on. I’m comfortable not knowing what’s going on. I mean, if you think about it, it’s very egocentric.

You know, I used to be the kind of guy that was like, if I didn’t know what was going on, I was like, “Okay, everybody freeze. I don’t know what’s going on.” The inference being, if I don’t know what’s going on, something must be terribly wrong. The fact of the matter is, I don’t know what’s going on, all that means is, is I don’t know what’s going on. Everything could be fine.

I just don’t know what’s going on. Now people, a lot of time people ask me, “What’s going on?” I say, “I don’t know.” Do I need to? Do I need to always know what’s going on?

I don’t think so. There’s a freedom in that, man, you can’t believe. “What’s going on?” “Beats me.” “You think we should be doing this?” “Going okay so far, yeah, let’s do this.” “If something catches on fire, we’ll change the plan.” Um, so I step three, I turn my will and my life over to the care of a God I don’t understand, and I immediately embark upon,

as the book tells me, a program of action, a plan of action that will bring about the solution of step two into my life, that I will be restored to sanity, soundness of mind, that I will be relieved of the obsession of mind, because I have not been relieved of that yet. I’m walking around with the beast whispering in my meetings, and, you know, if I’d have been honest in meetings, I would’ve gone, you know, “Yo, Bobby, beast talking.” “Beast talking’s so loud, I- I’m surprised you can’t hear him.

He’s barking.” That’s actually an excellent thing to say if you’re ever in a meeting, right? Because everybody will know what you’re talking about- -number one, and, um, pisses the beast off. Beast doesn’t like the spotlight. You say, “Oh, beast talking,” beast is like, “Hey, hey, hey.

Hey.” “I thought we were having a private conversation. If you’re gonna act like this, I’m just gonna have to bow out.” Anyway, so that four or five is me, six and seven is God, and eight and nine is you.

Nobody else to play with. That covers the team right there. Four and five I sw- I’m gonna talk about it in the morning, so I’m not gonna get real into it, but four and five I swallow large chunks of truth about myself, right? Because this isn’t about…

There’s barriers between me and you and me and God, and I put them there. So I gotta start over here, because I don’t sit around waiting for God to break down the walls and come save me. Or you, my, my, my, my, my co-dependent community out there- -right? To break down the walls and save poor dying Earl.

I built them, I’ll take them down. Four and five is me, six and seven, God. I ask God to remove the defects of character, because I’ll remove the wrong stuff. It’s pretty simple .

Eight and nine… Now, there’s a lot of conversation in the book in eight and nine because they’re actually letting me out of the house on nine. I have not left the house yet. I’m one, two on the couch, three get on the floor, do the deal, back up on the couch.

Four and five, five, somebody comes over. Before I got to read it to this guy, he says, “Good luck.” He leaves. Six and seven, a little help over here, right? Eight, preparing.

Nine, out the house. A lot of conversation because they’re letting me out into the community, and this can be a very problematic event. It’s very simple. I’m very, very sorry.

Here’s your money, back in the house. Right? And since… A- amends means to change, right?

So I’m very, very… I stole your car. I estimate the value of your car at twenty thousand at the time of the theft. Here’s a check, and if that’s acceptable to you, I will give you a check every month until I have paid off that twenty thousand.

And I will not go steal your car and sell it to pay you for the car I stole from you. So ten, 11, and 12, same thing. Keep me in the game.

Ten me, 11 God, 12 you. I continue to take personal inventory and when wrong promptly admit it, because I just scratched the surface. See, when you s… And, you know, I remember being new and thinking, “Okay, y- you got 12 steps?

All right. All right. Let’s see, one all the way to tw- 12. All right, I got that.

What else you got?” “We gotta do those.” “I just did.” “Lovely. Lovely. What else you got?” I didn’t know. I didn’t know there’s worlds within worlds there.

I didn’t know that it opens you up. I didn’t know that the action of taking the 12 steps brings about change, and that that change would give me a new perspective, a new way of looking at the world, a new way of, of being with myself, of being with God, of being with others. And that when I would come back to step one…

See, you don’t have to worry about doing the steps over and over and over and over again. Nobody does the same steps over and over and over and over and over again. Nobody. Can’t be done.

It can’t be done. Because you work through those 12 steps, that will bring about a change. It will affect a change in you as a human being. You come back to step one, you’re looking at it from another angle.

It’s a whole new step. Yeah. And then you go on through, and the change, you go deeper and deeper and deeper. Look, when I was out there, I was a pig, man.

I, I needed the big buzz. I’m not into some little bitty baby buzz. I’ve never been one of those guys that said, “No, thank you, I’ve had enough.” Never said that. I’m gonna be…

I want the b… If there’s a buzz in here, I want the big buzz. I want the big buzz. I wanna look out of my skull from a different angle.

I want the light. I wanna be free. I wanna be free. And the only way that’s gonna happen is if I get to business.

I gotta take actions. I gotta chop the wood and carry the water of recovery. That’s what I gotta do. So what do you want?

I’m picking this water up, and I’m gonna carry it over there and drop it in that tub, then I’m gonna pick up that water, and I’m gonna bring it over here and drop it in this tub. And what are you gonna do again? I’m gonna repeat that. That sounds terrible, doesn’t it?

Chop the wood and carry… Okay, what are you doing? Um, chopping the wood, carrying the water. How’s the sobriety?

Uh, it’s a miracle. It’s lovely. It ain’t like that. Contempt prior to investigation.

The only thing that will keep a man in everlasting ignorance is contempt prior to investigation. Herbert Spencer. I’m a third edition guy. What’s that?

Page 576, something like that. Second appendix, spiritual experience, end of it. That’s where it is. All right?

I had to read that over and over and over and over again. Got it Don’t got it. Got it. Don’t got it.

So I work– I, I do that 10, me, 11, God. I seek God. Action step. Through prayer and meditation.

What do I pray for? Knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry that out. Why do I meditate? To quiet my mind so that when the answers come, I can hear them, ’cause the answers come in the form of a feeling.

We all have a moral compass, a moral psychology. I, I’m not into right and wrong. That’s just not my thing. I’m into actions that are beneficial to self and others, and actions that are harmful to self and others, and I know the difference between those things in my soul, inside me, and

if I sit and I be still and I be quiet, I can come to those answers, right? That, that are given to me by something beyond self. Something beyond self, and I can take the action that is beneficial for self and others in my life, ’cause that’s what I want to– that’s what I aspire to. It’s not who I am.

It’s who I– what I aspire to, and I’m getting– I’m doing okay. I’ve been only– I only been clean 23 years. I got work to do, ’cause I’ve seen along the way that it gets better and better and better. I’ve had some horrible days sober, but I’ve had 23 wonderful years because the process of life and the process of recovery have become the same for me.

Something that… A process neither of which was ever available to me until I came to you, the recovering people. The ones who would take somebody who was of absolutely no value to himself or anybody else on the planet and extend the hand and say, “Just do this with us.

We won’t tell you, we’ll show you. We will show you.” And you did. So Unity’s the body. I bring it here.

I must be with my fellows. Unity, the recoveries of the mind, the 12 steps. Step 12, having had a spiritual awakening as the result of working these steps, having been restored to sanity, relieved of the obsession of drink and use, I can work the third side of the triangle, the spiritual service.

How can I help? So I don’t come to meetings anymore to see what you got for me. I come to meetings looking for the opportunity, the buzz, the big buzz of being able to be of service to you. Not ’cause I’m a good guy, ’cause I don’t wanna die drunk.

I don’t wanna die with a needle in my arm. I don’t wanna die with blistered lips and a crack pipe in my hand. I don’t wanna die like that. I wanna walk the earth a free man, and this is the way that I can…

This goes so far past not drinking and using. It’s unbelievable. It is a design for living. There’s a buzz…

The only reason any of us stay a long time is ’cause there’s a buzz here that beats any buzz out there. It’s where you can wake up at any moment Practice these principles and carry the message. I am sponsored.

Actively sponsored. I have a sponsor. Um, I was with Donald till the day he died. At 3:00 at– We were waiting for them to come get the body, and I heard his voice in my head said, “You cannot be left unattended.” And I called up Al, and

Al sponsored me for six years, and I moved across town. And I was sitting in a meeting and I looked across the room and Luther the Samurai was sitting there, man. Luther, this little man, he’s a, he’s a samurai. He’s the kind of guy that’s so genuine and so loving and so tolerant and so powerful as a result of the love that’s in him that

he walks into the room and everybody just feels better. So the Sam, he’s my sponsor now. He’s my sponsor now and I, and I defer to his thinking, ’cause it’s important for me to be willing to defer to the thinking of another man. Okay, how long I’m sober?

I’m 23, but you know what– 23 years clean, but you know what? I stop doing the things that I’m suggesting here tonight, what do you think’s gonna happen to me? You got– You know my story. I won’t last long.

I won’t. I’m not a middle-of-the-road kinda guy. I’m kind of an extreme human being, you know what I mean? And if the light goes out of this for me, I become a gypsy, man, and I’m wandering and I am lost, and the beast will rediscover me because he sleeps within.

He sleeps within. He has no effect on me at all today, right? But I know he’s there, ’cause I know who I am, and I don’t need to, to debate alcoholic, drug addict, not, maybe. Please.

The evidence is clear, you know? So service, so I be a s– So I, I’m of service, and my life today is a remarkable thing. We’ve been laughing and stuff in here, you know? The healing laughter, being together, that we have purpose and we have value now, and I did not have that when I got here.

I got… This the kinda life I got. I’m married. I’m married to a remarkable woman.

She’s part of the redemption of my life because she has pieces of humanity that I do not have. She does, right? So I learn from her, and I have pieces that she doesn’t have, right? And we grow.

We’ve been together almost six years. She’s just r- she’s remarkable. I mean, the fact that I’m married at all is amazing, right? But I’m, I’m married to somebody I actually know.

And we– And I have a career, and I have creative outlets, and I travel all over the world, and I faced my worst fear. It was a, a 10-hour flight here and I’m, I… Y-you can imagine as a result of my experience I hate to fly.

I’m a terrified flyer. The plane goes bump, man, bad pictures come into my head and I get terrified. I get absolutely terrified when I fly. I never sleep on a plane.

It’s just a horrible experience for me. But I also, to, to balance that in my life, I know when I get on a plane, I know I’m willing to go to any lengths to stay sober. Because I will get on a plane and I will face my worst fear, and I will go anywhere that I am asked when it comes from people like you. I will…

I have never met you, but I knew I loved you. We love you too. The thing I could not do, the thing on that mountain in Mexico was I swore I would never love another human being again as long as I live.

And there’s no way I’m ever gonna tell you who I am. So you can’t love me because I won’t tell you who I am. I won’t do it. And the 12-step community and the 12-step process cracked me wide open.

I was defenseless in the face of this , you know? And now I’m loving and being loved. Now I’m blubbering like a fool in front of God knows how many people. People are stacked up on the shelves and the rafters Jesus Christ.

But I am a free man. You know, I’ve got all the stuff. I have a sense of family and community, the things I couldn’t have. Here’s what my life is now.

Today, I’m sitting… My wife and I bought a house. I never stay anywhere long enough to buy a house. She got a house.

And I’m– We, like, move in. Nice little Spanish house. Very cool. Got neighbors.

They have no idea. I’m shaking hands over the fence. “How you doing?” Everybody got a front lawn. Front lawns.

Looking down the block, beautiful lawns, right? And I think, “Sh– I gotta, I gotta, like, water this or something.” You know, because that’s how you spot the addict, the dead lawn, right? Nice lawn, nice lawn, nice lawn, addict, nice lawn, nice lawn, nice… So I gotta water this g- lawn, right?

So I get the hose out, and I got the hose, and I’m watering the lawn, right? I’m throwing the water around. I don’t know what’s going on here. And it’s like four thirty in the afternoon, and there’s sycamore trees on my street.

And the t- and the light’s coming through the trees in the afternoon, and it’s hitting the plants, and the water’s on the plants. And it’s kinda throwing that little prism li- of light off of the plants. And I’m thinking, “This is kinda cool.” And I’m looking at this and I’m going, “You know, if I’m not mistaken, these plants are alive.” ‘Cause I don’t consider these sort of things, you know?

And it just kinda hits me that this stuff is alive. And then I thought, “You know what? And if I’m not mistaken, plants breathe in carbon dioxide and breathe out oxygen. I, on the other hand, standing right here, am breathing out the carbon dioxide and in the oxygen.

We got a little thing going here.” A little more water for you, my brother. A little more water for you, my sister. I’m catching a buzz. Now, a car drives by, sees a man on the lawn watering plants.

I know what’s happening. There’s an addict on the lawn catching a buzz with a few friends. So what I’m saying to you is, is that that was… I could not feel anything before I got to you.

I didn’t think it was an exciting night unless I’d heard the bullet go by. ‘Cause it was an extreme moment, and it would like, “Whoa, that was exciting.” I could feel that ’cause I was so dead. Now, I get to marvel in the ordinary.

I’m out of the prison of my mind, and I am into life. And I can marvel in the ordinary. I do not have to water my plants, I get to. I get to choose how I see it.

It’s all up to me. I can choose good day, bad day. I can choose completely reasonable, unreasonable. And the consequences of my decisions will come to me as they do to everyone else.

It’s a remarkable way of living. And the thing that I often wonder about is, I mean, we live in this world, you know? I’m in a, I’m in a foreign land, right? And since I was up all night, I was thinking it over.

And we’re in a foreign land. And the world– So much is going on in the world. And it is my nature to talk about what they are doing.

What my president, whom may I point out, we never actually elected. Um, what they are doing. What are they doing?

And I think, “Why should I worry about what they’re doing? What am I doing?” I’m, I have access to one of the most remarkable spiritual paths moving across this planet today. I am a part of a fellowship. What I can do is I can be peace.

What I can do is I can speak peace. What I can do is make an oath as a man to a non-violent life. What I can do is bring that to the world as a quiet man, as a gentle man, because I wanna be strong enough to be gentle with myself and gentle with others.

There’s a, there’s between two and three million of us on this planet. And I want– What I want is our code. I want to demonstrate our code. I don’t need to run around outside going, “Hey, alcoholic drug addict, we got this code.” No.

It’s Cocaine Anonymous. It’s Alcoholics Anonymous. I wanna go outside and say, “I am a man, and I walk this earth a free man, and mine is a code of love and tolerance.” Tolerance of self and tolerance of others ’cause I am, I was…

It is my nature to be so intolerant of myself and of, of others, and to let the fear creep back into my life. And the fear caused me to react to the world instead of respond to it. I can’t come from a place of love and a place of fear at the same time. Can’t do it.

I wanna embrace this earth as a loving, tolerant man. That’s what I want. That thing I could never find. So this is way past not drinking and using.

It is a design for living. How I do that is I work the three sides of the triangle, mind, body, and spirit, balance as a whole human being. Unity is the body. I bring it here.

Recovery is of the mind. I work the steps, and I’m relieved of the obsession of drink and use. I’m free. And then I am of service.

I am of service in here on a regular basis. I sponsor legions of people. And I am of service in my community because I bring what you have given me out into the world. I want to be that.

I don’t want to think about that. I don’t wanna talk about that. I wanna be that. And that will change everything.

That will change everything. One at a time, we just change everything. And maybe the, the thing everybody says is impossible can happen, where I don’t just come into meetings and hug you, but I walk into the market and I hug the grocer, and they get it.

You know, that we’re not afraid anymore, you know? I love you. Peace to the UK. Thanks.