Hi, everybody. My name is Earl. I’m an alcoholic. I’d like to thank Sheldon and Jackie for coming to pick me up at the airport, wherever you are.

Thank you very much for that. That was– There you are. Thank you very much for that. I’d like to thank the committee for asking me to come and share.

Always an honor and a privilege to do this. I have friends in the room. That is really nice to see. I’ve been– I haven’t been home in a long time, and it’s really nice to be back.

Um… All right, then. I started drinking when I was twelve. I started drinking when I was twelve years old.

I had been restless I had been restless, irritable, and discontented for some time. For several years prior to that, I, uh, It was way overdue. It was way overdue. Um…

My, uh– How it happened was, was that, uh, well, actually, when I was a, when I was a little kid, like four or five years old, I used to sleepwalk. I’d get up, and I’d walk through the house, and I’d turn the lights on as I’d walk through the house, and I’d go and stand at the foot of my parents’ bed and wake them up and talk about all kinds of strange and mysterious things and scare the hell out of my parents. When I was done, I’d walk back When I was done, I’d walk back to the house, turn the lights off as I go back to my room and get in my bed. My parents decided My parents decided this is not normal.

Had a bunch of tests done on me, and the answer that they came up with was every night before I’d go to sleep, they’d give me a tablespoon of this liquid and knock me out. Uh, answered the problem. No more sleepwalking. And I think subconsciously, I filed the information at a very early age that if things aren’t going the way you want them to, take something.

Filed that away Uh, filed that away. Went into my– the rest of my childhood, which was sort of a black hole for me. I don’t really remember that much of it, and I’ve been sober long enough that I don’t go looking under rocks anymore. If I need to know, it’ll come.

I ain’t looking. And, uh, twelve years old, they did a bunch more tests on me, and they decided that I had this very high IQ. I don’t have it anymore, so I’m not bragging. That’s long gone.

So they decided that– My father decided it was time for me to become a man, and they shipped me off to boarding school. I was twelve years old, five feet tall, about a hundred and four pounds. I was a man. And, uh, so, uh, they took me to this place and dropped me off.

I didn’t even know where we were going. It was just one of those days where he said, “Get in the car.” You know? And we got in the car, and it was like my– There were uncles there, and stuff was going on. There was this caravan.

We drove for hours at this place, and we pulled up, and I got out of the car. My father got out of the car, and nobody else got out of the cars. You know? And he put a suitcase down next to me and shook my hand and said, “This will make a man out of you,” and turned around and got back in the car and drove off.

I was in boarding school I was in boarding school, and it turns out that there were two hundred and fifty kids from all over the planet. They had scoured the Earth to find the brightest, most disturbed young boys they could find. And threw us all on this campus. It was like a think tank.

And I was the youngest and the smallest kid in the entire school. Um, everybody was thirteen to eighteen, and I was the only twelve-year-old. And that doesn’t mean anything to anybody but a twelve-year-old, right? When you’re twelve, what do you wanna be?

A teenager. You know? And everybody else was, and I was. I’m the odd man out.

I, I was a loser the second I got there. You know what I mean? It’s like, “I don’t belong here. I don’t fit.

This is crazy.” And I was nuts for like three days, calling home, “Get me out of here. Get me out of here. Get me out of here.” “No, no, no, you’re staying.” And I, and I– That’s about my limit for pain is about seventy-two hours. And something just clicked inside me, and I said, “You know what?

You don’t want me. I don’t want you.” And I turned my back on my family and, and for the most part, never went back. When I was twelve And, uh, so I was twelve years old in this new environment. No tools for living.

I mean, who needed them at twelve? You know? I’m- Walking around And, uh, walking around with my books and, uh, I met Tiny. And every high school’s got a guy named Tiny.

You know, six-four, two-forty, guard on the football team. You know? I didn’t find– Tiny found me. I didn’t find Tiny.

Tiny came up and said, “How you doing, punk?” And slapped me in the back of the head, sent my books flying. And I had this, like, out-of-body experience, you know, where you- You’re watching yourself do something while your head’s saying, “This is a very bad idea.” And I walked up, and I hit Tiny as hard as I could and then just stood there. I mean, it had no effect on him whatsoever, you know?

He just looked down at me, and I looked up at him. And I was just sort of feeling like, “You know, you’re gonna have to take it from here ’cause I’m already past anything I know anything about.” And he looked down at me. He said, “You got a lot of guts, kid.” And then he beat the crap out of me right on the spot. And I remember thinking as I’m taking this beating, “This is going pretty good.” It’s going pretty good

because the fact of the matter is I was absolutely terrified of this guy, and he had just said to me, “You got a lot of guts.” The violence had masked my fear. That was my first tool for living. Something frightens you? Attack it.

And I became an extremely violent human being, not because I’m a tough guy or a bad guy. I never have been. I never will be. It’s not who I am.

It’s because I was a very, very frightened individual out there, and I was like– I behaved like a cornered animal. So I went back to my room So I went back to my room. I was sitting in the dormitory waiting for the bleeding to stop. Word spread And word spread across this campus like wildfire.

“Watch out for this little Hightower kid. He’s a maniac. He attacked Tiny.” So it’s just getting worse. You know what I mean?

It’s like now I’m getting a reputation as this little wild man, and all I am is this petrified little child, right? Getting beat up. And the cool guys came around. Matt came by.

Matt came by and, and came in my room, and he said to me, uh, “You wanna smoke a joint?” And I said, “Yeah.” And I didn’t– I had no idea what he was talking about. I had no idea what that meant. All I– What I heard was, “You wanna hook up with us?” And the answer was, “Yeah.” I didn’t care where he was going, what he was doing, man.

As far as I could tell, I was alone in the universe. My family had just thrown me away, and they knew me better than anybody in the world. They threw me– “Yeah, I’ll go with you.” He could’ve said, “We’re gonna go kill a Spanish teacher. Do you wanna come?” I’d have said, “Yeah.

Let’s go.” Make no difference to me. And we went by, and we picked up, uh, Steve. And Steve had a Tupperware container wrapped in aluminum foil. I had no idea what that was about.

So we go behind the dorm. We’re standing behind this tree. Steve’s 13, Matt’s 13, I’m 12. Matt fires up this joint and takes a hit off it, hands it to me, and I just did what he did.

I don’t know why we’re doing this. Steve very carefully unwraps the tinfoil, and there’s some cheap red wine in a Tupperware container. I mean, you know what? No grapes involved.

You know what I mean? The good stuff, you know? That fortified stuff. Drink it through a straw and hallucinate stuff, right?

He took a pull, and I took a pull, and the joint’s going, and the wine’s going, and I’m looking at these two total strangers thinking, “What is going on?” And it happened. That thing that makes me bodily different from my fellows occurred, man. This warm feeling went down into my shoes and kinda came up over me, and for the first time in my life, I was comfortable standing where I was standing, doing what I was doing with the people I was doing it with.

I had never felt that way before in my life. Everything was just fine. If you’d said to me, “Weren’t you just deeply concerned about 17 different things here just a moment ago?” I would’ve said, “Yeah, I’m sorry. You got the wrong person.

I have no memory of being worried about anything, man.” “I feel great.” And, uh, and I didn’t know what it was. I don’t know. Is it this pot thing? Is it this wine?

You know, is it that I’m standing here on the edge of a forest? Is it the fact that I’m here with my two closest personal friends, Matt and Steve? You know, I don’t know what it is. All I know is I’m doing this as often as I possibly can, you know?

All those little things, you know, marijuana leads to heroin, drink and you’ll end up in the gutter. You know, all those things just went poof. ‘Cause I didn’t– nobody went to jail that night. Nobody died, you know?

Nobody got cut. Nothing bad happened. Nobody went to the nuthouse. I just felt better than I’d ever felt.

That’s all. There was no downside in the beginning, and that was the magic that I chased for the next 16 years on a daily basis, no matter what. Thirteen was simple. Thirteen was just pills.

The only reason I took a pill is somebody said, “Would you like a couple of these?” And I said, “Well, yeah. I would.” So I took them, and 20 minutes later I’m laying on the floor and I’m very happy there. One more time. I’m really, really happy on the floor.

I didn’t see if there, there was a problem. I wasn’t bothering anybody. Nobody was bothering me. It was very, very good.

And, uh, I mean, it was, you know, Tuinal, Seconal, Placidyl, all that stuff. Did all that. Um- Psychedelics … fourteen was psychedelics.

The only reason I did the psychedelics was because, uh, I was out on a 10-hour pass from this boarding school, and this girl, Debbie. Debbie. Debbie, I was — Debbie was an older woman. She was 15.

And she was a bad girl. And I had such respect for Debbie. I did, man. Debbie was a new, a brave new world, man, and you know, I was in, I was in awe of Debbie.

And Debbie said, uh, “You wanna drop some acid?” And I said, “Well, yeah.” Once again, having no idea what people are talking about. And she took out a lipstick tube, and she spun it up, and on the end of it was this little tiny pill, and I thought that was very clever the way she did it. It was– and she handed it to me, and I took it, and I put it in my mouth, and I swallowed it. And she said, “Uh, did you take that whole thing?” And I said, “Well, yeah.

It was a very tiny pill.” It was, you know, I’m used to these horse caps I’m knocking down every day. It’s a very tiny pill. And she said, “That was three hits of white lightning.” Oh. Oh, I see there’s a little identification in the room.

Yeah. Two guys in the back just went, “Oh.” Yeah. The last two days were- … really weird, man.

We went to the supermarket. I don’t, you know, there’s– you never ask why when somebody’s telling you what they did on that stuff. You know what I mean? It’s like, “Why’d you do this?” “I don’t know why I did that.” We went to the market.

We were pretending we were married. I don’t know why. And we were going down the cart, and I remember looking at her and saying, “Do we have children?” And she said, “Yes, we have two.” And I said, “Then we’re gonna need these diapers right here.” And I kinda went away right about there.

I don’t remember much else about it. But I know that to this day to go into a supermarket takes a real commitment on my part, you know what I mean? It’s like we’re going in. I have to have a list.

I have to know what I want. I go get it. ‘Cause there’s entirely too many decisions to make in those places. Um, I can go into a market and spend $300 and come out, and there is not one actual meal that you could make out of all this stuff.

Um, anyway, 15 I started shooting drugs only because I was at this party and this girl said, “Would you like me to stick this in your body?” And I said, “Well, yeah.” So she did, and I did like this. And all I remember thinking on the way down was, “Oh, yeah.” “That works.” “That works.” Just instantly.

What problems? No fear, no nothing, right? Now, I gotta say, identify as an alcoholic. I’m talking about drugs, and I mean no disrespect.

Drugs– I’m a child of the ’60s. We were, we were very focused on the drugs. Our parents were the alcoholics. We were carving out our own identity.

We weren’t gonna drink ourselves to death. We were gonna kill ourselves in a whole new way. We were, we w- you know? And it was, like, hip and fashionable, and we were the, we were the drug addicts.

You know? But I gotta tell you, my drug of choice was what do you got? You know what I mean? I was not a specialist, you know?

I was not. And I’ll tell you this, though. And having done my inventory work and looked back at my life, the drugs would come and go. I’d go to connect for some cocaine, and they didn’t have any, so I’d say, “Fine.

Give me the heroin.” You know what I mean? It’s like we’re all ready to go up. Can’t go up? Fine, then let’s go down.

I was not committed to a particular direction. You know what I mean? I wasn’t committed to it simply because the, it’s, it wasn’t that I needed to go up or I needed to go down. The goal was I gotta get out of right here right now.

That’s it. I just gotta get out of right here right now. ‘Cause right here right now are these feelings, and right here right now is this fear and this self-centered obsessive state of mind and this feeling that I’m not enough and I never will be. All this stuff’s going on right now, and I gotta get out of right now.

I gotta get out of here. That’s– That was my commitment, was out of here, not to any place in particular, just let’s go. And the drugs would come and go, and drug– There was only one thing that was on the table every single day, and that was booze. Booze was on the table every single day, and there’s only one reason for that as far as I’m concerned.

Drugs are extremely unreliable. Alcohol is extremely reliable. Extremely reliable. I mean, when, when– You’ve never gone and connected for some heroin and the dealer, you know, “Yeah, gimme, gimme, gimme all that.

Gimme a couple grams of that.” “Well, you know what? You know, it’s not really that good today. Why don’t you come back Thursday and we’ll see if we can have something a little better for you.” That never happened. Never happened.

“It’s always the best, the greatest. You may have to step on this again. Be real careful with this stuff, man. It’s wild.” Nobody ever said that.

You don’t know what you got till you get it in your body. You go out and get yourself a fifth of Jack Daniels, you know what you’ve got. You can count on it. It’s the best friend a guy like me ever had, ’cause there’s the bottle.

Okay, now we’re gonna mess around with this stuff, but, I mean, if I do so much cocaine I can’t get my mouth open anymore, just- You know? I’ve overshot the mark. That’s not a problem, man. I just suck a little gin through my teeth, and I get back into the comfort zone.

I’ll be back going to the party. Count on the booze. Booze will do it for you. Not enough heroin to get you to that quiet, dark, heart and lungs only working place?

You know what I mean? That place where it’s just, it’s you’ve shut it down and it’s good. Not enough? Don’t worry about it.

Jack Daniels will get you the rest of the way, get you where you need to get. It’s there. Acid’s a little too spooky this evening? Don’t worry.

Jack’s here. Get you right back where you need to be. Booze was the best friend. Booze was what I could count on, and in the end, that’s all there was for me.

That’s all there was for me. In the end, I used cocaine to keep me on my feet so that I could drink the way I wanted to drink, you know? When I get so sick I couldn’t drink anymore, I’d eat about a hundred and fifty milligrams of Valium a day just to get well enough to go back to drinking. You know, stop that shaking thing, you know?

Mr. Lobster walking in the room kind of days. So anyway, sixteen, I dropped out of high school. I’d had enough Latin, thank you.

Um, hit the streets. Well, first they threw me in a mental institution. My father said, “You’ve gone insane,” threw me in a mental institution. They wanted me for three months of observation and a year of rehabilitation.

I thought that was a little excessive. I tried to escape. They had exit signs like they have here, those– but they were green. Those green lit up exit signs, and I used to look at those and think, “That’s it.” They boiled it down to one word, man.

That’s all I want. I wanna exit. I hate this place. Taking my little three cups of pills a day and my one shot a day and shuffling around these hallways.

You know, having lunch with Kilday, who had made a conscious decision to go nuts and was very entertaining. Kilday was a very manic anime. They couldn’t calm this person down, man. She was just zing all the time.

And I liked to have– I would have all my meals with her ’cause every meal was like dinner and a show when you had them with Kilday. You know what I mean? It made it interesting. And I used and I used Kilday as my, as my diversion when I tried to escape, and I sent Kilday spinning in a manic phase that way,

and I’m sitting in the cafeteria, and I’m gonna break out of this place, right? And I said, “Ready, ready, ready, go.” You know? And I’m hauling ass. I mean, that’s all I got.

And I’m, I’m going– You know, your brain’s working fine. You’re going, “What the– That’s the first, like, move I’ve made since I’ve been in there,” and I’m thinking, “What’s wrong?” And you, and it’s… Well, it’s how you learn about Thorazine, right? And you hear it from the nurse’s station, “Uh, Lou, when you got a minute, do you wanna grab Earl?

He’s making a break for the door.” And Lou’s over there having a sandwich going, “Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’ll get him in a minute. He’s not gonna… I’m working.” Tools for living. My tools for living were drugs, alcohol, violence, and run.

And if you’re gonna get thrown in the mental in- you gotta get out before they get the Thorazine in you or you ain’t leaving till they say so. So the next time I got thrown in the nuthouse, I escaped the first day. And I was, at the time I was 16, 17 years old.

I was an alcoholic. I was a drug addict. I was a high school dropout. As I’m heading for the fence, I’m at any moment, hopefully, an escaped mental patient.

You know? That’s like my resume. That’s what I had to say for my life, because I’ve accomplished nothing. But I’m running for that fence, and I’m thinking, “If I make that fence, I don’t have any problems.” I don’t have any problems, ’cause if I make the fence, I’ll be loaded in 20 minutes, and that’s all that matters, ’cause I drink and use no matter what.

Given a good reason, I don’t stop. I had been– I was 16, 17 years old. I had already been given many reasons to stop. I was estranged from my family.

I had halted an excellent education. I was having difficulty, uh, uh, um, interacting with people at all, unless I was heavily medicated. Um, and I w- the fear was growing. The violence was growing.

My life was spinning out of control at a very young age, and still, all, all I knew was, was that this life works for me, and if I can just keep doing this, I’ll be okay. I hit the streets. I spent three years out on the streets. I ended up, uh, I was like 19 years old.

I met a woman at a party. We talked for 20 minutes. It went well, so we were in love. And we decided that we didn’t really have the Ozzie and Harriett kind of thing going, you know what I mean?

It was– And so what we were gonna do was I was gonna go to college, and there was an interview for a business college in Northern California, and I went on this interview. And, uh, he was a musician, so I was a musician. His favorite color was blue. It’s amazing.

My favorite color is blue. I just lined up with this guy, and, uh, by the end of the interview, he said, “You’ll be a fine addition to our campus in the fall.” Now, I’m a high school dropout, and I just got accepted to college, right? Standard behavior for an alcoholic. So I leave this interview, and I go back to see my father, and I said, “Look, I just got accepted to business college.

Uh, write me a year’s tuition check, and I’m leaving town.” He said, “Great.” Gave me the check. And we piled all our belongings and eight pounds of hash in the back of this truck and drove to Northern California to higher learning. And she got a straight job, and I became a drug dealer, and we got a little apartment, and I gotta, uh, did my GED stuff, got my high school diploma down at the local high school. Gave ’em a year’s tuition up front.

Told them transcripts were in the mail. They said, “Fine.” And, uh, after about six months, she couldn’t take it ’cause she said, “The way you use is frightening.” And I said, “Bye.” And she got in her– She took her stuff and went back to LA, and I was using the way I like to use. And I was going to college, and I was dealing drugs.

I mean, uh, you know, and things were pretty good. You know what I mean? I was studying marketing, production, distribution in college. My business was booming.

I thought, you know, I thought everything was just fine, man. I had no morals. I didn’t have any morals. I didn’t have any ethics.

I had no sense of family. I had no sense of community. I had no idea what it meant to be an honorable human being. Truth was something that was irrelevant in my life.

I mean, I lived– That was how I came up. I mean, I didn’t know about any of that stuff. It was not a concern to me. If you said to me, “You’re lying,” it didn’t, you know– So what?

What’s your point? I don’t care. I don’t wanna hang out with you. Fine.

I don’t care. I didn’t care. I, I, uh, interpersonal relationships are not something that was going on in me. I was a very solitary individual.

Um, I ended up high school diploma, junior in college, editor-in-chief of my college newspaper, early acceptance to USC Law School, had all the outside ducks lined up, had been diagnosed with malignant cancer, flew back to LA, had major surgery on my back. Doctors prepared me. They said, “You know, this is not good.” Prepared my family for me to die.

I just looked at ’em like, “You have no idea who you’re talking to.” Good. Might die. You know what I mean? People say that to me, like, twice a week.

The way I’m living. It’s like not– And that’s again, it’s like, so what? So what if I die? You know what I mean?

I’m clearly not gonna have, like, a normal life, and I know it. This is my life, and I’m gonna live it this way. I, I made my commitments. I made my choices, and this is the way I wanna do it.

Um, so they put me in the nuclear medicine program, um, to try to combat, combat the illness after the surgery. And I said, uh, “You know what? Um, I hate these drugs.” So I went home, and I got loaded the way I get loaded, which at that point in my life was pretty nuts. It was getting nuts.

And, uh, I beat the cancer thing. Basically, I believe I beat it because of my body had become so toxic. Cancer couldn’t live in my body. I was on the other side of illness.

And, uh, I beat it, and I went back up to school. And I was up in school, and my mother called me, and my mother said– Mother called me, and my mother and I were very close. I, my mother and I had a great relationship. My little sister Kimberly and I were very, very close.

Um, and the rift was between my father and I, primarily because we’re so much alike. And, uh, she was crying. And she said, “We haven’t been anywhere as a family in ten years. Your birthday’s coming up.

We’ll go anywhere you wanna go. Let’s just go as a family.” I said, “Fine.” So I got on a plane. I flew back to LA, and I did my, had one of those kinda all-nighter nights before I showed up at six AM in the morning, ready to fly to Guadalajara. It was one of those, you know, “Good morning.” Oh, man, I was a mess.

And my mother just looked at me and said, “Glad you’re here. Get in the car.” I got in the car. We get on the plane. We go to fly to Guadalajara.

It was on my, uh, it was on my natal birthday, the day of my natal birthday. And on the way there, the plane crashed, and my mother, my father, and my little sister were all killed, and I wasn’t. And I woke up on this mountain in Mexico, and, uh, my skull was fractured. My back was broken in three places.

I was paralyzed from the waist down. My leg was crushed. My arm was a mess. Only thing I could move was my right arm.

And my mother was laying right over there, and my little sister was laying right over there, and my father was laying right over there. And I couldn’t do anything about it. I couldn’t get to them. I couldn’t do anything.

My mother was screaming for her kids, like mothers do, you know? And I just kept– And I knew that Kimberly was gone. And I just kept yelling to her, we’re okay, we’re okay. You know, so she’d be all right.

And my father, the only thing he could move was his leg, and he kept banging his leg into the ground because it hurt him so bad to bang it in the ground. He’d suck in another breath because of the pain. That was the last thing my father ever taught me. And then he died.

I was alone on this mountain, and I thought, well, you know what? I have no interest in a God that would kill a kind, gentle, creative, loving little woman like my little sister Kimberly and leave a lying, cheating, thieving, dope fiend alcoholic like me on the planet. I got no interest in a God like that, and I renounced God.

And I started, I took my arm and I kept banging it into my side because my back was broken and it hurt so bad when I did it, it kept pulling me up out of the shock because I was angry and I wanted to stay alive. And I knew if I shocked, I’d been hurt bad before and I knew if I shocked out, I was gone. And some guys came up over the plane wreck and for some reason I took out my wallet and I showed them my driver’s license because I wanted them to know who I was. And he took my wallet and took the money out of my wallet and threw the wallet back on my chest, scavenged the rest of the plane wreck and then they all left the mountain and left me up there to die.

So I had no use for God and I had no more use for you either. I was out of the game. And eventually some more guys came up onto the crash site and they carried me down. They took me to a Mexican Red Cross station.

They got out of this. I was in the back of a flatbed truck and they tagged my right big toe. They tagged me dead, sat around and smoked cigarettes for a while, waited for me to die and I didn’t. And so they finally took me to a hospital and they saw my ID and then that’s when the Federales showed up and because they wanted to know why

I was back in Mexico but that’s a whole other story. And they interrogated me through an interpreter for three days. Wouldn’t give me anything for pain. And finally they were finished with their interrogation of me and I had called a friend of mine up in the States to call his family in Mexico and they’d flown their family plane in and

I bribed my way out of Mexico. I smuggled myself out of Mexico and they plastered me from the neck down and shipped me back up to the States. I spent a long time in a hospital in Southern California and I came out of there strung out to the gills on Demerol and crazy as a loon. I had a lot of money.

I had a house in Bel Air. I had cars. I had a basement full of booze and a pile of drugs. And I went on my last run.

I was a very, very self-righteously self-centered, self-obsessed, angry, rageful young man. And I went on my last run and it lasted for six years, six and a half years. And the only time I drew a sober breath in that last six years was on three separate occasions. I was so sick that I’d go into this little sanitarium in Hollywood, a little illegal joint where you give them $150 cash up front and you give them your

wallet and your gun and your Valium and your car keys and all that. They strap you to a table, shoot you full of anticonvulsants and let you ride for 72 hours. And when it’s over there, they take the straps off and they either send you home or to the morgue and they don’t really care which. And every time I would do that, the three times I did that, I would lay there swearing, reintroducing myself to God and saying, you know what, you get me out of this sane and alive and I will never, ever, ever, ever drink again.

My ass is kicked. I was just laying there whimpering like a dog. I mean, I had no, there was nothing left. And I would get up off that table and they’d give me all my stuff back and they’d say, now you be a good boy and don’t drink again.

And I’d say, no ma’am, not me. I’ve learned my lesson. And on the way to the car, I’d take 40, 50 milligrams of Valium to get the shake off me because I got to drive. And then I’d come to four or five days later in Oakland or San Francisco or some other place and have no idea how I got there or what had gone on or what had happened.

Blackouts were the normal fare for me. I’ve come to in lots of very weird situations. Come to on Speedway in Venice talking to four policemen. No idea what we’re talking about.

Just one of those, you know, and it just bing, you know. Feels like real late at night and there’s four policemen and they seem very upset. You know, and you know what to do. You’ve done it a hundred times.

You just keep your hands where they can see them and you just nod at whichever one’s talking to you. And eventually you’re going to find out what’s going on. You know, what I’d be into you say, excuse me, officers, I just got here. It’s this, it’s a little trick I do where I’m here, I’m not here, I’m here, I’m not here.

Oh. And I mean, and it’s just, you know, war stories, war stories, war stories, war stories. You know what I mean? By the time it was all over, I was 215 pounds.

I was yellow. I was, had been told independent, two doctors independent of one another had told me, if you don’t stop drinking this year, you’re going to die. I was dying of alcoholism. I’d broken 74 bones.

I had over 600 stitches in me. I’d been stabbed a couple of times, shot at. The violence had been extreme. My family was dead.

I had no friends. I had no place to live. I was living with this woman in Venice, California. And she thought I was entertaining.

Both of her parents had convulsed to death from alcoholism. So I was right up her alley. The ambulance drivers knew me by my first name. I could talk to you while you pump my stomach, run the tubes, and I’d sit there and talk to you.

I got used to it. I had no sense of community. I had no friends. I had no dignity as a human being.

I had no idea what community meant. I had no love in my life. I was a completely and utterly low bottom, hopeless alcoholic. But I came out of that last blackout of my, both my hands were broken.

I have no idea how it happened. We were being evicted because I had attempted to murder the landlord. I don’t know why. And they came and picked, I just said help.

And they came and they got an ambulance and they took me by ambulance. They pumped my stomach at UCLA emergency one more time. And they said, get him out. He was going to die.

And they took me to Olive View Medical Center and they kept me for five days. And they said, get him out. He was getting worse. And they took me by ambulance down to Long Beach General Hospital under the care of a lady by the name of Dr.

Vicki Fox. And I detoxed another 12 days there. And then they let me out and they put me on a free bed on the rehab unit, which was 42 guys in one big ex-barracks, army barracks type building with sheets that were drawn between the cots.

And you get about an hour sleep a night ’cause somebody was freaking out, you know, every minute. And, uh, it was– I was– it was over. I couldn’t. And then they said, “Go left.” And I, I remember sitting in there trying not to throw another seizure sitting in that chair, man.

And I just didn’t wanna feel like that, like that anymore. And Dr. Fox came walking in, and she was a– she was from Georgia, man, and she had a big head of hair. She always wore a sweater with the glasses, with a chain around it, you know, hanging here.

Always had a bunch of files under her arm, and always had a cigarette hanging out a corner of her mouth that never left there. She just… She never took it out to flick the ash. She just– it just sat right there, and where the ashes fell, they fell, and she was a busy woman.

You know what I mean? And she came walking into that detox, man. All of us just went, “.” ‘Cause she had that kinda thing, you know what I mean? She– there’s a lot of people in here tonight.

If she walked in this room, we’d all go, “Oh, who’s that?” I mean, she was a powerful human being. And she walked in, and she looked around the room, and she locked on me. And I– my heart stopped just… And she walked over to me, and she leaned over to me, and she gave me the first direction I got in recovery.

She leaned over and she patted me on the cheek and she said, “Baby, you really do need to be here.” And turned around and walked away. And I just went, “Yeah.” God. Okay. You know?

And my counselor was a guy named Ray White. And Ray told– and Ray got one thing through to me in 30 days. He said, “Earl, if you don’t wanna die, you’re gonna have to stop drinking. And if you wanna stay stopped drinking, you better go to Alcoholics Anonymous.” And I said, “Okay, Ray.” And through a series of weird circumstances, I was talking about it at dinner with Jim.

I said– I ended up going to a few meetings and hooking up, but I needed to hook up with a group. And I ended up in the basement of a church on a Friday night, uh, eight o’clock, maybe eight thirty meeting. And, uh, I sat on the back with my arms folded, my best tough guy look on my face, which was all about, “Don’t come up on me. Uh, don’t come up on me.” And all the old-timers, they knew who I was.

They knew I was a frightened individual. That made me kind of dangerous. They were like, “Brother, there’s coffee right over there and there’s a, there’s a, a seat for you right over there. Glad you’re here.” And left me alone.

You know? But every meeting’s got that guy with 90 days sober who just caught fire with Alcoholics Anonymous. Gonna give it away tonight. You know who it was?

Jim is sitting right over there, man. We go way back. Um, Vegas. Vegas.

Yeah. Vegas. Vegas spotted me, and all he saw was newcomer, man. I was throwing him every signal I could.

You know, you come near me and we’re going for it. And it wasn’t working. I just– inside, I was just going, “Oh my God, man. Look at this guy.” He’s like, hair’s all combed, and he’s neat, and he’s tidy.

He’s got on a big smile. You– who, who– you can’t trust a person that smiles like that. And he’s coming at me with his hand out like this, and he comes up and he says, “Hi, I’m Vegas. I’m an alcoholic.” And I said, “So what?

Me too, man. It ain’t exactly the highlight of my life. I don’t know what you’re so happy about. Get away from me.” And he looked at me, and he gave me that very knowing, you know, thing.

He looked at me and he said, “Keep coming back.” And turned around and walked away. Now I’m sitting there thinking, “Great. Keep coming back. What the hell does that mean?” You know, a couple other guys were standing over there and went, “Oh yeah, you know, he did the keep coming back thing.” Like this was just some deep spiritual significance to keep coming back.

Okay, I get it. You all know what keep coming back means. I have no idea. You win.

I’m the loser. I’m real happy to be in AA now. I’m sure it’s gonna help about three AM when I’m snapping like a mad dog in my apartment. Good to meet you, Vegas.

You know what? If you’re new… If you’re new, you probably shouldn’t listen to this, but whatever. If you’re new, um, and they come up and they’re laying the little AA slogans on you, “Keep coming back,” “One day at a time, brother,” or

my personal favorite, “Hey, just turn it over.” “Just turn that over,” right? “Step up to the plate. Step up to the plate.” You can’t ask a dumb question in here. You can’t.

I asked them all. You can. Just say, “Excuse me, I don’t understand the deep spiritual significance of keep coming back. Would you mind expanding on that for me a little bit?” “Well, where I’m from, my neck of the woods, if they’re honest-“

About 70% of them would say, “You know, I don’t know what it means either.” They said it to me when I came in. I’m saying it to you. I don’t know what the hell it means. There’s a guy over there that reads the big book.

Let’s ask him. Maybe he knows. Just an opinion. God.

Um, but I sat in that meeting, and this guy got up, and I’ve never seen him since. He got up, and he was a speaker, and he got up, and he did something for me that I didn’t think was possible, and I don’t think he’s, he ever knew he did it for me. But he got up, and he shared openly and honestly about his feelings as a man, and I’d never heard anybody do that with that kind of grace and dignity.

He was just very comfortable talking about his fears, his disappointments, his goals, the tools that he was using. I mean, this guy described the day where he would get up, and his head was on him before his feet even hit the floor. “You’re no good. You never will be.

You’re worth of piece of…” You know. You know, and, and while this head was going on, he would get up, he’d take a shower, he’d suit up, he’d get to work on time. He’d put in an honest day’s work. He’d go get something.

He’d go to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. He didn’t go to that meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous to see what they had for him that night. He had been through the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, as outlined in the big book, and had a spiritual awakening as a result of doing that. He was there to be of service to that meeting now.

He understood that the whole point of an AA meeting was to have a place for a new person to come and hear a message of hope for them. He knew that. So he would go to a meeting and be of service to the meeting. When he was done getting out of his own way, not being self-centered, not being about him, when he would get less self, more God, less self, more God, he would go work on that at an AA meeting, and then

he would go home and get in bed, head tuned on him the whole day. No wreckage. I was amazed. I had never heard of anybody doing that.

I’d never had a day like that. I thought that was amazing. And I got to sit in the back with my arms folded with a look on my face that said, “Bullshit.” Inside going, “Wow. That’s cool.” And then it was like he looked right at me, and he said, “You know what?

I don’t care whether you like what I got to say or not. You don’t like it, go to another meeting.” I loved this. I loved this because it made it clear to me, this guy’s not selling me anything. He’s sharing it with me.

If I want it, I can have it. If I don’t want it, go to another meeting. Maybe I’ll hear somebody that I can identify with. And I thought, “You know what?

This place is very cool, and I’m coming back.” And I left that meeting with something I had not had in years. I left the meeting with hope. I had some hope. I had some hope.

Maybe I don’t have to die like a dog in the street. Maybe. And I thought, “I’m coming back ’cause I wanna hear that guy talk again next Friday night.” So I came back the next Friday night to that same meeting, and a lady was talking. Where’s, where’s the guy?

I didn’t know. I didn’t know that you go, and there’s, you know, there’s a different speaker, and then this one comes, and this meeting, they do a little participation thing, and then they do the book. I wanted to hear that guy ’cause I thought that guy was great. So I thought, “Great, now I gotta listen to this woman.” I mean, what does she know?

‘Cause I’m quick to notice the differences, you see. I don’t notice the similarities ’cause I’m not interested in the similarities. I’m interested in the differences. ‘Cause if we’re similar, I gotta listen to you, and I really don’t want to.

You’re frightening me now. You know? So I mean, I can spot it. When I was out there, man, it was like, you come up five years younger than me, five years older than me, you come up in another deal.

You don’t know about me. You don’t know what I come up through. You’re a woman? You don’t know about me.

Black? You don’t know about me. Gay? You don’t know about me.

Hispanic? You don’t know about me. Not better or worse, just different. You don’t know about me.

You’re coming up in something else. I got it so good out there that I got the wagon circle so tight that by the time I got here it was like, if you’re not Earl, you don’t know about me. I don’t even have to listen for a few minutes, you know? Luckily, AA picked my pocket of that like it’s picked so many other things up out of my pocket like a thief in the night.

If you’re in the room, you know all about me. There’s nothing left to hide, just the details, and I guard those with my life . So I kept coming back, and I kept coming back, and they said, “You need to get a sponsor.” And I said, “What’s a sponsor?” And they said, “A sponsor is somebody who’s got what you want.” And I said, “You know what? I think it’s a little early to be throwing it back in my court.” You know what I mean?

I- And this woman made a suggestion. Marsha, AKA Alexis, gave me… Woman had a tendency to change her name frequently. Um, but whatever her name was, she was a delightful person at all times.

And she mentioned this one guy’s name that I had met while I was out using. And I thought, “Well, that’s weird.” And I went and I called him up and I asked him to be my sponsor. And he was my sponsor for almost 14 years, up until the day he died, and he saved my life. He was Alcoholics Anonymous to me.

I have a power greater than myself in my life because I saw one working in his life that he shared with me. I learned what, how to be in Alcoholics Anonymous, not because he told me how to be in Alcoholics Anonymous, but because he showed me. I would be sitting down with him, and he would say– uh, he would call me up, and he’d say- Lou’s standing on the corner of Sixth “Lou’s standing on the corner of Sixth and Santa Monica. Pick him up and bring him to the meeting.” Click.

Say, “Fine, you son of a bitch. I’ll go get him. I got about 18 months now,” you know. So I get on there, and I pick up Lou, you know, and Lou gets in the car, and Lou’s got seven days.

And Lou’s going, “Hi, I’m Lou, and I just got my job back, and my wife and I are back together, and I got a raise on the job.” It’s like, “Shut up, Lou.” “I hate you. You got seven days. You’re doing better than me. Shut up.

I got told to come bring you to a meeting. I’m doing that, but I don’t have to talk to you. If you want a ride back after the meeting, say so, and I’ll give you one, but don’t talk to me, Lou.” Lou would say, “Okay.” “Buckle your seatbelt, Lou.” And I would get Lou to the meeting, and who would be there setting up the meeting with two newcomers with him, but the late, great Donald Madden showing

me how. He went so far beyond the call of duty of sponsorship, uh, with me is unbelievable. The gifts he gave me were unbelievable. I was so afraid.

I had a commitment on a Saturday night meeting in Ohio Street. And, and I had two years of sobriety, and I still didn’t talk to anybody. See, I’m one of those guys, I never opened my mouth in Alcoholics Anonymous. I didn’t wanna be a speaker.

I didn’t wanna do any of that kind of stuff. I didn’t know how to talk to people. I didn’t know how to be in the world. I was a slow one.

And I had two years of sobriety, and I had this commitment, and I had no life. I still had nowhere to go. And my commitment was a cleanup commitment at the end of the meeting. My commitment started at 10:15, and I’d get there at 6:20, 6:30 ’cause I knew that 6:15 to 6:30, the coffee guys would get there to start setting up the coffee and setting up the room and have the little meeting before

the meeting with all of the, the commitment guys, and then they’d have the regular meeting at 8:30. And I’d show up, and I was so terrified that somebody was gonna say to me, “What are you doing here? Your commitment doesn’t start till, like, after 10:”00.” And I was gonna have to hit him. ‘Cause I couldn’t tell him the truth.

I got nowhere to go. I don’t, I don’t have… My family’s dead. I got no friends.

All I do every day is work as long… Work to get tired enough to go to sleep at night, and I go to a meeting, and I go home. That’s all I do ’cause I just wanna stay sober. And I would walk into a meeting, that, that hall at, like, 6:22, and Donald Madden would run up to the podium where the microphone was already on.

He’d say, “Earl, it’s 6:22. You’re late.” And that let everybody in the room know he had told me to be there and ’cause he knew who I was, and he would do things like that for me that I’ll never forget as long as I live, just those little things ’cause he wanted me to know I was safe there, and I was okay. I remember two and a half years, same meeting, standing in the back of the meeting, caving in.

I was just caving in. I’d gotten as far as I could get, and I couldn’t get another step. I had never s- opened my mouth in Alcoholics Anonymous. I never took a chip.

I didn’t take a cake until I was three years sober. I didn’t say a word till two and a half, only because he made me. But I’d stand in the back of the meeting just… Speaker’s up there talking.

I’m in the back of the meeting, head just raging. “You’re no good, and you never will be. You’re worthless . There’s absolutely no point in doing this.

You might as well just give up. I don’t even know why you bother trying. It’s .” And I’m just going in, man. And he saw me, and he got up, and he walked up.

He got up in the meeting. Speaker’s up there flailing away. Comes up to the meeting, taps the speaker on the shoulder. Speaker looks at him.

He just says, “Just a minute.” And the speaker steps aside. He gets up at the microphone. He goes, “Earl.” I’m, I’m in the back, “Ah.” And he looks at me. He goes, “We’re having a meeting.” “Yeah, okay.

I’m in the meeting.” And he bring the speaker back, and he would go back, and he would sit down. And everybody in the meeting… I’d been there over two years, and everybody in the meeting’s going, “Who the hell is Earl?” “What is he…” ‘Cause none, nobody knew me. And I went up to him and said, “I’ll sweep up these meetings like I do.

I’ll make coffee. I’ll go get the cookies. I’ll drive these guys around. I’ll do whatever you tell me to do, Donald.

I’ve done everything you asked me to do, but I will never, ever speak at a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. I can’t do that. I’m too afraid of it, and I don’t have to do that to be a member of this program.” Thinking I had made my case very well. He looked at me, and he said, “That’s a lovely sentiment, Earl, but if you want what we got you, I gotta be willing to go to any lengths.

You’re the first speaker here next Saturday night.” And I did what he said ’cause I always did what Donald Madden said, and I always will, God willing. I still… He’s in my head all the time.

And, um, got to about six and a half years of sobriety, and somebody mentioned… Somebody made a startling revelation. A friend of mine made a startling revelation. He said, “You know, Earl, I’ve discovered something in Alcoholics Anonymous.” I said, “Really?

Cool. What is it, Christopher?” He goes- They have a book. “They have a book.” “I think we should check it out.” I said, “Whatever you say, brother.” So we got us a book, and we just started following around the guys we’d avoid at all costs.

You know, the step Nazis, the book thumpers. You know? We started following those guys around and reading the book. Who knew?

Who knew? There’s, like, this circle with a triangle on the cover, right? Used to be. Right?

Ancient spiritual symbol. Stands for mind, body, and spirit brought together as a whole human being, right? Therein lies the balance I had sought my whole life and never had it, drunk or sober. Alcoholics Anonymous adopted the symbol.

Unity, recovery, and service. Unity is the body. You bring it here. I can’t get sober, but we can.

I gotta be with my fellows. I gotta look you in the eye. I gotta see your growth, your revelations, your joy, your surrenders in your eyes so that I can, I can know that they’re happening with me ’cause I’m with you. We’re all doing this together.

I’m just… I’m real busy over here just trying to keep Earl out of trouble. Uh, but I can see it over there in you, and I need to be with you, and you can see it in me. I can walk into a m-…

I can go… I can fool anybody out there. “How you doing?” “Fine.” You know? While I’m dying inside.

I can walk into a meeting and say, “How you doing?” To any number of people in there. “How you doing?” “I’m fine.” Yeah, come here. You know? You’re gonna help us clean up tonight, and we’re gonna talk afterward.

You know what I mean? They just put me right to work. Recoveries of the mind. It’s the greater aspect.

Recoveries of the mind, the greater aspect of my disease, the mental obsession. Right? That’s the second side of the triangle. How do I deal with the greatest aspect of my disease?

Work the 12 steps out of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. That’s what they’re designed, to bring about a spiritual awakening. Give me the promise of step two, right? Relieve me of the obsession.

Restore me to sanity, soundness of mind. Relieve me of the obsession to drink. I’m all for that ’cause I don’t want that beast jumping back up on me again. I know what that feels like, and I don’t want any part of it.

So I was… So we did it. We did the 12 steps. And it’s very simple.

We did them in, in order. Shocking, I know. But that’s what we d- we decided we’ll just do one, and when you, when you’re done with one, well, it’s probably time to do two. Step one was what’s the problem.

You don’t know what the problem is, how are you gonna get the right solution for it? You got a, you got a flat tire. Screwdriver is a great tool. It’s not gonna fix a flat tire.

It’s the wrong solution. You gotta get… You gotta know what you’re dealing with. What’s the problem?

Lack of power is my dilemma. Absolutely powerless over alcohol. My whole life’s unmanageable as a result of it. Says on page 30 I must accept in my innermost self that I’m alcoholic.

That’s the first step in recovery. And I gotta identify with those first chapters in the book as I’m reading through. Is this true for me? Yeah.

Do I identify with this? Yeah, I do. That’s my problem. If that’s my problem, what’s my solution?

Step two. If lack of power is my dilemma, my solution’s gonna have to be a power, and since I’ve tried everything I know how to do, lack of– the power’s gonna have to be something greater than myself, and it’s gonna restore me to sanity, soundness of mind, relieve me of the obsession to drink. I’m– Yeah, that’s my solution.

Now notice, I haven’t even got off the couch yet. I’m on the couch. Yeah, that’s the problem. That’s clearly gonna have to be the solution.

Step three said, “Well, you know what? It’s program of action. You better– You gotta make a decision that you wanna do something about this.” I said, “Okay.” So I got down on my knees, said the third step prayer. Kinda scared me.

Got back up on the couch, and then they tell you, “We hope you were serious about that.” “Why didn’t you tell me that before?” You know? Maybe I would’ve reviewed that a little more. Six more years.

I said, “Okay.” And they said, “Okay, now you gotta embark upon a plan of rigorous action, or that’s a whole waste. That’s all a waste of time, those first three steps. You got to go now. Come on, let’s go.

What are you gonna do?” I’m gonna do this action plan. It starts with four. I’m gonna do this fearless and thor– I’m gonna do this inventory, man. Thorough.

Fear– fearless, thorough, moral inventory. Four columns: resentment, fear, and sex. I’m gonna write down my resentment, my resentments, my specific resentments, the areas of my life affected by it, and what my part in it is. I’m gonna look at me.

I’m gonna clean it up. Five, I’m gonna read it to another person. Six and seven, I’m gonna– Uh, that’s about me. It’s me, God, and you.

Six– four, five, six, seven, eight, nine. Me, God, you. Four and five. Four and five, I gotta clean up in here.

I gotta swallow a large chunk of truth about myself. Six and seven, I’m gonna hook it back up with God. Ask Him to remove my defects of character ’cause I’ll remove the wrong stuff. I’ll be very selective.

“You may have this one. I’m kind of enjoying this one right now.” “Maybe we’ll swap next week.” That’s my way of looking at it, so that’s probably not a good idea. Eight and nine is I hook it back up with you.

“I’m very, very sorry. Here’s your money,” and I go back in the house. Not, “You know, I’m on a spiritual quest, and I’ve become quite a remarkable fellow.” “And I’m here to just… Eh, you know, just clean it up.

You know, what they do with it’s their business. Thanks so– I think this is great. I hate to get out of my house.” Whatever it is, they have a right to it. Nobody ever wanted my money back.

They just wanted their money back. So I go back in the house, right? Four, five, six, seven, eight, nine. Man, I’m making some progress here, me, God, and you.

Ten, eleven, and twelve keeps me in the game. Same thing, me, God, and you. Ten is me, eleven is God, and twelve is you. There’s nobody else to play with, so I got this who I got to work with.

Ten, I gotta continue to take personal inventory, and when I’m wrong, promptly admit it. Not in July ’cause I’ll g- I’ll end up… I’ll borrow money from you. I won’t pay you back.

I will end up resenting you for how I’m feeling about this and die. They say, “What happened to him?” Say, “I loaned him twenty bucks.” “Well, he went into a tailspin and caved in on himself. We don’t know how…” You know what I’m saying?

I gotta clean it up now. Clean it up now for me. Resentment’s the big killer, you know? I gotta get free.

Gotta get free. Y- If you ever wonder what you should write down or what you should deal with, the way I look at it is I just think, how free do you wanna be? How free do you wanna be? I wanna be free.

That’s what I want. That’s why I’m here. That’s why I stay here. ‘Cause it’s not about stopping drinking for me.

It’s about never starting again. And how do I not start again? The way I not start again is those three sides of the triangle. The unity is the body.

I bring it here. I stay in my meetings. I go to meetings. I have commitments.

I work with my fellows. I do all the things around meetings that are nothing more than manifestations of a spiritual path, the principles that are outlined in the steps. Coffee commitment, cleanup, greeter, all those really important jobs. Committees at conferences, work– being of service, out of s- out of self, more God.

Out of self, more God. Being of service. Thinking of somebody other than me. Those are all ways to manifest what’s afoot here for me.

Third side of the triangle is the tw– and step twelve is, is you. How can I be of service? How can I help? Having had that spiritual awakening.

Step eleven is my relationship with God. It’s an action step. I seek God. How do I seek God?

Through prayer and meditation. What do I pray for? The knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry that out. No more deals.

Just straight out, keep it simple. Keep it simple. When I first got sober, my… And, and the meditation is to quiet the mind so that you can hear the answers when they come.

Twelve is the third side of the triangle. Having had that spiritual awakening, I can be of service. How can I help? Not because I’m a good guy, but because I want what’s available in here, what I’ve seen in the, in the eyes of those that go before me.

That’s what I want. I want that buzz. I wanna be one of those guys, you know, wearing sunglasses all the time because you don’t want anybody to see the light beams coming out of your head, you know? Because they just…

And they’re in here. Those guys are around, man. I love those guys. You ask them, “How you doing?” They say, “Fine.” And you somehow you know, that guy just said fine differently than I’ve ever heard it in my life.

And there’s something behind that. You know? There’s a, there’s a, a knowledge and an awareness and a light behind that that I wanna know about. That’s the buzz.

I haven’t given up going for the buzz. And that’s the only buzz I can see, man. The ability to do the very thing I avoided at all costs my whole life, which is to get to right here, right now. As my current sponsor says, “Get between these.” “Just get between those.

Get right in there. If you can get in there, that’s where God is. That’s where your life is. It’s all in this moment.

It’s where my dignity as a man is, my ability to be honorable, all those things is right now.” I didn’t know any of this stuff, man. I didn’t know any of this stuff. I thought, I’m gonna come in here, and if I’m honest with you, you’ll be honest with me. If, if I give you love, you will give me love, and, and on and on and on and on.

I was wrong. I was wrong. I thought that was the gift. That’s not the gift.

That’s not how it works. The gift is much greater than that. If I am honest with you, what happens is, is that I become an honest man. That’s the gift.

If I give love to you, what I become is a loving man, things that I never knew anything about. I didn’t know how to be like that. What I… I mean, as a result of working those 12 steps, doing the things, you know, the unity, the recovery, the service, the mind, the body, the spirit, I have more balance in my life today than I’ve ever had.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m a maniac, and I know it. It’s an undeniable truth about who I am. I am always gonna be a maniac.

I am always gonna want the buzz. I’m always gonna wanna feel as much passion as I possibly can. I am not gonna really wanna sit around and chit-chat. I’m gonna wanna know, who are you?

What are you doing? What are your dreams, your hopes, your aspirations? Do you paint? Do you draw?

Do you ride horses? Do you scale cliffs? Do you jump out of planes? What gets you going, man?

What gets your motor running? Is there a little juice there for me? Let’s play. Let’s interact.

What is your thing? Children? Do you lo– Are you, you’re a mother. You love your…

Tell me. Tell me about loving your children. Tell me about the day-to-day. Tell me about how they drive you nuts all day long, and you’re crazy, and you often think, “I could get away with it.” And then you put them to bed at night, and you’re

watching them sleep, and like that, it all goes away because you’ve never seen anything more beautiful in your life than that child laying there sleeping. And all that stress and all that shit just is off of you because there’s… You’re raising a human, and it’s right there, and you’re feeling a love like you never felt in your life. Tell me about that.

Tell me about the stuff f- that you’re alive. Tell me the stuff that makes you alive. That’s what I wanna know, and that’s never gonna change. And you know what?

I screw up all the time because I’m an extreme human being. I screw up all the time. But I have the tools available to me, and when I screw up, I can say, “You know what? I’m wrong, and I’m sorry,” and I can mean it, “and I’m right here right now, and I’m sorry.” And I, and you know what?

And sorry, I know sorry is not enough. And you know what? I’m gonna do the inventory work, and I’m gonna look at it to see that, you know, with any luck, with any help, maybe I won’t do that again. So I don’t have to come to you time and time again, over and over and over again, telling you I’m sorry for the same damn thing.

Maybe I can grow and learn from my mistakes, and maybe you’ll have the forgiveness in your heart to, to do that for me, to give me that, the forgiveness. And maybe when the tables are turned, I’ll have it for you. And we all… And what’s…

And the result of that is, is that I have a family again. I have people in my life that I absolutely love passionately. I have friends. I have family.

Um, I’m never alone. I’m never bored because I’m not a boring guy. That’s the only reason I think anybody ever get… If you’re bored, it’s ’cause you’re boring.

Snap out of it, man. There’s a lot going on. Looks all… I mean, this is a room full of dead people.

You know that? This is a room full of dead people, and they’re all sitting up looking this way, and, uh, probably 20% of them are paying attention. You know what I’m saying? I mean, this is the group of people where…

You know what I mean? Everybody thinks, “Well, I gotta get sober. The party’s over.” Guess again, brother. Mo- Out there in the world, people run on up to the very edge, and they go, the edge, and they take a step back.

This room is filled with the people that ran up to the edge and never even slowed down, just jumped. That’s who’s in here. Oh, Lana. Hi, darling.

You know, that’s who’s in these rooms, right? And we end up in jails, institutions. We end up dead, and some of us, just a fraction of us, end up in here, and you get to come into rooms like this, and you get to be a, in a human chain where there’s the link before you, like the late great Donald Madden, like Cliff, who’s like a hero of mine, like Clara sitting over there, right, whom I love to death, who is one…

I mean, these are honorable human beings that have given themselves a tr- tremendously to Alcoholics Anonymous and have no idea the number of lives walking around in the world that have been positively affected by the things that they say because they say them from the heart, because they say them based on their experience, because they’re telling you the truth, and truth is– I mean, truth, when it comes from one of us to another, is an undeniable thing. We know when it’s there, and we know when it’s real.

It’s an amazing thing to be involved in. Amazing. I’m a product of the late great Donald Madden, who’s a product of Norm Alpey, who’s a product of Jack See, who’s a product of Bill W. I mean, that’s my line.

That’s my lineage, and those are gentlemen that I honor every day of my life because they passed on what was freely given to them to the next guy and to the next guy and to the next guy, and I got a whole bunch of guys that I sponsor, and they all know about Donald Madden. Oh, I was gonna get emotional there, but we know that is not allowed. Because I am a man.

How about those Lakers, huh? Like I even know what the Lakers are doing, right? I mean, I’m a big five, five-seven. I’m a big basketball fan.

A guy I sponsor, um, I gave him a cake for 11 years not long ago. And, uh, he got up and the first thing he said was, “First of all, I wanna thank my sponsor Earl for being there for me all these years, and I also wanna thank Donald Madden.” And I just started crying ’cause it hit me I’m in a human chain here. I’m in, I’m, I’m in it.

You know what I mean? I got the ones before me that I honor every day of my life. And I got the ones coming up behind me who do– who honor me, right? And I try to honor them.

And we live in this chain. And I need to remember, if you’re new out there… I mean, s- last November sixth I turned 17 years sober, and I couldn’t stay sober a day in my life. And that– And I didn’t…

You know what? I didn’t turn s- I didn’t turn 17 years sober. You guys forced me to turn seven years– 17 years sober. I– ’cause I couldn’t do it on my own.

I did it because I’m a member of Alcoholics Anonymous ’cause I had the love and support of the people in these rooms. And if you’re new, you get your turn. You, you– If you’re out there crazy and you’re thinking, “You know, I may have to kill myself and several other people around me before this meeting ends”- -perfect. You’re in the right place, man.

If, if you feeling hateful and angry and haven’t been able to feel any love in your life and hopeless and thinking if you– if we g- if you tell us who you are, we’re gonna throw you out, no, we’re not. No, we’re not. I personally have never done anything that terrible, but you wouldn’t believe what that gentleman right over there has done. It’s horrifying.

Yeah, he’s looking at me like, “Yeah, right.” Um, you get your turn. You get to find out for yourself. You get to be who you are, and you get to handle it the way you handle it. Just handle it here.

If you’re crazy, be crazy here. If you’re frightened, be frightened here. You can come here and feel like you’re never gonna get it. Come never n– just never get it here one day at a time for the rest of your life.

You know? Just come hang out with us, man, and find out what’s really going on ’cause it’s the tip of the iceberg. There’s a lot. There’s worlds within worlds within worlds here.

I remember me when I would go to Ohio Street, brand new on Saturday night trying to go to a meeting. I mean, like I’ll take– I’ll go pick up one of my guys. I got a guy that’s got around 90 days, and I’ll pick him up ’cause I hear Al’s talking, and I wanna take him to a meeting. And I– this is all– And I know every time Al gets up there, just pearls of wisdom.

I mean, it’s just spiritual greatness comes out of this guy. And I’m taking, I’m taking this guy. So come on. We go to the meeting.

Little Ed. Me and Ed are at the meeting, and I’m thinking, “Isn’t this wonderful?” You know what I mean? I’m 17 years sober now. I got Ed with me.

Ed’s got 90 days. Al’s gonna talk pearls of wisdom. I didn’t even get a hold of what Al was talking about till I was about 12, right? Ed’s gonna get the benefit of this at 90 days.

I’m so glad I could do this for Ed. You know? I mean, how wrong could I be? The meeting I’m having and the meeting Ed’s having are fundamentally different meetings.

And there’s nothing wrong with that. And I have to remember that Ed gets his turn to have 90 days. I mean, me, 90 days, going to Ohio Street on a Saturday night was like, when I would drive up to the meeting, it was like, “Okay, okay, okay, I found the meeting. I found the meeting.

It’s good. It’s good. Okay. It’s good.” “Park the car.

Park the car. Park across the street because it gets a little crowded over there. In case you have to run, you want the car across the street so that you can get out quick and you can run, you can go. All right.

Okay. I got it. I got it. You go in, you go in.

You put the keys on the chair. You save the chair. You get the keys on the chair. You save the chair.

Fine, fine. Where am I gonna sit? Where am I gonna sit? Guy with the red coat.

I’ll sit next to the guy with the red coat. I’ll find the guy with the red coat. I’ll find my chair. There we go.

Good, good, good.” “Put the… Okay, good. I’m doing this. It’s great.

All right, I put the keys down.” They’re ringing a bell. Ringing a bell. What’s going on? Ringing a bell.

Oh, it’s starting. It’s starting. Sit down. Sit down.

Sit down. Sit down. Okay.” “Sit down. Sit down.

Good, good, good, good. Sit down. How are you? How are you?

Fine. Fine. I’m fine. I’m fine.

All right? Fine. Jesus Christ. Can we have a meeting here, please?” Guy gets up.

He’s talking, he’s talking. He’s saying something. He’s saying something. Announcement, announcement, announcement.

Fine, fine, fine. He’s down. Another guy’s up. Another guy’s up.

He’s read– Chapter five. Chapter five. How it works. Probably should listen to that.

Chapter five. Works. Five. Like he’s rarely seen, rarely, rarely.

Rarely seen something. He rarely saw something. I don’t know what it was. He’s rarely seen…

I kinda missed that part. I missed that part, but that’s all right. It’s all right. I’ll get back to that.

I’ll find that. I’ll find that. It’s reading 12 things. It’s 12 steps.

12. All right, there’s 12 things in Alcoholics Anonymous. 12 things. I’ll remember.

12 things. Good, good, good, good. He’s reading. There’s an A, there’s a B, there’s a C.

He’s down. I missed a lot of that, but there’s 12. There’s an A, there’s a B, there’s a C, there’s a rarely. He’s down.

Good. Okay. It’s all right. Fine.

Another guy, he’s up, he’s speaking. He’s an alcoholic. I’m an alcoholic. This is good.

He– I did that. I did that. I did that. I did that.

That’s very good. That’s very good. That’s very good. Very good.

He’s down. Uh, uh, well, uh, okay. He’s down. He’s down.

He’s up. They’re passing a basket. They’re passing a basket with money in it. Don’t take the money.

Don’t take the money. Let the basket go by. Okay, good, good. The basket is gone.

Good, good. Everybody’s getting up. We’re getting up. What are we doing?

We’re going? We’re smoking? Smoke. I smoke.

I smoke. We’ll go. We’ll smoke. Smoke.

I’m smoking. How you doing? Fine. How you doing?

I’m fine. How you doing? Fine. I’m fine.

I’m fine, I’m fine. They’re ringing the bell. Ring the bell. Go back in.

Gotta go. Where’s my seat? Where’s my seat? Where’s the guy with the red coat?

Red coat. Red coat! Where’s the guy with the red coat? Red coat.

Fine, fine, fine. I’m sitting here. Screw it, I’m sitting. This is my seat, pal.

Find your own seat. Okay, so he’s reading 12. He’s reading– They’re reading 12 things. Those are not the same 12 things as the other 12 things.

There’s 24 things in Alcoholics Anonymous. There’s 24 things in Alcoholics Anonymous. There’s 24 things. Everything…

He’s down. That’s good. That’s good. This guy’s talking.

He’s talking. He’s talking. Alcoholic. Alcoholic.

It’s an alcoholic. That– I did that. I did that. I did that.

Wow, I felt that. I felt that. That guy knows how I feel. I feel like that.

I feel like that. This is amazing. That guy, he doesn’t– I don’t know that guy. He knows me.

How does that guy know me? He’s me. He’s down. That was very good, that guy.

Did you hear that guy? That was very good. They’re reading again. They’re reading.

It’s good. And then, then I get up and I’m leaving the meeting, and somebody say, “Wasn’t that a g– What’d you think of the meeting?” I said, “Great. It was great.” And I would go home and cry all the way home. Thinking, “Shit, I gotta, I gotta get tired now ’cause I gotta get some sleep, ’cause I gotta go to work, and I gotta come back and hear this guy.

I gotta hear another meeting.” That was me, new, at a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. I gotta let Ed I gotta let Ed have his turn, you know what I mean? So when I’m sitting at the meeting digging Al and the spiritual things, Ed’s over here spinning like a top. He’s spinning like a top, and we leave the meeting, and I say…

’cause Ed gets his turn. I say, “Ed, what’d you think of the meeting?” And Ed says, “Great.” And you know what it was, ’cause Ed got through the meeting without hurting himself or anybody else. Ed didn’t drink. Ed got…

There’s a little seed in there somewhere, and at 3:00 in the morning, Ed’s gonna call me up and go, “I love that part about…” I’m gonna go, “Good, Ed. Good, good. Good night.” Everybody gets their turn. We all get a turn.

If you’re new, God bless you. I got more respect for a nine… a thirty-day chip than I do the seventeen-year chip I took a little while back. I got a lot of respect for that, ’cause you’re living in a state of grace.

That’s the kind of deal we got going here, man. I mean, like, we’ve been in here and we’ve been laughing tonight. W-it’s– we’re dead people sitting up, and we’re all in here laughing and having a good time. We’re talking about some crazy shit in here tonight.

And we’re all laughing and having a good time. I’m talking about doing stuff that sane people don’t do, and eighty percent of you are going, “Yep. Yep.” “Uh-huh.” You know? This goes way past not just drinking and using, man.

This goes way past it. This is like a gathering of the tribes here tonight, you know what I mean? You get to… You know, we all, we all live where we live, and we do what we live, and we go sit around the campfire every night, and we pass on this information we have in this book, right?

To the new guys as they come in trying to find some hope, right? And we get up at the podium, and we share our verbal history, and we talk about what we’re doing on a daily basis to stay on the spiritual line, to live a new life, to have a new life, to have a way to live, and we honor the ones that have gone. We tell the verbal history.

We talk about Donald Madden, the late, great Donald Madden, who saved my life, and I’ll love till the day I die. We talk about the Christophers, and we talk about the Cliffs and the Claras and the people that feed our souls when nobody else on the planet could do it for us, but they could. We come, and we do that, and then every once in a while, the little tribes gather together, and we have a big powwow, and we find out that all over the country they’re doing exactly the same thing. They’re doing the same thing ’cause I don’t care what year it is, what time of the day it is, or what may be the particulars of your life or your lifestyle, alcoholism is the same disease it’s always been.

It doesn’t care who you are or what you’re doing. It will tear you to pieces. No matter how bright you are or how strong you are, no matter who you are, it’ll rip your heart out and, and take your soul. And what we have here is we have a common problem and a common solution, and it’s the same everywhere because a couple of guys got together and started giving it to each other and started giving it to others

a very, very, very short time ago. So if you’re new, come on in and get the real deal, man. Get on with a new sword and a new shield. Get yourself a big book, and get yourself into the fellowship program.

Fellowship, they’re different. This is not the program. This is. This is the fellowship.

And hang with the ones that got the fire in their eyes, you know what I mean? Hang with the ones that are as passionate about this as they are all the other crazy stuff in their life. Get out there and mix it up, man. You, you’re free.

You get to choose now. I choose to give my will back to God, ask for, for His direction on what I should do, and try to do that on a daily basis, and I get out there, and I rip it up, man. I rip it up. I’m having a very good time being alive on the planet, on, on the natch, man.

I don’t have anything in my body to get in the way of me showing up. If you walk up to me and say, “Who are you?” Buckle your seatbelt. Buckle your seatbelt, ’cause I’m gonna tell you. And I’m tired enough at this point.

I’ve been on the road for eleven months. I got home Wednesday night, passed out, got up, did Thanksgiving, threw some stuff out of the suitcase, threw some stuff back, got on a plane this morning and flew here. And I can’t think– And I was thinking, “Man, I can’t wait to get home.” You know what? I can’t think of any place I’d rather be than here with you.

I’ve been running into people tonight that I haven’t seen in a long time that I really love and I respect, and I hope that they know that because I think it’s a good thing, man, to be telling people that I love you, and I do. And if you’re not, you know I lo- I love all of you. I do.

You know? I don’t love you like I love you like let’s hold hands. You know? I love you ’cause I know what it takes to get here.

I know what it takes to get here. We’re in it together, not alone. It’s a wonderful, wonderful deal. If you’re new, come in here, catch the buzz, man.

It’s a big one. Thanks.