Audio
Transcript
Source: Unidentified Historical Recording – Fellowship Review Recording 833 – Date Unknown.mp3 File: gay-san-antonio-mark-houston-recovery-2011-08-13.mp3 Duration: 00:47:45
============================================================
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the Saturday night open speaker meeting of Mark Houston Recovery. My name is Blake. I'm an alcoholic. This is not an AA or CA meeting, so the speaker may discuss other topics related to recovery. Please turn your cell phones to the silent setting. Let us open the meeting with a moment of silence. [unclear] God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
I've asked Paul to read how it works in Chapter 5 of the Big Book. I'm Paul. I'm an addict. This is how it works. Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. They are such unfortunates. They are not at fault. They seem to have been born that way.
They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. Our story is disclosed in a general way, what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now. If you have decided you want what we have, and are willing to go to any lengths to get it, then you are ready to take certain steps.
At some of these, we fought. We thought we could find an easier, softer way, but we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we begged you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas, and the result was nil, until we let go absolutely. Remember that we deal with alcohol, cunning, [unclear]. Without help it is too much for us. But there is one who has all power, and that one is God, and may you find Him now.
Half measures avail us nothing. We stood at the turning point. We asked for protection and care with complete abandon. Here are the steps we took, which are suggested as a program for recovery. One, we admitted we were powerless over alcohol, and that our lives had become unmanageable. Two, we came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Three, we made the decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
Four, we made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Five, we admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. Six, we were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. Seven, humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings. Eight, made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. Nine, made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Ten, continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. Eleven, sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him and praying only for the knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. Twelve, having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we carried this message to an alcoholic and practiced the principles in all our affairs.
Many of us exclaimed, what an order! I can't go through with it. Do not be discouraged. No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints. The point is, we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection. Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventures before and after make clear three pertinent ideas.
A, that we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives. B, that probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism. C, that God [unclear]. Thanks, Paul. Okay, our speaker tonight, she's from San Antonio. She had 25 years of continuous sobriety. I don't know her that well, but she's going to share her story. I'm sure after the story, I'll know a little more. She's going to share some of her experience, strength, and hope with us.
Her name's Gay. Alright. Welcome. Thank you. Hello, my name is Gay, and I'm an alcoholic. Hi, Gay. My sobriety date is October the 23rd, 1985, and for that, I'm truly grateful. And I thank whoever was responsible for getting me here so that I can share my experience, strength, and hope with you. It's such an honor to be able to do that. I feel like my life is a miracle, and it's exciting when I get to share that with somebody else, and it's just as exciting when I get to sit and listen to y'all share your stories,
[00:04:59]
because one alcoholic talking to another alcoholic, and miracles happen.
[00:05:04]
I usually like to start off my talk with this story because it helps me relax, and I get to speak so I get to tell it, you know. But it's about this guy that was at a bar, and he was drinking and drinking, and when it was time to leave, he got up and he fell down. He tried to stand up again, and he fell down. And so he crawled out of the bar and crawled to his car, and when he tried to stand up, he fell down again.
So he went ahead and crawled home. He only lived two blocks away. So he crawled to his house, and when he got to the door, he tried to get up and fell down again. So he was able to reach up, unlock the key, get in the house, crawl to the bedroom. And he tried to stand up and get in bed and fell down again. So he ended up spending the night on the floor. His wife, who worked night shifts, got home the next morning and looked at him, and she said, you've been drinking again.
And he said, I have not. And she said, yes, you have. The bartender called and he left the wheelchair there again. I like that story. To tell you a little bit about my family and the way I grew up, my parents had three days and decided to get married. And last August they celebrated their 65th wedding anniversary, I believe. I don't know if the number is right. And after they got married, my dad was in the service.
And when he came back, they started their family, and they had their first child, a little boy by the name of Joe. And when Joe was a year and a half, two years old, I'm not real good with times, ages, and all that stuff. Anyway, when he was about two and a half, my parents were living in Yorktown. My dad was playing baseball. And after the baseball game, they went to a little hamburger place to order something to eat.
The little boy, Joe, got up and was dancing to the jukebox with some other children. My parents ordered their food, and when they looked up, he was gone. And so they jumped up and ran to find him, and they found him with his head between a wheel of a car and a curb. And an ambulance was called, and they drove the 30 miles to the nearest hospital where he was pronounced dead on arrival. And the reason I share that story is because it gives you a feeling for the home that I grew up in.
There was always a lot of laughter going on, but there was also this undertow of sadness going on. And one of the things that helped my mother is that shortly after the funeral, she found out that she was pregnant again. She was pregnant with my sister, and her name is Joy. And then I came, and my name is Gay, and then my brother was born, and his name is Happy. Joy, Gay, and Happy. And that's not a cute story. I just like telling it.
My sister's name is Joy, and my name is Gay, and we call my brother Bubba. And when I was probably young, you know, still in the crib, real young, my parents were concerned that there was something wrong with me because I didn't follow objects the way I guess my older sister had and other children had. And I think I don't know how old I was when they finally took me to have my eyes examined, and they realized that I was visually impaired.
I'm legally blind. They didn't get that diagnosis until many years later, but I am legally blind. My visual acuity is 20 over 200, which kind of sort of means if I stood 20 feet from an object and you stood 200 feet from an object, we'd see it about the same. In addition to that, I'm real sensitive to light, so the brighter it is, the more I squint. And I'm colorblind. And I was that way since birth, so I didn't really realize that I was a whole lot different to the other kids, to my sister and brother.
We just played and had a good time until I started school. When I started school, I realized how different I was from other children, things that other children could do at what was called resets. I don't think they call it that anymore, but, you know, games they play and things they do I couldn't participate in. And the school that I was in, the elementary school, by the playground area, they had this strip of shade where the sun would come and there would be just a little strip of shade and I'd just be drawn to that little spot.
And I felt lonely and I felt like I didn't fit in and I felt I just didn't feel good about being me.
[00:10:00]
I had a father who was very verbally abusive and he would tell me things like I was dumb and lazy and no good and I had embarrassed him and those kinds of things that parents so easily say to their children. And I believed him. With my brother and sister, it seemed to go in one ear and out the other, but with me, it appeared to go in one ear and out the other. For me, it always took a detour through my heart.
And I learned to laugh to cover up the tears. And I was good at laughing. But inside, I hurt. And I felt awkward and I felt like I felt flawed. That would be a good word for it. I don't know if my father was so angry because of his son's death or what his reasons were. My dad also drank quite a bit. We're not supposed to call anyone else an alcoholic, but he drank alcoholically for many, many years of my life.
Until his later years where he got older and couldn't tolerate the alcohol anymore. I believed my father. I believed that I was dumb and I studied accordingly. There wasn't really any point in doing any of the homework or trying too hard because I already had this belief system that I was dumb. And when I graduated from high school, I graduated 150 out of 152 in a small town or something like that.
Which wasn't any big shock to me. I felt very lucky I hadn't graduated at all. But then I started thinking, if I graduated 150 out of 152, then that meant that there were two people dumber than I was. And I started feeling pretty smart. It's just kind of all in how we want to look at this. After I got out of high school, my mother had this theory that all the children should go to college for at least one semester and experience the college life and see what that was like.
Well, I wasn't college material, but she signed me up. So the summer before I started college, I was sent to Arkansas Enterprise for the Blind to this college prep program for blind people. And I had never been around blind people before. So it was really strange for me to see all these people walking around with canes. And it was weird for me to be seen better than any of the rest of them. Legally blind means that I'm legally entitled to anything a totally blind person is entitled to.
And they had to draw the line somewhere, so they drew it at 20 over 200, and that's just where I happened to see. So if I could see a little bit better, I wouldn't be classified as legally blind. I still wouldn't see very good, but I wouldn't be classified as legally blind. So I went to college for my semester, and I walked out of college, big surprise. And I wasn't real sure what to do next. So I decided to get married.
It made sense to me. I was, my husband was 19, and I was 20 when we got married. And I really, really loved him, but we were quite young, quite young. And when I was married, I think a year and three months, and I had my first child, a little boy, and his name is Toby, and I loved being pregnant, and I loved being a mom. And three and a half years later, I had another child, and her name is Heidi, and I had a daring experience with her.
I loved being a mom. I wasn't quite sure what a mother was supposed to do, so we just did a lot of playing. And then, and for a couple of years there, I didn't drink, and I guess I better back up and tell you when that got started. When I was in the 8th grade, somewhere in my 8th grade, 9th grade year, somewhere through then, you know, I was invited to a party with some other kids, and I don't know exactly how much I drank, but my memory is, and I don't know how my memory can be accurate, but I had seven glasses of vodka, and I don't remember getting home that night, but I remember waking up the next morning, and I had stuff taped in my head, and my hair, and my head hurt, and I had a headache, and I felt queasy, and my first thought was, I want to do that again.
I want to do it again and again, as often as I could, because when I put alcohol in my body, I liked the way it made me feel.
[00:15:01]
You know, that feeling of being dumb went away, that feeling of being ugly went away, that feeling of inferiority went away, and I just relaxed, and I was just, I didn't feel flawed anymore. I just, I loved the way alcohol made me feel, so I drank alcohol as often as I could. And when I, after I got married, you know, and I got pregnant, I didn't drink for a couple of years, and how that happened, I really don't know.
I just, I just didn't, and so I wasn't drinking when I was pregnant. And then when my daughter was about nine months old, my sister moved to Houston area, and I was living in that area at the time, and she was going through a divorce. And she was very sad, and she needed somebody to go out with her because she didn't know anyone in the Houston area, so she and I started going out together. And we used to go out to this place called Mickey Gillies, and on Sunday night, they have what they call the beer bus, where you pay five dollars, and then you can drink all you want, and I thought I had landed in heaven.
And one night, my sister met Johnny Paycheck, and he asked her to come over to his hotel room, and there was a whole group of people coming and, you know, singing and drinking in the Everclear. And my sister didn't have anything to do with me, I mean, to get rid of me, you know, to take me home, so I ended up tagging along. And when I got home that night, my husband said, where have you been, you know, it's about four in the morning.
He said, where have you been? I said, well, I've been singing with Johnny Paycheck. And he said, yeah, and I spent the night with Crystal Gale. Now, really, where have you been? I had a glossy 8×10 photo of him, and he had signed it, and I finally convinced him that that's where I really was. My drinking, at that point, started again, and then my sister went and got a life of her own, so the rest of my drinking was done mostly home alone.
At times, I wanted to stop drinking, you know, and my drinking was progressing. And I wanted to stop drinking, but I didn't know how. I played with my children during the day. They'd have to go to bed early so that I could get drunk. And my husband and I kind of had this little deal going that in the morning, before he went to work, he had to make sure there was enough alcohol in the house so that if he worked late, that I could go ahead and get drunk, you know.
And a couple of times, he'd forget that, and I'd take these two little children, and we'd walk a mile and a half to the nearest convenience store so that Mama could get her beer. And to walk three miles for me was a big deal, but to take these two little ones and make them walk three miles, I couldn't help hold the little ones because I had to hold my beer, and walk back home. And I got to the point where I needed the alcohol.
I can remember one time for my husband's birthday, I told him, for your birthday, I'm going to give you a sober wife. And that lasted a week or two, and I was drunk again. I really meant it. I really wanted to stop drinking, but I couldn't, and I didn't understand why. My daughter went into the hospital, and she was there for four or five days. And during that time, I didn't drink because I wanted to be a good mother, and I wanted to be there with her.
And when she got out of the hospital, on the way home, we stopped to get Mexican food, and before I got home, I was drunk again. And I remember that night very clearly, because that night I got down on my knees, and I said exactly this. I said, God, either change me or let me die. I don't want to live this way anymore. And the next morning when I woke up, I called Alcoholics Anonymous. And they told me where the nearest meeting was.
There was a meeting a mile and a half away, right next to that convenience store. I don't know about you, but I think that's a little bit too much to ask somebody to walk a mile and a half to an AME. But I did it, you know, and I met a guy there by the name of Frank. And he gave me a ride home from that meeting. I picked up a desired shift, and he gave me a ride home from that meeting. And he said, when he dropped me off, he said, Honey, you need to learn how to swallow your pride instead of swallowing alcohol.
And I didn't have a clue what he was talking about. And there was another lady there, and she stole the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous and gave it to me. And I'm still grateful we have these in Alcoholics Anonymous.
[00:20:00]
So I took this big book in the house, and I opened it up, and I started reading the big book. And I went over to the refrigerator, and I got a beer. And I drank beer, and I read the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I drank beer, and I read the big book, and nothing changed. I didn't know what I had missed. Then a few months later, when life was getting miserable again, I remembered. I had this vague memory of somebody talking about a 12-step call.
And I figured it out. That's what I had missed. I was supposed to call someone, then they were supposed to come over to my house, and then this deal would work. So I called Alcoholics Anonymous for the second time and asked them if they'd send someone to my house. They called a couple of ladies, and they came over. It was on a Wednesday. And I took them into my bedroom, and we closed the door because I didn't want my kids to hear what we were talking about.
And one of the ladies picked up my hand and just started patting me. And I started crying. And I started telling her why I drank. I told her, you know, I drink because I'm legally blind. And she patted my hand, and she said, bullshit. And I went through my whole list. I'm in a bad marriage, and I'm journaling, and I went through my whole list of why I drank. And she had the same response each time.
So I started wondering, is this in the why I drink? Then why am I drinking? You know, and I asked her. And she started explaining to me the disease concept of alcoholism. She explained to me that compulsion when I drank and that mental obsession. And she invited me to a meeting. And it was on Wednesday, October the 23rd, 1985. I went with her to a meeting. I was wearing brown pants, a beige shirt. My hair was longer than it is now, and I weighed a little bit more than I do now.
And I picked up a desired chip, and I haven't had a drink since. And it's just the miracle of Alcoholics Anonymous. When I got into, when I was about, well, let me say this first. When I first got into Alcoholics Anonymous, I felt like I didn't belong. Because I didn't have an exciting story to share. Everybody else's stories seemed so exciting, and I really felt close to those that had been to jail.
And their stories sounded so much more exciting than mine. And I knew they belonged, but I didn't know how to fit in. And one guy there, his name was Steve, and he had a very colorful story. And he said, you know, and I shared this one night at a meeting, and he said, you know, I feel exactly the way Dave feels. That the feelings were the same, that the experiences were different, and I felt like I belonged, and I was glad I had heard that.
And after I got sober, about 90 days or three, four months, you know, I started wondering, am I really alcoholic, you know? And there was somebody sitting there, and they looked at me when I shared that with them, and they said, wouldn't you rather be in here by mistake than out there? And that kept me sober long enough so I could admit to my innermost self that I was alcoholic. For the first 90 days of my sobriety, I wanted to drink so bad it hurt.
And I went and shared that at a meeting, and somebody asked me if I had prayed for that compulsion to be lifted. And I went home and prayed for that compulsion to be lifted. I also had a sponsor. I was also going to sometimes two or three meetings a day. And so I was doing the deal, and it was so amazing when that compulsion left, and I didn't care whether I drank anymore. And it left me and has never come back.
And I, you know, that's just the gift of Alcoholics Anonymous. I, um, the only, you know, when I was feeling like I didn't fit in and didn't belong, the only story I could even think to tell was one time when my friends let me drive from Fredericksburg to Austin, which is about 70 miles or so. So I was drunk, legally blind, and behind the wheel. It was quite exciting. I enjoyed it. [unclear]
[00:25:00]
But I remember doing the third step prayer with my sponsor. After I did the third step prayer with my sponsor, she said, Gay, your future is none of your business. And I was glad she told me that. And I also heard this story about the same time that helped the third step become alive for me. It was a story about this young man and old man that were standing by a corral. And the young man looked at the old man and said, this is a good day. And the old man said, we'll see.
And the corral got open and all the horses ran away. And the young man said, this is a bad day. And the old man said, we'll see. And a few days later, all the horses came back and they brought with them this beautiful stallion. And the young man said, this is a good day. And the old man said, we'll see. The young man got on the horse and tried to ride it and fell off and broke his leg. And he said, this is a bad day. The old man said, we'll see.
A few days later, war broke out and they came to get the young man. And he couldn't go because his leg was broken. And he said, this is a good day. And the old man said, we'll see. And that story and the third step prayer helped me to start understanding that of myself, I don't know a good day from a bad day or a tragedy from a miracle. And when my sponsor told me my future is none of my business, I started living a life where I stopped judging my life and what was happening because I don't know.
And I thought it would be horrible for me to be an alcoholic. And that turned into a pretty good deal for me. Some of the things that I have learned in Alcoholics Anonymous as a result of working this test is that I'm not better than, I'm not less than, and I'm not equal to anybody else. I understood the better than and less than and I spent my whole life trying to, Well, you have that, but I have this, and you have that, but I have the other.
I was always at work trying to make things add up. And when I realized that, it was explained to me that I'm not better than, I'm not less than, and I'm not equal to, that we're all just living our own lives and we're on our own journey. It gave me freedom to focus on myself and just start living my life. When I was about a year or so ago, I went to the Holy Name Retreat Center in Houston, Texas for a women's retreat.
And I was in that meeting complaining because I was working on a 4-step, blah, blah, blah. And this lady looked at me and she said, Dave, you don't have to do a 4-step, you get to do a 4-step. You don't have to work these steps, you get to work these steps. You don't have to read the big book, you get to read the big book. You don't have to go to meetings, you get to go to meetings. And it shifted my perspective.
And I realized that alcoholics and non-alcoholics is not a punishment, it's a gift. And I changed. When I was about a year sober, I went through a divorce, and it was one of the most painful experiences of my life. I had been married 15 years at that time. And leading that marriage was very difficult. And I'm an alcoholic, so I'm not going to, Shirley doesn't say, and I would never tell someone to stay or go.
But for me, I felt like that's what God wanted me to do to protect my sobriety and to live the life that I was meant to live. But it was a very difficult decision to make because I have no job skills at this point in my life. I'm legally blind, I can't drive, and I have two kids, so I desperately want them to be with me. I had trouble making that decision. I couldn't accept it, and I couldn't change it.
I couldn't do that serenity prayer. I couldn't accept the marriage the way it was, and I couldn't change my marriage. And I got really, really sick, and I ended up in a psychiatric hospital diagnosed with depression. And they didn't know what to do with me, so they put me with all the alcoholics. So it turned into like a 17-day AA retreat. And I absolutely had a blast. It was a really safe place for me to get away.
Anybody that's here, use the time. Because it's just a wonderful space and time for me to focus on me and heal. When I left that facility, I was picked up by a lady from the Commission for the Blind who took me to public housing for blind people. I, um, I got there and there was probably about 16 little apartments, and I, they, you
[00:30:06]
know, put me into the, you know, showed me where my little apartment was, and I, um, I heard a lot of laughter going on outside, and I thought, well, let me check that out, those people seem a little happier than I am, and I went to the apartment next to me and there was all these totally blind people drinking beer, and, uh, drinking, and I went back to my apartment and I called Alcoholics Anonymous, and they found out where the nearest meeting was to where I was, and this guy on the phone said, hey Jack, there's a lady that needs a ride to a meeting, hey Mary, hey George, hey Sue, there wasn't one person that night that was willing to pick me up and take me to a meeting, but they were willing to tell me how to get there by bus, but I had only lived there a couple hours, and I wasn't real familiar with my surroundings, so I got on the wrong bus going the wrong direction, and it took me a couple hours to get back there, but, uh, yeah, he told me that I needed to go through these steps and develop a relationship with a higher power because there'd come that time that y'all wouldn't be around, it would just be me and God, and I would need to have that relationship developed. I, um, I, through the Commission for the Blind, I got involved in a program that they have to help blind people become self-employed, and I ended up moving to San Antonio, and that's where I live right now, and running a little coffee shop that they had. I, um, I went through three months of training and then moved to San Antonio, and on the second or third day of work, I was, a lady walked in to get my order, you know, how much I wanted, of whatever, and I, um, I wasn't sure, I was scared, you know, I was, uh, I, I don't know, anyway, that lady started opening up my refrigerators, freezers, and started making the order bakes, because she had sold to the manager that was there, the blind manager that was there before me, so she knew much more of what I needed than I did, and how much groceries this, this, um, this, um, workplace, uh, used, you know, the employees used there, and how much hamburger meat I needed, and blah, blah, blah. And, uh, I don't know how I got on that subject, but that lady was a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, and she started taking me to meetings and, and became my sponsor, and it was, um, it was just such a reminder to me that, that any time I've ever needed anything, it shows up, you know, it shows, not always in the way I think it should, but it always shows up. I, um, one thing I also heard was somebody, you know, sharing with me, um, I think it was at that same retreat, I'm not sure, but this lady looked at me, and she said, don't you know, Gaye, because of what you've been through, exactly the way you've been through, you're going to be able to touch somebody's life that nobody else can touch, you know, and that's true for each and every one of us, because of what you've been through, exactly the way you've been through, you're going to be able to touch somebody's life that nobody else can touch, you know. God's got a, a purpose for each one of us. I often tell the, the women that I sponsor, if you go through these 12 steps, and you don't know more about God, and you don't know more of your higher power, who I choose to call God, and you don't know more about love, you've missed the point of the step. All those steps are designed to teach us love and tolerance and a connection to a higher power. I, I had a hard time understanding how these steps stick together. I understood second step, third step, but I didn't get a design for loving, and then one day it became clear to me that I wouldn't mind doing the 12th step. I wouldn't mind, you know, having a spiritual awakening, you know, I wanted that, you know, to me a spiritual awakening is that I'm aware of God's movement. God's been in my life every day, my whole life, but I didn't notice it. When I become spiritually awakened, you know, I get glimpses of how this stuff fits together, and how it works, and, and how it fits. And I knew that I wouldn't mind sharing this, this wonderful message, but I realized that I couldn't have a spiritual awakening, and I couldn't, couldn't practice these principles in all my affairs if I hadn't done the 11th step and connected to God. And I realized I couldn't do the 11th step and connect to God if I hadn't done the 10th step and get rid of all that noise and all
[00:35:01]
the stuff that's blocking me from God. And how can I do my inventory in the 10th step if I hadn't ever done it to begin with? So I needed to, to go through all the steps. And I, you know, I, there's no way I can continue to do a 10th step if I haven't done the 9th step and gotten things cleaned up. And how can I do a 9th step and make my amends if I haven't done an 8th step to find out who I had hurt? And how would I have the character to make a list of people I had hurt if I hadn't done the 7th step and asked God to remove the character defects that are blocking me? And how can I ask God to remove the character defects that are blocking me in the 7th step if I hadn't done the 6th step and became willing to have those character defects removed and identify them? And how can I know what those character defects are if I haven't sat down with another person in the 5th step to find out just who I am, you know, and to share that with another human being and admit to myself, to another, and to God the exact nature of my wrongs? And how can I sit down and do a 5th step with somebody if I haven't done the 4th step and done the inventory work to begin with so I know what to share with them? And why would I do an inventory work if I hadn't done the 3rd step and turned my life over to God? And why would I need to turn my life over to God in the 3rd step if I hadn't done the 2nd step and realized I'm not God, that there's a little insanity going on here, and I might need a little help? And why would I be able to do that in the 2nd step if I hadn't done the 1st step and admitted that I was powerless over alcohol and my life was unmanageable? And I started to understand His design for me and how they go together like a dance, you know. Since I've been an alcoholic synonymous, my life is just so different than it's ever been before. I decided when my son graduated from high school, I told him that I thought he should go to college for at least one semester. And he did. We actually took a course together. I scored higher than he did. I read the book, he didn't. He didn't stick with school, but I did. Class by class, by class, by class. And in 2001, I graduated magna cum laude. And that's just a gift of Alcoholics Anonymous because I just got through college and I'm not college material.
And I have a degree. And I'm a drunk, but I stand here sober. You know, Alcoholics Anonymous has given me a life above and beyond my dreams. And a couple of weeks before my graduation, well, I'm back up there a little bit. One Saturday morning, I was driving back from a women's meeting with one of the ladies I sponsored. And she was on the grapevine committee. And she had this packet of information that they were soliciting stories for the 4th edition of the Big Book. And she told me that I should write my story and send it in, which I thought was a little ridiculous because I was busy in school. And why? My story's boring. But I did it because I didn't want to hurt her feelings. And I didn't want her to have a resentment. She gave it to me on Saturday. It was supposed to be postmarked on Monday or something, you know. But I typed up my story just as fast as I could, what I'm sharing with y'all kind of story. And I stuck it in an envelope and I put it in the mail. And three and a half years later, I got a letter in the mail that said the 4th edition of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous had been approved and my story had been selected to be in our book. I was shocked, you know. I called my sponsor and she said, hey, it's just a 12-step call. So it's not a big one, but it's just a 12-step call. And that took a while to adjust to, you know. And because of that, I've been asked to speak many different places. I've spoken a lot around the United States and in Canada. And I got to speak at the last two international conventions at one of the workshops. And it's just been amazing to meet so many of us, you know. Because when you have one alcoholic talking to another alcoholic, those miracles happen. Those changes happen. I wouldn't give this away for anything.
I married one of my customers at that coffee shop. And his name is Roy, and he's sitting
[00:40:05]
right there. And we've been married… Wait, Roy. See how good he is? November will be celebrating 21 years of marriage. My son and his wife, my kids are both married. And I have a good relationship with my son and my daughter these days. And my son and his wife have two little girls. And their names are Jordan and Justine. No way. This is the first time they've heard their GP share her story. So we might have a few questions when we reach her. They're hearing some things they've never heard. My older granddaughter Jordan has been asking if she could please come hear me speak one time. She wanted to know what it is that I was doing. She knew that I was going to Alabama, or Kentucky, or California. She just couldn't figure out why anyone would want to hear me talk to her now. She didn't think I could work it that way. But anyway, it happened to work tonight as God would have it, you know, that they were with us and I was asked to speak. And it was more convenient to bring them and not bring them. And, you know, it's just one of the things that got worked out. I sponsor a lot of women in this program. I love Alcoholics Anonymous. It's changed. One of my favorite lines in the big book is, we had to let go of the old ideals and the result is nil, so we let go absolutely. Some of us tried to hold on to our old ideals and the result is nil, so we let go absolutely. I had so many distorted belief systems that just weren't true. And for me to make room for God, I had to look and examine those belief systems. You know, I had a sponsor that used to tell me, Gay, there's another way of looking at this other than the way you're looking at it right now. Gay, there's another way of looking at this other than the way you're looking at it right now. And I started having to see life differently than I ever had before.
I have some family members that have some relatives that have trouble with alcohol, and I know for me that there's absolutely nothing that I can do for somebody else that's drinking. The only thing that I can do is love them. I have gone into the rooms of Al-Anon also and I dearly love that program too because it has shown me where I stop and another person starts. I know the first time I went to an Al-Anon meeting that somebody in that room said, you know, who in the blanks do you think you are that you should tell someone else how to live their life? And I started understanding just with that, not better than, not less than, not equal to, that I have to honor everybody's sermon. I don't think it's important if you have a degree, but I think it's important that we find whatever it is that God would have us do because I think God has special plans for each and every one of us and that whatever those plans are, that for me I want to honor it. And today my life is just happy, joyous, and free. And when it's not, I know what to do. You know, when I start getting emotionally tangled up, when I'm afraid or sinful or whatever, I know what to do. I go work these steps because it's exactly what I have found that brings me back to this place of spiritual centeredness. Whether you are an AA or an Al-Anon or whatever recovery program you're in, you know, working these steps is the answer to my finding that release or that I can be free. One of the prayers that I say is, God, let me accept the abundance that you have in store for me. I did not know how life would be good.
I thought, why get too happy? Something bad is going to happen anyway. You know, and since I've been in AA, you know, it doesn't matter how bad things get. I have a feeling everything is going to be okay. I'm not sure what else to share with y'all tonight, so I'm just going to quit here just very shortly. But I'm grateful. I'll tell you one story about one of the prayers I say is, God, you know,
[00:45:04]
what would you have me do today? And one day, my husband and I just took off, and we drove to Louisiana, and I went to an AA meeting, and it was a noon meeting, and I shared a little bit, and this lady came up to me afterwards, and she said, I'm supposed to speak in 30 minutes from now at a treatment center. Would you go speak in my place? They can hear me anytime. I said, I'd be happy to. I got in this car with a lady I don't know driving, I don't know where, and my husband went back to the hotel room, and I shared my story. When I finished sharing it, this lady walked up to me, and she said, Lady, I don't know how you got here today, but I needed to hear exactly what you had to share, and I knew how I got there. You know, this journey is just so amazing. It will just do the deal and let go and watch life happen. You know, I'm sure there's people in here that are new, and, you know, my wish for you is that you keep doing this deal with all the gusto you have for using or drinking or whatever, because it's amazing. You know, I used to think abundance was money, and today I know that that abundance is peace and serenity and love and joy and being able to respond to life. If I need people, places, and situations to act a certain way so that I'm okay, they're going to always let me down, because people are people and situations happen. You know, but I want something more valuable than that. I want something where it doesn't matter what's happening, I can still be okay, and that's what Alcoholics Anonymous has shown me. I heard this story about this beggar guy, you know, this guy in older times, and he had this little pouch of jewels. This beggar comes up to him and he said, can you give me some of those jewels? And the guy said, sure. And he opened up his little pouch, he reached in, got some of the jewels, handed them to the guy, and the guy left. And three days later he came back, can you bring them back? And he said, I want something more valuable than this. And the guy said, what do you want? He said, I want whatever enables you to give it away. And to me that's the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, it's teaching me that whatever enables me to live life to its fullest in a way that I've never experienced. I'm very grateful for Alcoholics Anonymous and thank you for allowing me to share my story with you.