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Source: DICOBE-00231 – Marilyn S – CETA GLEN CONF – 1975-01-15.mp3 File: dicobe-00231-marilyn-s-ceta-glen-conf-1975-01-15.mp3 Duration: 00:55:28
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At this time, I'd like to introduce a real sweet, pretty gal that helped set me at ease, Liz Harris from Oklahoma City. She'll introduce our speaker tonight. Liz. Applause Hi, I'm Liz Salka, and I'm an alcoholic, and it is just really great to be here tonight, and I'd like to say this is my first time here, and it is truly a privilege, and it's just great to see all of y'all, and you know, you really are the most beautiful people in all the world, and I love all of you.
Because we are in Texas, I will give my graduated first party. I have not found it necessary to have a drink since July 24th, 1970, because this program works, and by the grace of God, and I thank all of you, because you really did help. You know, they told me when I got sober that there were a lot of friend benefits that would happen, and I really didn't ever expect that I would get to introduce one of my very favorite people, Marilyn, who is going to be our speaker tonight.
And not only have I had the privilege of meeting her, but I do know her two sisters, whom I just love dearly, and I know her parents, Mom and Ode, and they're just three great, great guys, you know, and I just don't know too much how to tell you very much about Marilyn, except I'm going to borrow just a little bit of her story, and she says that when she came into AA, her sponsor was really sort of at a loss, what in the world am I going to do with this girl? So she said, Marilyn, we're going to take you up, excuse me, we're going to go to the chapel.
And she said, that's fine. So Helen takes Marilyn into the chapel, and they kneel, and Helen says, God, this is Marilyn. And so she said, that's kind of the way they made an approach on the second and the third step, you know, and Marilyn is special, and she is great. And you know, I kind of believe that saying that great and good things come in small packages, and she is little, and I think she's got some boxes to stand on, and I just don't want to deny y'all any more time from her story, because she is wonderful, and I love her. Thank you, and here's Marilyn.
Man, I have been here for four hours and somebody done stole my talk. My name is Marilyn. Hi, everybody. I'm an alcoholic and a drug addict, and through the miracle of a power greater than myself and the programs of Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous, I have not found it necessary to take a drink or do any dope since the 6th of June in 1966. And believe me, I'm very grateful. I'm most grateful to be here for a number of reasons, mostly all of you. I've been reunited with some old friends and have met some new ones, and that's what this is all about, as long as we keep both hands extended, I think, we're in.
I could get you all out of your misery in kind of a hurry. There are some short versions of my story, one of them being that I was the only blue-eyed child born into a tribe of brown-eyed Chickasaw Indians, and there was a lot of doubt about me right from the start. You may or may not have noted that my dry date also tells a pretty good story, because my dry date is 6-6-66, and if you say that slow enough, you got the message. You better believe I was 26-6-666.
I can tell you that I never intended to become an alcoholic, and I can assure you that as a little girl, when people said, hey, Marilyn, where do you want to be when you grow up, I don't remember ever replying, oh, I want to be a junkie. It was not in my life plan. I would like to stand up here and tell you that I had a terrible childhood and that I came from a broken home and that I was neglected and rejected, and all of that would be a lie.
[00:05:13]
I've not given up everything, but I do try to be a little more honest today. I would like to tell you that I was a victim of drug abuse and that, too, would be a lie. I was born and raised in a very small town down in southern Oklahoma, and Liz mentioned my parents, and they were very fine, loving parents. You know, the strengths and the higher-ups with letters behind their names have theories about us alcoholics, and they say that we come from one of two environments.
We've either been grossly neglected or greatly overindulged, and I doubt that they are talking about material things necessarily, more than likely the intangibles like love and attention and affection and understanding and sympathy and empathy and all those things, but I happen to be one of those that was grossly overindulged. I suppose that I was exposed to all of the character-building programs that any of us can ever be exposed to.
I was born and raised on the front pew of a Methodist church, very active in all church youth affairs, and I was a Girl Scout for nine years, well-prepared. I even went into senior service work as a Scout when I was a teenager, and you know, it was a policy of the faculty of the high school the year that I graduated, the faculty themselves voted on and gave an award to the outstanding graduating senior, and the year I graduated, I received that award.
A lot of great things were expected of me, and I expected a lot of great things of myself. Certainly, I never intended to be standing behind a podium talking to a bunch of grumps, but you know, there was something different about me, and the very first line of literature that I ever read in AA was on my dry day in the 24-hour-a-day book that I received from a woman that happens to be here tonight and I hadn't seen for a long time, and I still have the book, Frances, that you wrote in, but on my dry day, the very first sentence says, alcoholism is merely a symptom of underlying personality problems, and I found that almost impossible to believe.
I certainly never knew I had any personality problems. You know, I knew I had a lot of it, but I didn't know that it had been a problem. There's a perfect description of me in the big book, just perfect. I think it states very clearly that we are all of above-average intelligence and that we have very special talents and skills and abilities, and I had all of those things. I couldn't believe that there was something wrong with me, and yet nobody in this world ever felt any more insecure nor full of fear and lack of understanding than I felt. I felt like nobody understood me. I've discovered since being in this program what most of my character defects and underlying personality problems were.
I certainly didn't know it at the time. Number one, I was somewhat of a people pleaser, and that's putting it mildly. It was very important to me that I pleased people, you know, and I didn't want to please just a few. I wanted to please everybody, and I wanted to be all things to all people, and I never dreamed this was an impossibility. I was willing to go to any length to please all people, and it made me very sick.
I remember when I was about five years old with some of this special talent and skill and ability, I was entered into a talent contest in this little small town that I came from, and there were probably all of 300 people in the audience, and when it was announced that I'd won the contest, this audience gave me a standing ovation,
[00:10:24]
and I was just about that big in the middle of a huge stage which represented the whole world to me, and I couldn't see, you know how auditoriums are, you can't see past the first floodlight, but I could see the front row, and I knew that this great huge mass of people were all standing up and applauding me with the exception of one woman that sat on the front row, and she didn't stand up, she didn't applaud, she didn't even smile, she sat there obviously very displeased with the result. Now it didn't make any difference to me that 299 people loved and accepted me, it was that one person that didn't that I took off the stage with me in tears.
I consider that an underlying personality problem. Even after I grew up, you know, and I would recall that particular incident, what do you think I remembered? The one woman I hadn't pleased. I also had what I thought had a lot to do with, incidentally I've had more advice tonight as to the subject I'm supposed to talk on, you wouldn't believe it, and I'm not going to tell them what you said Jack, but it was the most inspiring, I know what they expected me to talk on because I ain't talking Sunday morning.
I had another defect that gave me an awful lot of trouble, and I had sort of, you know, as an adult reserved it and kind of put it over in a sex slot, but I found out that insatiable desires doesn't necessarily have to do with sex, but my desires were insatiable. By that I mean any time that I ever wanted anything bad enough to really get out and work for it, you better believe I got it. But the sad thing about me was the moment I got it I was completely disenchanted with the whole idea, you know, I ain't wanting that anymore, there's got to be something better than this.
My desires were insatiable, and I've had everything, and I've had nothing. I've had beautiful homes and fine automobiles and country club and PTA and bridge club and all that crap, and I've also wound up hitchhiking outside the city of Albuquerque in a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt and a pair of kids and I've even lost my paper sack. But everything was never enough for me, never enough. In the very beginning I tried very hard to drink alcohol like other people, and as is with most alcoholics, alcohol affected me differently than it seemed to other people.
And nobody understood me. Nobody seemed to think the way I thought, nor feel the way I felt. Nobody understood me. Nobody understood, for instance, that let's go home was fighting words. You know, I'd attack the biggest, blondest, broad in the bar if she said let's go home, or it's time to go home. Whoever wants to go home. I never wanted a party to be over. People that got up in the morning and ate bacon and eggs made me want to puke. Those dumb women out there hanging clothes on the line on Monday.
Nobody understood me. Nobody wanted to drink the way I did. I did all of the crazy, wild, silly, inane things that all alcoholics do. I didn't miss any of them, I don't suppose. There was always something different about me. I think we were probably all determined to be different, and was I ever. You know, and I wasn't one of those stay-at-home-in-your-own-bedroom type drinkers, I'm afraid. I did have to kind of get out and get among them, and nobody seemed to understand when I'd go to bed.
Nobody seemed to understand when I go to the laundromat and put eight loads of clothes in the washer and not show up, you know, three days later, and being surprised, my clothes were gone.
[00:15:12]
Nobody understood when they said, Marilyn, have you ever seen the Grand Canyon at sunrise? And three days later, I was there hanging my feet over the rim. My actions were totally unpredictable when I drank. I never knew where I was going to wind up or with whom. You know, I couldn't even sit down and play bridge, you know, have a little regular bridge foursome. Couldn't sit down and play bridge without some kind of a sink. Of course, I was the only one sneaking in the kitchen for a little hooker. We did sit down to play bridge one night, and we had a pretty heated discussion.
As all of you know, when you play bridge, you play with two decks of cards. And the discussion became very heated over how long one deck of cards should be shuffled. You know, who gets up and goes in and calls Charles Gorin? You know, the world expert. And he was very nice. He really was. He's a nice man. And he didn't seem to be offended because it was 10.30 in the evening. And he didn't seem to be offended because I wasn't even calling him about a bridge rule, that it was a bridge etiquette. And he just very simply said, well, I think probably the usual thing to do is to shuffle that one deck of cards as long as the other deck is being dealt.
And I thanked him very kindly and hung up. And I won that round. And about a week later, I got in the mail a statement for $1,000 for professional consultation. You know, never paid it, of course. Alcoholics don't ever pay bills. And I had telephone itis, you know. That's so common with us. I still have tremendous long-distance telephone bills, but at least I remember with whom I've talked. You know, my phone rang one morning about 6 o'clock, and the operator said, we're ready on your call to Jody Maggio's.
I was going to tell him how to treat Marilyn Monroe, you know. I knew we were kindred souls. We had so much in common except the dimensions. I did all of those crazy, wild, stupid things that nobody understood. My family labeled me highly neurotic, and I was flattered. But they did very strongly suggest to me that I might not be able to handle alcohol, and perhaps I should not drink anymore. And I was in agreement with them because I seemed to be getting in an awful lot of trouble often.
So I went to a QAA meeting and worked the 12 steps over the weekend. Couldn't understand why everybody was raising so much cane about those 12 simple steps. Well, they said they were simple. They were simple. The only thing I was capable of comprehending were a few words in those steps that were familiar to me. I was able to think, okay, so if I can't drink, I can't drink. That takes care of that. I don't have to mess with too much of this other stuff. It says very plainly that we can apologize to people and say I'm sorry and make that kind of amendment.
And I did that better than anything else. You know, I was born saying I'm sorry about my blue eyes. I knew that that wouldn't be a problem with me. And in making amends, it, you know, was simple enough that I could just forgive and forget every lying S.O.B. that ever done me wrong. And that would take care of that. And I picked up on another word up there in the 12th step that was familiar to me when it talked about practicing principles in all our affairs. And I decided I could just be a little more selective about who I spent my weekends with. And that would take care of that. And I graduated and moved on.
I did learn a few things. I listened to some cliches. And the one that I picked out and liked the best was, Marilyn, you can't take the alcohol out of your life and not replace it with something. I went for that one. I agreed. Because I was a very nervous person.
[00:20:07]
How many new women have you seen come into the program that are very nervous persons? I was a nervous person and I was different. And I knew that I couldn't take the alcohol out of my life. At the same time, I knew very well that there was no way in this world I could face life on a day-to-day basis without a crush of some kind. I don't remember in my first exposure to AA that anybody told me that I couldn't take tranquilizers. I'm sure that if they did, I didn't listen. I heard only what I wanted to hear. And my thinking was negative enough that I didn't have to pick up too much.
Because I was a very nervous person, I found very soon that tranquilizers would calm my nerves. But you know, the strange thing about us is that no self-respecting alcoholic ever took one of anything. You know, I've got some shoes you all are going to see tomorrow, and they're the funniest looking things you ever saw in your life. And I didn't buy one pair, bought three, and then had to learn how to walk in them. Did that sober, see? But I never took one of anything. And I abused the use of the tranquilizers to the point that I was, you know, it was taking about a 30-day supply for one day.
And I didn't like what they did for me. They didn't give me that nice feeling alcohol used to give, and I knew there had to be something better than that. So I did a little more experimenting, and I discovered there was something better than that. I mentioned the fact that I'm a member of Narcotics Anonymous, and most all of you I'm sure know that Narcotics Anonymous was started originally by three members of AA that wanted to extend this program to the sick, suffering drug addicts.
And I've worked with some drug addicts this last year. Statistics are holding pretty true, by the way. I worked with 125, and four of them are straight today, which ain't too bad. But in working with young people on drugs today, they have a little different language and a little different lingo. I knew drugs by pharmaceutical names because I was totally dependent on the medical profession at that time for my drug supply. And things have changed from that time. There was a time in the city of Oklahoma City when I had on file at least 40 prescriptions that I could have refilled at any time for a price.
There were renegade pharmacists and unsuspecting doctors that I used and conned and manipulated. But I discovered a drug that I thought, you know, I finally found one that's going to solve all my problems. I can't drink booze anymore. Those tranquilizers make me feel heavy and stupid and dull, and I don't like them. And I discovered what the kids call speed. I'm sure that all of you, or at least some of you, have had some experience with the diet pills and the amphetamines. And believe me, I would have been a prime candidate for transactional analysis because when I took speed and amphetamines, not only was I okay, honey, but you were okay, and the whole damn world was all right. Everything was okay.
And I thought again, once again, I'd found the solution to all my problems. And that wasn't it either. Because eventually I started winding up in hospitals. I'm not very big, and of course appetite is totally nonexistent on that type drug. And I'd go for 12 days without eating a bite of solid food. And I didn't like those dumb feeding tubes they put in your nose, you know. And I didn't like that time I was having to spend in the hospital to get over it. So I said to myself once again, there's got to be something better than this. And there was. I had to have a remedy for that remedy's remedy.
And I think probably all alcoholics usually land on a favorite beverage, you know. It's either beer or wine finally in the end, or scotch if you're still on up there. High Roland. Most drug users do the same thing. And I finally landed on barbiturates. And they are the nearest thing to drinking alcohol that you can pop in your mouth. The effects are exactly the same. And I'd finally come home again. And drugs sort of became a way of life for me. A way of life that required that I make some decisions. You know, I said if I wanted anything bad enough to really work for it, I got it. And I knew that I had to have the drugs in order to live.
[00:25:12]
So I took a little time out and I went to school and I passed the state board and I got into the medical profession. That's where all the action was. And that worked out very nicely for me because I don't think I'll ever forget the first time Clancy described me when he said, we are fantastic in a 50-yard dash. Put us in a two-mile relay and we don't come around too good. But you know, I could change offices often and use some of these talents and skills and abilities and within a few weeks be in charge of the drugs and in charge of the money and in charge of everything.
And I hear some of the drug abuse programs that I've participated in around the country and I hear sometimes some of the funniest symptoms that we drug addicts are supposed to have. You know, if we wear long sleeves, look out. You know, sunglasses, dead giveaway. And all those funny visible signs that they're supposed to be. But I can tell you that I function very well, very well for a long time under the influence of drugs. As a matter of fact, I was working with three doctors and at the end of nine months they called me into their office and gave me a $1,500 bonus for the fantastic job that I was doing for them in the last nine months.
See, and I'm blind and stoned out of my head. And it's easier to hide drugs than it is booze bottles. I'll give y'all lots of good tips tonight. You know, you've got to hide booze in the toilet tank. I had to hide it in the winter blankets or bury it out in the backyard and I'm continually trying to find a new hiding place for a bottle and pills are a lot easier to hide. You know, at that time I would have sworn that pointed-toed shoes had just been made fashionable for me. You know, a two-hour supply fit very nicely down the toes of each shoe. And there was never a time really when I wasn't going to have drugs on me somewhere. I was never going to be caught someplace without any. And wined end-to-end and the hem of every drape in my house, you know, were the dual-purpose drugs. I never had to get up out of a chair.
I had one little friend then and weighed about, I weighed about 70 pounds and she looked at me one day and she said, Mom, why in the world do you wear a bra? And I said, don't be dumb to carry my pills in. But I had to make some decisions and they were decisions like I have to have the drugs so some other things have to go. I had to leave my husband and I had to abandon my children. I tried to take them with me for a while when I hit the streets and I found that was an impossibility because kids have to have food and food costs money but I had to have all my money for the dope.
So decision time came and I did hit the streets and I was on hard narcotics for the next five years and believe me, a whole hell of a lot of things happened to me in that five years and I don't want to get too lost in the way it was. But I can tell you that I was in a junior medical hospital, a lot of psychiatric wards and psychiatric hospitals until the insurance ran out and I started getting a state mental institution.
I bet every time you hear the sign now you grab your pajamas and go sit on the porch. But that's the truth. You know, I had to become an expert con and an expert manipulator because my life depended on it. And a lot of times I had to call my, you know, my drug supply had run out and I had to call my own ambulance in order to get into an emergency room to get an injection of Emerol for my excruciating abdominal pain, you know, and I always called my own ambulance.
And you talk about willing to go to any length. When I was at home we used to pull these tricks. I had a young son who was in high school and I got to saying about this one day and I thought it would be a good deal if he worked so I got him a job in a funeral home where they had a 24-hour day ambulance service and I had my own built in, willing to go to any length I was. I was. I, uh, made a lot of suicidal attempts in that five years. I like to think I know a little bit about suicide. I doubt that I know any more about it than you do, but I think I know the difference in a cry for help and a plea for understanding and a full-blown underlying death wish.
[00:30:23]
I can remember when I used to drink booze and I was sitting at home on Monday morning after the weekend party, scrambling through the cabinets trying to find at least a jigger left in a bottle, and I'd sit down at the kitchen table and I'd find the bottle with maybe four ounces in it, and I'd pour myself a drink and I'd look around and I'd see this nasty-ass house. And that sorry, rotten, no-good husband of mine and these snotty-nosed kids, if it wasn't for all of them, I wouldn't have to take this drink.
And I'd take that drink and within 15 minutes I'd run the full gamut of emotions. You know, everything changed. Oh, that wonderful husband of mine who provided me with this beautiful home and these wonderful children and they'd all be so much better off without me. You know, I'd run outside and go jump in front of a parked car. One time I jumped out the basement window. Tried the river and it was three feet deep.
That's real humiliation, I'll guarantee you, that's what humiliation is. I know the difference in that and what I developed. A full-blown death wish and I didn't give a damn whether anybody else would be better off without me or not, and I tried in every way known to man. And you see I was a complete failure at that. So finally in the end, I was shipped off out of the state of Oklahoma because there wasn't anybody to have me there anymore.
I was shipped off and I was allowed to enter a hospital and it was a policy down in Texas, down in good country, and it was a policy of that hospital that while I was being detoxified, that I have in the room with me at least two people around the clock for five days and five nights. And I was in a strange place and I was in a strange town and I didn't know any people. But every time I opened my eyes in that room, I noticed that the two seats, the two chairs over in the corner had two people in them.
And I didn't have the strength, nor the sense, nor the energy to find out who they were for some time. A little later I did find out that those people that came to sit with me were members of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I want you to know that I wasn't in too good a shape. I weighed about 60 pounds and I had the insides of an 80-year-old woman. Psychiatrists had already told me that I would never, ever function in this society again.
And I can assure you that any God I'd ever learned anything about on the front pew of that Methodist church had damn sure better be dead. But every time I opened my eyes, there were some people sitting in those chairs. And some of those people are here tonight. Some of them I've still never met. But somehow or another, they were screaming in their silence the loudest message that's ever been screamed out of this program.
They're sitting there in their silence, said to me, Marilyn, you're not hopeless. We don't believe you're hopeless. They didn't even ask me to believe that. They said, you don't have to believe it. Just believe we believe it. And then I was transferred over to the Big Spring State Mental Institution. And it was there that I was reintroduced to this program. And I do mean reintroduced.
[00:35:02]
It was the greatest 40 days and 40 nights that I've ever known. Real withdrawal began because I didn't have an aspirin for the next 40 days and 40 nights. But the people in this program grabbed hold of my hand and they haven't turned loose of it yet. And all they ask of me is that I have my other one stuck out for any new person that might come in. This program has worked for me because I was willing to admit powerlessness and let me tell you that there's something about straight jackets and restraining belts and bars on the windows that will give one a feeling of powerlessness.
I had to be rendered powerless mentally and spiritually and physically. And believe me, I was. I've been taken into a lot of psych wards, you know, straight jacket and all, screaming, there's nothing wrong with me. I think this time I knew different. I think this time I understood about the sanity that I needed to be restored to. I think it worked for me because I was willing to allow somebody else to run my life for a little while.
I didn't have the vaguest idea how to go about finding a power of my understanding. I'm afraid, as a matter of fact, that I didn't. But I think I finally found someone that understands me. And that sufficed for a long time. I couldn't imagine turning my will and my life over to the kind of higher power that I'd always heard about all my life. You know, that dude sitting up there in a big cast pan with a blackboard and making all those marks, and, Marilyn, honey, I'm going to punish you and you ain't going to make it.
And I thought, hell, I've lost anyway, you know. I didn't want any part of that. And yet I didn't have any understanding myself, and I came about this through writing, through my own writing. I finally came to a power of my own understanding. I choose to call God, for lack of a better word. But I couldn't imagine turning my life over because I still had those childhood tapes going around up here, you know, that said God's going to punish you, he's going to get you, and all that kind of thing.
I knew just as sure as this world that if I, the instant I said, okay, my life is yours, he was going to pull my hair back in one of them Nazarene knots, you know, and I was going to wear long dresses and orthopedic shoes and no jewelry and no makeup, and I could never have sex anymore, could never hear a naughty story, none of those things, and he was going to send me to Africa to be a missionary, and I didn't want to go!
You know? I just didn't want to go. And that sponsor that took me by the hand and led me in the chapel and said, God, this is Maryland, is the very one that told me, perhaps through your own writing, you can find a God of your understanding. Write down everything in this world you can imagine that you'd like God to be. And then turn that page over and write everything you can think of to write down about what you would be if you were God.
And about all that writing, I came up with a God of my understanding. I had an opportunity in this program to find out what the hell was wrong with me in the first place. I'm kind of a fourth-step nut, I'm afraid. When people find out the meeting is going to be on the fourth step and I'm going to be there, they don't come. I'm kind of repulsive about it because it wasn't the key for me. Finding out, you know, I didn't want to be a sober son of a bitch.
You know? I wanted, you know, I wanted all or nothing. And I wanted everything. And I knew that the book said some things had to take place. Some things had to change. I had to find out what was wrong with me in the first place. And I found out the first time I picked up a pen and pencil, and incidentally, that to me is vital, the book says many references to write it down, you know, don't argue about it, it doesn't make any difference who you are, where you came from, it makes no difference whether you're a Baptist, Episcopalian, homosexual, prostitute, no matter whatever the hell else you are,
[00:40:00]
it says this book is written for you if you're an alcoholic. And write it down. And I don't remember reading any place, omit fifth step if Episcopalian. Or prostitute, or homosexual. Sorry, I had to put all those in there together. If you're an alcoholic and can follow instructions, and that's tough, you write it down. And I did this, and I found out what was wrong with me. And in all of my suicidal attempts, including my alcoholism, I had completely rejected the entire human race.
Now, I didn't want to take great big wonderful me away from the world. I wanted them dudes to get away from me. And when I sat down across the table from another human being and shared these things, that human being represented the entire human race. And it was through a very simple step that I squared myself with my higher power with me and the entire human race. I still have a couple of character defects.
But you know, in the very beginning, I said, Sponsor, I don't want to be a saint. And she said, Don't worry about it. And I didn't become one. These are normal things back here on my back that stick out. I didn't become one. I didn't have to become one. I didn't come to AA to get good. I came to get sober. And I'm glad about that. But some attitude changes have taken place, and I'm grateful for that.
The defects in my human characteristics that caused me so much trouble and caused other people so much harm are being removed from me as I become willing. I have had an opportunity to make amends, and I made them all wrong. But I had an opportunity to do it again. I wanted to make amends too soon. I wanted to make up for the emotional damage that I'd done to my children, and I wanted to do it in a hurry.
I wanted to do something material and tangible to make amends to my sweet, loving, kind parents. And I finally had an opportunity to find out what amends really are, because the book suggests we make amends in kind. And when that finally got through to me, it means that we very simply give back what we took. No more and no less. I finally had an opportunity to work that step right, and I'm glad for that.
My life is different today than it ever was before. I was reunited with my husband and my children shortly after I came into this program, and I'm glad to report that I have been married to the same man off and on now for 28 years. Just happen to be on right now. Y'all know how that is. I think about some of those crazy things I used to do. I was drinking beer one morning and ironing. What woman ever ironed without a can of beer sitting on the end of the ironing board?
And my husband came upstairs about 10 o'clock, and he said, Marilyn, are you drinking beer again this morning? And I folded up the ironing board, put the iron away, threw the beer can in the trash, went in, drug out suitcases, packed all the kids and me in the car, and filed for divorce. I wouldn't say that I was impulsive. I have three very beautiful children. I have two sons who are straight as a string and square as a box, and one flyer child.
I've already taken too much time. I would like very much to tell you quickly about the son that suffered the most, I think. He was the one, the oldest one, that spent most of his life sitting outside those hospital emergency rooms waiting to see whether or not Mom's going to pull through this one or not. He's the young man that at 11 years old was driving my car while I was stoned in the back seat.
And he's the young man that, when everybody else in this world had given up, drove me hundreds of miles to that hospital that would accept me. And on that trip, my drug supply was gone, and he literally physically kept me alive by spoon-feeding alcohol into my mouth all the way. All the way. Now you can imagine what my total abstinence means to him.
[00:45:00]
He said, Mom, you must have a direct hotline to heaven. And we laughed about that a lot. We laughed about it a lot when he was leaving for Vietnam and we were standing at the airport and I was so grateful to be standing there straight and sober and to be able to say, I know you're scared but before you know it I'm going to be standing in this exact spot waiting for the plane that brings you home. Don't you forget my hotline, son, and I'm going to have it going.
And he went on overseas and a little while later from a little village north of Saigon I received in the mail one of those great big white Holy Bibles and there was a little card inside and it said, From Your Son, Stephen and in his own handwriting he said, I still believe in your hotline, Mom. Just thought you might could use a phone book. I had a 16-year-old daughter that liked me. I have a lot better drunk than she did sober.
She dropped out of school and went underground and experimented with drugs for a couple of years and when she left she left me a six-week-old baby. Any of you that are sitting out there wondering am I ever going to have the chance to make amends, don't worry about it. You would be astounded with the opportunities I've had to make amends. But that was my little Al-Anon kid, you know. She went off underground and I knew where she was going because I'd already been there.
And I could take this program and I could work it for myself and I could stay sober and stay straight. When it came to turning loose one of those kids it was something else and I went, yeah, you know, I went screaming to the Al-Anon. For God's sake, how do you release somebody? And they very gingerly took me by the hand but were very, very stern because they knew I was a hard case. And they said, Marilyn, God doesn't have any grandchildren and I am forever grateful for the Al-Anon.
They helped save my sanity. I love every one of them today. And that little boy I had for three or four years, and he was my Al-Anon kid. You know, I asked him not too long ago what he was going to be when he grows up and he said, I'm going to be a sponsor. I had an 11-year-old kid when I got straight that was as desperate as I was for some kind of spiritual help. He was just desperate, didn't know what the hell.
And, you know, here I was all spiritual and everything and I said, here's this kid, what am I going to do with him? And I sent him to Sunday school. And he came home and he said, don't you ever send me down there again. I said, why in the world? What happened? He said, every one of those kids down there know everything there is to know about the New Testament, and hell, I ain't even read the old one.
Once again, the solution was within this program. He was so desperate, he and a couple of his friends went down to the dime store and they all stole something, but my old shame stole the Bible. He had a desperate need. Once again, I went to this program. And he went to Alateen. And it's the greatest thing, the most astounding thing in this world that those kids can take this program and work it in their own lives.
He tells me I worked this program. You know, we have a crossword today and he says, hey, you go in your room and I'll go in mine and we'll do a spot check inventory and I'll meet you in the hall in 15 minutes. And we meet in the hall and we hug and we kiss and he's not afraid to say I love you and he's not afraid to talk about God. It's the greatest thing that ever happened to him. I can't tell you how grateful I am tonight.
I'm so happy. And do you know that your being here, just willing to listen to me tonight has helped me stay sober and helped me stay straight today? And God knows I thank you. Marilyn, on behalf of myself, I think everybody here,
[00:50:02]
certainly the committee, Jack Blasinger says she gives a good talk, give her this present. If she doesn't, don't say anything. I thought your talk was fantastic. I think it happens at these conferences. You give a hell of a kick-off. We're here, the big benefactors, to hear you share with us. And on behalf of the committee, I'd like to present a small package to a tall gal. To a tall gal. Marilyn usually boxes to stand on when I'm using bifocals to sign them.
We've got a fella here by the name of Joe C. We'd like to have him come up and make an announcement. Joe C. Thank you. I'm supposed to be up here for a minute and a half, and this is going to be anti-climatic. Because you just don't know what that meant to we people from Midland. So Marilyn came to Midland, and I think she got sober there this time. And I didn't know she was going to talk tonight, but dumb me, I just didn't know it.
We sat at the dinner table with her, and I was so glad to see her when I came in this evening. So happy. My contact mostly has been her sister's little bit, Joanne from Dallas. But Jack's been telling me for several years about the wonderful work she did. She started doing it in the high schools. She started the drug addiction a few years ago in Oklahoma City. Heard lots of wonderful things about her.
I just hadn't seen her, and we were just having a real visit at the dinner table. Talking about Frank K., and he was on the program here. And I hadn't looked at the program, but I looked at the chairman because I was looking for my name. And the great Joe C. was here in 67, and Frank K. was here in 69. And I mentioned Frank K. to her, who I think helped sponsor her in Midland. She says, he's the meanest son of a bitch I've ever known.
And I said, I just can't wait to tell him that. You don't mind, do you? She says, but wait a minute, he saved my life. But it was just wonderful for us to hear. I've never heard her talk before, and you girls haven't either. And that was just great. Thank you. Now, I'm Joe C., and I'm an alcoholic. And through the grace of God and a lot of wonderful people like you, I haven't had a drink for 15 years and 4 months and 16 days.
And I'm so glad to be at Cedar Glen again, and I've had another fine day because I've been sober. And I love this program. And that's enough of that because my name is also Joe Clary, and I'm a magazine salesman. And I sell subscriptions to the grapevine, and this is the greatest place in the world to sell them. The only difference between now and last year is it cost you $5 instead of $3.50. They've had permission to raise that up there for 4 or 5 years, ever since 69 or 70, and they finally had to do it.
And you know that I didn't have my paper and pencil with me when I walked around a few minutes before dinner. And 3 people wanted to have a grapevine subscription, and I don't know who they are right now, but I haven't got them yet. But I got my pencil and paper and sold 5 coming on the way down tonight. And this is the greatest place in the world to sell them. And they're so much easier to sell for $5 instead of $3.50.
I don't understand it except that just alcoholics remember that in my day we used to pay $5 for a fifth of which we don't. And they just jump at the grapevine. So I'll be glad to take your subscription and send it in, and you can pay for it and give me the money, or I'll have them busy. While I'm here in the next day or two, and I'm the one that's going to have all the fun doing it. I'm still Ex Officio, a member of the grapevine committee in New York.
And our motto back there, and their motto for a long time has been, when anyone anywhere reaches out for a grapevine, we always want a grapevine to be there. Thank you very much. I'd like to ask everybody to stand. We'll close this meeting with the Lord's Prayer. Y'all join hands with me. Come on there close by. Our Father. Who art in heaven. Hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done.
On earth as it is in heaven.
[00:55:01]
Give us this day. Our daily bread. And forgive us our trespasses. As we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation. But deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom. The power. And the glory forever. Amen.