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Source: Suzanne C. & Coleen A – 12 Step Serenity Weekend 2023 Steps Two & Three – Date Unknown.mp3 File: suzanne-c-and-coleen-a-12-step-serenity-weekend-2023-steps-two-and-three-date-unknown.mp3 Duration: 00:30:28
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Thank you. Can you hear me? Okay. Good evening. If I could just ask for a moment of silence, please. Thank you. Hello, my name is Suzanne C. Hi, Suzanne. Hi. And I have been a grateful member of Al-Anon for about seven years now, and I'm very, very happy to have this opportunity to share my experience of how I came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Step two. I'm also very, very grateful to my home group. I have two of them, West Side Women's Saturday, woo-hoo, and New Hope at Bay United on Tuesday afternoons.
The relationships I've formed in that group and the vulnerability that is shared in those rooms is so much a part of why I am here today. It's not by choice that I find myself speaking to a group of people whose lives have been affected by the disease of alcoholism. I believe that I have been led here because my higher power thinks this is the place that I'm supposed to be. I didn't raise my hand and ask for this. I didn't ask for any of this. Standing here now, though, is one of the ways I know my higher power is running the show. She believes in me and put someone in my path to challenge me. All I had to do was be present and say yes. So this is my story on how I came to believe, and I hope that for some of you who might be struggling with this step, I hope that you might find something that speaks to you. The process of preparing today's presentation has given me the opportunity to think back on the events in my life that led me to my first Al-Anon meeting seven years ago. I think of that period of my life as the if-only period. My life had been becoming unmanageable for many years, but I just understood that as the way life is. Life was very, very busy at that time. It was the normal ups and downs of raising a family. There wasn't really any time to stop and think about what was happening, let alone give it a name. My husband's job was stressful, and because he is the oldest child in an alcoholic house, he was very good at fixing other people's problems, and it weighed on him very heavily. His parents' poor health, largely due to alcohol, required his help with a family business that was headed for bankruptcy. At the same time, he was being treated for breast cancer, so there was no money coming in for a while. Our conversations at that time went something like this. If only your father would stop drinking. That's his father. If only we had a buyer for the business. If only you didn't do so much pro bono work, because, you know, he was such a nice guy. He is a nice guy. If only you would have seen the doctor when you suspected.
And then it was, if only you didn't drink so much. So my husband continued to battle the disease, and I did all the usual insane behavior of keeping track, hiding bottles, smelling his breath when he came in the door after a long day, worrying about him, calling him at the office all the time to make sure he was okay. All the things that a normal, loving, insane wife would do, because I wanted him to know that I was there for him, and I was all the time. But I could no longer manage my husband's life. My life had become unmanageable, and I eventually grew tired and fortunately found my way to my first Al-Anon meeting. And I like that phrase, found my way, because it was always there, but I just hadn't found it yet. I recall deliberately walking from the parking lot, from my car, through the parking lot, into the church, thinking, wow, that's something I never thought
[00:05:01]
I'd be doing. But I kind of, you know, marched on in there and didn't know where the room was, and the secretary very loudly said, Al-Anon? I was like, oh, God. So that was my first meeting, and that meeting gave me hope that I might finally be able to help my husband stop drinking, and I even told the group that. I said, this is how we're finally going to stop this disease. We're going to get it out in the public, and we're going to stop the stigma, and we can do this, and this is great. I'm so happy we're talking about it. And while I still believe that removing the social stigma associated with the disease is progress, I did not understand that the part about us finally putting a stop to it was insane thinking.
I went on to say that I am going to go to my grave, I mean, quote, I'm going to go to my grave stopping this so that my children do not have to go through this. And of course, the old timers in that group just smiled, gave me a hug, said keep the focus on me and keep coming back. The next part, next phase of my recovery I call, yes, but. So it was easy for me to take the first step. I was glad I was there. I knew that's where I needed to be. And admit that, yes, I was powerless over the disease, and that my life had become unmanageable, but I doubted that a power greater than myself knew more about my situation than I did. Yes, my life was getting better, but it wasn't because some power greater than myself had anything to do with it. I was the one that was doing all the work. Yes, I planned to keep coming back, but I didn't really believe in God per se. So I was just going to do it my way and it'll be fine. After all, I believe that God helps those who help themselves, so I planned to help myself help my family. I struggled with the word God with a capital G and him with a capital H. I do not consider myself a feminist. I grew up in a home with a father that respected women and it was not a particularly patriarchal dominant household.
We did not pray together as a family, didn't really even discuss religion, but my mother belonged to and attended church regularly and found great joy in it. My father attended only when my mother sang in the choir and then at her funeral, which was standing room only. But my father was a humanist and had a faith that was never discussed, but it was evident in how he lived his life and how he treated people. His influence speaks to me almost daily, and the more I practice the principles of Al-Anon—it always gets you sometimes, doesn't it?—the more I hear my father's voice. My husband and I really didn't talk about faith. I wanted our sons to have a religious foundation because it was the right thing to do as a responsible parent. So I followed the path my mother laid out and took them to Sunday school long enough that they could become members of the Presbyterian Church and then when they grew up and went to college and we got new clergy, we all left.
My husband never attended because, frankly, he just did not want to get up one more day and get out of the house. He worked every day and he wanted Sunday to himself. So when we all stopped going to church, then my husband and I enjoyed Sunday breakfasts together, which was actually pretty nice. So I put step two on hold but continued to go to meetings. Life was getting better. I was getting better, and I decided it was time to take stock in what my role is in this disease, which meant I needed to do some personal inventory. So I got a sponsor, even though I didn't need one, and because I heard that a sponsor can help with working the fourth step. Early on in our meetings, I was sharing with my sponsor at the time something I needed to reason out. I don't even remember exactly what it was, and her question was, have you asked your higher power? And I said, oh, right, there's
[00:10:06]
that God thing again. I forgot about that. Well, I had forgotten because I never believed that a higher power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. Step two. And therefore, I never became willing to accept it. Step three. And here I was trying to take step four and have a hard look into myself while hopscotching my way around like a crossword puzzle. So finally, I got to phase three, which I call why not? So I spent the next few years trying to figure out what this juju was behind a higher power. Since I turned away from a traditional God that I prayed to as a child and a young mother, I was pretty sure it was not right to go back and say, could we try this again? It just seemed like that wasn't going to work. My experience attending church always seemed to leave me feeling like I was missing something. I envy all of those of you who have a spiritual awakening through the traditional route of organized religion. I wanted that to be my path to seeking God, but it was not working for me. My inclination, thank you. I'm over it now though, Louise, that's okay. My inclination is not to do things just because everyone else is doing it. I tend to do things the hard way. I'm stubborn and I don't necessarily believe everything I hear or read. So I had some work ahead of me. I started listening more. I took long walks listening to podcasts, some Al-Anon approved, some not. I listened to speakers at conferences. I listened to song lyrics, to Eckhart Tolle, to Oprah. I read philosophy.
I meditated. I heard all of you and the joy in your voices. And then finally one day, years later, I said, why not me? Why am I being so stubborn? I simply began to act as if, as if I had my own personal power to watch my back. I gave up my will and accepted thy will. I discovered that I do not have to identify what God is. I don't have to know where God lives or where she comes from or how it works. I don't have to give it a name or a gender. I discovered my God is not static. It's fluid. It flows. It envelops. It surrounds.
It adjusts. It's kind and loving and forgiving. I came to understand that when I keep my ego in check, I make room for my higher power to step in. It's a bigger self that lives within me and all around me. It is a life force that I am willing to cooperate with. My God is not a higher up God. It's from the ground up. I envision my God as a tower with a solid base with life experiences that are like building blocks that get stacked without the fear of them falling like the weakness of a Jenga tower.
As a result of my acceptance, my life has been restored to sanity. I have developed a stronger sense of self, not self-will, but confidence, courage, and capability. I have self-love and I practice self-care. More often, I feel joy, a lightness of being. I've gained self-respect and become less shy about speaking my voice. The quiet voices in my head are words of praise and less about defeat. Less often do I feel alone. Instead, when I am alone, I feel peace. And when I lie down at the end of the day, I practice saying, I did my best, now you do the rest. The more I learn about myself, the more I call on my greater power.
[00:15:06]
As a Result of Taking the Step I Was Willing to Become, I Was Able to Become Willing, Step 3, and Finally Step 4, Because I Had Faith that My Higher Power Was Going to Gently Help Me Take an Honest Look at Myself and I Didn't Have to Do It Alone, I Am Not Kidding When I Say The Change Was Immediate, I Thought Well That Was Easy, But It Was Anything But Easy, It Took Several Years Before I Could Take the Action to Come to Believe, I Needed to Question Myself, I Needed to Question Others, I Needed to Question the Process, I Needed to Struggle and Become Vulnerable.
This was all happening during the beginning of COVID and all the shutdowns, and during that time though I had read a quote from Eckhart Tolle that stated, When we become comfortable with uncertainty, infinite possibilities can happen. And that made so much sense to me, I thought why not? I needed to hit bottom in my search for faith, then I was ready. So how do I know that my return to sanity is really a result of my higher power?
I don't, and I've decided it does not matter, I don't have to explain it. But I hope, and that's what the second step did for me, it gave me hope. It's often said that without hope we have nothing. Hope allows us to act as if. Hope allows me to ask, why not? And if you bear with me a minute, hope is what the characters of the Wizard of Oz were lacking. They always had what it took inside them, but they lost hope and it took a power greater than themselves by the name of a wizard to restore it.
The hard part for me in taking step two was the believing. My father always told me to trust my instincts. My instincts tell me to trust my higher power. I had an opportunity to rely on that trust last night. My instincts, guided by my higher power, helped me call on the tools that we have learned to use in this program through practice and attending meetings and reading the literature. I was able to recover and find serenity to put my trust in my higher power's will and trust that I'm on the right path again.
My higher power was with me the whole time when I was writing down the words for this talk and I know it was my higher power that allowed me this opportunity today. Today I am less likely to say if only or yes but and now I can say why not act as if. So I want to thank you, Deedee, for giving me this opportunity and for all of you for listening and sharing all of your courage, strength and hope. Thank you.
Every year I have to chase people down. The first thing that stood out was she said her name was Suzanne and I think I introduced her as Susan so I apologize. You know, when Sharon shared her step one, she said we, we, we. And after listening, it is a we because I'm going to say the same thing. I came to Al-Anon, how do you change that person from stop being the addict? So and then the yes but, great.
And then the learning of our higher power. So many we's in there and I'll assume that there's a lot of we, we's out there.
[00:20:02]
Okay, our next speaker is Colleen. Now I don't know Colleen, but I do know her husband. So I talked to him Wednesday and I said, do you have any tidbits that I could, when I bring her up here? And he said right away that she is the most dedicated Al-Anon person that he knows and he is very grateful for the program and for her. So I don't know where you are, Colleen. Okay. Oh good, so my plant worked.
I'm just kidding, no, I had no idea any of that. Okay, I'm Colleen. I'm here to talk about step three, made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him. It is not a coincidence that I am standing up here right now. I needed to spend some time working on this step. The last few months for me, I've been struggling. I've been back in a place of excessive worry, fear, catastrophizing.
I've been crying a lot. And I have been saying and I feel like I'm putting my armor back on. So in reflection of trying to prepare for this evening about how I've turned my will and life over to the care of God, it's really hard to get my thoughts straight when I've completely taken my will back. So I really had to do a lot of work, a lot of reflection. And so during this time, these past seven days, it's been really powerful for me.
It's actually been a really profound week. So I know I was meant to be asked to do this. So what I heard the people that I cherish in these rooms say to me is that you are actually doing the work. You actually are working this step. And when I heard that, it made sense to me. I didn't really abandon my recovery. I'm just being human right now. And it's okay that I'm having fears. My desire to avoid pain can be very compelling.
I want to control the behavior of everyone around me. And I want to bend all of the outcomes to fit my desires. And so to get to that place, what I do is I put my guard up. I liken it to the days when I would mark the liquor bottles in the cabinet, trying to get some power back. My hearing is extra heightened, like through four walls, I'm listening for the sound. Back to the watchful eye. I'm watching you.
I'm going to read your mind, I'm going to read your thoughts, I'm going to tell you how you should behave. I'm going to tell you how to do it right, how to do it better, because I need you to do that so I can be okay. All my wants, my needs, they're all going to be met when you just listen to me. So when I get like this, I'm just going to toughen up and I cannot depend on anyone anymore. My lack of trust, it continues to deepen and there is a feeling of impending doom that follows me everywhere.
And at this point, I just completely bypass my higher power. I got it. You're busy. I'm not going to bother you. I know what I want. I know when I want it. So I got it. I'm just going to take care of it myself. And so now this place I'm in, this is when I know that my serenity has escaped me.
[00:25:03]
So knowing it, I've completely bypassed my higher power and I cannot rely on anyone, even God. I can't be needy. And so I'm going to become overly independent and not count on you, I'm going to count on myself. I'm going to carry it all on my own. So when I exist on this island, when I'm isolated, I'm a very anxious person. I get all twisted, literally my guts feel twisted. My breathing becomes typically very shallow.
My thoughts race and reentering my vocabulary is yes, but. And so in the reflection this week, I realized I get to decide how long I want to stay here today. Because what I know is my serenity is my responsibility. And I have been given the gift of serenity. When I was watching my boys and their active disease, I got to a point where I believed it would be easier to just not wake up than to have to deal with the effects of their use.
I was hopeless. And the despair was very thick. And I found myself literally on my hands and knees crawling. And I finally surrendered. I physically had my hands up in the air. And I said, enough, I'm done. I have tried everything. My way has not worked. And I think he said, carry me. And he did. And there were miracles that happened because I made that decision. The place my life is today is 100% because I made that choice.
And so I can go back to that place now because I've been there. And what that place feels like is safe. It's sturdy. I can exhale and everything slows down. That is a place where my serenity rests. So all of the frustration, the failures, my mistakes, it's all been necessary for me. I've experienced exactly what I needed to, to get back to the place where I want to be. I know that the most direct way to get to that peace is through my higher power.
And I also know that that choice is mine. And so I'm looking at the paths. And there's the straight path and there's a really crooked one that's full of all the holes and the pitfalls and twists and the turns. I'm going to pick that more difficult path sometimes. But I will end up eventually over on that straight path. And so when I'm wearing all of my armor, God has to use like a flamethrower to get to me.
But when I take the armor off, you know, he can whisper and I can hear him. You know, so it's just a matter of how difficult I want to make it for myself. How much time do I want to spend? How much pain do I need to feel? So I know my armor's right here. I took it off this week, but it's right here. And so I probably will pick it back up. I probably will put it back on at some point. But that's okay.
Because I know how to get out of it again. So I ask myself this question this week, and I'm going to close and ask you, challenge you to ask maybe yourself this question also. Am I willing to accept God's help in whatever form it comes to me? In what is available? In What Is Available to Me Today. If yes, great.
[00:30:02]
I'm going to have a chance to grow, and if not, that's okay too, because I can be guaranteed it's going to circle back again. Thank you. Applause