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Source: Kathy H – OAR 2011 – Date Unknown.mp3 File: kathy-h-oar-2011-date-unknown.mp3 Duration: 01:12:19
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Okay. That's good? That's good. Okay, thanks. My name is Kathy. I'm recovering one a day at a time in the Worldwide Al-Anon Family Group. Hi to all you caring and compassionate people. Lower your expectations. It's really good to be here. I, you know, I got to come up yesterday, which was such a good suggestion of Karen. Karen called me a while ago to invite me to come to the conference. And it's just been, you know, a lovely, a lovely really two days. I've enjoyed my time with Helen and Sylvia and Claudia and Mike and then to get to meet Joyce and Nick. Nick, who is your speaker for tomorrow night. It's just been, it's just filled me with a lot of gratitude. That's all I can tell you. Even though when I finally got here, I don't know why I thought 77 ran just right outside Columbus. So when I finally got to 77 and then finally got to Salt Fork, and then it was another seven miles to the damn lodge. I thought, oh my God. I'm so glad I didn't hitch up here, you know, and just say to the person that picked me up, just drop me off here at the entrance.
I'm here, you know. So thank you for your introduction. That was really great. All right. Now, you know, I, I, this is really my bedtime, but I'm going to stay awake for it. And I just wanted to say that one of my kids, one of the boys, of course, one of those smart aleck boys, whenever he asks me a question and I start to answer it, he goes like this. Fast forward, fast forward, fast forward. I know, what a brat. But I know I can be, I can talk. So I'm going to pay attention to the time because it is, it is late and most of you have just got here and you're tired. And so I'll just start out by saying that I really, you know, we say in Al-Anon in our literature that it's important to look at the past without staring at it. And I always thought that was a good little piece of wisdom out of one of our many wisdom-filled pieces of literature. And so, you know, when I look back at growing up, I have to say I, I had a wonderful experience growing up. I, you know, grew up in the state of Ohio, which sometimes when I go like to the coasts or somewhere that's a little more exotic, I think to myself, why didn't my parents, you know, have a little more gumption and get out of the mid, you know, get out of the Midwest.
What's wrong with sunny California, you know? What's wrong with New England? And yet when I fly back to Ohio and I'm looking out the window and I see the rivers and the trees and the heartland, I think, oh God, I love living in the Midwest. I really do. So I'm a Midwest kid who grew up in, you know, middle-class family. I'm a middle child. Just pretty average except for a few things. One of which, my parents have, both have a very irreverent sense of humor. They're very, very funny people. And when we were kids, we were raised to, there was like this competition in my family. It still exists. I'm one of six kids. There's always, you know, competition to who can say the funniest things and who can be the sharpest and who can be the quickest. It can be exhausting. But as a kid, you know, it just kept you on your toes and it always kept you looking at the bright side of life. The other thing it did for me is it taught me to minimize things. When I was a kid, my parents, even though they were really loving, and most importantly, they really loved one another.
But when we were kids, nobody ever asked us how we were feeling. I don't know if that happened to you. So feelings, we didn't really talk about that because nobody really cared how you felt when you were a kid. I can't imagine saying to my parents, oh, I'm really feeling left out or I'm really feeling angry. I mean, who would listen, you know? I mean, it just wasn't important. But what was important was what the neighbors thought. I mean, what was important was how things looked. I mean, that's just the way it was. My father could
[00:05:01]
be very loud and very funny, and I can remember my mother would always say, Jack, what will the neighbors think? I mean, it was just always what would the neighbors think. And so, not that my parents instilled it in me, but somewhere along the line, I learned to pay attention to what you were thinking. I mean, what you thought of me was important. And you take that with over 16 years of an education given to me by really good and loving nuns. And they were, but I mean, that, you know, if you're familiar with that line of education, it was, you know, doing for others and putting yourself last. And this little nun, St. Mary of Edward, joy, the secret of joy, Jesus, others, yourself. I mean, that was really pounded into us. And I have to say, I don't turn my back on that message of love and service, because that's exactly what I hear in Al-Anon, that we are rooted in those principles of love and service. But when I was a kid, and then in high school, and certainly in college, and in my early 20s, you know, what I heard, or what I thought I had heard was, you know, disregard yourself, you know, dismiss yourself, and, you know, pay attention to somebody else.
And I don't think that's what they meant. Today, I don't think that's what they meant. But you know, alcoholism is so damn messy. It's just muddy. That's the only way I can describe it. Things just got muddy for me, and cloudy for me. And I tried to apply lessons that I thought I had learned to a situation that was just out of control. For me, alcoholism was, and it can still be, a disease of false impressions. Because I always was filled with these false impressions that I could somehow, you know, maneuver, manipulate, fix, control.
And I was always, you know, I was always frustrated. It's really in Al-Anon where I learned that, you know, failure is the beginning of wisdom. That was what was true for me. That was what was true for me. But anyway, I come out of this house that's, you know, it's kind of like a yuck a minute. And one time I went to, and I say that fondly, one time I went to a, after I was married, I went to a social worker, and she said, well, tell me about your family. And I said, my family? And she said, yes, how about your family of origin?
And I said, well, you know, in my family, we just, you know, as things came up, we just dealt with them with a great deal of humor. And she said, well, that's kind of sick. And I thought to myself, well, maybe it was, but it was so much fun. Because I grew up with a sense of security, and I felt, I trusted happiness. And that's one of the things alcoholism took away from me. I no longer trusted happiness. And I didn't feel secure. And I didn't feel like I had a sense of choice or sense of freedom. It wasn't until I came to Al-Anon, until I came to you, and I began to see that you were doing things differently. You were living like men and women who were living with choices. And that was huge. And it still is today.
It still is today. That sense of freedom that the principles of this program have given me over the years is just, well, it just arms me with a sense of gratitude and confidence. And it's a good way to live. Grateful and confident. It's a great way to live. Going back, even though I was one of those kids that always followed the rules, or I didn't really always follow the rules, but I was smart enough to know how far you could bend the rules before you'd get into trouble. So I was the kid that always closed the door right before the cops raided the party. I was the one that always just got in my car and driven away. As all the sirens and the flashing lights were headed to the party, I just left. I just always was that close, but colored within the lines.
But I always had this great admiration for kids that broke the rules. Because I always felt like they had what I was missing. I guess it was courage or something. But I never said what I thought. I always said what I thought you would want me to say. And if you were feeling badly, I knew it was my job to make you feel better.
[00:10:00]
Always admired those boys that ate meat on Friday. It took a lot of gumption. So it's no surprise that when I met my husband, I had a friend. I didn't really know her well. It was an acquaintance, this gal that I kind of knew. She called me one day while I was in college and said, my brother's coming to town. He's in marine flight school down in Meridian, Mississippi. And I fixed him up with just about everybody I know.
That should have been a red flag. But she said, I'm wondering, would you be willing to go out with him? Well, not at the time. I'm going out with just the nicest guy you'd ever want to meet in the world, this little nice sweet guy from Indianapolis. Just kind and patient, loving and loyal. But it's summer. And he's back in what we used to call it nap town. So he's back in Indianapolis. So I thought, well, what the heck? You know this guy. The Vietnam War is going on. The least I can do is go out with this poor marine.
So I said yes. And you can imagine. I mean, I liked him from the beginning. He was just this really dangerous kind of guy. I mean, just the kind of guy that fascinated me. He didn't care what he said. He didn't care what you thought about him. I mean, first night that he was in town, he picked me up, he had this silver monogram cup filled to the top with bourbon. I just somehow thought that was romantic or exciting or something. I mean, I was a stupid 20-year-old kid and I was like, wow. And he walked with a swagger, you know the type anyway. Well, no, maybe you don't. I mean, everybody's different. But he was of a type. He was just of a type. And so I just thought he was the neatest guy.
There were a few things over a period of time that I noticed. One was the anger. You just never knew when he was going to explode and blow up. And I never was sure what would trigger it. And on the one hand, that frightened me. On the other hand, if you can believe this, I thought it was kind of refreshing because I didn't grow up in an angry household. I grew up burdened by parents. I always say I was burdened as a child by a happy marriage because my parents didn't fight. My mother's this first generation, bright orange, reddish hair, freckled face, Irish gal with a hot temper. But my dad is the funniest. He would never think about getting into a fight. I said to him one time, Dad, don't you ever get angry? And he said, oh, it takes so much energy. So my mother might slam around cabinets and holler and he would say, Agnes, come over here and let me smother you with kisses. She really hated that. But I mean, there was just no fighting there.
So I'm not, you know, here's this guy and he gets mad if you don't, you know, the guy at the restaurant, he goes to the restaurant and they don't fix his steak just right. He sends it back. Oh my God. I would eat raw meat before I would ever dream about sending it back. And offending the chef, who I know then will spit in my food, I would never do that. So anyway, I don't want to spend a lot of time on this because I could go on for hours.
But this is what happened. You know, I'm living in Cincinnati. I got out of school and then I started teaching school in Chicago. And he, you know, with the Marines, he's in Meridian, Mississippi, he's in Pensacola, Florida, blah, blah, blah, and all these different places. So we're just, you know, we're just kind of dating on the weekends when we can or when I can get back to Cincinnati and he can get back to Cincinnati.
And I just, a lot of the stuff that I saw, I just attributed to the fact that it was a long distance relationship. And if we ever ended up in the same city, whatever it was that seemed to be torturing him so much, I would be able to fix it. Of course I would. I mean, 16 years of all that, you know, in my head and this loving family, I can fix that in no time. You know, I'll make light of all these big problems and I'll just show him the way. And that's really what I thought. I mean, that's what I thought. I thought I had the answers. I thought I had the answers for everybody, really.
And I was only 21 years old. So we decided to get married. That happened pretty quickly because of Vietnam. One time at Christmas, I came home from Chicago. He was on leave. We were having dinner with his family. He told his family he had an announcement. Having dinner with his family. He told his family he had an announcement to make.
[00:15:01]
I didn't know what that announcement was, and he announced that we were getting married. And I didn't know that. I didn't know that. But you see, I'm the kind of person that really would never have said at 21 years of age, hold it, wait a minute, we haven't discussed that. This is a little premature, don't you think? No. What I thought was, huh? Well, I guess we'd probably get married anyway. I mean, it was going to happen, and maybe sooner than later, he does hit Vietnam.
How could I be thinking about myself? How selfish am I? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know, you know those nuns. That's suffering. That's the ticket, buddy. You know, that's what shapes you into a real woman, a lot of suffering. But only if it's silent. Only if it's silent suffering. So that's what happened. It's Christmas, and I call this poor little nun in Chicago to tell her I'm leaving. And we got married in January. I mean, it was just that quick.
We made the announcement in December, got married in January. I'm pregnant in February. And in March, he gets his orders to go to Vietnam. And in that short period of time, between January and when he left, I couldn't tell you what happened. But all I know is this. Ten days into my marriage, I knew I was in over my head. I knew I was in over my head, and I was terrified. And some of it had to do with drinking, and some of it didn't.
But a lot of it had to do with that never knowing what was going to happen next. I was never sure who I was supposed to be at any given moment. And so I began that habit of waiting to see how he was, so I would then be able to know what was safe for me. If he was in a good mood, I got in a good mood. If he was in a bad mood, I laid low. And I tried to make sure that you stayed out of his way, because I didn't want to see you get hurt.
Now, what really happened was, ten days in, I thought, oh, you've got to get out of here. I mean, you've just got to go. This isn't going to work, and you're never going to be able to fix it. Wait until he goes to work, get a check out of that checkbook, make your way over to New Bern, North Carolina, and get a flight home. This isn't working. That was my first instinct, was to get out of there. But what stopped me, and what always stopped me for the next twelve and a half years until I found you, was, how will that look?
You've been married ten days. How will that look? As loving as my parents were, they came out of that, you made your bed, you lion at school. And so, I just thought, forget that idea. You're just going to have to put on your big girl pants and just soldier on. And so I took those feelings of confusion, of fear, and just ignored them. And I think that's one of the most damaging things, one of the many damaging things that happened to me as a result of this disease, and that is, first of all, learning to not trust and to ignore one's instincts.
And the second thing is, it just kind of hollowed me out. They were just feelings that just weren't safe to feel. They just weren't safe for me to feel. Now, I have to say, and this is just my own experience, that even today, I mean twenty-something, twenty-nine almost, well, twenty-nine years later, in the program, when I hear people dismiss really serious things, that's not the kind of recovery that I want.
I've had a couple of my sons appear before me in a court of law in handcuffs and shackles. And there's no inoculation for that kind of pain. And I do not want to be the kind of woman that says, well, they got themselves into it, I'm just blah, blah, blah, that's okay with me, blah, blah, blah. No. That's painful. It is just painful. What I want to do is I want to have that network of men and women that I can call, that I can meet with, that I can weep with and say, this is hard.
I know I'm powerless, but this is painful to watch. People I love, kids that I raised go through this, that's hard.
[00:20:00]
It's hard. And then to let it go. But man, I've got to admit it first. But see, what I didn't do in those days, I just couldn't. Because I didn't have words. And I had nowhere to go with it. So I just pretended like it wasn't happening. And I lived in denial, really. In denial of my own feelings is what I did. So he's gone in May, I go back to Cincinnati. And you know what else I set up for me? I'm with all these Marine Corps wives who are all, of course, wringing their hands because their husbands are being sent to Vietnam.
I can't wait. So it sets up for me that lying thing, that pretending otherwise. They're all like, oh, maybe we should all stay here in Havelock. We can do this and do that. And I'm like, you've got to be kidding me. I'm going home. I'm like, well, I don't know. Yes, it'll be tough. But I think maybe I'll just go home. And I couldn't wait to go home. Because I thought, you know, I'll just get home and I'll figure this out.
I'll just figure this out. So I get home, call the priest that married us almost immediately. And as I'm walking out of my parents' front door, my mother says to me, I hope you're not going to tell him anything personal. No. So I go down to this guy and I say, I don't know what's wrong, but blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And this is what's happening. He said, you know, you come from a long line of pretty aggressive women.
Maybe you just need to take a back seat in this marriage. But, you know, given what I told him, what could he say? I mean, I've only given out this much information because I have this loyalty thing that I really can't share with anybody what huge things are going on, really. So I only can tell you that much of my story. I don't know what you're supposed to do with that. And that was a pattern for me as well.
When I would go to other sources, you know, go to the psychologist, and she'd say, maybe you need to learn to speak in I statements. This was like years later when he had come home safely. I think I statements, that sounds good. So I'd go home and I'd say, I hate you. How's that for an I statement? Anyway. So, you know, you just go from one place to another and you think maybe it's this, maybe it's that.
And honest to God, it wasn't until, it was not until I came to that very first beginners meeting of Al-Anon, it was the first time that I ever had a sense of, this is where I belong. This is it. This is it. They get it. They're there. I am home. I am home. That is the way that I felt at April the 5th, 1982. And I feel that way today, buddy. I mean, I am right where I am supposed to be. And again, it's never the stories that would connect us, although some of our stories are similar, some of ours aren't.
It's always those feelings. It's always those feelings, I think, that, you know, where we just nod our head, you know, it's so familiar to us all. The gratitude that comes with recovery is just, for me, overwhelming. It really is. So he comes back from Vietnam. Things just don't get much better. When he got out of the service, he decided to go to dental school. I have no idea why, because this guy grew up on a horse farm.
I mean, his father raised horses, and he was always with big animals, and he had always told me he was going to be a veterinarian, which, of course, if you know anything about it, it's almost impossible to get in a veterinary school. They have so many desks and a million people for each desk. But I don't know. He came home one day from flying, and he said, I'm going to go to dental school. I think I'm going to be a dentist.
So I was like, well, that's, you know, whatever. And so he got out of the service, and we went to Ohio State, and he went through dental school. Before he left for dental school, he was in a bar fight and got badly beaten. He had to have surgery to correct a torn eye duct. It was a bouncer that got him with brass knuckles. It was just ugly. But whatever happened, he didn't drink. I mean, that was it, you know?
In dental school, it was not a drop of liquor. And I thought, of course, it was because I had been patient and loving and long-suffering and noble.
[00:25:00]
I thought, you know, those nuns weren't right. They weren't wrong. This works. Look at this. It works. All that self-sacrifice, it works. He's great. Got his dental degree, came back to Cincinnati, and everything, of course, went up in flames. Because it's a progressive disease, because it doesn't go away, because it just gets worse, and because now he has the ability to write himself prescriptions for narcotics.
That didn't last long. Because he was arrested and thrown out of dentistry. I know. But anyway. Oh, Lord. But you know what's remarkable there, however, is not him, but me. Because it's just my ability to scramble, my ability to try to always stay one step ahead of the insanity. My willingness, you know, to go to any lengths to try to keep from you the reality of my life. Because, honestly, I didn't really care what you thought about him.
I was concerned what you would think about me if you knew what I was living with. Because I was never addicted to the alcoholic. I was always addicted to approval. I just wanted you to think that I had everything under control and that things were going well and I had the kind of life that I'd always dreamt of having. None of it was true. But I just wanted you to think that. So I kept all those secrets.
Nobody knew he was thrown out of dentistry. Nobody ever found that out. It never hit the papers. My father was in the news business, and I don't know if they kept it out out of respect for my father or what. Nobody ever knew it. I just told people that he was just too big of a guy to be a dentist. What does that mean? I don't know. But when I was a little kid, my father used to tell me I should go into public relations.
I think because I was always kind of an exaggerator and a liar. But I took it as a compliment. But I could package this whole thing up and sell it. What he began to do was he came from a family of hunters. I mean, they used to hunt pheasant and quail and stuff like that. And he just began hunting in his unemployment. I mean, he's thrown out of dentistry. I don't know what he's going to do. He's a jet pilot.
He has no more jets to fly, a dentist that's lost his practice. And I'm telling you, I don't know why that's funny because it's tragic. Because he is so damn talented. He is so talented. Everything he did, he did well. And to just watch that crumble before your very eyes and you're thinking, am I upset for me? Am I upset for him? I'm upset for everybody. What is wrong here? Why can't he just get it together?
And I know that look that I would give him like, what is wrong with you, buddy? Get your act together. You're so talented. And then I would go on and tell him how talented he was and he'd say, I was a psychology major at school. Don't try to turn that trick on me. But anyway, he took up hunting and he took up fur trading. And, you know, he used to – that isn't so funny, Karen. In the 1780s, it was a very lucrative profession.
Get out the deer slayer and re-read it. But anyway, but in the 1980s, I mean, how do you tell people your husband's a fur trapper in the city? But I used to tell people that. I'd say, oh, yeah, you know, he traps furs and then he sells them downtown to this guy on Ray Street. Yeah, it's great. And the kids would say when they'd come home from school, And the kids would say when they'd come home from school, what do we put down for dad's profession?
I was so annoyed with schools. I couldn't believe. Weren't there HIPAA rules or something back then? Why do they have to know what our profession is? We're paying the tuition bills. So I said, well, just put down independent businessman. I mean, it was just always this circling, you know, of the wagons, trying to protect everybody from what's going on except for me. And inside me, I'm dying. I mean, I'm dying a thousand deaths.
I was so, you know, I kept thinking, how could you have been so stupid? Why didn't you see this when you were 20 years old, 21 years old? Why didn't you see it? There were all kinds of signs. And who did you think you were? Nothing my husband ever said to me was anywhere as cruel. was anywhere as cruel or as destructive as what I would say to myself. What I would say
[00:30:01]
to myself. And at night, you know, of course we have no money, and on this piece of property where his father used to race quarter horses, they had, I mean it's like 360 acres, this great land outside the city, and overlooks the Ohio River and the hills of Kentucky, I mean it was spectacular land. They had this little tiny summer house, and that's where we lived. And we were only going to live there when he got out of dental school, until of course we could afford to build our own home on the property, like his brothers and sisters had, or some of his sisters had, it was like a family compound. But we're living in this little summer house, and I mean we're not going anywhere, we've got nothing, we can't even pay the rent, I mean we have to borrow gasoline money, it was just crazy. But I used to go outside at night after I got those kids to bed, and I would look up at the sky, and I held on to this belief in a loving and compassionate God. But somehow I thought, you know I would say to God, you know, thank you for my childhood, it was great. And if your plan for me is that you're going to balance that out with this miserable adulthood, alright, alright, I can't complain. Because also I know that's a sin, so I'm not going to complain, God knows. But I can't believe this is what you want for the kids. I can't believe that the loving God of my experience would want children to suffer. And my kids were, I mean my kids were terrified because we're living in a house that is tense and that is scary. And I'm living with the fact that I cannot give my children what I had as a child. I cannot give them that security, I can't give them that freedom of choice. And I know they don't trust happiness.
And it's just an awful place to be. It's just an awful place to be as a woman, and it's a terrible place to be as a mother. So quickly what happened was one of my husband's sisters, who lived on the compound, joined Alcoholics Anonymous. I mean she first went to Al-Anon, but I think she only went to one meeting, when the women in the meeting said, you know, there's a meeting across the hallway that you might like even better than this one. And so she went, and then another sister joined AA, then another sister joined AA, and pretty soon I'm surrounded by these women in Alcoholics Anonymous. And because there was a pool on the property when the summer was coming, you know, they would sit around the pool with me and, you know, we'd talk about recovery, and they would talk about, you know, the 12 steps, they would talk about their sponsors, they would talk about the fellowship. I was thrilled for them. I mean that sincerely. I saw them change. I mean we talk about that tradition, you know, attraction rather than promotion. These gals became so attractive, but I had no interest. I mean I knew what they were doing. I mean I knew they were coming for me. And I just had no interest in going to Al-Anon. I mean really, I had already been as I told you. I mean five to six months into the marriage, I was already looking for help. And I had been here and there and here and there over a long period of time with no relief, with no answers, and so I just settled on what I would call my eight-year plan. You know, Rick was four years older than I was. Women generally outlive men by about four years. So I just thought at the end of my life I would have these eight years where I didn't have to worry, you know.
I didn't have to worry about things. I didn't have to worry about, you know, the steel leg hold traps that he set up all over the property. And we're living on this family compound where, you know, with encroaching suburbs and now, you know, there are neighbor women who are sending their kids, they used to send their kids out to play, but not when they found out about the steel leg hold traps. So I used to just call them, you know, the Stepford wives and make, of course, make fun of them because, you know, what's wrong with them if your child gets, you know, if your child walks into a steel leg hold trap? You just open up the teeth and release the kid. And so I, what's, move out to the country. Why didn't they stay in the city? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, you know. And then Rick got these infrared glasses so he could hunt at night. And now, they're calling because they're missing their house cats. And I'm like, oh, Jesus. I don't even want to answer the phone anymore. I don't know where Boots is. I don't know where Boots is. I don't want
[00:35:06]
to know where Boots is. I can't help you. But it just, it gets to be too much. It gets to be too much. So now these gals are in recovery and I'm exhausted. You know, I'm exhausted trying to keep the secret. I'm exhausted trying to pretend like everything's great and this is such an exciting, non-traditional life and it suits me to a T. And really inside, I'm just finished. I'm just finished. So, oh, and I was pregnant with child number seven.
I forgot that part. Oh, shit. I guess you're not Mormons. Anyway. Well, that was a big factor because these sisters are talking about being a family disease and I'm thinking, oh my God, if this is a family disease, my eight-year plan is in jeopardy. So, I went to a meeting. I went to a beginner's meeting and, you know, what I heard there is what I still hear today in my meetings. I mean, time after time after time. I said to this gal, I don't know if my husband's an alcoholic or not, to tell you the truth. I have no idea. He doesn't seem to drink every day. He can spend long periods of time away from drink. I don't know.
And she said, well, let me ask you this. Has his drinking ever been a problem in your life? And I said, well, let me tell you this. Every time that he drinks, it's a problem because somebody gets hurt. Every time he drinks, it's a problem because somebody gets hurt. And she said, well, then this is a program for you. This is a program for you. And, you know, it's funny. Just the other day, I got a call from a gal who's in her late 20s. She's engaged to a kid that drinks a lot. And she said to me, I'm so afraid to tell him I'm going to Al-Anon because then he'll think I'm saying he's an alcoholic and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I said to her, well, I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you what I did. When I went to Al-Anon, I told my husband I was going to Al-Anon because I had a problem. I had a problem with his drinking. It was about me. And that's what Ruth in that beginner's meeting told me. She said, you're in the right place because Al-Anon is a program for you. And that's what I heard on April 5th. And that's what I continue to hear in the meetings that I go to. Al-Anon is a program for me so that I can recover from the profound effects of this family disease of alcoholism. And that's what I heard. And, you know, she said to me, alcoholism is a disease that you didn't cause, you can't cure, and you can't control. And that was the very first time anyone had suggested to me that it wasn't my job to fix this. That it wasn't my job to, you know, straighten him up or straighten him out. That my love, you know, because I thought, you know, if I could just love him well enough, that would fix it. There's this woman telling me, really, you know, your job right now is to pay attention to you and to begin to look at yourself, your own behavior, and your own attitudes. And that was clear to me from the very beginning.
And so I began to, you know, regularly attend this meeting. And I'll tell you, what really caught my attention from the get-go were these men and women and what they were sharing, because it was very different from the way that I was living. I mean, they talked about, you know, that idea of letting go and letting God, you know, of getting out of the way, of just working the steps and practicing the principles and finding a sponsor. And the importance of my doing that and just letting God, you know, really letting the grace of God flow freely in my life, if I could just get out of the way. Because I had been blocking it. I had been blocking it with my attitude. I had been blocking it with my thinking, with my belief that I, you know, that I was in charge. And now I'm with these people who just are thinking radically different. You know, it was in Al-Anon that a woman said to me, or, no, she, you know, she did say to me, she said, you know, you'll never get better until you get to admit how sick you are yourself. Oh! I was crazy about her. You can only imagine. But I know, I mean, I know today what she meant. You know, I see today what she meant because I had never taken a look at me. I was so focused on somebody else.
And we say in our literature that the beginning of love, it's a quote from Thomas Merton,
[00:40:00]
the beginning of love is to allow those we love to be themselves perfectly. That's what Al-Anon has given me. That's a great gift. That's a great gift. I went over to Germany. I wasn't going to tell this story. You know, I have to be so careful. A woman came up to me in a meeting two weeks ago. And honestly, in Cincinnati, I don't, I mean, I've been speaking for a number of years, but I lay low in Cincinnati. I don't talk about, I mean, I just am a member of, you know, just a member of my group. And this woman came up to me after the meeting. She said, you know, I was listening to one of your tapes and I always kind of cringe because I think, don't think I know anything because I don't know anything.
You know, I'm just, I don't know anything more than you do. So don't look at me like I've got answers because I don't. But she said, you know, I was wondering about your son, blah, blah, blah. She named him and I haven't named my sons or daughters. I haven't used a kid in years. And yet, you know, there were years when I was, you know, firing off their names because they were just little people. But now they're adults. So I'm really much more protective. So I'm trying to figure out how I can tell this story anonymously and it'll kind of work, I guess. But anyway, I went over to Germany to see this one anonymous child of mine and, who's stationed over there. And as it turned out, of course, wouldn't you know, I accidentally planned the trip, the first opening weekend of Oktoberfest in Munich. So he had said to me, now, you know, Saturday is the opening day of Oktoberfest in Munich. And I was like, you know what, that's great. You know, if you want to go there, okay, you know, go there. I'm not getting up at six in the morning to grab a seat at a Hofbrauhaus. But, you know, that's fine. You know, go and I'll make my way to Munich on the train and I'll find you there. And, you know, it just was, it was just great.
I found the kid, believe it or not, a million people the opening day of Oktoberfest in Munich. But I found that cute kid, plopped down on a little bench next to him, you know, met all of his, you know, service people, buddies. And it was a beautiful afternoon and I could really enjoy it because of you. Because of you. He's got a big style. I mean, you know, at Oktoberfest, if you've been there, I mean, I don't know how it's humanly possible to consume that much beer. So they put one down in front of me and, I mean, I can drink a beer but I can't possibly, if it were water, I couldn't have consumed it. It's just too much liquid for my poor body. So I just, you know, worked, worked and I got about half of it. And finally, I was done with Oktoberfest. And I said to this kid, you know what, I'm going to go. I'll meet you back at your apartment. You know, have a great time. And then, the Irish in me, of course, I took that, you know, half thing of beer and I poured it into his, waste not, want not. And he turned to me and he said, isn't this funny? I can't believe I'm at Oktoberfest with my mother. And secondly, isn't it funny after all your stuff about our drinking and this and that, you're filling my stein up to the brim. I said to him, yes, it is rather humorous but you know what, you're still alive today, aren't you? And that's the good news, you know, that's the good news. Because I always thought that I had to live this life above reproach. That I had to live perfectly in order to set this example for those around me as to how they were to live. You know, I had to set the bar because I was the keeper of truth and justice in the house. And it's so, I mean, it's just so exhausting and it's false. And it's false. And that's what Al-Anon has given me, the freedom to just be who I am. I go to a meeting with a woman today that always says, you know, none of us should really aspire to be anything more than human. And really, that's what Al-Anon shows me time after time after time, is that I'm enough for today. You are enough for today.
And so that idea of letting go and letting God, that idea of, you know, loving people for where they are just at the moment, that's a great freedom. It's just a great freedom. Someone once taught me early on, you know, that you could be right. You could be right. Being able to say that instead of getting into these, you know, these big, deep, philosophical arguments, you know, where I always felt like I had to come out on top and I had to prove my point. To be able just to say, you know, you could be right.
until I had come around for a while to see how deeply I had been affected by this disease,
[00:45:05]
how I had been hollowed out, and I had to use, you know, the wisdom of the group as my higher power for a long time to shepherd my behavior, to shepherd my thoughts and my attitudes into something that was healthy. And it's from the men and women that I learned, you know, the importance of turning my life and will over to the care of God, as I understood God in my own life. You know, we say that detachment is neither kind nor unkind. It's just that we come to a point where we realize it's unhealthy and it's futile to get caught up in someone else's consequences. Sometimes I think of alcoholism as quicksand, and you know, detachment allows me to stay away from that swamp of quicksand, because all it takes for me, you know, is that little thought, I bet I can fix this, you know, maybe I could make this better for them if I, and then, you know, it's got me, it's got me. And so I need a community of men and women who practice these principles in their lives to keep me in a good place, in a good place. Nothing really ever changed for me until I got a sponsor, and until I did a fourth step, because really, I mean, I had spent 12 and a half years asking the wrong questions. For 12 and a half years, my focus was on him. And so it was doing a fourth step where I began to look at what we call, you know, the four Ms, mothering, manipulating, martyrdom, and managing. I had to look at my own arsenal of weapons of mass destruction that I had, you know, that I had developed over the years, those that really destroy love and respect in any relationship. I had to look at the relationship itself for years, you know, I was one foot in the door and one foot out the door, and it's no way to maintain an intimate relationship like that. For years, I spent, you know, gathering, gathering evidence and building a case against him. You just can't, I mean, that's, you know, there's, talk about putting a damper on love, that will do it, you know, I had a long, long memory. And Al-Anon tells us, you know, what does Al-Anon say? It's not, you know, we don't, we don't, let's see, forgiving isn't forgetting, it's letting go of the pain. I mean, that's the difference. Forgiving isn't forgetting, but it's letting go of the pain. And that only came for me in doing an honest fourth and fifth step. It's in the fifth step that I learned, really, not only to forgive others, but most importantly, to forgive me, to forgive myself, and to forgive the world. Because I have a darling kid who has already spent two years, I mean, more than two years, two duties in Iraq, and now it's going to be sent back in the spring into Afghanistan. And, you know, that's just, you know, we had a very bad scare his last tour of duty. He flies a Chinook, and he flies west to Baghdad his last tour, and I've got one of those computers that when you turn it on, you know, the news pops up on my saver screen or whatever. So I was heading out for a meeting, and my screen came up, and it said, you know, Chinook down west to Baghdad, all, you know, everybody was lost. And I thought, oh my God, west to Baghdad, that's where he flies, that's where he flies, that's what he flies, and that's the time of day he flies. And I don't know if you ever had that feeling where you feel like somebody just set your hair on fire, but that's the feeling that I had, and I remember pushing myself away from the desk, and I'm a pacer, and I can't pace indoors, I've got to go outside. So I went outside, and I began to pace, and I thought to myself, you know, well, I didn't think to myself, I prayed to God, and I said, you know, I am hoping that my kid is safe, but if my kid isn't safe, I know I'll be all right, because of the men and women that I hang on to all the time in my life. And, you know, that's the only thing that I know to say, because Al-Anon has taught me, having a sponsor and sponsoring women and being committed to this program keeps me in a place, but it does not keep me out of a world. It does not keep me out of a world where things don't continue to happen. We live in a world. It teaches me, though, particularly through that fourth and fifth step, to forgive myself and others and the world at large for not being a perfect place. It's just not a perfect place.
[00:50:09]
It's not a perfect place. It's not a perfect place. It's not a perfect place. It's not a perfect place. It's not a perfect place. It's not a perfect place. It's not a perfect place. It's not a perfect place. It's not a perfect place. It's not a perfect place. Not a bad guy, just a sick guy. Not a bad guy, just a sick guy. That changes everything. How do you treat the sick? Three years after I'm in, things are changing for us. They're really, really changing for us because of you and because of this new way of thinking, this new way of being that you've introduced me to.
One Memorial Day years ago, 1985, I've only been in three years, he went out to fly and he never returned. He was killed on impact. It just was not good. When I was coming home that afternoon, before I got the word the cops were waiting for me at the end of the driveway, and I was coming home with the kids, and I saw him following me up the driveway and I thought, Holy Mother of God, if I've got a speeding ticket, that will probably wipe us out.
I mean, that will be the end of our savings. I can't even send this eighth grader on a field trip. We had nothing. And they pulled me over in front of the little summer house and I got out of the car and he said, why don't you send your kids in the house? And I knew. I mean, as soon as he said, send your kids in the house, I felt like my mouth was moving as he was telling me. His mother happened to be coming up the driveway at the time.
They broke the news to me. One of them walked over to her and she was not well and broke the news to her. And as she came towards me with her arms out, this frail little woman, she put her arms around me and she said, thank God he's out of his suffering. I know. I mean, she had no recovery in her own life. But that was her child. He was one of seven, but that was her wounded son. And for her to say that, for me, it made all the difference in the world because from that moment,
[00:55:03]
that's how I began to think of it. Thank God he's out of his suffering. I don't know why he didn't make it to AA. He's got five out of his seven siblings in Alcoholics Anonymous. He tried it. Scared the hell out of him. And it just didn't happen for him. But it's happened for him now. And that's what I remember. I thought, you're right. He's out of his suffering. He's in the arms of a loving and compassionate God now.
And why would I wish anything more for that loving guy who was just so talented and handsome and brave and courageous. That Marine Corps pilot who was just such a guy. But boy, I'll tell you, alcoholism just hollowed the both of us out. It's a brutal disease. So he's in the arms of a higher power now, and that's great. But now I'm left with seven kids under the age of 14 who are just… I love each and every one of them, but together they were difficult.
Because I'm not much of a disciplinarian. I didn't come out of a disciplinarian home. I came out of a, hey, who's got a funny joke to tell? That kind of home. So I just did the best I could. And that's really the rest of my story. Just one day at a time. For kids, I just did the best I could. The best thing you can make to your children is to give them a healthy parent. And so I believe to that. You're the ones that told me, for God's sakes, don't ever take your kids personally. And I hold on to that, really, even today.
I mean, sometimes one of them will say to me, oh, I'm so sorry I said this or I did this. And I'll say, forget it. I didn't pay any attention to you. I never took anything they said personally. They're just kids, for God's sakes. Who would put their self-esteem in the hands of teenagers? Are you nuts? I mean, come on. And I had to get a job. I mean, that was the other thing. Somebody had to work. And wouldn't you know, somebody called me. This little Catholic high school in the inner city called and said, don't you have an expired teaching certificate somewhere? And blah, blah, blah.
We need a teacher. And I said, you know, I don't have the qualifications. And in those days, they said, we don't care. Qualify, what? We don't care. Just come and we'll worry about that later. And that's what I did. They gave me this wonderful job. They did everything. They gave me my last bell off so I could beat my kids home. I mean, and there were little ones who weren't even in school yet. They talked to the nuns that ran this Montessori school blocks away. They got them in there.
I mean, it was just like, you know, Rick died in May. By August, everything is kind of changed, and yet it's settled. And that just kind of happened miraculously, and I've got a job, and we've got medical insurance, and we move the kids out of the country into the city, and everybody can walk to where they need to be, and there's bus lines, which ended up not to be such a great thing once they learned how to use bus transfers.
I don't know where the hell they were half the time, but you know what? Really? You know, after Rick died, I took the kids to see a grief counselor, and I mean, they were just crazy. I mean, they would go, and some kind little social worker would give them crayons, and they'd melt them on the radiators, and they would just… I said to this guy, I don't know that I can raise all these kids alone, and he said, And you know, that's all I needed, was permission, and as soon as he said, no, of course you can't, I thought, you know what? I can't.
All I can do is the best I can do, and that's what I did. All I could do was the best I could do, and it involved… I mean, of course these kids got away from you sometimes. But God love them, you taught me to just cooperate, and that's what I did. Hamilton County Juvenile Court System, you know, I'd have to get a sub, I'd go down with whoever happened to be the felon of the week, we'd go down to the…
We'd go down to the… I mean, I had rules because that's what you taught me. I mean, I had rules, but when those kids got into trouble, I made sure that I didn't hire lawyers, I just went and, you know, I did what the, you know, I cooperated with the courts and I tried as best we could to make their consequences their consequences and not mine. And really, I was there so often that there was a Hamilton County juvenile
[01:00:18]
referee. She adopted a child from China and they threw a shower for her and I got an invitation. But anyway, so that's, that's just, you know, one day at a time, one foot in front of the next, just trying to be the best I could be and holding on to this program for all it was worth because you showed me that I could do it. And you showed me that very narrow line between loving your children, raising your children, disciplining your children, and yet not enabling your children, not taking them personally. You know, sometimes it's just not clear. I was not a terrific… I mean, I was the best mother that I could be under the circumstances, really. And when I look back and try to think, oh, I wish I'd done that, I wish I'd done… That is just me trying to be the best I could be.
I'm trying to be perfect and that kind of attitude will put a stranglehold on spiritual life because the spirituality that I've learned in Al-Anon is a spirituality of letting go. It's just constantly letting go, letting go of old ideas, letting go of that, you know, perfect image, letting go, letting go, letting go, and just accepting myself for who I am. And really, I don't aspire to be any higher than human. One time, one of the younger boys got into trouble at school and I will have to say this, they are funny kids, but they're not as funny as I am.
And really, I don't aspire to be any higher than human. One time, one of the younger boys got into trouble at school and I will have to say this, they are funny kids. Even today, they're funny, they're very funny adults, but even as kids when they would get into trouble, some of it was, a lot of it was funny stuff. Well, I thought it was. I mean, it wasn't really terribly bad things, but it was just, you know, the things that kids do. And I think because I'm a teacher, or I was a teacher particularly of teenagers, I have a tendency to side with kids. Whenever I go into a store, even to like a 7-Eleven, and I see, no teenagers are allowed in in groups of more than two, I think, oh, come on. They're cute.
They can be. But anyway, I'm called to school and the principal says, I hate to bother you. I know you've got to get to school yourself, but could you just come down? We're having an issue with so-and-so. And so I said, yeah, I'll come down. You know, I'll get there a quarter of 8. So, I put little so-and-so in the car and we drive down to school. And all the teachers are there, you know, in their big chairs, and the principal's there, and this little guy's sitting next to me. He's just a little thing. And I say, you know, I'd love to, you know, what's the problem here? What can we do? And the first teacher says, when anybody in the class sneezes, he falls out of his desk.
I love that. I love that. I don't say that. I'm like, oh, all right. The next one says, he's always tapping his pencil and he knows that annoys me. All right, okay, okay. Third one, I don't know what she said. That's some, you know, some pain in the ass thing that kids do. All right. Then the next one, she loved him. She, of course, probably was one of us. And then, blah, blah, blah. And finally, the principal says to me, well, I, you know, I think we've heard enough. And thanks for coming, and I know you'll work on this stuff at home. And then I thank all the teachers for coming and, you know, riding out my child. Hey, that's great, that's great, that's great.
But the whole time, you know, he's just sinking further and further into his little chair. So I say to him, come out to the car with me before you go back to class. So I take him out to the car, and I say, now, look, you've got to stop this, Nick, because I'm telling you, these are annoying things. None of it's serious. But they're annoying things to teachers. Having said that, you're a great kid. And I don't know where Dad is right now, but I know this, Nick, if he were looking down at you at this moment, he would smile because he'd be so proud of you. You're a sweetheart of a kid.
And this little kid looked up at me with tears in his eyes and said, I'm Daniel. Whatever, get out of the car. I've got to go to school. I only have one pep talk. I don't know who I gave it to, but you got it today. Get. So anyway, so that's really it in a whole nutshell. I mean, that's the pattern of my raising those kids. But today, really, most of them are in a great place. I mean, I've got a couple that continue to drink, and they continue to suffer consequences for their drinking.
[01:05:13]
And they know that. I mean, I have a concern about it. They know I have a concern about it. But really, as one said to me not so long ago, you know, Mom, I'm just not done drinking yet. I'm just not done. And I'd say, well, you know, if you're not done, you're not done. I don't know. I mean, I can't hold that. I'm not holding that against my kids. I'm not shaming them, blaming them. It's just the way that it is for them.
However, I do have a daughter who's a powerful player in our family who celebrated nine years of sobriety in Chicago a week ago Monday. And that caused huge ripples in our little family pond. I mean, that's a big deal. I have a daughter who's in Al-Anon, and she works a strong program. She's got a number of years in. That makes a huge difference in the family. And my kids are surrounded by aunts and uncles with years and years of recovery.
And so there's a lot of help out there for those kids, a lot of help. But what's important for me and what continues to be important for me, and I am running out of time, is this, which is a good thing because God knows I could go on. But I'll tell you honestly, what's important for me is, again, that focus on me, the women that I sponsor. And that's why that 6th, 7th, 8th, 9th are critical steps in getting myself positioned in order to practice 10, 11, and 12.
Because what I say to the women I sponsor is this, I really believe because this is a spiritual program, we have got to commit. I need to be committed to self-examination. I have to pay close attention to who I am. But more importantly, I have to have an idea of who I believe I can be. Who is that woman that God calls me to be? Who is that woman that God challenges me to be? And am I acting like her? And if I'm not, what are those obstacles that continue to trip me up?
Is it trying to be right? Is it looking good? Is it trying to be that perfect person? I have got to pay attention to those and share them. I am blessed to have the same sponsor I have had since the day I came into the program. The relationship that she and I have is just beyond description. But it's one that is of such great value to me. But I could never and never would be able to do, I don't think, what I do without carving out quality time of my day for prayer and meditation.
For me, it's essential. It's just essential. Alcoholism broke my heart. It broke my heart. But really, it's through that break in my heart that the grace of God entered in and began that healing from the inside out. But it's really a program that I take very, very seriously. Very, very seriously. And I believe that God is an environmental God. I believe that God takes all the garbage and the brokenness and everything and can recycle it into gold.
Can recycle it into something of great value if I'm willing to show up and to share it with another human being. And that just doesn't mean speaking. It means showing up at a meeting. It means sponsoring women. It means working with beginners. It means making the coffee. It means working on the committee. It means stuffing envelopes. However you do it, answering the phone, that willingness to share with others, those feelings that we carry, not only our successes but our failures as well, that's what I find in this program.
And that's why the anonymity, you know, that we just share first names, why do I need to know more than that you are here tonight and that you come with the same kind of, you know, that belief and that hope and that trust that all will really, really be well. You know, that's what Al-Anon gives me. Very, very briefly. Remember that cute little guy that I was dating in college? That guy never married. He never married, never had kids. That's what I call a double winner.
[01:10:00]
Anyhow, 20 years of being, you know, of widowhood and raising these kids and finally, you know, I'm getting them all out the door and guess who appears? Oh yeah, the guy from Indianapolis with his years in AA. And he's like, I don't know, you know, we always got along so well. Do you think that maybe blah, blah, blah. So we date for seven years because I love being single. And after about seven years of dating, I thought, you know what? I just, something in me shifted and I just thought that the next right thing to do was marriage and so in 2005, after over 40 years of on and off dating, we got married.
We got married and I'm telling you, at our wedding, the church was full of our grade school friends, our high school friends, our college friends, our Al-Anon and our AA family and it was such a celebration. Not of us, it was a celebration of the God of our understanding who can bring great joy out of real suffering, who can bring, you know, peace out of chaos and who can bring great healing out of heartache and pain.
And so I close tonight with great gratitude and with a short story that I always tell. When one of my daughters was graduating, the woman that gave the graduation speech was telling us that she was late because she had stayed at home to hear her little boy recite the Lord's Prayer. And she said when he stood before her to recite it, he said, Our Father who art in heaven, how do you know my name? That's what Al-Anon has given me. It's given me back a God who knows my name and for that I'm grateful. Thank you.
Thank you.