Audio
Transcript
Source: Coleen A – OAR 2023 Coleen A. – Rocky River, OH – Date Unknown.mp3 File: coleen-a-oar-2023-coleen-a-rocky-river-oh-date-unknown.mp3 Duration: 00:26:19
============================================================
Thank you. Good morning. What a weekend, huh? Oh my goodness, I feel like my soul is filled. So thank you to everyone for all your hard work, committee, that you put into this weekend. Thank you for all the speakers. Thank you for asking me and giving me the privilege to stand here this morning. Every cell inside of my body wanted to say no. But here I stand. So as Molly said, my topic is spiritual progress and I guess it was a theme. I looked up the definition and the one that jumped out at me was gradual betterment. And so I'm going to speak about how my relationship with my higher power, who I call God, has gradually improved because of my recovery. So I'm going to start at the beginning. I'm a Cleveland girl. I was born and raised on the west side with my parents and my two brothers. I have a younger and an older brother.
And when I was young, my dad traveled during the week. He was gone Monday through Friday. And when it was just my mom and my brothers and I, there was a lot of laughter and there was a lot of playing. There was an ease in our home that was absent when my dad was around on the weekends. And as I got older, my dad's traveling ceased and he was around all the time. And I began to practice great caution around my dad. And it was because of an unpredictability in his mood. And I was afraid of him.
And so that fear taught me to start to put all of my attention and focus on other people. And it was essential for me to be able to read a room, to read someone's mood, especially non-verbals. What's going on with your body language? What is your face? What's the tone of voice? And that was important for me to feel safe. And so I thought that I could control other people through my behavior. I thought that my actions and my mood and my being a good girl, that I could make a situation safe.
And at the same time, I had a home that was full of love. I was always very encouraged. Material, economical things were provided for me. But there was an emotional lacking. And so my parents were Catholic. They raised us Catholic. I had 16 years of Catholic education. And during that time, I had a daily exposure to God. And it wasn't just like religion class. There was a thread of God that ran through every day for me. And there was many conversations around God. And there was an expectation that my behavior would be pleasing to God.
And so I wanted to be a good girl. And I wanted to make the people around me happy. And so I tried really hard to behave in a way that people noticed it was okay. And somewhere along the way, I decided that there was a direct correlation between my behavior and what was happening in my life. So if things were good, then I had been good. And if things were difficult, then it was because I had been bad. And I would scan back through my thoughts of my behavior.
[00:05:08]
And I would assign my behavior that was causing a hard situation. And so the thing that helped me the most, or one of the things that helped me so much during Catholic education, was this idea of prayer. And prayer was many, many times during the day. When I would wake up in the morning, I would say prayers. There was always prayer at the beginning of a school day, and before we go to recess, and certainly before all your meals, and at bedtime.
And those prayers, when I was younger, it was a memorized prayer. It was very rote. It was, Bless us, O Lord, in these, I guess. If you're Catholic, you know these. Angel of God, my guardian dear. So the words didn't really hold a whole lot of meaning or significance for me, but it was this very specific pause in my day when I would connect with God. And especially in the evening, my bedtime prayer was always for other people. I remember praying for other people and their safety or their well-being, or if someone was sick.
And I'm so grateful for that exposure, because it is today, I took that with me into my adulthood, and it's one of my greatest gifts today, was that that consistency was given to me in prayer. So when I was eight years old, my parents went on vacation, and I think they were somewhere down in the Caribbean, and they brought me back this little wooden box. And it was full of worry dolls, and if anyone knows what worry dolls are, you'll know what I'm talking about.
So it's a little wooden box. It's hand-painted in real bright colors. Imagine kind of like a Jamaican kind of colors. And inside, it's filled with these little, tiny, little handmade people, and they're made out of wire and little scraps of fabric and thread. And there's a message in the box, and it says, give one worry to each doll, and then slide the doll under your pillow, and they will take away your worries.
And so maybe I was born a naturally nervous, worry kind of kid, but I remember laying in bed at night and fretting and not being able to fall asleep. And these worry dolls, they worked for me. I would hold them, and I would whisper the little worries, and I would slide it under the pillow, and I would fall asleep. And I know today, I know that that was God. I know God came to me, my little eight-year-old self, and he said, this is how I'm going to help you.
It was the first time that I stepped outside of what was human capability. I stepped outside of myself, and I gave it over to something that I believed in that was bigger than me. And so I move forward into my adulthood unsure, unsure of myself, unsure of what people expect of me, maybe just unsure in general. And I think that because of those experiences of deciding that, I think I believed that God could be punishing. I think that there was a fear around my higher power.
But God's very important to me. And so I'm going to jump forward. It's 2013, and I am married with three children, and I have spent the better part of the last 20 years trying to control my husband's drinking. My life was very unmanageable. My behavior ranged in extremes from tender, loving, to physical attacking.
[00:10:02]
To calmly pleading and supporting. To rageful, spewing anger. I demanded promises that could not be kept. I pushed him away, I pulled him in. I feel like I left no rock unturned, trying to fix it, stop it, save it, cure it. My relationship with God at that point was one of almost straight bargaining. And so it became clear to me that I was failing, and I wrote God a letter. And I asked God to help me.
And it was the first time, maybe ever, that I had prayed for myself. That I prayed for what I could control. I prayed for choices that I could make. And shortly after I wrote the letter, my husband went into treatment. And he has maintained consistent sobriety since then. God's grace. So I can't omit that I had been to a couple of Al-Anon meetings. And when I walked into those rooms, I needed you to tell me if I should stay or go.
That's what I was looking for. And instead, you told me to keep coming back. But you did give me a little blue book that was called How Al-Anon Works. And I was reading it. And so those seeds got planted. And so my husband's sober. So everything's good. Everything is good, and I do not need that little Al-Anon gig anymore. So that's not necessary. And I am just buzzing around in this little pink bubble. And everything is going to be okay. There are no problems. It is good.
That silly alcohol is out of our life. And real quickly, that bubble gets popped. Because both of my teenage boys are sick. And if I thought that I would go to any length to save my husband, it was nothing compared to what I was going to do to save my boys. And so when I describe myself during this time period, I'm sick. I will say that I was probably as sick as them, if not sicker. And I was never present anywhere because I was so stuck inside my head, trying to figure out what I was going to do.
I was stuck in yesterday's crisis, and I am fretting about tomorrow's. I can't tell you how many times I planned their funerals in my head. So my older son is really sick, and I talked to God, and I was hopeless. I was full of despair. And my prayer to God at that point was, I just don't want to wake up tomorrow. Because I didn't know how to keep living, watching what they were doing. Doing. And I was coming to Al-Anon, but I was holding on. I was gripping really tight
[00:15:06]
to my will. So I'm trying to work the stops. I have a sponsor. And then I had my first spiritual awakening on one of my hardest days. And my kid is out in Montana, and he walks out of a treatment center on day nine of ninety. And he doesn't have a dollar in his pocket, but he's got a cell phone in his hand. And he's calling me from the side of this rural highway. And there's trucks whizzing past him. I can hear them. And he is begging and pleading me to bring him home. And I had just enough Al-Anon under my belt to hold a boundary. And I said, no, turn around and go back. And he said, I'm not going back.
And I said, then I wish you well. And I hung up the phone, and I collapsed to the ground. And I put on my running shoes, because at that point, running was one of my strongest tools. And I grabbed my music and my earbuds. And a song comes on that I've heard a hundred times before. And the words say over and over again, I can't live, I can't breathe unless you do this with me. And this time, I start saying it to God. I can't live, I can't breathe unless you do this with me. I'm down in the valley of Metro Parks in Cleveland.
I am on my knees. And I completely surrendered myself to God. I completely surrendered my son. And I knew that no matter what happened to my kid, I knew that God was going to be with me. He was in that moment, he grabbed my heart. And he surrounded me with angels. And I felt it. So now I know too much. So a week later, he showed up back in Cleveland. And it took him a couple years, and he wasn't done. But it took him a couple years, and he finally ended up in the rooms of AA. And he told his buddies this story, and they nicknamed him the Greyhound Kid. Because it takes a week to get to Cleveland from Montana on a Greyhound. He's a resourceful. So my second child, my second son, unfortunately, had a very similar path. But now I'm working Al-Anon. Now I know that if I'm going to survive, I'm willing to do anything. And so I am working my program. And so when it happens with my second kid, it doesn't have the same power over me. My circumstances are the same, and yet I'm upright. I am finding a way every day to see something that I'm finding gratitude.
I could smile. And what's that? Like, what is that? And for me, it's you guys. That was the change for me. I used to go into the meetings, and I would sit in the corner, and I wanted to be visible. I didn't want you to see me. I would come late. I would leave early. You know, the pain was so great. And the first time I connected enough with someone's comment,
[00:20:01]
someone who shared about their child, I went up afterwards, and I said, I really connected with what you said. And then I'm asking for phone numbers. And then I'm getting coffee. Now I go on vacation with you guys. But, I mean, these people, they're my soul sisters. They are my family today. And now the secrets, they're not secrets. You know, I can share it in a safe place. So God talks to me through you guys. Gradual betterment.
So what I know is that my family of origin, the effects of this disease, it's given me default setting. And my default setting looks like excessive responsibility for other people. It makes me feel overly, it makes it hard for me, almost impossible to deal with people's disappointment. Especially if I have the capability of making that go away. It's so hard for me to put a period behind no. Fear of conflict is still pretty difficult for me. I mean, my natural setting for conflict is to be paralyzed or to go the other direction really fast.
And I work really hard to seek other people's approval today still. Seven years in. And so I know that if I don't come to these rooms, I would love, so many people have so beautifully said this weekend that they keep coming back because they want it to be available for the next person that comes in. I keep coming back because I can't stop. My default setting returns so quickly. I can't not be here for me. And I hope that I can help newcomers. But without these rooms, that obsessive thought, that fear-based thinking, it's the default setting for me. So, it's step eleven, right? I seek through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God for His will for me and the power to carry that out. And so I know the body of evidence that's been given to me is so huge that I know that what I have isn't going to help me. I know I have to ask for God's will. But I have to do that every single day. And I don't. You know, I don't. And so I still, I get wiggly. I know where the solution is. I've got to make sure that I get myself back there. Gradual betterment.
I go back. I go backwards. And I have a chance to go forward again. I'm going to read you page 62 of how Al-Anon works. And it is the last paragraph on step eleven. In the past, most of us said frantic prayers and hoped that God would do our will and give us what we wanted. But our experience has shown us that our will often gets us in trouble and generally leads to disappointment. Most of us have learned the hard way that the only will worth pursuing, the only guidance worth praying for, is the knowledge of God's will.
Only God knows what is best for all concerned. So our efforts to strengthen our spiritual lives focus on seeking only God's will and the power to carry it out. For no matter how weak or uncertain we may feel, tremendous power is available to us when we turn to a source of unlimited power. With such spiritual help, we can accomplish previously unmanageable goals, even the goal of living happy and gratifying lives. Unlimited source of power. My power
[00:25:04]
is very limited. And so because God talks to me through you, because I know too much today, because I know that the solution is in these rooms, I am forever grateful that my loved ones sent me to this place. I am so incredibly blessed with God's grace that my two children and my husband are doing well today. And we'll never take that for granted one day at a time. I get to focus on myself and I get to turn my will over. I get to choose how much resistance, how much I want to grip before I remember where my solution lies.
Gradual betterment. Thank you.