Transcript

[00:02.3 – 00:04.7] Good evening, uh, folks. [00:04.7 – 00:16.4] I used to say, "Good evening, uh, ladies and gentlemen and members of AA," until [00:16.4 – 00:23.5] some wag, uh, told me that I seem to be insinuating there's a difference between the two. [00:23.5 – 00:33.6] I'm glad you told them my name is John, because that's what it is, and [00:33.6 – 00:38.7] this program has me down as Johnstone. [00:38.7 – 00:50.0] No one has ever called me Johnstone except the president of the university [00:50.0 – 00:53.0] and my mother when she was angry. [00:53.0 – 01:04.6] I, [01:04.6 – 01:09.8] uh, thank the chairman for his generous introduction. [01:09.8 – 01:19.8] I, uh, perhaps I have a few of those qualities, but I haven't got [01:19.8 – 01:22.0] any that give me the big head. [01:22.0 – 01:32.1] I met a man in AA up in Ohio not so long ago who thought he was a great man because he had gone around, spoke a few times at Alcoholics Anonymous [01:32.1 – 01:40.0] conventions, and, uh, he had, uh, that evening delivered himself of what he thought was a memorable address. [01:40.0 – 01:47.2] And he was riding home with his wife, and he was musing upon his performance. [01:47.2 – 01:52.0] And he said, "Dear, you know, there aren't very many great men. [01:52.0 – 02:02.2] There just aren't many great men." She says, "No, they're rare." "And you know, there's even one less than you think." [02:02.2 – 02:19.9] Although [02:19.9 – 02:30.6] you may notice that I am listed as from Kent, Ohio, many of you know I really am a native of Tuscaloosa, having [02:30.6 – 02:40.7] taught here at the university for some, uh, well over 20 years, and been a member of the Tuscaloosa group of Alcoholics Anonymous [02:40.7 – 02:43.7] for some 12 or 15 years. [02:43.7 – 02:51.2] So I am, so to speak, making a visit back to my hometown and my home state. [02:51.2 – 03:01.3] There are not many in this audience tonight, uh, who should be more thankful [03:01.3 – 03:02.7] than I. [03:02.7 – 03:13.1] First, because I have been in Alcoholics Anonymous for a long period of sobriety, [03:13.1 – 03:22.5] which has been so very much more pleasurable than my drinking career ever was. [03:22.5 – 03:32.7] And second, because I have been invited, uh, by you to speak at this convention, [03:32.7 – 03:43.9] the ninth Alabama-North Florida convention, which [03:43.9 – 03:53.7] is still going strong since the first of them that I had a small part in back in 1955. [03:53.7 – 04:04.3] You don't know how good it makes me feel to be here and see that you [04:04.3 – 04:12.6] people in AA from this region are continuing these annual affairs. [04:12.6 – 04:22.7] So I live in Ohio now, but, uh, I'll tell you, the only difference between AA in [04:22.7 – 04:29.9] Ohio and AA in Alabama is exactly 850 miles. [04:29.9 – 04:32.9] That's the only difference. [04:32.9 – 04:39.4] I found no difference in it there, in the places where I have been. [04:39.4 – 04:50.6] Now, my story, which I apologize to a number of you for having to hear again, [04:50.6 – 05:01.8] maybe again and again, but my story is not a great deal different from yours, except [05:01.8 – 05:03.4] in a few specific details. [05:03.4 – 05:13.3] All the roads of alcoholism lead to the same place and the same condition, ultimately. [05:13.3 – 05:24.5] I suppose I've always been shy, sensitive, fearful, envious, [05:24.5 – 05:35.1] and resentful, which in turn leads one to become [05:35.1 – 05:45.6] a defiant personality, uh, a defiant [05:45.6 – 05:55.6] individuality, always, uh, determined to either outdo or defy everybody [05:55.6 – 05:55.8] else. [05:55.8 – 06:07.6] Now, I think that such determination, such striving for perfection- [06:07.6 – 06:17.0] is undoubtedly an admirable quality, a practical quality to have for a while. [06:17.0 – 06:27.4] But when a person mixes that quality with alcohol, that quality [06:27.4 – 06:30.9] can eventually cut him almost to pieces. [06:30.9 – 06:35.9] At least, it did so to me. [06:35.9 – 06:43.6] I started off being a social drinker in my early 20s. [06:43.6 – 06:52.4] And, uh, alcohol was no problem to me for many years. [06:52.4 – 06:59.0] At least I didn't get into trouble because of it. [06:59.0 – 07:09.0] But then, as the tensions and the anxieties of my life began to mount, and the setbacks from [07:09.0 – 07:19.5] perfection began to increase, I finally slipped over the line between moderate [07:19.5 – 07:21.9] drinking and alcoholism. [07:21.9 – 07:31.9] Then, for about, oh, five or so years of progressively worse alcoholic [07:31.9 – 07:42.5] drinking, of filling my life and my home with more and more wreckage, it looked as if I were going to ride the toboggan [07:42.5 – 07:44.7] of destruction to the bitter end. [07:44.7 – 07:50.7] And as some of you know, the bitter end is not a pretty place to be. [07:50.7 – 07:56.3] Now, maybe I didn't get as bad as some of you. [07:56.3 – 08:05.9] I must confess to you, I say this sincerely, I never went to teach one of my classes drunk or drinking. [08:05.9 – 08:13.6] But I've been there awfully hungover. [08:13.6 – 08:24.4] So my pattern was to be drunk at night, boil myself out to creep to work the next day, [08:24.4 – 08:29.7] drunk again the next night, boil myself out in the morning to somehow get to work. [08:29.7 – 08:34.0] Same thing, drunk again the next night, boil myself out in the morning. [08:34.0 – 08:42.2] I may not have drunk as much whiskey as some of you, but there isn't anybody in this room who's drunk any more Salopattica than I have. [08:42.2 – 08:49.4] I'm the Salopattica king. [08:49.4 – 08:59.5] I assure you that I also drank enough whiskey to get into more trouble than [08:59.5 – 09:01.3] I really like to admit. [09:01.3 – 09:05.6] Now, there are all kinds of drunks. [09:05.6 – 09:08.3] There are melancholy drunks. [09:08.3 – 09:10.5] There are weeping drunks. [09:10.5 – 09:21.2] There are traveling drunks, disappearing drunks, slap-happy and stupid drunks, and a number of other varieties. [09:21.2 – 09:28.4] I was a self-aggrandizing and occasionally violent drunk. [09:28.4 – 09:37.7] Now, you wouldn't think that a little fella like me could do much damage, but when I'm drunk, I'm pure dynamite. [09:37.7 – 09:47.9] And I used to say about this point that, [09:47.9 – 09:55.9] uh, I'm not going to give you any of the specific details of that score because the university can fire me yet. [09:55.9 – 10:01.1] But, uh, of course, it can't now because Andy doesn't work there anymore. [10:01.1 – 10:06.5] Maybe some of us wouldn't get up to Ohio, but, uh, in any case. [10:06.5 – 10:14.4] I came to believe actually that life was not worth living unless I could drink. [10:14.4 – 10:24.7] I was utterly miserable and sometimes desperate, living always in a tension [10:24.7 – 10:34.5] with a, a feeling, a, a fear of some impending calamity hanging over me. [10:34.5 – 10:41.3] Now, to do away with that fear, I would always try a little more drinking. [10:41.3 – 10:46.5] With the inevitable result. [10:46.5 – 10:56.5] For by this time, just one drink would set up in me that irresistible [10:56.5 – 11:06.6] urge to take another one and another one and another and another until I was down or hungover and [11:06.6 – 11:09.5] usually in some kind of trouble. [11:09.5 – 11:20.4] In the hangover stage, I would vow never to touch another drop and [11:20.4 – 11:22.7] then be drunk again the next night. [11:22.7 – 11:32.8] I don't know why it is that we do those things, unless perhaps that second step [11:32.8 – 11:34.2] tabs us rightly. [11:34.2 – 11:36.9] We're just a little bit insane. [11:36.9 – 11:46.9] Well, I knew at least that there had to be some changes made. [11:46.9 – 11:52.5] I didn't know what, but I knew that. [11:52.5 – 12:02.2] I tried to change the time of my drinking. [12:02.2 – 12:04.3] I tried to change the place. [12:04.3 – 12:06.4] I tried to change the amount. [12:06.4 – 12:14.8] I even tried to change my environment, my place of living. [12:14.8 – 12:23.4] Like most of us who at one time or another think our trouble is geography instead of whiskey. [12:23.4 – 12:30.4] I even entertained the idea of changing wives. [12:30.4 – 12:36.7] You have nothing to drink until you try that. [12:36.7 – 12:48.5] I tried to change everybody and everything except myself, the [12:48.5 – 12:51.2] only thing I now know that I can change. [12:51.2 – 12:59.3] I did not know that it was physically impossible for me to drink moderately. [12:59.3 – 13:01.6] I just didn't know that. [13:01.6 – 13:11.9] I did not know that my body's drinking machinery had, uh, worn out and that the parts [13:11.9 – 13:16.3] could not be repaired or replaced. [13:16.3 – 13:26.4] I did not know that it was just that one first drink that made it impossible for me [13:26.4 – 13:31.0] to control my behavior and conduct and my future drinking. [13:31.0 – 13:35.7] That one, first one. [13:35.7 – 13:42.2] I did not know, in short, that I was powerless over alcohol. [13:42.2 – 13:51.1] Now, my family and my friends knew this to be true long before I did. [13:51.1 – 13:59.6] Finally, as with most of us in AA, the crisis came. [13:59.6 – 14:08.4] I realized that I had a drinking problem which had to be solved. [14:08.4 – 14:18.7] My wife and a close friend tried to persuade me to contact the only member of AA [14:18.7 – 14:21.7] we knew of in town. [14:21.7 – 14:27.1] This, I refused to do. [14:27.1 – 14:37.1] But I agreed that I would stop drinking altogether, maintaining firmly and sincerely that I could and I would [14:37.1 – 14:39.0] solve this problem on my own [14:39.2 – 14:43.2] Oh, I would feel much better doing it that way. [14:43.2 – 14:46.9] I insisted. [14:46.9 – 14:50.8] I stayed sober for two entire weeks. [14:50.8 – 14:57.5] Then I pitched a lulu. [14:57.5 – 15:04.9] A terrific drunken affair in which I became violently insane. [15:04.9 – 15:11.4] I also landed in Chief Billingsly's Clatter. [15:11.4 – 15:20.6] Now, as some of you know, that is commonly known as the Tuscaloosa City Jail. [15:20.6 – 15:30.7] I don't know exactly what happened to me on this bender, this, [15:30.7 – 15:38.6] my last bender, but here are some things that did happen which I was told about subsequently. [15:38.6 – 15:44.5] Well, first, I, um, I was… [15:44.5 – 15:54.8] It was about midnight, and I was running up and down the front yard and the side yard, my pajamas flapping in the wind- [15:54.8 – 15:56.1] … [15:56.1 – 15:58.7] daring all the neighbors to come out and fight. [15:58.7 – 16:10.7] Then the officers who came out did [16:10.7 – 16:14.6] not want to take me in, but I insisted. [16:14.6 – 16:22.0] That shows you're crazy right there. [16:22.0 – 16:32.1] Also, I insisted that they wait in the living room while I went back to the bedroom [16:32.1 – 16:37.6] and changed into my best and newest suit- … [16:37.6 – 16:40.0] with socks and tie to match- … [16:40.0 – 16:41.7] so I'd look nice in jail. [16:41.7 – 16:48.4] I don't remember the ride downtown. [16:48.4 – 16:58.4] But when I came to, I was in this jail corridor, and I didn't like the looks [16:58.4 – 17:01.0] of that little cage they were shoving me in. [17:01.0 – 17:05.2] And so I took issue about that with… [17:05.2 – 17:09.7] In fact, I even indulged in some fisticuffs- … [17:09.7 – 17:11.9] with three big burly policemen. [17:11.9 – 17:22.0] Now, what kind of thinking and acting is that? [17:22.0 – 17:33.9] If that isn't absurd grandiosity, if [17:33.9 – 17:38.6] that isn't some sort of mental illness, what is it? [17:38.6 – 17:43.5] I ended up downstairs. [17:43.5 – 17:47.5] I didn't stay up in the, uh, uh, on the second floor. [17:47.5 – 17:52.9] I, uh, I yelled so loud- … [17:52.9 – 17:56.1] that I disturbed the other guests of the Clatter. [17:56.1 – 18:06.1] And all these other jailbirds complained to the management, and they came up and got me and took me [18:06.1 – 18:07.3] downstairs. [18:07.3 – 18:09.3] Now, I thought they were letting me out. [18:09.3 – 18:19.3] But they went right past the sergeant's desk, down the steps, underneath the sidewalks, underneath the concrete, and they [18:19.3 – 18:22.2] put me in a little place called solitary. [18:22.2 – 18:33.4] Now, isn't that a fine place for a college professor to spend the night? [18:33.4 – 18:41.8] Two days later, two days later, I got out. [18:41.8 – 18:44.9] I was sprung by one of my lawyer friends. [18:44.9 – 18:55.0] But two days later, I was willing to try AA, which I had only vaguely heard about a few [18:55.0 – 18:56.1] months before. [18:56.1 – 19:06.3] As I look back, something must have happened to me during [19:06.3 – 19:07.8] those two days. [19:07.8 – 19:15.1] Some forces must have been at work which I do not understand. [19:15.1 – 19:25.3] But on those two days between jail and AA, something happened to me that had [19:25.3 – 19:27.1] never happened to me before. [19:27.1 – 19:34.1] I repeat, I don't know what it was. [19:34.1 – 19:41.5] Maybe I'd made a decision, just a part of step three. [19:41.5 – 19:48.8] I'd made lots of promises, I think, but never a real decision about this. [19:48.8 – 19:59.2] Though it seems to me, too, that at that time, I was too confused to make much of a decision. [19:59.2 – 20:09.3] Maybe it was the guiding hand of God, or as some of us [20:09.3 – 20:10.9] like to say, the Holy Spirit. [20:10.9 – 20:21.5] Now, I think that it was just that, followed [20:21.5 – 20:28.9] up by my own attempt to make the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. [20:28.9 – 20:38.9] Whatever it was, I have been in AA, and [20:38.9 – 20:42.4] I have been sober ever since. [20:42.4 – 20:48.5] And that was back a long time ago in 1949. [20:48.5 – 20:58.5] Exactly why one quits drinking and starts [20:58.5 – 21:04.5] making this AA program is always a puzzler. [21:04.5 – 21:14.5] It, it's an enigma that the psychiatrists are still probing, just why one quits drinking and starts making the [21:14.5 – 21:15.5] AA program. [21:15.5 – 21:26.0] The member of my group who sponsored me, so to speak, [21:26.0 – 21:32.9] Slaps, Mr. [21:32.9 – 21:39.3] Wilson, I heard him tell this once why he quit drinking. [21:39.3 – 21:44.6] He put it very practically this way. [21:44.6 – 21:55.2] He said he fought around in the ring with John Barleycorn for 40 years, and [21:55.2 – 22:00.1] with himself acting as the referee, the best decision he ever got was a draw. [22:00.1 – 22:10.1] He decided somehow there was no use fighting any [22:10.1 – 22:10.6] further. [22:10.6 – 22:19.8] I'm not sure, though, that, uh, most of us quit for any such practical reason. [22:19.8 – 22:26.9] I don't know either why men and women get themselves into this alcoholic condition. [22:26.9 – 22:31.5] I don't think anybody does know why precisely. [22:31.5 – 22:40.7] Perhaps the alcoholic simply doesn't know what he really wants. [22:40.7 – 22:48.9] Or perhaps he's always wanting something that he hasn't got. [22:48.9 – 22:56.9] And one of the humorous definitions of him illustrates this theory, I think, rather beautifully. [22:56.9 – 23:07.1] An alcoholic, according to this definition, an alcoholic is a fellow who, when he's rich, he wants to be poor, and when he's poor, he wants to be rich. [23:07.1 – 23:12.9] When he's single, he wants to be married, and when he's married, he wants to be single. [23:12.9 – 23:19.6] When he goes to a wedding, he wants to be the bride. [23:19.6 – 23:25.4] When he goes to the dinner table, he wants to make love. [23:25.4 – 23:28.1] When he goes to bed, he wants to eat. [23:28.1 – 23:54.9] But [23:54.9 – 24:05.4] more seriously, it is generally recognized now that alcoholism is a symptom [24:05.4 – 24:11.4] of some deep-seated maladjustment of the personality. [24:11.4 – 24:20.1] It is a symptom of some emotional conflict which the person has been unable to solve. [24:20.1 – 24:28.5] Now, for example, in my case, I won't deal with your case. [24:28.5 – 24:30.0] I'll just deal with my case. [24:30.0 – 24:34.5] In my case, I am a self-centered person. [24:34.5 – 24:44.8] I'm a self-centered person, very egotistical and conceited, and quite unreasonable [24:44.8 – 24:47.4] in my demands upon other people. [24:47.4 – 24:51.8] Self-centeredness. [24:51.8 – 24:56.7] I'm also emotionally immature. [24:56.7 – 25:01.6] Now, I don't think that's an adequate phrase for it. [25:01.6 – 25:11.9] That's not really quite it, but I don't know any other way to express it except perhaps to say that [25:11.9 – 25:16.7] at least my emo-emotions have frequently run away with my common sense. [25:16.7 – 25:26.8] Uh, or put it this way, emotionally, I am extremely susceptible [25:26.8 – 25:36.9] to resentment, envy, fear, anxiety, and grandiose daydreaming. [25:36.9 – 25:47.3] I smolder emotionally with resentment against people who constitute any kind of threat against [25:47.3 – 25:47.5] me. [25:47.5 – 25:54.4] I am absurdly fearful about some things. [25:54.4 – 26:05.1] I'm constantly anxious about events of the morrow, and my emotional reactions [26:05.1 – 26:07.9] sometimes run away with me on these occasions. [26:07.9 – 26:16.0] Then, as a third characteristic, I tried hard to be a perfectionist. [26:16.0 – 26:26.9] And, of course, failing to advance to anything near perfection, not on this earth anyway, I [26:26.9 – 26:31.4] escaped by taking more and more to the bottle. [26:31.4 – 26:41.9] And then, as a fourth characteristic, I was running away from something which caused [26:41.9 – 26:45.2] further emotional conflict. [26:45.2 – 26:56.0] Those, I think, are the chief personality traits which play havoc with the alcoholic's [26:56.0 – 27:02.8] way of living, and they are hard to get rid of. [27:02.8 – 27:11.0] I haven't gotten rid of mine yet, but I have improved. [27:11.0 – 27:19.1] I have improved so much that I no longer need to take a drink or a pill. [27:19.1 – 27:20.6] And I know about your pills. [27:20.6 – 27:27.1] I took the Red Birds and the Blue Heavens and the Yellow Jackets, uh, along with the best of you. [27:27.1 – 27:36.1] I no longer have to take a drink or a pill to get along very well indeed. [27:36.1 – 27:46.4] Don't ever let anybody tell you that the AA program is easy to make, because [27:46.4 – 27:47.0] it isn't. [27:47.0 – 27:51.6] Or, in a way, it was not for me. [27:51.6 – 28:01.7] That I am unmanageable and have personal– personality weaknesses which can [28:01.7 – 28:08.5] lead me to disaster, those were bitter pills for me to swallow. [28:08.5 – 28:16.8] That I was powerless over anything was, to me, rather unreasonable. [28:16.8 – 28:26.8] It was very difficult for me to realize that the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, which looked to me [28:26.8 – 28:37.1] so naive at first, that they will succeed better than all of my [28:37.1 – 28:38.8] well-thought-out methods. [28:38.8 – 28:48.4] It was hard for me to keep an open mind, do my part to let others live. [28:48.4 – 28:59.9] It took a bottom of considerable crisis to reduce me to personal helplessness and [28:59.9 – 29:00.5] surrender. [29:00.5 – 29:07.5] A helplessness so acute that I was ready to give up. [29:07.5 – 29:15.6] And I don't think all of this is acquired by simply walking into the door of an AA club room. [29:15.6 – 29:18.1] Some work at it has to be [29:18.3 – 29:18.6] God. [29:18.6 – 29:28.7] Now, I know I've talked a good deal about the, the, the psychological or the, the mental side, the personality side of, [29:28.7 – 29:30.7] of, uh, alcoholism. [29:30.7 – 29:37.0] There's another side of it, too, and that is the physical side. [29:37.0 – 29:47.4] Eventually, as I have indicated before, eventually, something in our bodies breaks down, and it becomes physically [29:47.4 – 29:57.8] impossible forever thereafter for us to assimilate alcohol like the normal or the moderate [29:57.8 – 29:58.4] drinker. [29:58.4 – 30:03.1] Now, what that organ is, uh, we don't know. [30:03.1 – 30:11.7] But we do know that it breaks down so completely that it can never be repaired. [30:11.7 – 30:18.5] Our days of drinking like ladies and gentlemen are over. [30:18.5 – 30:29.0] And we can never go back to the moderate drinking we perhaps once [30:29.0 – 30:29.4] had. [30:29.4 – 30:35.3] Quite recently, I heard this explained in terms of a garden vegetable. [30:35.3 – 30:45.4] You know, you ladies know that you can take a cucumber, and you can soak it in salty [30:45.4 – 30:50.8] water, and it will become a dill pickle. [30:50.8 – 31:00.3] But there isn't anything that anybody can do to turn that pickle back into a cucumber. [31:00.3 – 31:05.9] And that's what's happened to us. [31:05.9 – 31:16.5] Now, the AA program and procedure seems to have worked pretty well for [31:16.5 – 31:17.3] a lot of people. [31:17.3 – 31:21.0] Your being here tonight is evidence enough of that. [31:21.0 – 31:27.2] Why does it work so well when other things fail? [31:27.2 – 31:34.1] I don't know why, and I don't think anybody else does. [31:34.1 – 31:42.1] Oh, we have a lot of ideas, and we know a tremendous lot about drinking. [31:42.1 – 31:45.3] We know its pleasures as well as its tragedies. [31:45.3 – 31:48.4] We know its humorous side. [31:48.4 – 31:50.5] We know the flimsy alibis. [31:50.5 – 31:52.3] We've used most of them ourselves. [31:52.3 – 32:02.3] We also know the degradation and the helplessness of alcohol's victims, because we've [32:02.3 – 32:02.9] been one. [32:02.9 – 32:11.4] But we don't really know why AA works precisely. [32:11.4 – 32:19.2] But we do know that we get a lot of help from continual association with our groups. [32:19.2 – 32:25.7] We get a lot of help from the observations that we can make there. [32:25.7 – 32:35.1] We benefit from associating with excessive drinkers who stay sober. [32:35.1 – 32:44.6] In fact, it seems to have some sort of favorable psychological effect upon us when we are around them. [32:44.6 – 32:54.1] We benefit also from associating with excessive drinkers who do not stay sober. [32:54.1 – 32:56.0] Yeah. [32:56.0 – 33:00.8] Which seems to have favorable results, too. [33:00.8 – 33:11.2] And then, uh, I don't know about in your group, but in the Tuscaloosa group, we used to sit around and take everybody [33:11.2 – 33:12.7] else's inventory. [33:12.7 – 33:22.8] And we did [33:22.8 – 33:31.8] that until finally the thought struck us that maybe we should take our own, and then we were making some progress. [33:31.8 – 33:42.6] We learn in Alcoholics Anonymous groups to eliminate alcoholism by [33:42.6 – 33:52.7] doing things which strike at the deep-seeded causes of the malady, not by just taking the whiskey away or passing [33:52.7 – 33:54.9] a law or whatever else. [33:54.9 – 34:05.1] We learn in AA to change our self-centeredness, to stop running [34:05.1 – 34:14.9] away from things we don't like, to remove or at least adjust our personal shortcomings. [34:14.9 – 34:25.1] We do these things by taking seriously and honestly our 12 steps, the [34:25.1 – 34:30.9] nearest thing to a cure for alcoholism that anyone has discovered yet. [34:30.9 – 34:41.5] We learn in AA that, uh, these steps, over a sufficient period of time, [34:41.5 – 34:51.8] will change our attitude, will change our thinking, will change our personalities, if that be possible. [34:51.8 – 35:02.3] Certainly, it will change the inner man or woman into something it had not been before, [35:02.3 – 35:11.0] and it will change our pattern of living into one we had not enjoyed in the past. [35:11.0 – 35:21.2] Now, we learn to do these things not by just memorizing these steps, though I've always thought that was a good idea, but rather [35:21.2 – 35:27.6] by attempting to live and act them each day of our lives. [35:27.6 – 35:37.7] And then when we least expect it, we discover that as [35:37.7 – 35:48.6] a result of all this, we are happy and contented and full of thanksgiving. [35:48.6 – 35:58.8] Full of thanksgiving, something I once knew I could never be [35:58.8 – 35:59.8] without drinking. [35:59.8 – 36:10.1] Now, AA does not function in a way which people [36:10.1 – 36:12.2] normally expect it to. [36:12.2 – 36:23.2] For example, instead of using our willpower, as [36:23.2 – 36:33.0] everyone outside AA seems to think we do, we give up our wills to a higher power. [36:33.0 – 36:42.9] We place our lives in hands stronger than ours. [36:42.9 – 36:54.4] Another example, if twenty or thirty of us real drunks get away from home and meet in a club room downtown on Saturday night, the [36:54.4 – 36:58.4] normal expectation is that all thirty will come home roaring drunk. [36:58.4 – 37:02.5] But it doesn't work that way. [37:02.5 – 37:12.7] Or talking about whiskey and the old drinking days, one would normally think, [37:12.7 – 37:16.9] well, that's sure to raise a thirst. [37:16.9 – 37:21.8] But it doesn't work that way either. [37:21.8 – 37:32.1] The point I'm trying to make is that our program and procedures seem in many ways contrary [37:32.1 – 37:33.6] to normal opinion. [37:33.6 – 37:43.7] And in connection with this idea, I would like to pass on to you what I consider to be the four [37:43.7 – 37:48.0] paradoxes of how AA works. [37:48.0 – 37:49.5] Not why, how. [37:49.5 – 37:59.6] Now, a paradox, as you may already know, is a statement which is [37:59.6 – 38:01.1] self-contradictory. [38:01.1 – 38:11.2] It is a statement which appears to be false, but which upon careful examination proves [38:11.2 – 38:11.9] to be true. [38:11.9 – 38:21.5] Now, I haven't time to discuss each of these four paradoxes, but I'll at least list them for you to consider. [38:21.5 – 38:26.4] And the first one of them is that we surrender to win. [38:26.4 – 38:36.5] On the face of it, surrendering, certainly in this age of war and talk of war, [38:36.5 – 38:42.0] certainly surrender, the surrendering does not seem like winning. [38:42.0 – 38:45.1] But it is in AA. [38:45.1 – 38:55.6] Only after we have come to the end of our rope, hit a stone wall in some aspect of our lives [38:55.6 – 38:58.8] beyond which we can go no further. [38:58.8 – 39:09.4] Only when we hit bottom, as we say, in despair and surrender, [39:09.4 – 39:18.4] only then can we accomplish sobriety which we could never accomplish before. [39:18.4 – 39:26.6] We must, and we do, surrender to win. [39:26.6 – 39:32.9] Paradox number two, we must give away to keep. [39:32.9 – 39:37.2] Now, that seems absurd and untrue. [39:37.2 – 39:40.4] How can you keep anything if you give it away? [39:40.4 – 39:50.4] But in order to keep whatever it is we get in AA, we must go about [39:50.4 – 39:58.5] giving it away to others for no fees or rewards of any kind. [39:58.5 – 40:09.2] We must continue to give this message away in order to keep it for ourselves. [40:09.2 – 40:15.1] The third paradox, we suffer to get well. [40:15.1 – 40:25.7] There is no way to escape the terrible [40:25.7 – 40:36.5] suffering of remorse and regret and shame and embarrassment, [40:36.5 – 40:46.7] to say nothing of those hangovers, which starts us on the road to getting well [40:46.7 – 40:49.1] from our affliction. [40:49.1 – 40:57.7] There is no new and easy way to shake out a hangover. [40:57.7 – 41:07.4] It's painful, and for us, necessarily so. [41:07.4 – 41:17.8] I told this to a friend of mine many years ago as [41:17.8 – 41:22.7] he sat on the side of the bed weaving to and fro. [41:22.7 – 41:26.6] He was in terrible shape. [41:26.6 – 41:32.2] He was about to die for some paraldehyde which he wanted me to get for him. [41:32.2 – 41:40.8] And I said- Lost John, that's his nickname. [41:40.8 – 41:50.5] Lost John, you know you're going to have to do a certain amount of shaking sooner or later. [41:50.5 – 42:07.1] Well, he said, "For God's sake, let's make it later." Now, [42:07.1 – 42:17.3] we have to suffer to get well, and I have never seen a member of AA yet who had it in him to make those 12 steps who hadn't [42:17.3 – 42:18.7] been through some of that suffering. [42:18.7 – 42:26.3] The fourth paradox is we have to die to live. [42:26.3 – 42:37.1] That is a beautiful paradox straight out of the Bible, or [42:37.1 – 42:47.2] out of the biblical idea of being born again, or in losing one's life, one shall find [42:47.2 – 42:47.4] it. [42:47.4 – 42:54.8] It is as if each of us has two lives in him or her. [42:54.8 – 43:05.3] Now, when we make at our 12 steps, the [43:05.3 – 43:15.8] old life of guzzling and fuzzy thinking and all that goes along with it gradually [43:15.8 – 43:25.9] dies, and we acquire a different and a better way [43:25.9 – 43:27.3] of life. [43:27.3 – 43:39.0] As our shortcomings are removed, one life of us dies, and [43:39.0 – 43:41.0] another life of us lives. [43:41.0 – 43:47.6] In AA, we die to live.